Tasting the Artichoke…

Wow…a lot of time in the contemplation chair lately…lots to sort out…at first…I was frustrated…I thought I’d peeled that artichoke…I’d tasted the artichoke heart…it was good…I liked it…I thought I was done with that…

Wrong…

Bertha…reminded me…letting go of the past…letting go of…old fears…old ideas…old frustrations…is not an event…like graduating from college…I don’t do it…and then it’s done…I can hang the diploma on the wall…for the world to see…

Rather…

It’s an ongoing process…like my closet…the first time I clean it…there is a ton of stuff to discard…stuff that doesn’t fit…that is out of style…that is in disrepair…and…although…it looks lovely...in the moment…it takes ongoing effort…to keep it…cleared of the things that no longer work…because…things are continually changing…my taste in clothes…the styles…unfortunately…my size…

This continual…closet purging…says…nothing…about my character…about my resourcefulness…it only means…I need to let go of some things…that are no longer useful…and…the more often I do it…the easier it is…

She’s right…of course…I do find…that every time…I uncover another layer of the old stuff…and…heal it…forgive it…maybe even…love it…for the lessons it brought me…the easier it is…

And…

Every time…I taste that…sweet…tender…artichoke heart…I want to taste it again…and…that taste…makes all the peeling…worthwhile…

Jane

Letting Go…

Letting go…it shouldn’t be so difficult…I’ve let go of the pain…of hurts…inflicted by others…why…do I not let go of hurts…that I inflict upon myself…doubts…insecurities…fears…nagging words…in the back of my mind…ever eager…to take the forefront…

It’s another layer…I’ve peeled this artichoke before…or so I thought…obviously…some tough outer leaves remained…preventing the tender heart from being fully exposed…

Maybe that’s it…maybe…I keep these insecurities…because…they prevent me from being vulnerable…keep me from exposing my true self…even to me…but…especially to others…

They keep me in…my place…perhaps it’s safe…but…it’s not where I want to be anymore…and…so…one more time…I peel off those tough protective leaves…not knowing…if it will be the last time…but…resolving…to continue the process…until at last…it is done…

Jane

All That Glitters…

Bertha Contemplating

I meant to write my blog today…but…sometimes…sometimes…life gets in the way…blocking my words with shiny objects…shiny objects…to explore…to examine…to experience…

All that glitters…is not…gold…I am reminded…and so it is with shiny objects…sometimes they surface as old fears…old frustrations…old ideas…freshly polished…shining as brightly…as the day they were born…

And…so…instead of writing…words of wisdom…words of wit…I sat staring at the shinies…wondering how they got there…in the middle of my words…I thought I had hidden them…where they couldn’t be found…

But…alas…they could…

Jane

Like Riding a Bicycle…

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles…but most of them never happened…

Mark Twain

Interesting that I wrote about fear yesterday…for…after the post…I went for a bike ride…and…although…I’ve been for hundreds of bike rides…and ridden thousands of miles…over the last few years…there was an insecurity prior to this ride…

It went something like this…

I wasn’t able to ride like I wanted to last year…has it been too long…will I remember how to shift the gears…will I remember to clip out of the pedals before I stop…the remembrance of a broken arm while learning that lesson…crept through my mind…can I make the hills…can I ride my fancy road bike…or should I take the more predictable…less challenging…cruiser instead…and…what about airing those tires…quite the challenge…after months of slowly leaking…

Bertha…met me at the door…with cycling shorts and shoes in hand…listened to no excuses…reminded me to focus on what I want…rather than what I don’t want…had…me dressed…and pumping tires in no time…

Pumping the tires…a great triceps workout…I’ll leave it at that…

And…yes…she had me on the fancy road bike…you knew she would…didn’t you…yeah…me too…

I was delighted with the ride…my cycle computer died as soon as I clicked it into place…so I have no idea how far…or fast…I went…which is probably for the best…now…I can assume…or pretend…that my stats far outweighed…my performance…

Interestingly…my fingers knew exactly which levers to click…to shift into easier…and more difficult gears…my body…instinctively knew how long it could balance…in a near stopped position…then…my feet…automatically…unclicked at the proper moment…and…found the ground…there were no stumbles…no tumbles…

So…where did I go…well…truthfully…I made several loops…just around town…my experience has taught me…that…unlike the exercise bike…which allows me to abort my mission at any time…on the bike…wherever I pedal to…I have to be able to get home again…so…for uncertain days…I find it works to be close to home…and…honestly…in the Spring…there is so much to look at…I couldn’t have seen it all in one trip anyway…

The cool thing is…the first loop was the hardest…it was all uphill…and downhill…after that…

Today…new battery for the computer…I’m thinking a different route…maybe a little further from home…or…maybe not…it really doesn’t matter where I go…as long as I go…at least…that’s what Bertha says…and we know…she’s always right…

Jane

Cats and Dogs…

I just found this piece in some old files…and…although it happened a few years ago…for some reason…I wanted to share it today…could be that I didn't have anything else written...but...I'm not saying...

