Distracted Shopping…

Oatmeal…I eat oatmeal…almost every morning…I’ve started buying the mega container…seems like the sensible…and cost effective…thing to do…so on a recent trip to the store…I reached out…took a container…from same the shelf I always do…only…to discover…after a few bowls…something wasn’t right…yeah…it took a couple of bowls…I was distracted…okay…geez…any way…I investigated…to find…old-fashioned…not…quick cooking…displayed prominently on the box…no wonder…they seemed a little chewy…hmmm…

But…did that teach me my lesson…no…of course not…last shopping trip…I reached for prunes…now…that’s simple enough…no need to inspect the package…prunes are prunes…aren’t they…well…yes…except…when…they are…orange flavored…of course this was discovered…after…opening the bag…and realizing…I really don’t like orange flavored prunes…

Bertha…naturally…points out…that…these grocery faux pas…are a lot like the events of my life…sometimes…I get in a rush…don’t pay attention to what I’m doing…take action…and…don’t get the results…that I am anticipating…

What can I say…she’s right…I’m taking it to heart…hopefully…I’m learning the lesson…it’s almost time to shop again…

Jane

PS…friends don’t let friends…shop…distracted…

Bad to Worse…

Okay…here’s the deal…there was a fire at my school…earlier in the week…although…the damage was not nearly as bad as it could have been…and after only one day…we were able to return to the building…things just aren’t quite the same…

For one thing…most of the high school classes…are cordoned off…to contain…and clean…the smoke damage…so…we have classes in every possible location…and…some that we didn’t know…could be possible…

Events have also…had to be…canceled…rescheduled…and just rearranged…

So…after…being extremely grateful…that the damage wasn’t worse…that it happened at night…there were no injuries…and all those kinds of things…that of course…I am grateful for…

Day…one…I…along with many others…it wasn’t just me…honestly…you are so hard on me…sometimes…anyway…I…began to whine…ever so quietly…yeah…right…about…the smell of the smoke…I developed a headache after being there about 10 minutes…and it didn’t go away…all day…of course…we did all we could…to improve air quality…opening windows and doors…letting the air circulate as much as possible…but…if you’ve ever gone through a fire…you know that doesn’t help much…and…my office doesn’t have a window…

Day…two…same scenario…same smoky smell…same windows and doors open…same whining…and…then…it happened…like Mama always told me it could…it went…from…bad…to…worse…

Some local farmers…chose yesterday…a windy day…with nature’s breezes…circulating throughout our building…to fertilize their fields…using only the finest organic fertilizer…AKA…manure…

Now…we had a building…with all the windows and doors open…trying to air out…from the smoke…only to be bombarded…with the fragrance…of…of…of…well…you get the idea…I won’t spell it out…it was definitely…worse…

Anyway…Bertha…arrived about that time…to teach me a little lesson…surprise…

Her point was…sometimes…things get worse…so I can realize…they really weren’t that bad to start with…and…appreciate…what I have…

Hmmm…she’s got a point…after smelling the manure…our point of focus…our conversations changed…

From…

This smoke is terrible…this smoke is killing me…we shouldn’t even be here…yeah…a little dramatic…what can I say…

To…

Can you believe this smell…I’d much rather smell the smoke…the smoke really wasn’t that bad…like we had a choice…like we could choose…like choosing sides at recess…

So…today…while…not hoping for…the smell of smoke…I know…I can tolerate it…I know it isn’t…killing me…perhaps…since…I’ve known…worse…I’ll whine less…about…bad…but…then again…I wouldn’t want to get carried away…

Jane

Alabama Two Step…

I rushed home from work…yesterday…yes…I know…I always rush…from work…but…this time…I was in a hurry to get home…because of the Master Koda Book Marketing Conference…try saying that three times really fast…that I was attending…online…

I must say…it was well worth the rush…I’ve taken lots of notes…and gotten so many wonderful ideas…and…therein…lies the problem…

That’s right…I’ve gotten…so…many…ideas…that I’m a bit overwhelmed…I mean…I’m…already…in the midst of rereleasing Bertha-Size Your Life!...with Saga Books…and diligently working on…the next…Big Book of Bertha…writing this blog…working fulltime…and my list goes on…

When…am I going to find time…to do all these wonderful things…that I’ve just learned…things that could put me in a bestseller’s position…and…if any author tells you…that being a bestseller…isn’t important to them…run…they may offer you some swampland…in the next breath…

That’s when…Bertha…reminds me…marketing…is a lot like life…I should have known she’d say that…it’s about taking a little step…then…taking another…all the steps don’t have to be taken in one day…but…when taking steps…it is always…good…to know where you are headed…

Hmmm…what can I say…she’s right…again…that’s about 4 million for Bertha…and…none for me…but…who’s keeping score…oh…she is…of course…

Jane

PS…would…you like to buy some swampland…hey…just asking…

Tea Bags and Weight Loss…

I have a tendency…maybe we all do…okay…not you…you’re perfect…but…maybe the rest of us do…geez…

