Saturday, December 31, 2011

When Intentions Collide…Julie and Julia Provide…

Okay…technically…it’s still 2011…but I really wanted to get a jump start on my 2012 intention…
I spent yesterday…getting ready to live fully today…I joined a new gym…convinced that as the one year anniversary of surgery arrives…I have the stamina to exercise again…I took paintings to be framed…bought cloth napkins for my newly gifted frog napkin rings…I planned my to-do list for today…
But…alas…my body evidently knows that it is indeed the last day of 2011…not yet the first of 2012…
The cold I’ve been attempting to ignore…another…most likely re-gifted…Christmas present…is making itself well known…and reminding me…being gentle with me…isn’t going away…just because I’m enjoying life to the fullest
I’m attempting to reconcile the two…listening to my sniffling body…while fully enjoying a day in my PJs…watching Julie & Julia…on TV…and interestingly…there are no accidents…it seems to be exactly the movie I need to encourage me…and keep me in balance…
I’m reminded…that I must follow my passion…but…at the same time…respect my everyday existence…for it is from that existence…that my passion flows…
I’m reminded…to keep going…to keep writing…even when I don’t know where…it will take me…for I am going exactly where I need to go…
I am reminded…that food is truly more than nourishment for the body…it can…and should be nourishment for the soul as well…and should be savored…not swallowed without thinking…
I am reminded that there is more than one way…some doors will close…and others will open…
Interestingly…I feel a little better…may even accomplish a few of those to-do items…but…they seem of little consequence now…the urgency is gone…as I gently enjoy life to the fullest
Jane

Friday, December 30, 2011

My Best Intentions…

Okay…so I’m supposed to be writing…but…it’s been a while…and my fingers don’t seem to work just right…or…write…or…maybe…just maybe…it is my brain that isn’t working…or…more honestly…I think it is my heart…
I do try to write from my heart…but…it is full…full of the sadness of the week…full of love and support…full of new memories with grandbabies and daughters…full of memories of the past…full of hope for the future…
The only thing is…when it’s really full…it’s like an overtired baby…it’s cranky…it can’t quite settle down…there’s no soothing…it’s not quite sure what it wants…what words want to come out first…second…never…
I want to work out my thoughts for the New Year…for 2012…what is my intention for the year…I long ago gave up the traditional resolution…the claiming of things to give up for the year…has proven to be a setup for failure…no…I find it much more productive to set an intention…an overall feeling…theme for the year…and…let it evolve as it will…
This year’s was…treating me gently…and…truly…I struggled with that one…learning to listen to my body…and…more importantly…to abide by what it was telling me…learning to trust the wisdom from within…has been challenging…and…I’m still a work in progress…still catching myself in an inner diatribe…still criticizing my limits…but…I have made progress…I have found practices that are sustaining me…I am writing again…I am healing with the forgiveness prayer…I am calming with Reiki…I have a network of loving, supportive people in my life…
Now…as 2012 approaches…my intention is…to live fully…I’m not certain of all the nuances of that…I know that it means to fully engage with the moment…whatever the activity of that moment may be…I hope it means…more activity…physically…socially…I hope it means…opening my heart and life to more…I hope it means feeling good…and having more energy…
I’m not sure exactly what it means…but…I think it will be interesting to see how this intention plays out…what shows up…what moves on…
Jane

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Biggest Heart…

Vetran's Day 2011
What does a forty-three year-old man do when he marries for the first time…and suddenly finds himself with three daughters…and in less than 15 months two grandchildren…
In my experience…he grows a bigger heart…
A heart big enough to embrace the rapid changes to his once quiet life…
A heart big enough not to buck the system of this family he found himself a part of…but…allowing us to become who and what we were on the way to becoming…and allowing Mama to do the directing and correcting…as we each found our places…
A heart big enough to send money to a daughter calling from the Holiday Inn parking lot in Greenville, SC who is in early labor…and the hospital is requiring cash up front…
A heart big enough to count the toes of that first grandchild…and marvel that…she’s just like a little person…must be why he called the grandchildren…little people…for years…
A heart big enough to endure the continual exchange of maternity clothes and itty bitty baby clothes...taking place in the laundry room…as the grandchild number climbed to four in three and a half years…
A heart big enough to send money…when it was needed…or at least never blink when Mama did…a heart big enough to load yet another truck as we moved from place to place…
A heart big enough to survive an instant teenager…complete with a constantly present best friend…and all the enthusiasm of youth…hence why he often said…speak softly like a little lady…even though…it never worked…
A heart big enough to love three more grandchildren…making a total of seven…
A heart big enough to play the same games with the grandkids…over and over…and over again…and to endure…some not so fun games…taking place as he napped…like…being hit on the head…covered with newspapers…and tied up…

A heart big enough to dole out a quarter every time those greedy little mouths uttered…Bald is Beautiful
A heart big enough…to always find room in the car for those same kids…anytime a trip was to be taken…
A heart big enough to take his Mother-in-law to the beauty shop every Saturday morning for years…
A heart big enough to…welcome us…children and grandchildren alike…back home…at various and asunder times…when life circumstances found us needing a place to stay for a bit…
A heart big enough to find a place for 12 great grandchildren…even though the games stopped as his health failed…he loved each of them as they came into our family…
A heart so big…that I could continue writing for days…and never get it all written…so…I will just thank you…Pop…for coming into our lives…our hearts are all a lot bigger because of you and your love
Jane
In loving memory of Doyle Creswell Carson…born January 21, 1923…died December 24, 2011…Christmas Eve…as somehow in my heart I knew he would…

