There’s a New Page in Town…

I know…I’m kind of strange…okay…a lot strange…but…I sort of get attached to things…and…when…it’s time to replace them…I feel…guilty…like…I’m hurting their feelings…

Case in point…I bought a Townie…a cruiser type of bicycle…and…rode it for a couple of years…going places…and riding distances…that were fairly noteworthy…but…finally…one day…it was time…to get a fancy Trek road bike…and…I love it…but…for the longest time…I felt guilty every time I took it out for a spin…and left the Townie in the garage…

See…I wasn’t kidding when…I said I was strange…

So…anyway…here’s the deal…most of you have seen my beautiful new website…I love it…Rebbekah White and Kim Mutch Emerson…did a great job with it…I think it really captures…my personality…and Bertha’s spirit…perfectly…

There’s just one thing…I feel guilty…when I visit the old blog…I feel like I’m being disloyal to it or something…and…I’ve been double posting…which is really kind of ridiculous…if you think about it…

I’ve said it was…because…I have some friends…who have subscribed to the old blog via email…and…the new site doesn’t have that option at this point…but…Bertha…says…it goes deeper than that…

She…says…it’s the blog…that got me started writing again…that connected me with some wonderful friends…that helped me find my voice again…and…that’s why it is hard to leave it…

And…I suppose she’s right…I am connected to that blog…but…I’ve made a choice…to continue growing into…the writer…the person…that I am…and…just like with the bicycle…it’s time for the next step…

So…this will be my last double post…for some of you…your last post via email…for now at least…I hope you’ll still come by and visit…I’ll miss you if you don’t…

Oh…and…all the old posts are archived here…so…you can still find your favs…right on the new site…

And…when I think about it…it really wasn’t such a difficult move…no boxes…no moving trucks…just lots of fond memories…to rearrange…

Jane

Forget Me…Yes…

Funny thing about the past…when I’m aware of it…it’s really not the past…it’s the present…or…it might as well be…because…it affects who I am in the moment…at least…that’s what…you-know-who says…yeah…Bertha…

She sent me subtle messages yesterday…emails…from random sources…is the past holding you back…letting go of the past…and another one…that I can’t remember…but…same gist…

So…I knew…that was the topic…for contemplation…for exploration…for blogation…yes…I know that isn’t a word…but…I wanted it to end in ‘tion’…so…I made it up…sue me…no…not really…can’t you take a joke…geez…

I’ve talked about it before…Swallowing Lye…but…I must need to talk about it again…hence…all the messages…

Memories…they assault me…coming from out of seemingly nowhere…triggered by a smell…a song…a sound…another thought…they take over…invading my space…my mind…

Not all memories are equal…memories…of first the first time I held my daughters in my arms…of caring for them as babies…watching them grow…first days of school…little milestones…

These make me happy…make me feel warm and tingly inside…they help me go forward…

I have so many other good memories…the ones that I should keep in a silver box…and pull out…when days seem blue…the ones that would cheer me up…make me smile…

And…then…there are…those…memories…the ones that hold me back…the ones that hurt…the ones that chip away at my self-confidence…like the Dental hygienist…cleaning my teeth…and…just as annoying…

How…do I eradicate them…how do I lay them to rest…

Those stubborn memories…I’ve tried soaking them out…I’ve tried scrubbing them out…and…I’m still stuck with…memory around the collar…

Actually…I’m making progress…when they come up…and…they do…I think…I send you…love…peace…happiness…and…I send it back to me…over and over again…until the discomfort eases…

At first…it was difficult…to bless someone…who had hurt me in some way…but…ultimately…I realize…that is what I wish for others…and it’s definitely what I wish for myself…that’s why I send the blessing in both directions…

The other thing I do…The Forgiveness Prayer…and it’s all to me…it’s to that part of me that is hurting…that is angry…sad…scared…lonely…whatever…and…it is simply…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…again…over and over…until the discomfort eases…

These two techniques…help me tremendously…do I always remember to do them…no…do I sometimes…ruminate my painful memories…yes…of course I do…but…with Bertha’s reminders…I’m getting better…

Interestingly…I don’t really forget these memories…unlike Algebra…and…some grammar skills…they seem to be stuck in my brain…it’s just that they aren’t painful anymore…they just become memories…

And…I can handle that…

Jane

And…The Winner Is…

Book group tonight…potluck…bring a dish that has a special memory for you…your family…hmmm…a few things come to mind…

McDonald’s hamburgers on Christmas china…memory…single mom with teenage daughters…their boyfriends coming for a holiday dinner…too tired to cook…

Eggplant parmesan…would be delicious…would love the leftovers…memory…used to have eggplant parmesan every Thanksgiving at the once husband’s family dinner…hated it then…just grew to love it in the last couple of years…

Pound cake…recipe given to me when I was 17…by then boyfriend’s mother…wonderful pound cake…sugary crust…still have my original copy of the recipe…well tattered and torn…memory…don’t use self-rising flour…when baking this cake…and leave for a date…especially on the day that your mother gets your failing embryology grade in the mail…big mess to clean up…not just in the oven…

