I Am…All That…

I’m tired…I probably say that phrase…at least…ten times a day…maybe more…and…I usually…sigh…as I say it…I suppose…just to prove the truth of my words…

I hadn’t paid much attention to it…until a friend…remarked…you’re always tired…hmmm…busted…

Now…you know that conversation…led to a tête-à-tête with…Bertha…who pointed out…something that I have known for a while…but…tend to forget…

And…that’s the power…of the words…I Am…

I Am…is creative…and…brings the words that follow…into being…so…when…I say…I’m tired…I’ve created more tired…at least ten times a day…

So…I think about my self-talk…and…all the negative…I Am…statements that I make in a day…it ain’t a pretty list…the words…broke…fat…lazy…ugly…tired…exhausted…quickly come to mind…and…I consider myself to be a pretty positive person…

I think I’ll spend some time…in…the contemplation chair…about this…do the Forgiveness Prayer…think about how to rephrase…my self-talk…but…for now…it’s been a full day…I think I’ll rest…

So…if…next time we’re chatting… those illustrious words…I am tired…or any other negative…I Am…statement…escapes my lips…feel free to slap me…to get my attention…okay…not really...get out of that line…that was a joke…geez…

Jane

I’ll Take That to Go…Please…

Wow…Spring Break is over…it’s back to work…and…I must admit…I’m not ready…even though…we’ll be out for summer in only five weeks…I want more time off…now…

I know…I’m acting like a baby…I should be grateful to have the summer off…should be willing to work these last weeks…without complaining…just to get there…and…of course…I am…I do enjoy my job…

It’s just…I had so much planned for this week…and…most of it…never happened…now…I will add…that after my trip to my daughter’s house…I really only had one extra day off…and…honestly…that day…I was a bit jet lagged…it was an hour and a half flight after all…but in my defense…I did change time zones…geez…

So…why…did I ever believe…that I could get all the spring yard work done…write a novel…okay…work on the Bertha book that’s in progress…spring clean the house…go for long bike rides…shop…and…take it easy…in what amounted to a long weekend…

Beats me…

Bertha…laughs at me…no surprise there…and…says…it’s kind of how I act at a Chinese buffet…when…my eyes…are bigger…than…my plate…and…I keep piling on the food…until…it’s way too much to eat…

Hmmm…interesting…I have been known to do that…but…I’m not sure how that is supposed to make me feel any better…until…she explains…that when I get too much food at a restaurant…I usually ask for a takeout box…bringing the leftovers home…for another time…and…really…it’s the same concept…

I contemplate that for a bit…and…I really like the shift in energy…from…I didn’t get these things done…to…I’m going to save them for another day…

So…here I am…stuffing…Bertha…into a doggy bag…well…she was on my to-do list…that didn’t get done…

I wonder if I should give her the fortune cookie…

Jane

Bloggless in Alabama…

My post yesterday…on…Fear of Missing Out…brought up a fun blast from the past…with some of my friends…party lines…now…for those of you…who are too young…or…who were blessed with private lines in your area…let me explain…party lines…were sort of like our current extension phones…they were just in your neighbor’s house…usually about eight of them…

So…while…many of us…only had one phone our house…no danger of mom or dad…listening in…our neighbors…could…and…did…eavesdrop at will…often recounting every little juicy detail of our adolescent tête-à-têtes…at where else…the beauty shop…of course…

Now…I will say…I was fortunate…by the time I was into adolescent soul bearing…we had moved to an area with private lines…not so…for some of my friends who were in more rural areas of the county…

But…even without the party line…somehow…my mother always seemed to find out…exactly what I’d been up to…at her weekly beauty shop appointments…

I’m convinced…that she would go in and say…give me a quick shampoo and a set…and tell me…what Jane has been up to…her stiffly teased updo…a mere disguise…for keeping tabs on me…

All of this being said…because…I’m taking a bit of a vacation…it’s Spring Break…so…I’m taking the week off from writing…and…even though…I have lots of fun things planned…I’m a bit…afraid of missing out…I’ve not gone that long without blogging in a while…what will happen to my blog…if I’m not here…

Well…duh…nothing…that was Bertha’s answer…and…I know it’s true…and that’s what scares me…I’ll miss the feedback…I’ll miss the connection…I’ll miss the place in my life that my blog fills…

So…it’s a conscious decision…release the connection…release the feedback…allow other things to fill my life…breathe it in…relax…enjoy the other things life has to offer…but…it’s still unsettling…it’s still difficult…to give up…even for a few days…something that is part of my identity…even if…the break…will only make it better…

I’ll spend some time contemplating that…feeling…that fear…allowing it to evolve…doing the Forgiveness Prayer…for those parts of me where I feel afraid…

I feel better…already…

Besides…Bertha…says…not to worry…I can always go to the beauty shop…if I need to catch up…thankfully…some things…never change…