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve…

Jim Jenkins died on Christmas Eve…that’s about all I remember about him personally…that…and that he cut his hand on the tin roof when he was building our barn…I remember there was a lot of blood and he acted like it was nothing…
Granny's rocker at my current home
He was a strong man…a good man…who loved his family…and did the best he could by them…
I sat in Granny’s rocker on my porch this morning…and looked out at his home place…contemplating Jim…and the family that binds us…his father and my grandfather were half-brothers…
I imagined my great-grandmother sitting in the same rocker…on this same porch…looking out at the same home place…I wondered if he lived there as a boy…I have no idea…
I have no notion why I feel compelled to write about this…what is the lesson that I have to learn…what is the feeling that I want to express…
I remember being in Granny’s living room with all the aunts and uncles and cousins when the call came about the wreck…they were on the way to Rachel’s in Tennessee…
I never knew that people died on holidays…I never knew that Christmas could be a time of sadness…and forever hold painful memories…but then…I was only a child…there was so much that I didn’t know at the time…
I remember how quiet the room got after the call…I don’t remember the funeral…I don’t remember ever talking to Melba about losing her Daddy…I have no idea how her Mother managed to make ends meet after his death…
I feel remorse for not knowing those kinds of things at the time…but I was only a child…
Many Christmas Eves have come and gone since then…and somehow…I’ve grown to expect Christmas to be a time of sadness…at least part of the time…and…I reopen my painful memories like presents under the tree…passing them around for everyone to see…
After all…I’m no longer a child…
Jane
PS…now for…the rest of story…I wrote this piece a few years ago…when I was living in my great-aunt’s home place…my great-grandmother…she would have been Jim’s grandmother…did indeed live with my great-aunt and uncle in her later years…and my grandmother sent her the rocker to use while she was there…
I’m still not exactly sure why I wrote this piece…but it’s one that has stayed with me…through thick and thin and numerous computer crashes…so…I’m sharing it today…Christmas Eve…thankfully I don’t feel the need to reopen the painful memories this year or pass them around again…in fact…I think I’ll see what new things are under the tree…

Friday, December 23, 2011

Days’d and Confused…

As much as I hate to admit it…working adds a structure to my life…that gets lost during off time…I wake up without that sense of the day in my sleep addled brain…is it Thursday…is it Friday…there is a sense of blurriness…
I tend to get lulled into complacency in the non-structure…knowing that I am more or less in charge of my time…I lose my sense of urgency for certain tasks…like my writing…my contemplation time…without the pressure of the gotta-get-to-work clock ticking…they tend to get delayed…and too often…displaced altogether…hidden somewhere under the laundry…errands…or even a good book…
It’s interesting…that when I have time to do more of the things that sustain me…that keep me sane…I tend to do less of them…there’s always that sense…I can do them in a bit…and the bit doesn’t come…
Lonely Contemplation Chair
And…it isn’t as though the things I do instead aren’t important…even necessary…in their own right…they are…the floors must be cleaned…food must be cooked…it’s a bit of the Martha and Mary conundrum…what has true value…
My heart knows the answer…it always does…I hear it speaking throughout the stillness of my unstructured days…and that is the answer…there’s too much inner noise when I work…I have to take the time to listen before I go…
That feels softer…smoothing the harsh edges I felt earlier…
My days don’t require as much time in the contemplation chair…I’m contemplating as I sweep…as I cook…as I fold…there’s a stillness in the tasks…they open the bridge between knowing and feeling…things fall into place…I continue to become who I already am
So…in the span of this page…I am no longer pining for the loss of the structure…for my working day rituals…I welcome the blurriness of my time…I welcome not having a clear sense of the day when I awake…I welcome letting it unfold as it may…as I listen to the music of my heart…
Jane

Thursday, December 22, 2011

It Wasn’t Brain Surgery…Well…Yes…I Guess It Was…

I wore a three-strand turquoise necklace yesterday…it looked lovely with my brown outfit…I got several compliments…I accepted them graciously…it was a milestone…
Not the accepting of compliments…although I admit…that still isn’t my strong point…but the ability to wear a necklace…for over 12 hours…that was the milestone…it’s been almost a year since I could do that…
When told that I required brain surgery for Chiari I Malformationexactly a year ago yesterday as well…I hadn’t realized the poignancy of it until the words appeared on the page…many things went through my mind…the obvious…would I live or die…there are always risks…what kind of aftercare I would require…and who could provide it…a complication of living alone…the possibility of staff infection…I am a nurse after all
But…as all these things ran through my mind…I never considered that I would have major changes in common…ordinary…everyday things…
I had no clue that my head would feel like it had a two-by-four attached to the back of it…stealing the simple pleasure from laying on my back…or laying back in a warm bath…and totally change the depth perception of leaning back into a headrest…
I had no clue that my hair would be sore…literally for months…or that it would sparkle when the sunlight hit it…not a comfortable feeling I might add…
I had no clue…that wearing my favorite earrings would suddenly feel akin to hanging a cannon ball from each ear…
I had no clue that the seeming weight of my head…would make sitting at the computer for more than five minutes…totally out of the question…no writing then
I had no clue…that because my surgery also involved my cervical vertebrae…that wearing a necklace would become unthinkable…
I had no clue…about a lot of things…the list could go on and on…but…honestly…I’m glad I didn’t know…there was enough to dread…enough to fret about…without concerning myself with the foolishness of accessories…
Even though due to permanent nerve damage…I still have many…most…of the symptoms that I was having…and will live with them the rest of my life…they are familiar…nuisances…like annoying relatives…who are accepted for who and what they are…not always welcome…but always there…my surgery was a resounding success
So…I celebrate…my hair isn’t sore…it rarely sparkles…I can wear most earrings…obviously…I can sit at the computer…I can write again…and…now…as I approach the one year anniversary of the surgery…I can wear a necklace…definitely a milestone…
Jane

