Bertha’s Number One!

When I graduated from nursing school…back when we rode…dinosaurs…and all that…there was a two-day event…shortly after graduation…called…State Boards…there were five sections to the test…and you had to pass all five…in order to get your license…

Well…two days of testing was bad enough…but…then…you had to wait six weeks for the results…six…long…grueling…weeks…I might add…when…you had a gut feeling…but…no assurance…

I remember getting those results in the mail…on a Saturday afternoon…as we were leaving our apartment…I had passed…and…not only that…I had scored high enough…that I could get a license in any state without having to take an exam…even though…I wasn’t planning to go anywhere…that was a relief…

I remember that feeling…of understated elation that I felt…I remember once husband asking…why…I was so excited…he knew I was going to pass all along…

I remember explaining to him…that…he just didn’t understand…this was something that I would always have…that no one could take away from me…that it would go with me…wherever I went…it was a huge deal…he never really understood…but…that’s okay…he didn’t have to…

Yesterday…I had a similar experience…when…Bertha-Size Your Life!...the Kindle version…reached Amazon’s bestseller status…

It’s the same thing…she doesn’t have to stay there…in fact…this morning…she’d dropped…but…although…I’d love to see her stay there…and blow the top off the charts…for weeks to come…she doesn’t have to…she’s made it…and…no one can take that away from me…or…honestly…from…her…we all know it’s…all…Bertha…

But…there is something so surreal…in reaching a dream…a milestone…you believe in yourself…you work…you plan…and…then…one day…it happens…and…your life changes forever…and…yet…not at all…

Bertha…says…she doesn’t know what I’m so excited about…she always knew…this was gonna happen…all along…hmmm…I never thought I’d say it…but…she’s sounding a bit…shall we say…familiar…

Okay…I’m starting to ramble…mostly…I want to thank each of you…some of you were able to download the book yesterday…and…some of you were able to…hold my dream in your hearts…and…it took both…

Oh…and…just in case…any of you are wondering…Bertha…now has an unlimited fashion budget…there’s no telling what she’ll be wearing in the sequel…

Jane Carroll Author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Bertha Size your Life!

Editing…Smediting…

That’s what I’ve been doing today…I love writing…watching thoughts become words…stringing them along…until they make…a paragraph…a page…a story…fills me with delight…editing…not so much…

But…I’ve been doing it anyway…because…Bertha-Size Your Life! is being rereleased by Saga Books shortly…and…that means…new edits…honestly…there weren’t that many changes…a comma here…a word there…nothing like starting totally over…thankfully…

Mostly…Bertha…left me alone…sinking ship and all…but…she did come by…long enough…to point out…that the whole process was a lot like when I go to the dentist…for…a cleaning…I don’t want that gunk on there…but…I really don’t want them to scrape it off…either…

Then…she started going…on…and…on…about how that’s a lot like life…and…well…to be honest with you…I cut that part out of the blog……I was…editing…after all…

Jane

Alabama Two Step…

I rushed home from work…yesterday…yes…I know…I always rush…from work…but…this time…I was in a hurry to get home…because of the Master Koda Book Marketing Conference…try saying that three times really fast…that I was attending…online…

I must say…it was well worth the rush…I’ve taken lots of notes…and gotten so many wonderful ideas…and…therein…lies the problem…

That’s right…I’ve gotten…so…many…ideas…that I’m a bit overwhelmed…I mean…I’m…already…in the midst of rereleasing Bertha-Size Your Life!...with Saga Books…and diligently working on…the next…Big Book of Bertha…writing this blog…working fulltime…and my list goes on…

When…am I going to find time…to do all these wonderful things…that I’ve just learned…things that could put me in a bestseller’s position…and…if any author tells you…that being a bestseller…isn’t important to them…run…they may offer you some swampland…in the next breath…

That’s when…Bertha…reminds me…marketing…is a lot like life…I should have known she’d say that…it’s about taking a little step…then…taking another…all the steps don’t have to be taken in one day…but…when taking steps…it is always…good…to know where you are headed…

Hmmm…what can I say…she’s right…again…that’s about 4 million for Bertha…and…none for me…but…who’s keeping score…oh…she is…of course…