Anyway…I have a tendency…to want things immediately…to not have to wait…for things to happen in their own good time…we talked about it recently…Time in a Fountain…the same fountain…that has now stopped working…but I digress…

Okay…okay…I’m getting to the point…geez…can’t a girl ramble anymore…you are so impatient…ah ha…gottcha…you do have that tendency…

So…yesterday…I was working on the next…Big Book of Bertha…and I came across a story…that I’d written a few years ago…with that theme…evidently…I’ve needed to work on it for a while…

Bertha’s…first example had to do with instant tea…and…how…even though it was…quick…and…easy…I didn’t like it…so…it was worth the time…and effort…to make tea…the semi-old fashioned way…yeah…tea bags…

Her second point was weight loss…reminding me…that like making tea…it was better to take the slow approach…because…if I suddenly lost…fifty pounds…my pants would fall off…no matter where I was…

Of course…I have contemplated that scenario…and…she’s right…my pants would fall off…but…for instant weight loss…I think I’d take my chances…how bad could it be…and I’d be skinny…right…hmmm…

Anyway…it’s a cute story…Bertha’s crocheting high-heeled baby booties…and…yes…I know that you want to read the book…I know…I’ve been working on it forever…but…these things take time…what do you want from me…instant tea…

Jane

PS…I’m excited…and you’re invited…

I will be presenting Bertha-Size Your Life! in an online conference this evening…I would love for you to join me…and cheer me on…and…you will also meet…other awesome authors…and find out more about them…and their books…there may even be some giveaways…maybe…just maybe…a Bertha…if you play your cards right…

All you have to do is click…Master Koda Conference…enter your first…and last name…and…click enter…here are the times…see you then…

March 28…starts at...7:30EDT…6:30pmCDT…5:30pmMDT…4:30PDT

Gimme a Sign…

I love riding my bike in the country…way too much stop and go in town…even one as small as mine…there are still stop signs and traffic signals…even if there isn’t any traffic…

So…I hightail it to the country back roads…just as fast as my little feet can pedal me…there’s such a sense of freedom…little traffic…few houses…but…also…a very limited number of pit stops…

Now…for me…pit stops are vital…when Nature calls…I need to answer…and…at my age…it seems…Nature…has me on speed dial…if you know what I mean…geez…

On what I call my…go-to…rides…I usually have a country store where I know…I can stop…use the facilities…buy a little something…take a little break…and be on about my business…no problem…

Except…sometimes…I vary my route…there’s nothing worse than being 10 miles from home…with Nature calling…and nowhere to go…

Trust me…I know…because it happened to me…just like that…not sure if I’d gone further that day…or if it was just…one of those days…but…there I was…in the middle of almost nowhere…and I needed to go…bad…that’s when I noticed…a small country Church…and although…it was on a corner lot…between two country roads…it had a very big HVAC unit…big enough to hide a middle aged biker…with a full bladder…

I must admit…I felt rather guilty…blasphemous…even…what would God think…if I defiled…literally…His…Holy Ground…but…it was one of those situations…it was gonna be easier to ask for forgiveness…than permission…and…there was no way…I could pedal back home…it just wasn’t happening…

Reticently…I did what I had to do…leaned the bike…against the building…headed around the HVAC unit…and there…as big as you please was…a…shiny…white…porcelain…toilet…just sitting there…like it was waiting for me…I kid you not…it was there…

No…I didn’t use it…honestly…as much as I would have loved to…I was afraid to open the lid…for fear of what was in there…the old song lyrics…I don’t like spiders and snakes…came to mind…but…I did take it as a sign from above…that all was well…all was forgiven…at least…this once…

And…once…was all I needed…that day…

Jane

Mist on the Water…

I came across this passage…in my journal…yes…the one that I write in…that you aren’t supposed to see…but…I…thought it was worthy of sharing…

Mist on the water…evaporates into nothingness…water…seems solid…but…always…evaporating into mist…into air…into nothing…so it is in life…troubles appear solid…but…they aren’t…they are evaporating…first to mist…then to air…then to nothing…the mist is just the evidence that the evaporation has begun…no mist…it’s beyond that point…doesn’t mean it hasn’t started…

Interestingly enough…I don’t remember writing it…don’t remember exactly what triggered it…what emotions I was feeling that day…what issues I was having…but…I’m glad I found it again…I’m glad I reconnected with that part of me…that’s what I love about writing…I connect with pieces of myself…that I wasn’t aware of…and…then…I can put them together…in a new way…

Jane

Fool Me Twice…

Yesterday was the perfect morning for a bike ride…sunny…breezy…cool…so…I pumped up the tires…donned the padded shorts…and headed out…for what I told myself would be a six mile ride…I know…if you aren’t a bike rider…that sounds far…but…if you ride…then you know…that’s really not far enough to warrant tire pumping…it’s just the distance I’ve been able to go while…putting myself back out there…

So…that was my original intent…until…I crossed the highway…and got started towards my favorite riding spots…then…it became…well…I could ride here…then…it would be about seven miles…good to start increasing my mileage…think I’ll just go to the big tree…I can turn around there…that would make about eight miles…yeah…that would be a good ride…