Jane

Tasting the Artichoke…

Wow…a lot of time in the contemplation chair lately…lots to sort out…at first…I was frustrated…I thought I’d peeled that artichoke…I’d tasted the artichoke heart…it was good…I liked it…I thought I was done with that…

Wrong…

Bertha…reminded me…letting go of the past…letting go of…old fears…old ideas…old frustrations…is not an event…like graduating from college…I don’t do it…and then it’s done…I can hang the diploma on the wall…for the world to see…

Rather…

It’s an ongoing process…like my closet…the first time I clean it…there is a ton of stuff to discard…stuff that doesn’t fit…that is out of style…that is in disrepair…and…although…it looks lovely...in the moment…it takes ongoing effort…to keep it…cleared of the things that no longer work…because…things are continually changing…my taste in clothes…the styles…unfortunately…my size…

This continual…closet purging…says…nothing…about my character…about my resourcefulness…it only means…I need to let go of some things…that are no longer useful…and…the more often I do it…the easier it is…

She’s right…of course…I do find…that every time…I uncover another layer of the old stuff…and…heal it…forgive it…maybe even…love it…for the lessons it brought me…the easier it is…

And…

Every time…I taste that…sweet…tender…artichoke heart…I want to taste it again…and…that taste…makes all the peeling…worthwhile…

Jane

Does a Fish Have a Climbing Gear…

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Albert Einstein

I love this quote…I’ve saved it for months…I just haven’t been sure…exactly what I wanted to write about it…and…I’m still not…

And…maybe that’s the point…maybe…it doesn’t require anything else…maybe…Einstein…in his wisdom…said it all…but…then again…I can’t imagine…that…Bertha…would let…even Einstein…have the last word…

Hmmm…let’s see…is she being quiet…

No…

She’s pointing out to me…that…I have been guilty of judging others…trying to make them climb trees…when they really just need to swim…

She brings to mind…kids…at school…makes me wonder…how can we do it better…how can we maintain order…without forcing at least some of them to climb upstream…I don’t have an answer…but…of course…Bertha…does…she always does…

She says that…there is no…we…there is only…me…and…that…I listen to them…give them the opportunity to talk…to be heard…to be understood…to be loved…and…while that doesn’t solve the problem…from the educator’s standpoint…it does from mine…and that’s the only one I can change…

Of course…there have been relationships…big and small…when I have expected others to be what I needed them to be…not who they really were…so…I ask…how do I do it differently…her answer is…I listen…I hear…I understand…I love…I let them be…

And…last…but…by no means…least…she points out the bumps…bruises…and…scars…from days when my own discontent…with who I was…sent me out of my pond…in an attempt to scale some distant tree…I ask…how do I do it differently…her answer is…I write…I hear…I understand…I love…I let me be…

That’s a lot…to think about…I think…it will take some time in the contemplation chair…to wrap my arms around it all…and…hopefully…while I’m there…I’ll be able…to hear…to understand…to love…myself…

Jane

Friday Moves…

It’s Friday…and…I’m facing a three day weekend…so…I’m excited…hopeful that we will have some of that spring-like weather we’ve been enjoying…from the confines of work…

So…I’ve been doing the…TGIF Happy Dance…all around the house this morning…until…Bertha…reminded me…as with all of life…this…too…is relative…

Sometimes…okay…always…I hate when she does that…choosing the most inopportune time…to teach me a lesson…I was enjoying my dancing…oh…you think my dancing is the reason she chose the moment…geez…now you’re a Dancing with the Stars judge…geez…

Anyway…she reminded me…of the years that I worked…three 12 hour shifts…Friday…Saturday…Sunday…

Hmmm…there were never any…TGIF Happy Dances…back then…it was more like…TGIM…if you know what I mean…

And…then…she continued…there were all those years…that I worked…every other weekend…so my days off were scattered…then it was…TGIOT…Thank God I’m Off Tomorrow…whenever that might have been…

And…of course…she’s right…it is relative…everything in life is…and while…I appreciate that…I understand that…I’ll contemplate that later…at this moment…I Will Survive…is playing on the radio…and I’m looking forward to a three day weekend…thanks to an unused weather day…think I’ll bust some TGIF moves…

Hope you enjoy your day off…whenever that may be…

Jane

Ms. Clean…

Yesterday…I wrote about my house…it was a good thing…reminded me of how much I do love living here…reminded me of how meticulous I was about keeping everything…just so…when I moved in…reminded me of how that felt…

Feeling inspired…I decided to set things right…again…now…it wasn’t that the place was trashed…just a small stack of mail on the table…a throw here…a throw there…pillows out of whack on the sofa…a drawer open…

Okay…maybe it was trashed…take your white gloves off…nobody asked you to inspect…see if I ever invite you over again…geez…but…I digress…