Jane

PS…would…you like to buy some swampland…hey…just asking…

Tea Bags and Weight Loss…

I have a tendency…maybe we all do…okay…not you…you’re perfect…but…maybe the rest of us do…geez…

Anyway…I have a tendency…to want things immediately…to not have to wait…for things to happen in their own good time…we talked about it recently…Time in a Fountain…the same fountain…that has now stopped working…but I digress…

Okay…okay…I’m getting to the point…geez…can’t a girl ramble anymore…you are so impatient…ah ha…gottcha…you do have that tendency…

So…yesterday…I was working on the next…Big Book of Bertha…and I came across a story…that I’d written a few years ago…with that theme…evidently…I’ve needed to work on it for a while…

Bertha’s…first example had to do with instant tea…and…how…even though it was…quick…and…easy…I didn’t like it…so…it was worth the time…and effort…to make tea…the semi-old fashioned way…yeah…tea bags…

Her second point was weight loss…reminding me…that like making tea…it was better to take the slow approach…because…if I suddenly lost…fifty pounds…my pants would fall off…no matter where I was…

Of course…I have contemplated that scenario…and…she’s right…my pants would fall off…but…for instant weight loss…I think I’d take my chances…how bad could it be…and I’d be skinny…right…hmmm…

Anyway…it’s a cute story…Bertha’s crocheting high-heeled baby booties…and…yes…I know that you want to read the book…I know…I’ve been working on it forever…but…these things take time…what do you want from me…instant tea…

Jane

PS…I’m excited…and you’re invited…

I will be presenting Bertha-Size Your Life! in an online conference this evening…I would love for you to join me…and cheer me on…and…you will also meet…other awesome authors…and find out more about them…and their books…there may even be some giveaways…maybe…just maybe…a Bertha…if you play your cards right…

All you have to do is click…Master Koda Conference…enter your first…and last name…and…click enter…here are the times…see you then…

March 28…starts at...7:30EDT…6:30pmCDT…5:30pmMDT…4:30PDT

Mist on the Water…

I came across this passage…in my journal…yes…the one that I write in…that you aren’t supposed to see…but…I…thought it was worthy of sharing…

Mist on the water…evaporates into nothingness…water…seems solid…but…always…evaporating into mist…into air…into nothing…so it is in life…troubles appear solid…but…they aren’t…they are evaporating…first to mist…then to air…then to nothing…the mist is just the evidence that the evaporation has begun…no mist…it’s beyond that point…doesn’t mean it hasn’t started…

Interestingly enough…I don’t remember writing it…don’t remember exactly what triggered it…what emotions I was feeling that day…what issues I was having…but…I’m glad I found it again…I’m glad I reconnected with that part of me…that’s what I love about writing…I connect with pieces of myself…that I wasn’t aware of…and…then…I can put them together…in a new way…

Jane

60 Minute View Point…



Dressed for Success!



Bertha was recently interviewed by the world famous reporter…Barbara Katie Sawyer…I know you’ve all heard of her…hmmm…

The interview went something like this…

BKS…Bertha…I hear you are working on a new book…can you tell us about it…

Bertha…Of course…Barbara Katie…it’s Putting Your Best Foot Forward: Bertha’s Guide to Life and Shoes…

BKS…that sounds interesting…how do you relate life and shoes…

Bertha…honey…everything in life relates to shoes…like…there’s a chapter…called…This Little Piggy Wears Prada…it’s all about not settling for second best…going after what you really want…

BKS…hmmm…I can see how that relates…what are some of the other chapters…

Bertha…well…there’s…When Toes Don’t Show: Keeping a Winter Pedi…it’s all about getting rid of that creepy life fungus…that grows in those…dark…negative thoughts…

BKS…another thought provoking chapter…I definitely will be reading your book…as soon as it comes out…

Bertha…smiling politely as she looks at BKS’s feet…I’ll personally sign a copy for you as soon as it’s off the press…and have it special delivered…I think you could use it…I mean…I think you would enjoy it…

BKS…thank you…now…shifting gears just a bit…I know you live with Jane…how have you impacted her life…

Bertha…honestly…she was a mess…before I came along…negative…negative…negative…whine…whine…whine…I’ve really brought her…out of the dumps…she’s almost pleasant now…but…that cat of hers…it never changes…

BKS…Bertha…I know that Jane’s book…Bertha-Size Your Life…is all about you…tell us…who really wrote it…you…or…her…