Cats and Dogs

I’ve always heard the expression…It’s Raining Cats and Dogs…I never dreamed I’d experience it firsthand…but…as Mama always says…never say never…which…I always thought was a bit off…wasn’t she saying never when she said it…hmmm…but…once again…I digress…

Here’s what happened…the cat…went out on Saturday…now this is not an unusual occurrence…she does it several times a day…and basically…she just sits there…glaring…and daring…the neighborhood peasant cats to come near her kingdom…hence…her unofficial title…Porch Princess…

Anyway…she had no more than taken the throne when the bottom fell out…which in the South means…it started to pour down rain…again…no biggie…the porch is covered…she was high and dry…

And in the house there was casual chatter…when out on the porch…there arose such a clatter…Bertha and I jumped to the door…to see what was the matter…

And…the matter was…a Labrador retriever…obviously no respecter of royalty…making a mad dash for her highness…who wasted no time…diving into the pouring rain…

Bertha and I barely had time to gasp and look at each other…before the racing duo made their second lap around the house…long story short…well…maybe not short…but…anyway…

Bertha…stood guard on the porch…I ran through the house…let the cat in the back door…and never saw the Lab again…

The cat was soaking wet…but fine…nothing injured other than…her snootiness…she hid under the bed for most of the day…and…now…she won’t go back outside…for love nor money…not that I offered her any…money…that is…

Anyway…Bertha has had a good laugh about it…pointing out to the cat…that even the kittens across the street are out playing…she has reminded her of the 2000 other times she has been outside without incident…but…the cat hasn’t budged…

I mean…really…have you ever tried to humiliate a cat…let’s just say…it didn’t work…and she has no interest in putting herself back out there…

Bertha says…that it reminds her of…me…big surprise…everything reminds her of me…that I tend to focus on the few things that have happened in my life…those things…I call failures…and that I let them keep me…from putting myself back out there…

Hmmm…she may just be on to something…I do recall…a few…very few…okay…a bunch…of times in my life…that I let failure…hold me back…

But…wait…

The cat’s at the door…asking to go out…there may be hope for me after all…

Jane

PS…this actually transpired…truth is stranger than fiction…but…the rest of the story is…we moved shortly after that…the cat…believed that it was just for her…she promptly resumed her Porch Princess status…at our new home…where she reigned…until she crossed the rainbow bridge…may she rest in peace…

Into the Meadow…

My writing life is expanding…and…I like that…I think…I have become so comfortable in the little spot that I’ve carved out for myself…that…I’m not sure who I’ll be in a more open space…

I’m reading Bambi…not the Walt Disney version…but the original book…I feel like Bambi…on his first trip from the secluded spot in the forest…to the open expanse of the meadow…

The meadow…filled with delight…discovery…adventure…but…also…caution…possibly danger…

My writing is taking me into the meadow…I’ve written before…I’ve published before…but…this time is different…it’s more expansive…somehow…

Maybe…this meadow isn’t really bigger…but…it feels like it is…like Bambi…I’m growing…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m writing…

And…while…in this moment…this feels like it’s about writing…I know that it is also…about a bigger picture…I know…because…Bertha is hitting me over the head with the skillet again…

Reminding me that whether it is writing…relationships…jobs…or…so many areas of life…I am constantly…retreating into the woods…then venturing back into the meadow…a meadow…that feels bigger with each trip…but…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m being…

Jane

Falling Leaves…

Get over who you were…and…be who you are...

Bertha

Yesterday…I noticed a solitary leaf clinging to an otherwise naked tree…not really an earth shattering event…and most likely not unique…most likely being duplicated on thousands of other trees…along thousands of other roads…

I’m not sure why it caught my attention…but…once it was in my awareness…Bertha grabbed hold of it…as quickly…and firmly…as a child snatching a sucker in a candy store…

There was a correlation to my life…duh…there’s always a correlation to my life…

She pointed out…again…we’ve had this discussion before…that the leaf represented fear of letting go…it was clinging to the old…the no longer useful…the dead…refusing to let go…and become who it now was…

I let her words in…even though the message was well-worn…it struck a new chord this time…the fear…I would like to say concern…but it is a fear…of being who I have become…who I am…is in reality…the fear of being pummeled back into who I was…

If I never go forward…I will never be forced back…I will stay in this no man’s land…a dry leaf…clinging to a winter tree…a familiar place…where no growth takes place…where no dreams are realized…

The words definitely make a new melody…soothing me…like a lullaby…I have already become the person that I am…there’s no stopping that…no going back…I am who I now am…it’s okay…let go of the tree…float…

Jane