Days’d and Confused…

As much as I hate to admit it…working adds a structure to my life…that gets lost during off time…I wake up without that sense of the day in my sleep addled brain…is it Thursday…is it Friday…there is a sense of blurriness…

I tend to get lulled into complacency in the non-structure…knowing that I am more or less in charge of my time…I lose my sense of urgency for certain tasks…like my writing…my contemplation time…without the pressure of the gotta-get-to-work clock ticking…they tend to get delayed…and too often…displaced altogether…hidden somewhere under the laundry…errands…or even a good book…

It’s interesting…that when I have time to do more of the things that sustain me…that keep me sane…I tend to do less of them…there’s always that sense…I can do them in a bit…and the bit doesn’t come…

Lonely Contemplation Chair

And…it isn’t as though the things I do instead aren’t important…even necessary…in their own right…they are…the floors must be cleaned…food must be cooked…it’s a bit of the Martha and Mary conundrum…what has true value…

My heart knows the answer…it always does…I hear it speaking throughout the stillness of my unstructured days…and that is the answer…there’s too much inner noise when I work…I have to take the time to listen before I go…

That feels softer…smoothing the harsh edges I felt earlier…

My days don’t require as much time in the contemplation chair…I’m contemplating as I sweep…as I cook…as I fold…there’s a stillness in the tasks…they open the bridge between knowing and feeling…things fall into place…I continue to become who I already am…

So…in the span of this page…I am no longer pining for the loss of the structure…for my working day rituals…I welcome the blurriness of my time…I welcome not having a clear sense of the day when I awake…I welcome letting it unfold as it may…as I listen to the music of my heart…

Jane

Iron Ore, Frankincense, and Myrrh…

I think I’m going through the change…no…not hot flashes and super sensitive crying spells…although…I am of an age…but…we won’t talk about that here…just turn off the heat and open a window…before you hurt my feelings…okay…the truth…I’m past that age…are you happy now…geez…you are so picky…

But…I’m still going through…if not…the change…at least…a change…the change I’m experiencing isn’t hormonal…it’s actually alchemical…magical…

Now…don’t get too excited…I haven’t found the long sought after philosopher’s stone…I’m not changing iron ore into gold…at least not in the strictest sense of the word…although…hmmm…I could use a couple of large gold nuggets with holiday shopping and all…but I digress…

Okay…let me explain…before even I get confused…I’m talking about the transformation of my heart…now…it’s not completely there yet…but…there is a golden vein that has developed…I’m not sure just exactly when it got there…

It happened gradually…over the last few months…one tiny speck of gold dust at a time…every time I lived my truth…I added a speck…every time I’ve been open with my feelings…every time I’ve trusted my heart…every time I’ve peeled the artichoke…another speck…every Forgiveness Prayer I’ve said…every blog I’ve written…were showers of gold dust…until…suddenly…just yesterday…I found it…the mother lode…pay dirt…stake-a-claim worthy…golden vein…

It didn’t happen with fireworks or fanfare…it was quieter…just a warm feeling…a knowing…that…I am the person I’ve been writing about…that I am the person I want to be…

So…maybe…I have found the proverbial philosopher’s stone…maybe…I am truly turning iron ore into gold…and even though it’s not the kind of gold that will pay for all those Christmas gifts I would like to buy…I think it’s better…

In fact…I know it’s better…because…transforming my heart…one sparkle of gold dust at a time is magical…it is what is going to allow me to truly experience the beauty of the Christmas season…and to appreciate the beauty of who I am…

So the gift that I offer to the world this year is not store bought…it’s home grown…it’s magic…it’s me…

And…BTW…no exchanges…no refunds…no regifting…just saying…

Jane

Listen to Your Heart...

Did you ever do something that you thought no one would understand…in fact…you felt like everyone would think you were crazy…and that you had done the exact opposite of what you should have done?

Well…I have…and no…I’m not gonna tell you what it was…you didn’t tell me…and yes…there have been many things…but this is about one in particular…geez…you interrupt more than Bertha…

Any way…it was one of those things that I just kept to myself…because I honestly didn’t think anyone would understand…I even thought they might be disappointed in me…or think me foolish…

So…it was with caution that I shared my action with a close friend…(yes…you…there in Mexico…drinking coffee)…and instead of being critical…even that criticism that we thinly disguise as concern…she said the most amazing thing…Jane…I trust your heart…I trust that you know what’s best for you…

You could have knocked me over with a flamingo feather…no one had ever told me that they trusted me to know what was best for me…well…Bertha says she’s been trying to tell me that for years…I was just too busy listening to other people to hear her…hmmm…

The few other people I told…were much more clipped in their responses…they did refrain from eye rolling and tongue wagging…at least in my presence…but I knew they were thinking…she made a mistake…I don’t know why she did that…I would never have done that…

And they probably wouldn’t have…but they weren’t me…and they didn’t have all my thoughts and feelings…hopes and dreams…and previous life experiences…that all played into my decision…

My friend’s response gave me much to think about…first…she was right…I had made the right decision…I did know what was best for me…I’m glad that I took the action…no regrets…

But it also reminded me of the times that I too have used my own narrow lens when viewing another’s actions/decisions…that I have thought…I would never have done that…instead of saying…Friend…I trust your heart…you know what’s best for you…and I am remorseful for that…

So in conclusion…I’d like to say…whatever you are dealing with…whatever timid actions you are taking…not knowing if you’ll have the support of your loved ones…listen carefully to your heart…and follow it…I trust your heart to know what’s best for you…and so should you…

Jane