Of course…once I was at the big tree…I wanted to ride the road that…began there…and…there is a Church a few miles up the road…that is a nice resting spot…

Anyway…I won’t give you the pedal-by-pedal details…but suffice it to say…sixteen miles later…the bike was back in the garage…and I was feeling…even more satisfied…than tired…and…I was plenty tired…

Later…I found myself…in the kitchen…having bought groceries…and…cooked a healthy dinner…looking at the mess…and…not really wanting to clean up…so…I said…well…I’ll just rinse the dishes off…I can leave the rest…along with the nonperishables…until morning…

Then…something happened…I picked up a can…then another…and another…then…a dish went in the dishwasher…and there was…warm…soapy…water in the sink…for the pots and pans…the kitchen was cleaned…whilst…I declared…I was only going to do this one thing…

Bertha…of course…had to remind me…that…this is an approach that works well for me…trickery…tomfoolery…when the task seems more than I can handle in the moment…tricking myself into starting…by…giving myself permission…to just do a tiny portion…knowing…full well…as I did with the bike ride…as I did in the kitchen…that once I’m started…I’ll want to do more…

Hmmm…now I’m wondering…what tricks will I play on myself today…

Jane

Forget Me…Yes…

Funny thing about the past…when I’m aware of it…it’s really not the past…it’s the present…or…it might as well be…because…it affects who I am in the moment…at least…that’s what…you-know-who says…yeah…Bertha…

She sent me subtle messages yesterday…emails…from random sources…is the past holding you back…letting go of the past…and another one…that I can’t remember…but…same gist…

So…I knew…that was the topic…for contemplation…for exploration…for blogation…yes…I know that isn’t a word…but…I wanted it to end in ‘tion’…so…I made it up…sue me…no…not really…can’t you take a joke…geez…

I’ve talked about it before…Swallowing Lye…but…I must need to talk about it again…hence…all the messages…

Memories…they assault me…coming from out of seemingly nowhere…triggered by a smell…a song…a sound…another thought…they take over…invading my space…my mind…

Not all memories are equal…memories…of first the first time I held my daughters in my arms…of caring for them as babies…watching them grow…first days of school…little milestones…

These make me happy…make me feel warm and tingly inside…they help me go forward…

I have so many other good memories…the ones that I should keep in a silver box…and pull out…when days seem blue…the ones that would cheer me up…make me smile…

And…then…there are…those…memories…the ones that hold me back…the ones that hurt…the ones that chip away at my self-confidence…like the Dental hygienist…cleaning my teeth…and…just as annoying…

How…do I eradicate them…how do I lay them to rest…

Those stubborn memories…I’ve tried soaking them out…I’ve tried scrubbing them out…and…I’m still stuck with…memory around the collar…

Actually…I’m making progress…when they come up…and…they do…I think…I send you…love…peace…happiness…and…I send it back to me…over and over again…until the discomfort eases…

At first…it was difficult…to bless someone…who had hurt me in some way…but…ultimately…I realize…that is what I wish for others…and it’s definitely what I wish for myself…that’s why I send the blessing in both directions…

The other thing I do…The Forgiveness Prayer…and it’s all to me…it’s to that part of me that is hurting…that is angry…sad…scared…lonely…whatever…and…it is simply…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…again…over and over…until the discomfort eases…

These two techniques…help me tremendously…do I always remember to do them…no…do I sometimes…ruminate my painful memories…yes…of course I do…but…with Bertha’s reminders…I’m getting better…

Interestingly…I don’t really forget these memories…unlike Algebra…and…some grammar skills…they seem to be stuck in my brain…it’s just that they aren’t painful anymore…they just become memories…

And…I can handle that…

Jane

Does a Fish Have a Climbing Gear…

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Albert Einstein

I love this quote…I’ve saved it for months…I just haven’t been sure…exactly what I wanted to write about it…and…I’m still not…

And…maybe that’s the point…maybe…it doesn’t require anything else…maybe…Einstein…in his wisdom…said it all…but…then again…I can’t imagine…that…Bertha…would let…even Einstein…have the last word…

Hmmm…let’s see…is she being quiet…

No…

She’s pointing out to me…that…I have been guilty of judging others…trying to make them climb trees…when they really just need to swim…

She brings to mind…kids…at school…makes me wonder…how can we do it better…how can we maintain order…without forcing at least some of them to climb upstream…I don’t have an answer…but…of course…Bertha…does…she always does…

She says that…there is no…we…there is only…me…and…that…I listen to them…give them the opportunity to talk…to be heard…to be understood…to be loved…and…while that doesn’t solve the problem…from the educator’s standpoint…it does from mine…and that’s the only one I can change…

Of course…there have been relationships…big and small…when I have expected others to be what I needed them to be…not who they really were…so…I ask…how do I do it differently…her answer is…I listen…I hear…I understand…I love…I let them be…

And…last…but…by no means…least…she points out the bumps…bruises…and…scars…from days when my own discontent…with who I was…sent me out of my pond…in an attempt to scale some distant tree…I ask…how do I do it differently…her answer is…I write…I hear…I understand…I love…I let me be…

That’s a lot…to think about…I think…it will take some time in the contemplation chair…to wrap my arms around it all…and…hopefully…while I’m there…I’ll be able…to hear…to understand…to love…myself…

Jane

Time in a Fountain...