It only took about ten minutes…to do…everything…that needed to be done…ten short minutes…that made all the difference in the way things felt when I got home…

The house seemed brighter…more peaceful…more energetic…more cheerful…all at the same time…

It felt good to be home…

Makes me wonder…why…I let things slide…why I settle for less than what I really want…when…it’s really so easy to have it…just ten minutes…here and there…and it’s done…

And…then…I remember…it’s not that I’m settling for less…it’s just that I’m writing now…and…I’m finding my way…how do I work it all in…how do I fit the puzzle pieces together…

I’m not sure I have the answer…Bertha…says I’ll figure it out…in my own time…in my own way…in the meantime…she’s handing me the Swiffer…she says…I might as well finish the job…while I contemplate…

Maybe…just maybe…that’s how I do it…

Jane

Morning Has Broken…

I love being outside in the morning…as the sun comes up…as birds are busily being the early ones…I sit in my granny’s rocker…drink coffee…and bask…listening to the sounds…letting my eyes adjust to the dusky dawn…getting ever brighter…then…feeling the first rays of sunshine…on my face…

I walked out this morning…it is still cool…too cool to settle into her chair…even with a throw…but…I hear the songs of the birds…and I know…that soon…very…soon…my contemplation time…will be amongst the birds…and squirrels…and…I can wait…a few more days…

Some people wonder…why I get up so early…even in the summer…and this is why…I suppose like the birds…I want to be the early one…

Jane

Juan Valdez…Couldn’t Start the Day Without Him…

In response to my frustration this week…Bertha…has been reminding me…gently with that skillet to the head…to slow down…be in the present moment…to fully engage in what I am doing…to savor the joy that is hidden in the chaos…

I must not have been listening…so…she left me a note by the coffee pot…that said…

Read this…out loud…

I’m grateful that Juan Valdez and his burrow got up early…and went out to pick these coffee beans…at their peak of flavor…I’m grateful that someone processed them…shipped them to my local store…and that the store was open at a convenient time…so that I could purchase a bag of coffee…in my favorite grind and flavor…I am grateful that I have a wonderful electric coffee pot…with a timer…so that the coffee is ready when I get up in the morning…I’m grateful that I have these beautiful coffee mugs…that are just the right size…and shape…I love to feel the warmth of the coffee against my hand…

Wow…she definitely got my attention…although…I love my morning coffee…I must admit…I usually don’t give it my full attention…for more than the first sip…anyway…

It goes more like…pull up the sheets…take a sip…pull up the bedspread…take a sip…put on makeup…take a sip…work on the blog…take a sip…I have too much to do in the morning…to just sit with my coffee…

Or…do I…maybe I have too much to do…not to take two minutes…and just savor the coffee…find the joy in the chaos of my coming day…I think I’ll go…sit in the contemplation chair…with a cup...and see how it goes…

Jane

On Bertha’s Soapbox…

It’s January…I’m already tired of the political races…and they haven’t really started…there will be many…days…weeks…months…to come…filled with bickering…name calling…and mudslinging…

Bertha says…look on the bright side…

I say…that is the bright side…it may be much worse…

Social media…AKA…Facebook…has added a whole new dimension to politics…now the supporters of the opposing candidates…can square off…in print…for the world to see…and add their two cents worth…it ain’t pretty…it’s actually depressing…

And yet…to play off the old commercial…I can’t believe I read the whole thing…but…as frustrating as it was…I did…I read every word…of a very long…very heated debate…with some valid…and ridiculous…points made for both sides…and some that I don’t think really cared one way or the other…they just enjoyed stirring the pot…

I didn’t post…

Mama taught me a long time ago…there just some things a lady doesn’t put on Facebook…she was very farsighted…for the day…and that’s politics…religion…football…and your love life…

I try to remember that…

I try to remember that there is no perfect candidate…for the most part…they all have some good points…and some not so good points…they mostly have good intentions when they make their promises…but most of them can’t be kept…in the end…I’ll have my favorite…I’ll vote…but…I’ll work with whomever is elected…

I try to remember that other’s religious beliefs aren’t mine to judge…and hope they feel the same about mine…

I try to remember that there are crazy fans for all football teams…but…there are also lots and lots of wonderful people who just happen to get really excited about a particular team…good for them…I respect their passion…I respect their right to choose…I hope they respect my right to be rather indifferent…although…I do have a preference…

I try to remember…hmmm…what was it like to have a love life…hmmm…nothing comes to mind…geez…

I’m stepping off Bertha’s soapbox now…she’s herding me to the contemplation chair…seems I’ve gotten a bit riled up…and I need to spend some time with the forgiveness prayer…

Anything to get me off of her soapbox…

Jane

Days’d and Confused…

As much as I hate to admit it…working adds a structure to my life…that gets lost during off time…I wake up without that sense of the day in my sleep addled brain…is it Thursday…is it Friday…there is a sense of blurriness…