Bertha...well…I let her do the typing…(buffing her nails on her tube top)…I see no point in chipping my polish on the keyboard…but…I tell her everything she needs to know…the girl never had an original idea in her life…

BKS…hmmm…okay…Bertha…there’s one thing I’ve been wanting to ask you…what’s it like living in Jane’s head…doesn’t it get cramped in there…

Bertha…oh…no…not at all…there’s plenty of room…especially since I cleared out all that negative crap she had in there…in fact…there’s so much room…sometimes…I just rattle around…

BKS…well…um…um…thank you for your time…I think I have everything I need…good luck with the book…and be sure to send me a copy…

Bertha…of course…Barbara Katie…any time…

Jane

Ms. Clean…

Yesterday…I wrote about my house…it was a good thing…reminded me of how much I do love living here…reminded me of how meticulous I was about keeping everything…just so…when I moved in…reminded me of how that felt…

Feeling inspired…I decided to set things right…again…now…it wasn’t that the place was trashed…just a small stack of mail on the table…a throw here…a throw there…pillows out of whack on the sofa…a drawer open…

Okay…maybe it was trashed…take your white gloves off…nobody asked you to inspect…see if I ever invite you over again…geez…but…I digress…

It only took about ten minutes…to do…everything…that needed to be done…ten short minutes…that made all the difference in the way things felt when I got home…

The house seemed brighter…more peaceful…more energetic…more cheerful…all at the same time…

It felt good to be home…

Makes me wonder…why…I let things slide…why I settle for less than what I really want…when…it’s really so easy to have it…just ten minutes…here and there…and it’s done…

And…then…I remember…it’s not that I’m settling for less…it’s just that I’m writing now…and…I’m finding my way…how do I work it all in…how do I fit the puzzle pieces together…

I’m not sure I have the answer…Bertha…says I’ll figure it out…in my own time…in my own way…in the meantime…she’s handing me the Swiffer…she says…I might as well finish the job…while I contemplate…

Maybe…just maybe…that’s how I do it…

Jane

Writing Bertha…

As promised earlier…I am writing Bertha the Sequel…that’s one working title…the other…the one I really love…is…Naked Bertha 2 1/2—the Sequel…

I know I can’t use that title…for many reasons…first…Bertha wasn’t naked in the first book…nor is she in the second…nor will she ever be…and most importantly…the Naked Gun people probably wouldn’t like it very much…and most, most importantly…probably…nobody….besides me…would think it was funny…

You might have guessed that I loved the Naked Gun movies…the play of abstract and concrete humor…right up my alley…Leslie Nielson…one of my favorite actors of all times…

But…I digress…

For now…I’m sticking with Bertha the Sequel…until I come up with something that I like better…the title really doesn’t matter at this point…what matters is that I’m writing…

Writing…Bertha…

Funny…I probably had about 2/3 of the book already written…I just didn’t like it…so I stopped…and…now…I’m looking at it with fresh eyes…and I’m changing what wasn’t working…and adding new stuff that does…

My whole writing process has changed…before…I was just writing from my heart…something came up…I’d write a Bertha about it…sort of like my blogs…there was no rhyme or reason…and it was hard to put it together as a cohesive book…once it was all written…

Now…I’m working with an outline…and I’m plugging things into it…in a sequence…and thinking…how does this work with what came before…and what comes after…

There is one thing that is sort of weird to me…when I write…I see the scene…sort of like a movie…sort of like how you see things when you read a book…and since most of the stories take place in my home…I see my surroundings as I write…well…these stories have evolved over six or seven years…and I’ve lived in four houses during that time…so…the images I get are from all these houses…although it shouldn’t make any difference to the reader…it drives me a little nuts…so…as I’m tweaking stories…I’m moving them…in my mind…to this house…crazy…I know…

Bertha writing...