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Rules…the Things that Dreams Are Made Of…

Sometimes we need a different set of rules…for good day and bad days
These words were going through my head when I woke up this morning…not sure exactly what I was dreaming about…but…it feels like I was talking to a child…giving advice…
So…I’ve been thinking about what these words mean…what they are trying to say to me…and to be honest…I’m not completely certain…we’ll see what transpires as I write…not much time for editing…so here we go…
My first thought is those days that I get up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed…you know those mornings when everything seems to be going wrong…I wake up late…can’t decide what to wear…forgot to set the coffee pot the night before…get stuck in traffic…or at the train tracks…what if…on those mornings…I made new rules…different rules…what if for starters…I didn’t worry about being late for work…
Now...hear me out…before you call my principal and tell him to start checking my arrival times…read what I said again…what if I didn’t worry about being late for work…that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do everything in my power to get there on time…it just means I’m not going to fret about it…
I like that rule change…in fact…I like it so much…I want to use it every day…not just on bad ones…hmmm…
The next example of a bad day that comes to me…involves a disagreement with a friend…family member…co-worker…you know the kind that just keeps playing over and over again in your head…like reruns of a bad movie…what if I changed the rule…and changed channels…
What if I said the Forgiveness Prayer…until I felt better about myself…and better about them…what if I said it until I felt peace and forgiveness…
Hmmm…I like that rule change a lot…it feels calming…in fact…think I want to use it every day as well…
The next bad day that comes to mind is frustration…the day that words won’t come…that my to-do list rivals Santa’s delivery list…when the cake I need in 45 minutes…takes an hour to bake…what if I change the rule and go in a different direction…
What if I leave the computer…and do something fun…until the words return…they always come back…and they usually tumble out quickly when they do…what if I threw my to-do list in the trash…and asked my heart what I needed to accomplish for the day…what if I changed directions with the cake…what if I switched to cupcakes…or bought one…or just let it go…
Well…I hate to admit it…but I like that rule change as well…I think it’s a keeper…hmmm…
Well…I’m still not sure what the dream reference was all about…but…I’m beginning to see the fallacy of it…maybe it has no more significance than those dreams where I show up to Church in my nightgown…or worse…without it…but…I digress…
Maybe I just need new rules…rules that are softer…more gentle…rules that work with me…not against me…rules that don’t beat me up…
Or…better yet…maybe I don’t need any rules at all…maybe each day…each moment…should determine what I actions I take…maybe I don’t have to figure them out ahead of time…and set them in stone…and always adhere to them…
Definitely something to think about…
Jane

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Bubble…Bubble…Splash…and…Guzzle…

Funny…you do something for one reason…and it turns out taking on a life of its own…in a totally different direction…case in point…the bubbling rock in my back yard…
I thought I had it installed…because I love the sound of running water…because…it was a great addition to the dry creek that my landscaper designed to handle my drainage problem…because it was just cool…
Wrong…                                          
Bertha's Flamingos considering a drink.
Evidently I had it installed for the pleasure and convenience of the neighborhood wild…and not so wild…life…
No sooner had the water started flowing…than my squirrels started boasting to their friends that…their person had installed a…water fountain
Of course…they invited them over for a drink…the only polite, social thing to do…and squirrels are quite the social animals…
When the rock got slimy…I added a bit of bleach to it…salt crystals formed on the rock…wa-la…a built in salt block…now a full service rock…nothing is too good for my squirrels
Before long some of the neighborhood dogs discovered it…and…it wasn’t that they didn’t have bowls full of water at home…but…every dog knows that water tastes better coming through a rock…hello
I’m sure kids would have tried it as well…they seem to agree with dogs on such matters…but alas…we are a community of grown-ups…
Although…birds soon followed…and it quickly became a rock of the masses…completely transcending its humble beginnings as a mere water feature…
Yes…it still made a delightful gurgling sound…yes…it was calming…but it was also delightfully entertaining on a whole new level…watching all the different species…carefully make their way to it for a drink…or a splash…like children on the playground…sometime sharing…sometimes not…
I’ve served water to birds that I’ve never seen before…some that I haven’t been able to fully identify…not even with Google…I’m posting their picture…they were tiny…and about 20 of them would get on the rock at one time…hopping across each other’s backs to get to the precious stream…they literally drank it dry twice in the two weeks they were in the area…
The latest addition was a group of Cedar Waxwings this past weekend…I’d never seen them before…loved their yellow tipped tails…I hope they will hang around…but they may have just been passing through…
I just am delighted that…of all the bubbling rocks…in all the towns in all the world…they flew into mine
Here’s looking at you birds
Jane