Lessons learned…like good things…often…come in small packages…case in point…

It was truthfully past time…but…this afternoon…thinking all chance of subfreezing temperatures was over…I decided to take the time and uncover the little water fountain…

So…the project I’d been dreading…took less than 10 minutes to accomplish…I had already reconnected the water hoses…the part that I really dreaded the most…disconnecting that Styrofoam thing…that protects the faucet from the cold…putting the splitter thing on…that allows me to use two hoses at the same time…getting it tight…albeit…crooked…then connecting the two water hoses…getting them tight…but…I digress…

Today…all I had to do was…remove the plastic…that covered the fountain…squirt it all out nicely with the hose…fit it all back together…fill it with water…plug it in…simple…

Except…the water was only coming out as a trickle…not the fountain it was supposed to make…

My first…frustrated…response…was…to take it all back apart…clean everything again…but…something…Bertha…of course…whispered…wait…give it some time…let it work it out…in its own way…in its own time…

And…I did…I waited…maybe not so patiently…but…I waited…and surely enough…the trickle started to grow…until…it became a fountain…just as it knew all along that it would…

Bertha…reminds me…all too often…I tend to rush things…to take them all apart…try to fix them…when…all along…given some time…they’ll work out…in their own way…in their own time…

Jane

They’re Here…

Last Summer

Well…I could have prepared ahead of time…but…I didn’t…and…today…my beautiful granddaughters are here…so the choice is…love the babies…or…write an insightful blog…

Hmmm…I don’t need Bertha’s advice on this one…I remember the poem…and I paraphrase…and recreate…blogs can wait…but…babies don’t keep…

Chalk one up for me…

Jane

Like Riding a Bicycle…

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles…but most of them never happened…

Mark Twain

Interesting that I wrote about fear yesterday…for…after the post…I went for a bike ride…and…although…I’ve been for hundreds of bike rides…and ridden thousands of miles…over the last few years…there was an insecurity prior to this ride…

It went something like this…

I wasn’t able to ride like I wanted to last year…has it been too long…will I remember how to shift the gears…will I remember to clip out of the pedals before I stop…the remembrance of a broken arm while learning that lesson…crept through my mind…can I make the hills…can I ride my fancy road bike…or should I take the more predictable…less challenging…cruiser instead…and…what about airing those tires…quite the challenge…after months of slowly leaking…

Bertha…met me at the door…with cycling shorts and shoes in hand…listened to no excuses…reminded me to focus on what I want…rather than what I don’t want…had…me dressed…and pumping tires in no time…

Pumping the tires…a great triceps workout…I’ll leave it at that…

And…yes…she had me on the fancy road bike…you knew she would…didn’t you…yeah…me too…

I was delighted with the ride…my cycle computer died as soon as I clicked it into place…so I have no idea how far…or fast…I went…which is probably for the best…now…I can assume…or pretend…that my stats far outweighed…my performance…

Interestingly…my fingers knew exactly which levers to click…to shift into easier…and more difficult gears…my body…instinctively knew how long it could balance…in a near stopped position…then…my feet…automatically…unclicked at the proper moment…and…found the ground…there were no stumbles…no tumbles…

So…where did I go…well…truthfully…I made several loops…just around town…my experience has taught me…that…unlike the exercise bike…which allows me to abort my mission at any time…on the bike…wherever I pedal to…I have to be able to get home again…so…for uncertain days…I find it works to be close to home…and…honestly…in the Spring…there is so much to look at…I couldn’t have seen it all in one trip anyway…

The cool thing is…the first loop was the hardest…it was all uphill…and downhill…after that…

Today…new battery for the computer…I’m thinking a different route…maybe a little further from home…or…maybe not…it really doesn’t matter where I go…as long as I go…at least…that’s what Bertha says…and we know…she’s always right…

Jane

Cats and Dogs…

I just found this piece in some old files…and…although it happened a few years ago…for some reason…I wanted to share it today…could be that I didn't have anything else written...but...I'm not saying...