You didn’t have to agree with me so quickly…geez…

I’m also…thinking about…the roles that Bertha and I play in the book…who is the writer…is it just Bertha…or can we both be writers…in the first book…I worked…but it never says what I do…but…I did let Bertha start writing a book…which she still is…in this one…Putting Your Best Foot Forward: Bertha’s Guide to Life and Shoes…naming the chapters of her book is one of the most fun things I get to do…right up there with picking her outfits…

So…what do you think…how many writers…one…or…two…you’re welcome to add your two pennies…if you’d like…

The whole writing process is really pretty cool…Bertha seems to be pleased with the new style…which is a good thing…’cause as we all know…if Bertha ain’t happy…ain’t nobody happy…

And…I want to be happy…

Jane

Soup’s On…

After a busy day…I wanted potato soup…I peeled…I chopped…I cooked…I have to say…it was the best I’ve ever made…too bad…to quote MacArthur Park…I’ll never have that recipe again…good…bad…or…indifferent…I never do…

I have umpteen cookbooks…I just never use them…at least not more than once or twice…they’re more like…inspiration books…

My neighbor once called me an intuitive cook…AKA…I put whatever I had in the pot…and hoped it tasted good…mostly…it did…

It’s just the way I learned to cook…a pinch of this…a dab of that…don’t have this…no problem…substitute that…that’s how the women in my family cooked…things were rarely measured…too much milk in the cornbread…add more cornmeal…too dry…add more milk…of course…you could end up with a huge pan of cornbread…if you weren’t careful…but…somehow…we never did…

I have to say…it’s still my favorite way to cook…whatever suits me today…going into the pot…never measuring…just pinching and dabbing…

I rarely make finicky things…like cakes…that will only rise if you do the precise amounts of the right things…sifting…leveling…don’t peek too soon…way too frustrating for me…give me a casserole…or better yet…give me soup…

Bertha says my cooking’s a lot like my life…a pinch of this…a dab of that…don’t like to follow rules…don’t have that…make do with this…stir it all up…and it turns out pretty good…mostly…

Jane

Baking Bertha…

As promised…I’ve started working on…Bertha…The Sequel…what I may have failed to mention…is that it was mostly written about five years ago…I just didn’t like it…

It took me a long time to understand why…the ingredients were all there…Bertha…the cat…lime green spandex…high-heels…well-worn soapbox…Rita…me to learn lessons…they just weren’t in the right proportions…

Bertha is explaining it to me…as I type…actually…that writing…especially about her…is a lot like baking a cake…it’s not only what you put in…but…how much…that matters…

So…in looking back…the stories had the right amount of Bertha and the cat…but…too much of me…too much soapbox…too much lime green…who knew there could be too much…and honestly…not enough Rita…

While all of the proportions are important…it’s the Bertha to me ratio…that really threw things out of kilter…the equivalent of a cup of flour…to a cup of baking powder…you got it…’splosion…and a big mess in the oven…

So…I’m more writing than editing…which is fine…except…there are some descriptions I really love…so…I’ll have to figure out how to include them in the new recipe…

Here’s one of my favorites…                                   

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. It was worse than a commercial jingle that follows you around all day long. It was worse than the little hairs that get under your shirt at the beauty shop.

I’ll figure out how to use it…maybe…it’ll be a conflict between Bertha and Rita…hmmm…that just might work…see how helpful you are…and…no…you will not receive royalties for the idea…okay…I’ll mention you in the credits…geez…you can be more demanding than the cat…

Who by the way says…if Bertha is flour…and I am baking soda…then it must be sugar…

Bertha laughed…now they are fighting…again…sometimes it’s hard to live with an imaginary friend…and an imaginary cat…just saying…

Jane

I’d Drive a Mile for a Camel…

I remember the first time I saw it…looking regal in a pasture full of mere horses…the famous Camel of Decatur, Alabama…well he may not be all that famous…I couldn’t find him on Google…but…he is a bit of a local legend…but…I digress…

He was standing in a pasture along the side of Whitlow Road…a narrow, curvy, winding road…that demands a bit of attention just to navigate…seeing it…I almost didn’t…

I quickly called a friend…you won’t believe what I just saw…no…I haven’t been drinking…what’s wrong with you…it’s the middle of the day…I know what I saw…I am totally sober…

I turned around and went back…

There it stood…same one hump…same tall neck…same arrogant look…yep…it was a camel alright…right there on a road that I traveled almost every day…I don’t know how it got there…I don’t know why…I just know it was there…

For some reason…I’m always looking for a sign…should I do this…will I do that…so…soon it became a game…would I see the camel…yes…that’s the sign I was looking for…