Monday, December 19, 2011

Iron Ore, Frankincense, and Myrrh…

I think I’m going through the change…no…not hot flashes and super sensitive crying spells…although…I am of an age…but…we won’t talk about that here…just turn off the heat and open a window…before you hurt my feelings…okay…the truth…I’m past that age…are you happy now…geez…you are so picky…
But…I’m still going through…if not…the change…at least…a change…the change I’m experiencing isn’t hormonal…it’s actually alchemical…magical…
Now…don’t get too excited…I haven’t found the long sought after philosopher’s stone…I’m not changing iron ore into gold…at least not in the strictest sense of the word…although…hmmm…I could use a couple of large gold nuggets with holiday shopping and all…but I digress…
Okay…let me explain…before even I get confused…I’m talking about the transformation of my heart…now…it’s not completely there yet…but…there is a golden vein that has developed…I’m not sure just exactly when it got there…
It happened gradually…over the last few months…one tiny speck of gold dust at a time…every time I lived my truth…I added a speck…every time I’ve been open with my feelings…every time I’ve trusted my heart…every time I’ve peeled the artichoke…another speck…every Forgiveness Prayer I’ve said…every blog I’ve written…were showers of gold dust…until…suddenly…just yesterday…I found it…the mother lode…pay dirt…stake-a-claim worthy…golden vein
It didn’t happen with fireworks or fanfare…it was quieter…just a warm feeling…a knowing…that…I am the person I’ve been writing about…that I am the person I want to be…
So…maybe…I have found the proverbial philosopher’s stone…maybe…I am truly turning iron ore into gold…and even though it’s not the kind of gold that will pay for all those Christmas gifts I would like to buy…I think it’s better…
In fact…I know it’s better…because…transforming my heart…one sparkle of gold dust at a time is magical…it is what is going to allow me to truly experience the beauty of the Christmas season…and to appreciate the beauty of who I am…
So the gift that I offer to the world this year is not store bought…it’s home grown…it’s magic…it’s me
And…BTW…no exchanges…no refunds…no regifting…just saying…
Jane

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Fake It Till You Make It…

I love poinsettias…but…honestly…it’s unrequited…that’s right…they just don’t love me back…
I no sooner get them home from the florist…than the leaves start curling…and once they start curling…just like that perm I gave myself in the day…there ain’t no going back…and it ain’t pretty…if you know what I mean…
Over the years…I’ve tried different things…a sunnier window…more water…less water…all with the same results…curling leaves…and…yes…like the hair…they fall off…
The only time I had any success…was when I lived in Gulf Shores…it was mild enough there that they could stay outside…they liked that…maybe they just don’t like being in the same house with me…hmmm…I must have been married to a couple of poinsettias…but…I digress…
No curling leaves!
So…being the resourceful sort…I figure…if I can’t have it naturally…I’ll go for fake…and I have…two…beautiful…bright red…silk…poinsettias…well placed…in the hanging planter by the front door…
And if I do say so myself…unlike that home perm…they do look pretty natural hanging there…in fact…I just peeked out…to find that Jack Frost has indeed…nipped their noses…and if they can fool Jack…well…that’s good enough for me…
So…I’m feeling pretty good about the poinsettias…it’s a great solution…but I wonder…what do you think...should I be looking for a yardman…hmmm…
Jane

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Although It’s Been Said…Many Times…Many Ways…


Such a simple statement…I don’t know why I’ve fought it so all these years…why I’ve insisted that I am different…less than…more than…perhaps because we…as individuals…struggle to be individuals
And while it’s true…I am less than many people…less beautiful…less wealthy…less intelligent…less talented…less courageous…less successful…
The opposite is just as true…I am more than many people…more beautiful…more wealthy…more intelligent…more talented…more courageous…more successful…
But…suddenly…I see that these differences unite me to…rather than separate me from others…for the same is true for them as well…it’s pretty much a Universal Truth…
Now…I know…if we really dug…we might find the one who is at the top or the bottom of these heaps…but I wonder…could we ever clearly identify that person…and would it be a constant status…or would it be continuingly changing…
So…somewhere along the line…I forgot…if I’d ever known…that I was both sides of the equation…in my struggle to be an individual…I found it easier to focus on less than…I was…after all…raised with the belief…that pride was a sin…if I acknowledged that I was also more than…wouldn’t that be pride…
Honestly…I’ve always been more uncomfortable accepting compliments than insults…but…I’m getting better at it…no need to insult me today…really…geez…
We talked about this last night…I was a participant in Jenn Givler and Teresa Morrow’s…Busy Person’s Time Out—Get You Back…then Leah sent me a link to a Brene Brown video which is all about living whole heartedly…and then the message from Carolyn this morning…that ended in the quote of the day…
And…although each message was different…they all dovetailed into each other so nicely…that I couldn’t determine where one ended and the other began…
So…I am different…I am unique…I am less than…I am more than…and…so are you…let’s celebrate that…as we all try to accomplish our destinies…we are the gift…(thanks for that Jenn)
Jane

We travel different paths…but…we all try to accomplish our destiny—Carolyn

Friday, December 16, 2011

We’re On the Air…With Edie Galley…

Bertha and I just finished listening to our radio interview with Edie Galley on Courageous Voices Radio Show…we talked about the courage to follow your dream…even when that dream takes a left turn in Albuquerque…since that’s pretty much what mine has done…
I used to think that dreams were concrete…set in stone so to speak…but…what I’ve come to understand over the years…is that dreams are actually kind of slippery…they can change shape…and direction…but…they don’t go away…even when we can’t see them for a while…they are always there…
Funny…I just realized as I wrote this…that the situation I’ve been concerned about lately…is really an old dream…that has twisted and turned…and come back home…hmmm…I wonder where it will take me now…
Oh…and by the way…problems…situations…issues…are often just invitations to play with your dreams again…hey…they have to get our attention somehow…although…I think a nicely worded card…even an email…would have sufficed…just saying…
But…I digress…I was telling you about the interview with Edie…what can I say…it was like old home week…we’ve known each other for several years now…in fact…she was the first person to interview me when Bertha-Size Your Life was first released…we have since worked together on other internet radio shows…and become close friends…
I hope you can take the time to listen to the interview…it’s only about 30 minutes…and…it turned out really well…if I do say so myself…oh…and if you listen carefully…you may even hear Bertha…putting her two cents worth in from time to time…
Jane