Cats and Dogs

I’ve always heard the expression…It’s Raining Cats and Dogs…I never dreamed I’d experience it firsthand…but…as Mama always says…never say never…which…I always thought was a bit off…wasn’t she saying never when she said it…hmmm…but…once again…I digress…

Here’s what happened…the cat…went out on Saturday…now this is not an unusual occurrence…she does it several times a day…and basically…she just sits there…glaring…and daring…the neighborhood peasant cats to come near her kingdom…hence…her unofficial title…Porch Princess…

Anyway…she had no more than taken the throne when the bottom fell out…which in the South means…it started to pour down rain…again…no biggie…the porch is covered…she was high and dry…

And in the house there was casual chatter…when out on the porch…there arose such a clatter…Bertha and I jumped to the door…to see what was the matter…

And…the matter was…a Labrador retriever…obviously no respecter of royalty…making a mad dash for her highness…who wasted no time…diving into the pouring rain…

Bertha and I barely had time to gasp and look at each other…before the racing duo made their second lap around the house…long story short…well…maybe not short…but…anyway…

Bertha…stood guard on the porch…I ran through the house…let the cat in the back door…and never saw the Lab again…

The cat was soaking wet…but fine…nothing injured other than…her snootiness…she hid under the bed for most of the day…and…now…she won’t go back outside…for love nor money…not that I offered her any…money…that is…

Anyway…Bertha has had a good laugh about it…pointing out to the cat…that even the kittens across the street are out playing…she has reminded her of the 2000 other times she has been outside without incident…but…the cat hasn’t budged…

I mean…really…have you ever tried to humiliate a cat…let’s just say…it didn’t work…and she has no interest in putting herself back out there…

Bertha says…that it reminds her of…me…big surprise…everything reminds her of me…that I tend to focus on the few things that have happened in my life…those things…I call failures…and that I let them keep me…from putting myself back out there…

Hmmm…she may just be on to something…I do recall…a few…very few…okay…a bunch…of times in my life…that I let failure…hold me back…

But…wait…

The cat’s at the door…asking to go out…there may be hope for me after all…

Jane

PS…this actually transpired…truth is stranger than fiction…but…the rest of the story is…we moved shortly after that…the cat…believed that it was just for her…she promptly resumed her Porch Princess status…at our new home…where she reigned…until she crossed the rainbow bridge…may she rest in peace…

Side by Side…

Yesterday…was just a perfect day…at least from Mother Nature’s standpoint…she got to show off some of her finest…

Okay…I admit…I did whine a bit…okay…a lot…when I first got up…because it was still so dark outside…but…honestly…that was the only time…

Here’s how it went…

With my last cup of coffee in hand…I stepped out for a bit of fresh air…facing…due south…and…the waning moon…the sky was exquisitely clear…and even in the darkness…from the moonlight…I could tell that the trees were leafing…not in full leaf…but…the outlined tips…were fuzzy against the sky…

You’ll be proud of me…I stood there…savoring…for several minutes…

Quickly it was time to leave for work…and to my surprise…my drive was blanketed…in a heavy fog…I had to wonder…where it came from…and how was it…that it wasn’t at my back door…mere minutes before…and yet…it engulfed me as I drove…then…becoming thinner…and wispier…giving way to a delightful sunrise…just as I arrived at work…

Sunshine…streamed through the windows…tweaking children’s cheeks…bringing thoughts of bicycles…and tag…and spring break…warm…sunny…spirits and skies…

Clouds started collecting on the way home…one here…one there…until…by dinner time…the sky was gray…sullen…streaks of lightning…claps of thunder…speaking of rain to come…

Mesmerized by the time just before a thunderstorm…I found myself sitting in Granny’s rocker…the air was so still…until…it turned…just before the rain…I love the magic…of…feeling the wind shift…the temperature drop…smelling the rain before it arrives…counting the seconds between…flash…and…clash…

The rain…came…as a deluge…blowing…washing…no longer safe in Granny’s rocker…I made my way inside…in time to see the hail through the window…tiny…white peas…scattered amongst my grass…fairy-sized Easter hunt…

It was then that I saw her…Bertha…unaffected by the elements…dancing…amongst her flamingos…rain streaming down her red hair…and…she…tossing ice pellets…twirling…celebrating…life is good…no matter the weather…

And…in my heart…I joined her…

Jane

All’s Not Fair…In Love and Chiari…

I want to write…but…I’m not sure that my thoughts are coherent…quit rolling your eyes…and…snickering…my thoughts are usually coherent…well…sometimes…okay…you’re right…they’re rarely coherent…good…then you probably won’t notice the difference…you are getting testier than…Bertha…geez…

I stayed home from work with a headache…I called it a migraine…people understand migraine…but…honestly…it’s a Chiari headache…and…I’ve had them for years…although…I didn’t know what caused them…I just knew…that bright lights…barometric pressure changes…and certain music…would trigger headaches…that sometimes lasted for days…

At this point…almost bedtime…my head doesn’t exactly hurt…but…it’s still cloudy…feels like I have a hangover…and…no…I haven’t been drinking anything…except water…and I didn’t take narcotics…don’t be so quick to assume the worst…geez…it’s just the fuzziness that lingers after the pain goes away…

Honestly…I don’t have the headaches…nearly…as often as I used to…but…each time I do…it feels like an assault…a disappointment…each time one is over…I somehow…assume it is the last…

Then…I remember…

He said the surgery wouldn’t stop the headaches…but…I wanted it to…he moved my brain…tucked it all back in…where it was supposed to go…I wanted all the symptoms to go away…it seemed only fair…

He said the surgery wouldn’t reverse the numbness…but…I wanted it to…he moved my brain…tucked it all back in…where it was supposed to go…I wanted all the symptoms to go away…it seemed only fair…

This list could go on…and…on…with what could be considered minor inconveniences…except…there’s little point to enumerate…most of us have a list of some sort…badges of honor…badges of dishonor…from years of living…scars…visible…invisible…that we deal with…

And…although…it sounds like I’m whining…I’m really not…I’m just coming to terms with it one more time…

He moved my brain…tucked it all back in…where it was supposed to go…I wanted all the symptoms to go away…it seemed only fair…

Jane

60 Minute View Point…



Dressed for Success!