After a while…the unthinkable happened…they moved the camel…I finally found out where it was…but…I didn’t usually go that way…it was a busy four-lane…and the pasture was further from the road…honking horns and one fingered waves…I took them as a sign…let me know that slowing down to look for the camel…probably wasn’t the best idea…

So…you can imagine my delight…when I drove down Whitlow Road yesterday…and there it was…same one hump…same tall neck…same arrogant look…my camel was back…a very good sign…for what has been on my mind lately…

Bertha…The Sequel…

That’s right…I’ve been gearing up…as we say in the South…to finish writing the second Bertha book…and with the camel there to cheer me on…the timing is perfect…ooh…I might even write the camel into the book…Bertha on camelback…wouldn’t that be fun…hmmm…

Jane

Bertha-Sizing Readers Rockin’ Radio…

Okay…I took my advice…I swapped out the printer…I went with the used one…that is the same model…and uses the same ink…as the one I had…decided to give it a try before I asked for a new one…

It works like a charm…I’ve been printing up a storm…

But…here’s the really interesting part…I didn’t realize how much stuff I was putting off…because I didn’t want to hassle with the printer…hmmm…

Bertha says it’s just like life…we all knew she was going to say that…is there anything she doesn’t relate to life…well…nothing that I’ve found so far…okay…we haven’t talked about dryer lint…but…I’m sure she’d find a way to relate it, too…I’ll ask her later and let you know how that works…

Anyway…she says that when I am settling for something less than I want and need…that I’m holding myself back…not reaching my full potential…not fully enjoying life…

What can I say…when she’s right…she’s right…

So today…I enjoyed the ease of doing my job…of printing my documents…and just being carefree…who knew simply switching printers could make such a difference…

Bertha knew…and of course…she loved reminding me…she says that’s what Bertha-Sizing is all about…

In fact…we talked about that during our interview on Reader's Rockin’ Radio last night with hosts Kim Mutch Emerson and Debra Shiveley Welch…they even rewarded another author who had just been caught in the act of Bertha-Sizing…

I hope you’ll have time to listen to the show…it was a ton of fun…as for me…I’m off to work…gotta use that new printer…and search the world…for more ways to Bertha-Size…

Jane

Meet Me on Monday…

I’m going to be doing something a little different on Mondays…I’m going to be sharing my blog on what’s called an author’s blog tour…the purpose of it…is to help more people get to know some of the lesser known authors…you know…people like me…and their books…you know…books like…Bertha-Size Your Life…

I’ve never participated in one of these before…so I’m not totally sure how it works…the first post may be today…and it may not…how’s that for concrete information…

My current plan is to continue to post on Mondays…and have the author interview as a second post for the day…we’ll see how that works…

Bertha is excited about the tour…I tried to explain that we’ll just be visiting a lot of people’s blog…we aren’t really going anywhere…but…she’s been out shopping for shoes…and getting her nails done…you know Bertha…any excuse for high heels and a mani-pedi…

Me…I’m in my house shoes…my nails are scraggly…but…I’m really kind of psyched about the whole thing…it’s a cool way for me to get to know other authors…something I’m always excited to do…I’m always curious about what makes them tick…how they came up with that idea…that kind of thing…and…I get to share that information with you…

Sometimes…I have to admit…in the past…I was a little intimidated by the popular authors…okay…sometimes I was a lot intimidated…geez…you make me admit every little thing…this living my truth thing can be a pain…

But…I finally understand…we all want the same thing…whether we write books or not…we want to be heard…we want to be understood…we want to be validated…

And…somehow…that’s more reassuring than intimidating…maybe living my truth isn’t such a pain after all…

Anyway…I hope you’ll enjoy meeting the authors…I know I’m going to…either later today…or soon…Bertha's in the car...blowing the horn...I hope it's soon...geez...