Contenders…all…but…not quite right…             

Memory…two mothers…strangers…watching their children play at McDonalds…passing the time…have you ever made chocolate chip cookies with Reese’s cups…you really must…swing bumping child…tears dried…nose wiped…cars loaded…home…never to meet again…

Memory…two mothers…next door neighbors…watching their children play in the yard…sharing…chocolate chip cookies with Reese’s cups…warm from the oven…with a glass of wine…white I believe…sharing a moment…sharing a dream…sharing life…

Memories…bake sales…potlucks…slumber parties…chocolate chip cookies with Reese’s cups…

The winner…

Chocolate Chip Cookies with Reese’s Cups

Preheat oven to 350

3-miniature muffin tins sprayed with nonstick spray

1-roll chocolate chip cookie dough…cut into 36 chunks

36-miniature Reese’s cups peeled

Place cookie dough into muffin tins. Bake until they are light brown and ‘puffed’ up. Remove from oven and immediately press a Reese’s cup into each one. Let cool a bit in the pans. Remove carefully.

Create your own memories.

Biggest challenge…not eating the Reese’s cups as I peel them…second biggest challenge…saving cookies for tonight’s potluck…ate two already…but…they were damaged coming out of the pan…quit rolling your eyes…just you try not to eat them when they’re warm…geez…

Funny…sometimes the smallest things…make the biggest memories…

Jane

My Best Intentions…

Okay…so I’m supposed to be writing…but…it’s been a while…and my fingers don’t seem to work just right…or…write…or…maybe…just maybe…it is my brain that isn’t working…or…more honestly…I think it is my heart…

I do try to write from my heart…but…it is full…full of the sadness of the week…full of love and support…full of new memories with grandbabies and daughters…full of memories of the past…full of hope for the future…

The only thing is…when it’s really full…it’s like an overtired baby…it’s cranky…it can’t quite settle down…there’s no soothing…it’s not quite sure what it wants…what words want to come out first…second…never…

I want to work out my thoughts for the New Year…for 2012…what is my intention for the year…I long ago gave up the traditional resolution…the claiming of things to give up for the year…has proven to be a setup for failure…no…I find it much more productive to set an intention…an overall feeling…theme for the year…and…let it evolve as it will…

This year’s was…treating me gently…and…truly…I struggled with that one…learning to listen to my body…and…more importantly…to abide by what it was telling me…learning to trust the wisdom from within…has been challenging…and…I’m still a work in progress…still catching myself in an inner diatribe…still criticizing my limits…but…I have made progress…I have found practices that are sustaining me…I am writing again…I am healing with the forgiveness prayer…I am calming with Reiki…I have a network of loving, supportive people in my life…

Now…as 2012 approaches…my intention is…to live fully…I’m not certain of all the nuances of that…I know that it means to fully engage with the moment…whatever the activity of that moment may be…I hope it means…more activity…physically…socially…I hope it means…opening my heart and life to more…I hope it means feeling good…and having more energy…

I’m not sure exactly what it means…but…I think it will be interesting to see how this intention plays out…what shows up…what moves on…

Jane

Christmas Eve…

Jim Jenkins died on Christmas Eve…that’s about all I remember about him personally…that…and that he cut his hand on the tin roof when he was building our barn…I remember there was a lot of blood and he acted like it was nothing…

Granny's rocker at my current home

He was a strong man…a good man…who loved his family…and did the best he could by them…

I sat in Granny’s rocker on my porch this morning…and looked out at his home place…contemplating Jim…and the family that binds us…his father and my grandfather were half-brothers…

I imagined my great-grandmother sitting in the same rocker…on this same porch…looking out at the same home place…I wondered if he lived there as a boy…I have no idea…

I have no notion why I feel compelled to write about this…what is the lesson that I have to learn…what is the feeling that I want to express…

I remember being in Granny’s living room with all the aunts and uncles and cousins when the call came about the wreck…they were on the way to Rachel’s in Tennessee…

I never knew that people died on holidays…I never knew that Christmas could be a time of sadness…and forever hold painful memories…but then…I was only a child…there was so much that I didn’t know at the time…

I remember how quiet the room got after the call…I don’t remember the funeral…I don’t remember ever talking to Melba about losing her Daddy…I have no idea how her Mother managed to make ends meet after his death…

I feel remorse for not knowing those kinds of things at the time…but I was only a child…

Many Christmas Eves have come and gone since then…and somehow…I’ve grown to expect Christmas to be a time of sadness…at least part of the time…and…I reopen my painful memories like presents under the tree…passing them around for everyone to see…

After all…I’m no longer a child…

Jane

PS…now for…the rest of story…I wrote this piece a few years ago…when I was living in my great-aunt’s home place…my great-grandmother…she would have been Jim’s grandmother…did indeed live with my great-aunt and uncle in her later years…and my grandmother sent her the rocker to use while she was there…

I’m still not exactly sure why I wrote this piece…but it’s one that has stayed with me…through thick and thin and numerous computer crashes…so…I’m sharing it today…Christmas Eve…thankfully I don’t feel the need to reopen the painful memories this year or pass them around again…in fact…I think I’ll see what new things are under the tree…