Bertha was recently interviewed by the world famous reporter…Barbara Katie Sawyer…I know you’ve all heard of her…hmmm…

The interview went something like this…

BKS…Bertha…I hear you are working on a new book…can you tell us about it…

Bertha…Of course…Barbara Katie…it’s Putting Your Best Foot Forward: Bertha’s Guide to Life and Shoes…

BKS…that sounds interesting…how do you relate life and shoes…

Bertha…honey…everything in life relates to shoes…like…there’s a chapter…called…This Little Piggy Wears Prada…it’s all about not settling for second best…going after what you really want…

BKS…hmmm…I can see how that relates…what are some of the other chapters…

Bertha…well…there’s…When Toes Don’t Show: Keeping a Winter Pedi…it’s all about getting rid of that creepy life fungus…that grows in those…dark…negative thoughts…

BKS…another thought provoking chapter…I definitely will be reading your book…as soon as it comes out…

Bertha…smiling politely as she looks at BKS’s feet…I’ll personally sign a copy for you as soon as it’s off the press…and have it special delivered…I think you could use it…I mean…I think you would enjoy it…

BKS…thank you…now…shifting gears just a bit…I know you live with Jane…how have you impacted her life…

Bertha…honestly…she was a mess…before I came along…negative…negative…negative…whine…whine…whine…I’ve really brought her…out of the dumps…she’s almost pleasant now…but…that cat of hers…it never changes…

BKS…Bertha…I know that Jane’s book…Bertha-Size Your Life…is all about you…tell us…who really wrote it…you…or…her…

Bertha...well…I let her do the typing…(buffing her nails on her tube top)…I see no point in chipping my polish on the keyboard…but…I tell her everything she needs to know…the girl never had an original idea in her life…

BKS…hmmm…okay…Bertha…there’s one thing I’ve been wanting to ask you…what’s it like living in Jane’s head…doesn’t it get cramped in there…

Bertha…oh…no…not at all…there’s plenty of room…especially since I cleared out all that negative crap she had in there…in fact…there’s so much room…sometimes…I just rattle around…

BKS…well…um…um…thank you for your time…I think I have everything I need…good luck with the book…and be sure to send me a copy…

Bertha…of course…Barbara Katie…any time…

Jane

The Brave…and…The True…

Yesterday was a good day…yesterday I was brave…not always the case…yesterday…I asked for help…hmmm…not something I’m good at…

Funny thing is…most people…me included…enjoy helping others…of course…like others…I don’t want to be taken advantage of…but…it does my heart good…to be able to give to another…

So…why…is it so difficult to ask for something when I need it…

Hmmm…I’m not sure why I said…hmmm…I know the answer…actually…answers…first…it’s hard to ask for help…because…I’m afraid the other person will say…NO…and…second…I’m afraid someone will see me as weak…

So…I rarely ask…

Interestingly…Bertha…yeah…we knew it would be…Bertha…says that asking for what I need…is actually part of living my truth…she went on to say…that some people will say…no…for a variety of reasons…and…that some people will see me as being weak…for a variety of reasons…but…that for the most part…I’ll get the help I need…

I think she’s right…okay…I know she’s right…it’s just hard to go against years of stoic beliefs…

Now…Bertha…is saying that I should explain what I asked for…before…you think…I asked to borrow a million dollars…or…asked someone to cut my grass for the year…

Yesterday…I realized that I was a few ‘likes’ shy…of getting stats on my Facebook author’s page…so…I bucked it up…posted a request in the MasterKoda writing group I’m in…put in on my home page…and sent requests to many on my friend list…

Anyway…she was right…some people said…no…or just didn’t respond…some people may have thought I was weak…I’ll probably never know that…

But…what can I say…today…I have stats…they call it…Insights…Bertha…says I’m a long way from…insights…geez…

I’m learning…asking for help…isn’t necessarily a bad thing…it is part of living my truth…part of honoring who I am…

In fact…if you have some extra cash…or…a lawn mower…could you come on over…wow…I might get to like this…asking…

Bertha…quit hitting me with the skillet…I was kidding…geez…

Jane

The Handwriting’s on the Screen…

It’s pretty amazing…when I think about it…thoughts in my brain…cause my fingers to move…and words…appear on the screen…and…most times…they are the same words that I was thinking…sometimes…not so much…sometimes they are unrecognizable…even for spell check…who gets pretty haughty…and says…no spelling suggestions…but…I digress…