Jane

True Confessions of a Middle-Aged Blogger…

I recently read a blog…about how to blog…it was very helpful…first it said to write everything…then delete at least half of it…I’d already figured that out…quite often it’s about the third paragraph that becomes the first…I wonder if you’ll get to read this one…hmmm…we’ll see…

Another of his tips was to tell your readers things that they don’t know about you…and yet another…was to honestly tell about your shortcomings…

Today I have decided to combine those two…and as painful as it is…here goes…

When I was young…much younger…about 55 years younger to be exact…now since you may not be aware of my exact age today…that made me be two at the time…I was caught shoplifting…

The story goes that I was in a store with my Mother…and saw this navy blue plastic belt…with holes all the way around it…of course I wanted it…I must have had a Bertha flare…even then…Mama said…NO…I grabbed the belt…and ran out of the store…and into the street…where there was…probably no traffic…we are talking Moulton in the fifties…anyway…Mama pursued…captured…whipped me with the belt of my dreams…then returned it to the store…

The sales clerk…either desperately needing a sale…or being an indulger of strong-willed children…insisted that Mama buy me the belt…her argument was that I wanted it so badly…I’d risked my life for it…okay…she was dramatic as well…

Mama…on the other hand…said that was exactly why she wouldn’t buy it…and we left the store…

Call it selective memory…I don’t recall the incident at all…but…I do recall the belt…see…several months later…Mama did buy it…and I had it for many years…with all those holes…it fit for almost ever…in fact…if it hadn’t broken…I’d probably still be wearing it today…quit laughing…it would have made a good necklace…but…I digress…

I’m not sure why Mama didn’t just buy me the belt when I wanted it…my guess is…she didn’t have the money at the moment…

But…I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the events of that day…all dreams aren’t instant…no matter how much you want them…no matter how much you try to take things into your own hands and force them…sometimes…you fail…are humiliated…are forced to give up…and then sometimes…sometimes…you get a second chance…

Funny how writing brings out things I wasn’t intending…but…Bertha is here to point out…that this story very much parallels my writing…

I wanted Bertha-Size Your Life to be successful so badly…I risked everything…sold my house…took things into my own hands…tried to force it to happen…but…it didn’t…I was humiliated…I gave up…quit writing for several years…and now…somehow…someway…I’m being given a second chance…I’ve…or should I say…we…have just received a third place Extreme Author Makeover from MasterKoda…

Seems that this little navy blue belt…is just my size…

Jane

We’re On the Air…With Edie Galley…

Bertha and I just finished listening to our radio interview with Edie Galley on Courageous Voices Radio Show…we talked about the courage to follow your dream…even when that dream takes a left turn in Albuquerque…since that’s pretty much what mine has done…

I used to think that dreams were concrete…set in stone so to speak…but…what I’ve come to understand over the years…is that dreams are actually kind of slippery…they can change shape…and direction…but…they don’t go away…even when we can’t see them for a while…they are always there…

Funny…I just realized as I wrote this…that the situation I’ve been concerned about lately…is really an old dream…that has twisted and turned…and come back home…hmmm…I wonder where it will take me now…

Oh…and by the way…problems…situations…issues…are often just invitations to play with your dreams again…hey…they have to get our attention somehow…although…I think a nicely worded card…even an email…would have sufficed…just saying…

But…I digress…I was telling you about the interview with Edie…what can I say…it was like old home week…we’ve known each other for several years now…in fact…she was the first person to interview me when Bertha-Size Your Life was first released…we have since worked together on other internet radio shows…and become close friends…

I hope you can take the time to listen to the interview…it’s only about 30 minutes…and…it turned out really well…if I do say so myself…oh…and if you listen carefully…you may even hear Bertha…putting her two cents worth in from time to time…

Jane

I’ll Leave the Light on For You…

Today…Bertha has given me an assignment…she must be feeling a little teacherly…since we went to the school Christmas party Friday night…schmoozing with the teachers and all…but I digress…and…wait…who am I kidding…she got teacherly with me…long before I started working at a school…geez…

Anyway…today’s assignment is to write about letting go…trusting…and setting boundaries…and it sounds easy…but…I’m finding it a bit challenging…probably the three most difficult areas of my life…do I really want to talk about them…

Not really…it’s vulnerable…it’s peeling the artichoke…it will get hairy before I get to the heart of it…and when I’m there…do I really want to share…not so sure…couldn’t I just go to the store and buy an artichoke…

Bertha calls class to attention…1…2…3…eyes on me…in her most kindergarten teacherly voice…time to start…

Funny…since I’ve started this blog this morning…I’ve had a few phone calls…and each conversation has led to letting go in some way or another…so…I know this is what I need to talk about…here goes…