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Taking a Stand…More than Just Jumping on a Soapbox…

The details of yesterday’s blog were blurred…to protect the sensitive nature of the actual situation that I am upset about…it really isn’t mine to share in a public forum…
But…I feel I need to tell you that…there is no Susie…well…I’m sure there is one…somewhere…and my friend Laura said…wasn’t it wonderful how much support she got here yesterday…I hadn’t thought of it in that light…and she’s right…there are no mistakes…hopefully…Susie did…or will read your loving responses to her…and she will be able to make changes in her life…
I do know that you have definitely helped me make the decision to take a stand regarding the situation that is bothering me…and I thank you…I apologize if this has been confusing…
Now…that has me thinking about the finer points of taking a stand…it’s more than just borrowing one of Bertha’s soapboxes…and…yelling loudly for the world to hear…from my experiences…that accomplishes very little…
It’s about choosing my battles carefully…I learned that when dealing with my once-husband…we got along much better and solved things more easily when we didn’t sweat the small stuff…
It’s about approaching lovingly…rather than in anger…focusing on the positives of the situation…on the presumed good intentions of all involved…
It’s about keeping my fists unclenched…so my ears can hear…and really listening to all sides of the situation…
It’s about taking responsibility…even though I didn’t cause the situation…I’m aware of it…it’s part of my life now…I am responsible for taking action…that’s part of the Forgiveness Prayer…
It’s about being willing to be part of the solution…and this is the hardest part for me…I really want to say…okay…this is the problem…I really don’t know how to solve it…but…somebody needs to call somebody…and ya’ll need to straighten it out…let me know when it’s finished…
It’s about talking with the people who can actually make a difference…instead of just standing on the soapbox…complaining to somebody and anybody that nobody is doing anything…
So…I’m taking a stand…I’m going to talk to the appropriate person…I’m not sure of the outcome…the situation may not change…but…I know without a doubt…that it won’t…if I don’t at least take a stand…
Jane

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Doughnuts or Scrapbooks…

Okay…today…we’re turning the tables…I need input…I need help…there’s an issue that I’m grappling with…that just isn’t setting right with me…and I’m going to disguise it…and it isn’t about me…regardless of yesterday’s cheesecake blog…
Here goes…Susie is a somewhat depressed…middle-aged house wife…she has found two things that make her feel better while she is doing them…eating…even though she feels guilty afterwards…and her husband wants her to lose weight…and she really does, too…and scrapbooking…
Seizing the opportunity to encourage her to curtail her eating and lose weight…Susie’s husband tells her that she will be allowed to scrapbook…only as long as she is following a reduced calorie eating plan…and is losing weight…he will be doing spot weight checks…if she has gained weight…on one of these checks…he will take her scrapbooking supplies away for a period of one month…during which time she should get her act together and follow her diet…of course…she can still watch others scrapbook…she just can’t participate…just to keep her motivated…
If she has not lost weight at the next weigh in…she will lose scrapbooking for a full year…during which time…she is expected to buckle down…follow that diet…and lose weight…or she will never be allowed to scrapbook again…
Okay…and I honestly want some input…what do you think about this kind of motivation…would it work for you…is the desire for something positive…scrapbooking…enough to prevent you from doing something negative…overeating
What other interventions might Susie’s husband try when she gains weight…let’s even change it a little bit…let’s give Susie a health condition that would improve greatly if she lost weight…
Let’s remember that Susie is depressed…she’s got some issues…she is using food and scrapbooking to feel better in the moment
Please…the more input…the better…you are welcome to email me…if you don’t want to post your comments here…I know…some of us are shy…
Thanks!
Jane

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Put Down the Fork…Step Away from the Cheesecake…

Admit it…Quit it…Forget it…Kate
Seems Bertha took the day off yesterday…I thought that meant I was getting the day off as well…but not to worry…she made sure I’d get a lesson…she’s thoughtful like that…geez…
Anyway…unbeknownst to me…with Bertha away…Kate would play…she was subbing at work today…I hadn’t seen her in a while…so after hugs and niceties…I jokingly asked for advice…and she seriously gave it…I didn’t even have a problem in mind…or at least…I didn’t think I did…
Funny thing is…she picked up right where Bertha left off…not sure how that happened…not sure I want to know…
Anyway…she asked if I could do that…and I said that I didn’t think I would quit it…so I couldn’t forget it…but I would admit it…we laughed…still not talking about anything in particular…I went back to work…
But…as we know…she said that to me for a reason…something I still need to learn…so…I had to contemplate it…I seem to keep getting letting go messages from all directions…what did this one mean…
Eating immediately came to mind…my eating habits have changed…and not for the better…since my surgery earlier this year…and I really do want to get back to healthy eating habits…I just haven’t gotten there yet…
I can admit I overeat…but…I don’t seem to quit…and I certainly don’t forget…in fact…I’m still berating myself for that second bottle…the one I really didn’t need…but it was so good and warm that I kept crying until Mama gave it to me…when I was six-months old…
Okay…maybe not…but…you get the picture…I don’t forget my overindulgences…in fact…I bring them up to the point that I feel really crummy…and then…overeat to feel better…then fuss at myself again…hmmm…is there a pattern developing…
So it’s not the piece of cheesecake that makes me gain weight…it’s the remorse…guilt…shame…blame…that leads to a second…third…the whole darn thing…that honestly contributes to the bottom line
According to Kate’s advice…I’d admit that I ate the cheesecake…I’d quit at that point…then I’d forget…forgive…move on…back to the carrot sticks…no foul…no harm…just a few extra calories…hmmm…
I’m thinking that it’s worth a try…‘cause what I’ve been doing ain’t working…what’ve I got to lose…other than some guilt and a few pounds…okay…several pounds…okay…a ton of pounds…geez…you’re pickier than Bertha
And speaking of Bertha…she may be able to take a few more days off…as long as Kate’s around…
Jane