I had never spent a great deal of time dwelling on the mechanical intricacies of writing…until…the other day…I was watching as a co-worker typed…her fingers moved in tiny strokes…up and down…at the same time…words were floating onto the screen in front of her…like leaves on a stream…a seamless process…it was pretty cool…

Times have changed…when I learned to type…you pressed a key…and could watch as it came forward…pressing the letter through an ink ribbon onto the page…and yes…that was after I had walked to school…bare foot…in the snow…uphill…both ways…unless…I could catch a dinosaur for a ride…geez…everybody’s a comedian today…

But…I do think of those days…and how the process of writing was so different…I can’t even imagine…all the time I would spend retyping complete pages of manuscript…for little typos here and there…because…even though there was correction tape…I couldn’t get it lined back up and corrected…

And besides…I’m a muller…a jeller…I’ll write something…walk away for a while…then come back to it…delete…insert…and I don’t have to print it until I have it just the way I want it…and…honestly…not even then…I just save it in a little file…which thankfully…doesn’t require me to physically poke a document in a manila folder…and figure out my alphabet…

Would I have been a writer…if things hadn’t changed…I honestly don’t know…there’s no way to tell…all I know…is…I am now…and that’s what really matters…

Jane

Friday Moves…

It’s Friday…and…I’m facing a three day weekend…so…I’m excited…hopeful that we will have some of that spring-like weather we’ve been enjoying…from the confines of work…

So…I’ve been doing the…TGIF Happy Dance…all around the house this morning…until…Bertha…reminded me…as with all of life…this…too…is relative…

Sometimes…okay…always…I hate when she does that…choosing the most inopportune time…to teach me a lesson…I was enjoying my dancing…oh…you think my dancing is the reason she chose the moment…geez…now you’re a Dancing with the Stars judge…geez…

Anyway…she reminded me…of the years that I worked…three 12 hour shifts…Friday…Saturday…Sunday…

Hmmm…there were never any…TGIF Happy Dances…back then…it was more like…TGIM…if you know what I mean…

And…then…she continued…there were all those years…that I worked…every other weekend…so my days off were scattered…then it was…TGIOT…Thank God I’m Off Tomorrow…whenever that might have been…

And…of course…she’s right…it is relative…everything in life is…and while…I appreciate that…I understand that…I’ll contemplate that later…at this moment…I Will Survive…is playing on the radio…and I’m looking forward to a three day weekend…thanks to an unused weather day…think I’ll bust some TGIF moves…

Hope you enjoy your day off…whenever that may be…

Jane

You See the Moon…

It’s full moon…I love full moon…love how full of promise it is…

Can you see the trees?

I went outside last night…because the moon was so beautiful shining amongst the trees…and clouds…it was soft…it was glowing…there was one star…shining just above…and to the side…I was mesmerized…I came inside…grabbed my camera…and photographed the magic…

Except…the resultant pictures…weren’t magic…gone were the tree branches…gone was the star…gone were the glowing clouds…all that was left was…a big bright orb…against a very dark background…

I was disappointed…I had wanted to share the magic with you today…Bertha says…that I have shared it with you…a different kind of picture…one that lets you see it through your trees…your clouds…with your star…above your yard…

And…I suppose she’s right…okay…of course she’s right…I only truly see things…when I see them through the lens of my own life…and…I know the same is true for you…

I hope you felt the promise…the hope…the magic…that I saw last night…as the moon was full…shining amongst the trees…and a wisp of clouds…with one star…just above…and to the side…

Jane

Ms. Clean…

Yesterday…I wrote about my house…it was a good thing…reminded me of how much I do love living here…reminded me of how meticulous I was about keeping everything…just so…when I moved in…reminded me of how that felt…

Feeling inspired…I decided to set things right…again…now…it wasn’t that the place was trashed…just a small stack of mail on the table…a throw here…a throw there…pillows out of whack on the sofa…a drawer open…

Okay…maybe it was trashed…take your white gloves off…nobody asked you to inspect…see if I ever invite you over again…geez…but…I digress…

It only took about ten minutes…to do…everything…that needed to be done…ten short minutes…that made all the difference in the way things felt when I got home…

The house seemed brighter…more peaceful…more energetic…more cheerful…all at the same time…

It felt good to be home…

Makes me wonder…why…I let things slide…why I settle for less than what I really want…when…it’s really so easy to have it…just ten minutes…here and there…and it’s done…

And…then…I remember…it’s not that I’m settling for less…it’s just that I’m writing now…and…I’m finding my way…how do I work it all in…how do I fit the puzzle pieces together…

I’m not sure I have the answer…Bertha…says I’ll figure it out…in my own time…in my own way…in the meantime…she’s handing me the Swiffer…she says…I might as well finish the job…while I contemplate…

Maybe…just maybe…that’s how I do it…

Jane

With Two Cats in the Yard…

I did a little snooping yesterday…I checked out my neighbor’s house…now…don’t go calling the police…I didn’t jimmy the locks…or even peep in the windows…I just found it online…yep…it’s for sale…so…I found the listing and took the virtual tour…