Letting go…there’s a finesse to letting go…I’m getting better at it…okay there was that pair of worn out sandals that I held on to for two years after they were no longer wearable…well…they might develop a cure for flip flop blow-out one day…and they were my favorite…and it’s not like I was trying to wear them or anything…I just looked at them from time to time…with fond memories…

If your room suddenly got brighter…it was my light bulb turning on…

Trusting…challenging at best…how do you trust someone who has seemingly led you down the primrose path…where you are gobbled up by a monster…at least one time too many…and…in case there’s any doubt…I’m talking about me…

But…you know…that’s exactly why I can trust myself…every time I took that path…got gobbled up by the monster…even though my gut was saying…RUN…I proved my instincts were good…they were right…I can trust them…if I hadn’t taken the path…I’d never have known if there was a gobbling monster or not…

Oh…the light is getting brighter…

Setting Boundaries…I wrote about this in Bertha-Size Your Life…cute little story about Bertha in a Mardi Gras gown…sweeping the kitchen floor…because the dirt was over her limit…

But…in reality…this has been the most challenging for me…it feels cold and lonely…like one of those chain link fences with the barbed wire on top…like search lights and border patrols…and blood hounds in the swamp…

Bertha laughs…says it’s much softer than all that…

She says that it’s just living my truth…that every time…I’m honest with myself…and others…about who I am…that I’ve set a boundary…she says that boundaries aren’t walls to keep me in or others out…boundaries…are just being who I am…

Well…what can I say…the room is fully lit now…and Bertha was right…this was what I needed to write…I just hope she gets out of teacherly mode now…I just saw her go by with a paddle…and it wasn’t for a canoe…if you know what I mean…

Jane

Of Mice and Kings...

I’m sitting at the desk and I’m writing…and it isn’t even going in a blog…well…it might…things like that do happen…but who knows…maybe…just maybe…I’m just writing because I want to…because it’s morning…because I have coffee…because…I can…

And…isn’t that freeing…there doesn’t have to be a purpose for everything…the house doesn’t have to be cleaned just for company…the china doesn’t have to be saved for holiday dinners…the good underwear can be worn everyday…well…not every day…but…as often as it is clean…mine’s in the dryer now…TMI…sorry…

Ahh…that saving it for someday…I’ve been doing it all my life…that and it’s cousin…waiting for someday…

I came by it honestly…I remember my Granny…we used to give her nightgowns for Christmas…and she’d put them away…never wear them…save them…in case she had to go to the hospital…she died at age 97 or 98…having only been in the hospital maybe three times in her whole life...with a drawer full of…really-old…brand-new…nightgowns…

That reminds me of a story in Bertha-Size Your Life called Mouse Ears…Bertha…on her way to Disney…is already sporting her mouse ears…when I ask her why…she says something to the effect of…to wait until she gets there to start to have fun…is the waste of a 12-hour trip…

That must be what she’s trying to tell me today…since I had no idea what I was going to write about when I sat down here…

She’s reminding me that life is too long…and boring…and unhappy…when I put off having fun until I get there…wherever or whatever there may be…

Okay…I get it…I’m headed to Memphis for the day…do ya’ll think the King will like my mouse ears…

Then again…I wouldn’t want to mess them up…maybe I should save them for my next trip to Orlando…

Bertha…stop hitting me on the head with the mouse ears…now you are gonna mess them up…geez…what is your problem…

Jane

Soapboxing...

Most of you already know that Bertha is the character in my book…and my inner voice of wisdom…she just thinks she’s real…I don’t have the heart to tell her differently…and I doubt she’d listen…if I did…she’s usually way too busy telling me what to do…

Not so long ago…I mentioned that I wasn’t even going to attempt something because I just wasn’t good at that kind of thing…

I’m not even certain now what it was about…could have been a lot of things from plumbing…think Red Devil drain cleaner melting the pipes and eating the kitchen floor…then botching the pipes…and then calling the plumber…to baking a cake…who knew that the reason the pound cake recipe didn’t call for self-rising flour was because the eggs made it rise…in my defense…I was only in college at the time…

Anyway…the words weren’t even out of my mouth good before Bertha had jumped on a soapbox and proclaimed…

Girlfriend…get over who you were…and be who you are…

She went on to rant and rave…I mean…explain…that we all have regrets…and feelings of limitations that stem from past events and beliefs…the trick is to let go of the past…move into the future…and claim our own personal power…

What can I say…Bertha sure packs a one-two punch…when she soapboxes…if you know what I mean…and…I know I must have been inspired to give whatever it was a try…that’s the only way to get her to shut up…

And…since I haven’t called a plumber…or cleaned cake drippings out of the oven elements…it must have worked…

Jane

Of Lies and Casseroles...