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Fist Full of Presents…

When hands are fists…ears don’t hearBertha
Now…I’m not sure about the medical validity of the statement…but it does bring to mind the only fight I’ve ever tried to break-up…and she’s right…my demands that they…stop it right now…only got me kicked in the leg…
Okay…so…note to self…don’t try to break-up fights…their ears don’t work…but their feet still do…just saying…
Bertha reminds me…that I don’t have to be fighting to make fists and close my ears…she says I do it when I’m angry…when I’m certain that I am right…when I’m self-righteous…when I blame…when I criticize…when I won’t let go…
I try to argue with her…an exercise in futility at its finest…I’m not that way…I’m working on it…I do the Forgiveness Prayer…I send thoughts of love…peace…and wellbeing…to my fellow man…
For once…it looked like she was going to let me win…she said…don’t sweat itlet’s go shopping…well…folks…it’s two weeks before Christmas…you know what the stores are like…
You got it…before the cash registered jingled three times…I had metaphorically become deaf…couldn’t hear a thing…
Okay…she proved her point…but…I don’t want to be that wayI am working on it…I will continue to say the Forgiveness Prayer…I will continue to send thoughts of love…peace…and wellbeing…to my fellow man…and even that woman that stole my parking place
But…just to be on the safe side…I think I’ll finish my shopping on line…
Jane

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I’ll Leave the Light on For You…

Today…Bertha has given me an assignment…she must be feeling a little teacherly…since we went to the school Christmas party Friday night…schmoozing with the teachers and all…but I digress…and…wait…who am I kidding…she got teacherly with me…long before I started working at a school…geez…
Anyway…today’s assignment is to write about letting go…trusting…and setting boundaries…and it sounds easy…but…I’m finding it a bit challenging…probably the three most difficult areas of my life…do I really want to talk about them…
Not really…it’s vulnerable…it’s peeling the artichoke…it will get hairy before I get to the heart of it…and when I’m there…do I really want to share…not so sure…couldn’t I just go to the store and buy an artichoke…
Bertha calls class to attention…1…2…3…eyes on me…in her most kindergarten teacherly voice…time to start…
Funny…since I’ve started this blog this morning…I’ve had a few phone calls…and each conversation has led to letting go in some way or another…so…I know this is what I need to talk about…here goes…
Letting go…there’s a finesse to letting go…I’m getting better at it…okay there was that pair of worn out sandals that I held on to for two years after they were no longer wearable…well…they might develop a cure for flip flop blow-out one day…and they were my favorite…and it’s not like I was trying to wear them or anything…I just looked at them from time to time…with fond memories…
If your room suddenly got brighter…it was my light bulb turning on…
Trusting…challenging at best…how do you trust someone who has seemingly led you down the primrose path…where you are gobbled up by a monster…at least one time too many…and…in case there’s any doubt…I’m talking about me…
But…you know…that’s exactly why I can trust myself…every time I took that path…got gobbled up by the monster…even though my gut was saying…RUN…I proved my instincts were good…they were right…I can trust them…if I hadn’t taken the path…I’d never have known if there was a gobbling monster or not…
Oh…the light is getting brighter…
Setting Boundaries…I wrote about this in Bertha-Size Your Life…cute little story about Bertha in a Mardi Gras gown…sweeping the kitchen floor…because the dirt was over her limit…
But…in reality…this has been the most challenging for me…it feels cold and lonely…like one of those chain link fences with the barbed wire on top…like search lights and border patrols…and blood hounds in the swamp…
Bertha laughs…says it’s much softer than all that…
She says that it’s just living my truth…that every time…I’m honest with myself…and others…about who I am…that I’ve set a boundary…she says that boundaries aren’t walls to keep me in or others out…boundaries…are just being who I am…
Well…what can I say…the room is fully lit now…and Bertha was right…this was what I needed to write…I just hope she gets out of teacherly mode now…I just saw her go by with a paddle…and it wasn’t for a canoe…if you know what I mean…
Jane