What I found was…it is a lovely house…filled with bold colors…striking…beautiful…but…I wouldn’t want to live there…

I want to live in my house…

I love my house…I loved it from the moment I first walked in…with one exception…the walls were camel…the entire interior with the exception of the guest bath…was painted the same color…and…while…it was a nice color…very tasteful…very sophisticated…

It just wasn’t me…

For me…color is important…I can handle plain white walls…but…beige…AKA…camel…depresses me…I knew I could live here about six months…if that…before I’d be depressed…if I left things the way they were…

I’m a pastel kind of girl…

I immediately…began planning the colors I would paint…the living room…dining room…would be a pale turquoise…bordering on blue…the color that reminds me of water…the master bed and bath…a pale coral…almost pink…the color that reminds me of sunrise…the rest of the rooms…would remain camel…honestly…that only left the kitchen…guest room…and hall…I could live with that much…

I was delighted with my choices…and amused…when a neighbor came over as I was holding up paint swatches…and proceeded to inform me…that I wouldn’t like the color…which I thought was pretty funny…considering it was the same exact color I’d been living with for two years prior and loved…I must have given her a funny look…I don’t think she’s been back…

She wasn’t the only one…when I’d show the house to someone…and tell them I was going to paint…even if they didn’t object to the colors I’d chosen…they’d ask why…it was such a lovely color already…so neutral…so chic…so…them…

I’m not sure they understood…they also didn’t sign the mortgage…

So…here I am…not neutral…not sophisticated…not chic…but…I love my house…I love the colors that I chose…they suit me…they make me happy…

And…believe it or not…Bertha…says…it’s part of living my truth…honoring who I am…honoring what I need…who would have thought…paint color…could do all that…

Jane

Until I Know…

Spring is arriving…I’m not sure that it is time for it…by all accounts…it’s early…but…the leaves are popping out…even from yesterday till today…lots of new buds…

I’m ready for spring…ready for warmer weather…ready for flowers…ready for longer days…ready for bike rides…ready for fresh herbs…and veggies…I should celebrate…

And yet…I hold back…a bit of apprehension…stifling my joy…is it too soon…will a freeze kill my buds…will it get the strawberry crop…the peaches…the blueberries…all my favorites…and…the answer is…I don’t know…I won’t know…until…I know…

Bertha…says…that’s the way of life…I can celebrate…or…I can hold back…but…I’ll never know…until I know…

Today…I celebrate…

Jane

Morning Has Broken…

I love being outside in the morning…as the sun comes up…as birds are busily being the early ones…I sit in my granny’s rocker…drink coffee…and bask…listening to the sounds…letting my eyes adjust to the dusky dawn…getting ever brighter…then…feeling the first rays of sunshine…on my face…

I walked out this morning…it is still cool…too cool to settle into her chair…even with a throw…but…I hear the songs of the birds…and I know…that soon…very…soon…my contemplation time…will be amongst the birds…and squirrels…and…I can wait…a few more days…

Some people wonder…why I get up so early…even in the summer…and this is why…I suppose like the birds…I want to be the early one…

Jane

Dreams…

Dreams are sneaky…no…not aspirations…dreams that come at night…bringing back situations and people…that my waking mind…my logical mind…banishes when they come up…in the daytime…

Dreams are sneaky…they creep into my sleep…when I am defenseless to stop them…and…then…they torture me…ahhh…too strong of a word…they aggravate me…until…fighting back…I wake up…

Dreams are sneaky…as soon as my eyes close again…they return…pick up right where they left off…bringing back all the drama…all the frustration…until…finally…I give up on slumber…and get up…

Dreams are sneaky…even after I’m awake…they roll around in my brain…why am I dreaming that…what does it mean…what should I do…I don’t want to dream that any more…I’m beyond that…but…I know…they’ll be back…on some unsuspecting night…because…

Dreams are sneaky…

Jane

Into the Meadow…

My writing life is expanding…and…I like that…I think…I have become so comfortable in the little spot that I’ve carved out for myself…that…I’m not sure who I’ll be in a more open space…

I’m reading Bambi…not the Walt Disney version…but the original book…I feel like Bambi…on his first trip from the secluded spot in the forest…to the open expanse of the meadow…

The meadow…filled with delight…discovery…adventure…but…also…caution…possibly danger…

My writing is taking me into the meadow…I’ve written before…I’ve published before…but…this time is different…it’s more expansive…somehow…

Maybe…this meadow isn’t really bigger…but…it feels like it is…like Bambi…I’m growing…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m writing…

And…while…in this moment…this feels like it’s about writing…I know that it is also…about a bigger picture…I know…because…Bertha is hitting me over the head with the skillet again…

Reminding me that whether it is writing…relationships…jobs…or…so many areas of life…I am constantly…retreating into the woods…then venturing back into the meadow…a meadow…that feels bigger with each trip…but…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m being…

Jane