Oh what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive—Sir Walter Scott

Bertha and I are still discussing living our truth…and how that affects our life…so opportunities to learn more and go deeper keep showing up.

I recently read that any time we tell a lie…no matter how teeny, tiny…white…or innocent it seems…that we are manipulating the other person…

I argued with it…don’t remember where I read it…but I do remember arguing with it…it of course won…with Bertha’s help…the argument went something like this…

Me…I don’t tell big lies…(it’s true…I don’t)…and I only tell the itty-bitty ones because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…

Bertha…why don’t you want to hurt their feelings…

Me…well…they’re my friends…I don’t want to make them feel bad…they might get mad at me…they might not like me anymore…or…I’m embarrassed about something I did…they might think I’m foolish…they might not like me anymore…

Bertha…and…don’t you see that is actually manipulating them…only saying things you think they want to hear…so they will like you…

Me…OMG…you’re right…I’m not only a liar…I’m a manipulator…

Bertha…let’s don’t get carried away…let’s just say you were misguided…

Me…exhale…(I’ve been waiting to do that)…

Bertha went on to talk hypothetically about having lunch at a friend’s…and trying out her newest recipe…which is totally unpalatable…but when she asks how it is…saying it’s…tasty…delicious…yummo…thinking I’ve spared her feelings…she still likes me…she’ll have me over for lunch again…

And she does…but she always serves that same dish…because she thinks it is my favorite…then I would start making excuses not to go…and that might hurt her feelings…and she might not have me over for lunch again…

Bertha also points out…that it could also go another way…she could take my approval as the go ahead to make the dish for someone else…thinking mother-in-law…garden club…potluck…eventually…somebody’s gonna tell her the truth…she’ll be humiliated…and she’ll know I lied…and probably won’t like me so much…probably won’t have me over for lunch again…hmmm…

So…Bertha and I are still trashing out living our truth…and being our authentic self…there seem to be a lot of layers…like peeling an artichoke…spiny leaves on the outside…followed by a big hairy mess…until finally…if you keep peeling…you reach the sweet heart of the matter…

I’ll take mine with butter…lemon…and just a hint of garlic…would you like the recipe…maybe I’ll ask you for lunch…

Jane

Housework...a Fine Science...

Bertha and I have been talking about Physics lately…and how it relates to my life…particularly…cleaning house…she dug up my old college notes…who knew I was really gonna use any of that stuff…anyway…here’s what she pointed out…

First there was…Newton’s First Law of Motion…it goes like this…a couch potato will remain a couch potato…unless motivated by an outside force…(AKA…Bertha’s boot in the bootie…knocking her off the sofa)…but…once the potato is moving…she will continue moving…unless motivated by another outside force…(AKA…something really good on TV…phone call…snack…good book…bird flying by the window)…

That made a lot of sense to me…and…yes…that’s the exact definition…well…these were my notes…I may have summarized…

Next there was the Law of Random Disproportion…which I can’t find when I Google…probably should have listened better…maybe one of you Physics majors can help me out with that…oh…you don’t read my blog…hmmm…

Anyway…right name or not…it basically said that…it takes less energy for the potato to keep her house neat…than to straighten it when it’s really messy…

And lastly there was something called…Entropy…The Second Law of Thermodynamics…that basically says the potato’s house really wants to be messy…and no matter how many times the potato tidies it…it’s gonna be messy again in seconds…especially if the potato has several little spuds running around…

So basically…here’s the deal…the potato…is gonna lie on the couch…until something motivates her to clean…then once cleaning…she will keep cleaning…until something motivates her to stop…hopefully in the vicinity of the couch…cleaning would be a whole lot easier if the potato could be motivated to clean frequently…but it really doesn’t matter…‘cause the house really wants to be messy anyway…

Well…I think that says it all…now…am I feeling motivated...no...but I suddenly want French Fries…hmmm…

Jane