I tend to get lulled into complacency in the non-structure…knowing that I am more or less in charge of my time…I lose my sense of urgency for certain tasks…like my writing…my contemplation time…without the pressure of the gotta-get-to-work clock ticking…they tend to get delayed…and too often…displaced altogether…hidden somewhere under the laundry…errands…or even a good book…

It’s interesting…that when I have time to do more of the things that sustain me…that keep me sane…I tend to do less of them…there’s always that sense…I can do them in a bit…and the bit doesn’t come…

Lonely Contemplation Chair

And…it isn’t as though the things I do instead aren’t important…even necessary…in their own right…they are…the floors must be cleaned…food must be cooked…it’s a bit of the Martha and Mary conundrum…what has true value…

My heart knows the answer…it always does…I hear it speaking throughout the stillness of my unstructured days…and that is the answer…there’s too much inner noise when I work…I have to take the time to listen before I go…

That feels softer…smoothing the harsh edges I felt earlier…

My days don’t require as much time in the contemplation chair…I’m contemplating as I sweep…as I cook…as I fold…there’s a stillness in the tasks…they open the bridge between knowing and feeling…things fall into place…I continue to become who I already am…

So…in the span of this page…I am no longer pining for the loss of the structure…for my working day rituals…I welcome the blurriness of my time…I welcome not having a clear sense of the day when I awake…I welcome letting it unfold as it may…as I listen to the music of my heart…

Jane

Super Blogger...Strikes Again...

By day…she is an humble School Nurse…by night and early morning…Super Blogger…exploring unknown worlds…armed only with words…letters and punctuation…she is skilled in the use of a semicolon…hyperboles are no match for her…she scales the highest similes like a cat with a climbing gear…

And yet…she can’t come up with a thing to say…funny how that happens…some days it’s easy…the words almost type themselves…and others…well…they just don’t flow at all…

Honestly…my writing often takes its own turn…I start out in one direction…and suddenly…I’m in a totally different place than I had intended…but usually one that is much better…

Bertha says…that’s how it goes in life…I have a direction all plotted…I think it is where I want to go…and something comes along and gets me off course…I whine…I complain…I stomp my feet…and then suddenly…find myself in a unfamiliar place…one I never even imagined…but then I realize…it is exactly where I need to be…

I guess that’s what she’s been trying to tell me this afternoon…as I sat at the keyboard…typing around in circles…type…highlight…delete…type…highlight…delete…not getting anything meaningful on the page…I’m trying too hard…I’m forcing it…when all I had to do…was let it flow…quit trying to make it do what I thought it had to do…

Hmmm…sounds like contemplation chair time…contemplation image…thoughts…like leaves…fluttering in the wind…landing where they will…

Jane

True Confessions…of a Clothes Horse…

They say…confession is good for the soul…well then…my soul is gonna be better for this…so here goes…

It started the first day of first grade…I wore shorts…cute little lime green shorts with a matching plaid top that had a metallic thread…yes…I remember in that much detail…I also remember that all the other little girls had on dresses…

Thus started the…what am I gonna wear…obsession…maybe you know how it goes…

Ring…ring…you wanna go out with a bunch of us on Thursday?

Ah…um…sure…what’ll ya’ll be wearing?

And it’s a double edged sword…not only do I want to blend in…I want to look good…the only thing is…it doesn’t matter how many clothes I have hanging in my closet…I never seem to have exactly what I think I should wear…if I have the funds…I buy something new…but…quite often I go…feeling uncomfortable…ill at ease…because I don’t think I have on just the right thing…

If a mere evening out with friends puts me in a dizzy…imagine what major events do…a date…well…haven’t had to worry about that one in a while…but…it would definitely require a new outfit…a speaking engagement…always cries out for a new outfit…even if they’ve never seen me before…

So…I shouldn’t have been surprised when my friend Edie Galley asked to interview me for her radio show…that my first concern was…what should I wear…not…what am I gonna say…

Just for the record…the interview is done over the phone…no one…not one single person could see me…but…I was very authorish…in black leggings…long, black bubble top…and purple ballerina flats…silver jewelry completed the ensemble…my hair and makeup were nicely done…my legs were clean shaven…and my toenails were freshly painted…

Now…you may be thinking that this means I’m insecure…not sure I’m gonna fit in…and I believe you’d be right…you’re getting as smart as Bertha…who of course has something to say about this…

She says it’s another layer of living my truth…of feeling good about who I am…regardless of how I…or anyone else is dressed…it’s about buying clothes that I love…that speak to me…and just knowing that I’ll fit in wherever I do…and if I don’t…it’s not the clothes holding me back…

This one…is gonna take some more time in the contemplation chair…hmmm…wonder what I should wear…

Gotcha!

Jane