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Mistletoe Kisses…

Today’s blog has been hijacked…by a silly…sappy Christmas story I wrote a few years ago…hey…don’t laugh…I think Hallmark will be calling me for the movie rights…right after I get off the phone with Oprah…
Mistletoe Kisses
“Nunh nuh…I ain’t gonna do it…you do it!”
“I double dog dare you!” Carl snarled back.
“Awww…why did you have to go and double dog me? Now I gotta…it’s the code…”
Rod got closer and reluctantly tapped Jill on the shoulder…turning around…her face was directly in his…making the dreaded double dog dared mistletoe kiss a moot point. It happened in spite of him. Maybe it was meant to be…but 12 year-old Rod wasn’t thinking so deeply…he was making a hasty retreat as kids and grown-ups alike were rolling with laughter and 15 year-old Jill stood there with her recently kissed mouth standing wide open.
The year was 1965 and Rod and Jill had just exchanged what would become their annual mistletoe kiss…every year…same time…same place…Christmas Eve at the neighborhood party.
Truth be known…very quickly Rod didn’t need a double dare to kiss Jill…but he egged one on…just to save face. Jill on the other hand…thought very little about Rod…whether he was stealing a kiss or not…he was just a kid, after all.
Years quickly passed and Jill was away at college…but came home every year for the holidays…that mistletoe kiss was now a joke between them. Soon enough Rod left home as well…but he always made it home by Christmas Eve.
Rod’s wife didn’t complain too much when he sought a pregnant Jill out for a holiday smooch…it was tradition after all.
And so the tradition continued through thick and thin…until that year in 2007…Jill came home to spend her first widowed holiday with her parents…not exactly what she had planned…in fact…when the time came…she couldn’t force herself to attend the festivities and insisted that her parents leave her to her own memories…no point ruining everyone’s evening.
Sitting in front of a simmering fire…Jill was startled by the doorbell…who could that be…everyone was at the neighborhood party…everyone except…Rod.
Sitting before the fire…Jill suddenly poured her heart out to Rod…everything she’d been holding back since her husband’s illness and death six months ago came tumbling out.
Rod reached over and pulled her to him…wiping her tears and holding her close…
Finding her composure…Jill softly asked, “Won’t your wife be wondering where you’ve gotten to?”
“Naw…she gave that up when she left me last year…right after the holidays…”
Their eyes met…he pulled her chin toward his…and did what he’d longed to do for years…their first kiss without mistletoe.
Jane

Friday, December 9, 2011

Got Garbage…Never Mind…I’ll Figure It Out…

Garbage day…it’s the best day of the week…I mean…really…I’ve got this huge brown can…provided by the city…free…and I get to put all the stuff that I don’t want…that’s broken…used up…left over…trashed…in it…and roll it down to the curb…then someone just comes along and picks it all up and takes it away…
They don’t even make any comments…like…are you sure you wanna throw this away…or…there might still be a little shampoo in the bottom of this bottle…or…I can’t believe how wasteful you are…you should have eaten these potatoes before they became seeing-eye spuds
No…they just take away whatever I leave for them…no judgments…no questions asked…
So think about it…what if I could do that in other areas of my life…what if I could shake my head over the garbage can…and all those thoughts that don’t serve me…would tumble out and jump on the truck…
What if a truck would come along and clean up those relationships that need to be kicked to the curb…now…wouldn’t that be nice…no leave your sweater and take my cat…just send in a big truck…and it’s all cleaned up…
Literally…take this job and shove it…in the can…the truck’ll take it away…
Kids acting up…quick…get them in the can…I hear the truck down the street…hmmm…I think there’s room for the entire third grade in there…
Surely I jest…that’s a bit flip…even for me…but…I do admit…there are times when I wish it were so easy…
Then…Bertha…reminds me…that no sooner do I get the big can down to the street…than I am putting something else in the kitchen trash…and by the time the truck gets here…my household can is often overflowing…
She says it’s the same way with life…there’s always something to clean up…little irritations…frustrations…it’s ongoing…
Tossing an empty tissue box…into my no longer empty garbage can…I know she’s right…well…we knew she was gonna be…hello…we are talking about Bertha…
And...even though I whine…quite honestly…I don’t think life would be very interesting…or fun…if I could dump everything…every one…as easily as yesterday’s newspaper…
Figuring it out…making it work…that’s what gives life it’s spark…so…while I am eternally grateful for the garbage truck taking away my household trash…I’m glad they leave the other stuff for me to figure out…well…most of it anyway…but…if you see me headed in your direction…pushing a big brown can…you might want to run the other way…
Jane

Thursday, December 8, 2011

This Day in History…Thirty-One Years Ago…

Thirty-one years ago today…I finished my Christmas shopping early…I think…no…I know…it’s the last time that has happened…and there’s no way it’s happening this year…unless…I just don’t get anything for anybody…hmmm…
Thirty-one years ago today…my once-husband was making a stable for our Nativity Set…he didn’t get finished…
Thirty-one years ago today…I washed my hair and shaved my legs…and had a contraction getting out of the tub…
Thirty-one years ago today…Adam got his sight back on Little House on the Prairie…I’d looked forward to the show for weeks…I missed it…
Thirty-one years ago today…at age 18 months…my oldest daughter spent the night with her paternal grandmother for the first…and probably only time…
Thirty-one years ago today…John Lennon was killed…by Mark David Chapman…at almost the exact moment that…drumroll please…
Thirty-one years ago today…I gave birth…to my youngest beautiful baby girl…45 minutes after arriving at the hospital…on her due date...no less...
While…I’m not a proponent of living in the past…there are certain days that make me nostalgic…my daughters’ birthdays are tops on that list…
Funny…I used to be sad on their birthdays because I was disappointed that I hadn’t given them…the American Dream life that I had planned…surprisingly…it was my oldest daughter…not Bertha…who explained to me…that that was my dream for them…and that although things could have been different…they weren’t…but…they were loved…and well cared for…and grew up just fine…
Honestly…I think that child has a Bertha of her own…she’s pretty wise…hey...they both are...what can I say...
So...I’m no longer sad on their birthdays…I cherish the memories…each and every one of them…I even remember what the baby was wearing when she was born…
Oh…and she now has the Nativity Set…it only seemed appropriate…
Jane

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now…The Leaves Are Gone…

I love trees…I always have…there’s just something about them…
Traditionally…I’ve been a Spring and Fall girl…loving the leaves when they are tiny green shoots…and again…when they are in all of their colored glory…
One of my favorite neighborhood trees.
But…lately…I’ve been appreciating the trees themselves…winter trees…without their finery…
When I focus on the tree…on the shape…on the bark…on its innate beauty…on its foibles…undistracted by the leaves…it’s a totally different experience…
Bertha tells me that’s how I’ve been with people…my focus has been on their leaves…their clothes…their jobs…their families…their circumstances…that I haven’t seen who they truly are…she says that’s why…I felt that I had little in common with them…like I didn’t really fit in…
But…now...looking beyond the leaves…to the trunks…and the bark…I am learning…I’m not unique…I’m not the only one with insecurities…who wants to be loved…to be heard…to be known…to be understood…
Unlike a tree…it’s easy for me to hide my shape…my bark…my innate beauty…my foibles…nature doesn’t strip me of my leaves for four months out of every year…
Exposing myself as I truly am…is a daily choice…part of living my truth…
There is something quiet and restful about a tree without leaves…something unpretentious…proud…strong…patient…honest…all the things I strive to be…
Jane

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Got Some Rest Last Evening…

I got some rest last evening…
And you would be surprised…
I went to bed so early…
It was barely dark outside…
But my body was so cranky…
And my head…it did so ache…
I needed rest in comfort and joy…
Comfort and joy…
I needed rest in comfort and joy…

The dishes were left dirty…
And the blog was left unwrit…
There was enough left undone…
To give my inner critic fits…
Bertha hit it on its nasty little head…
And I just went to bed…
Where I rested in comfort and joy…
Comfort and joy…
Where I rested in comfort and joy…

I woke up this morning…
With a smile upon my face…
I slept so well and long…
I am ready to run a race…
The dishes are almost finished…
And I think my writing’s done…
I’m so glad I rested in comfort and joy…
Comfort and joy…
I’m so glad I rested in comfort and joy…

Okay…maybe I won’t get an award for best songwriter…but…I’m very proud that I listened to my body…and gave it the rest it was screaming for…I’ve spent too many years ignoring it’s quiet voice…until it became the loud voice of illness…and besides…I woke up creative…who could ask for more…well…Bertha wants some new high-heels…she claims she scuffed one hitting the inner critic on the head…geez…
Jane

Monday, December 5, 2011

Super Blogger...Strikes Again...

By day…she is an humble School Nurse…by night and early morning…Super Blogger…exploring unknown worlds…armed only with words…letters and punctuation…she is skilled in the use of a semicolon…hyperboles are no match for her…she scales the highest similes like a cat with a climbing gear…
And yet…she can’t come up with a thing to say…funny how that happens…some days it’s easy…the words almost type themselves…and others…well…they just don’t flow at all…
Honestly…my writing often takes its own turn…I start out in one direction…and suddenly…I’m in a totally different place than I had intended…but usually one that is much better…
Bertha says…that’s how it goes in life…I have a direction all plotted…I think it is where I want to go…and something comes along and gets me off course…I whine…I complain…I stomp my feet…and then suddenly…find myself in a unfamiliar place…one I never even imagined…but then I realize…it is exactly where I need to be…
I guess that’s what she’s been trying to tell me this afternoon…as I sat at the keyboard…typing around in circles…type…highlight…delete…type…highlight…delete…not getting anything meaningful on the page…I’m trying too hard…I’m forcing it…when all I had to do…was let it flow…quit trying to make it do what I thought it had to do…
Hmmm…sounds like contemplation chair time…contemplation image…thoughts…like leaves…fluttering in the wind…landing where they will
Jane

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dead Women Don’t Wear Girdles…

I came up with this title…and I love it…I just can’t figure out quite what to do with it…it might help if I’d seen the movie that gave me the inspiration…but…I didn’t…
So…I’m on my own…I keep getting ideas…but they seem morbid…and perhaps insensitive…although…that would never be my intent…I’ll tread lightly…
Okay…since there are no accidents…this popped into my head for a reason…something I need to learn…something I need to say…or…I’ve finally lost that one lone marble that’s been rolling around in my head all these years…
I’m gonna go with something I need to learn…which means it will also get said…
Quit rolling your eyes…guess we know which one you think…geez…
I keep thinking…when I am a corpse…will I ask the undertaker…does this casket make me look fat…do you think you could squeeze me into a smaller size…maybe something in black
I know…that’s irreverent…I suppose the question I am asking myself…is…am I willing to go to the grave worrying about what other people think of me
And the answer is…I hope not
I hope I realize that my life is bigger and fuller than that…I hope that I appreciate who I am and what I do…I hope that I realize I am more than someone else’s opinion of me…more than my size…more than my wardrobe…more than my relationships…more than my job…and even more than my writing…I hope I realize that I am all of that...and more...
I hope that I will not squeeze into a symbolic girdle even one day…ever again…
And that when I do get to that undertaker…I will only ask…do you know what an awesome life I had…it was full…it was fun…you may need a bigger casket to fit it all in...maybe something in lime green and flamingo pink
Jane