I Am…All That…

I’m tired…I probably say that phrase…at least…ten times a day…maybe more…and…I usually…sigh…as I say it…I suppose…just to prove the truth of my words…

I hadn’t paid much attention to it…until a friend…remarked…you’re always tired…hmmm…busted…

Now…you know that conversation…led to a tête-à-tête with…Bertha…who pointed out…something that I have known for a while…but…tend to forget…

And…that’s the power…of the words…I Am…

I Am…is creative…and…brings the words that follow…into being…so…when…I say…I’m tired…I’ve created more tired…at least ten times a day…

So…I think about my self-talk…and…all the negative…I Am…statements that I make in a day…it ain’t a pretty list…the words…broke…fat…lazy…ugly…tired…exhausted…quickly come to mind…and…I consider myself to be a pretty positive person…

I think I’ll spend some time…in…the contemplation chair…about this…do the Forgiveness Prayer…think about how to rephrase…my self-talk…but…for now…it’s been a full day…I think I’ll rest…

So…if…next time we’re chatting… those illustrious words…I am tired…or any other negative…I Am…statement…escapes my lips…feel free to slap me…to get my attention…okay…not really...get out of that line…that was a joke…geez…

Jane

Bloggless in Alabama…

My post yesterday…on…Fear of Missing Out…brought up a fun blast from the past…with some of my friends…party lines…now…for those of you…who are too young…or…who were blessed with private lines in your area…let me explain…party lines…were sort of like our current extension phones…they were just in your neighbor’s house…usually about eight of them…

So…while…many of us…only had one phone our house…no danger of mom or dad…listening in…our neighbors…could…and…did…eavesdrop at will…often recounting every little juicy detail of our adolescent tête-à-têtes…at where else…the beauty shop…of course…

Now…I will say…I was fortunate…by the time I was into adolescent soul bearing…we had moved to an area with private lines…not so…for some of my friends who were in more rural areas of the county…

But…even without the party line…somehow…my mother always seemed to find out…exactly what I’d been up to…at her weekly beauty shop appointments…

I’m convinced…that she would go in and say…give me a quick shampoo and a set…and tell me…what Jane has been up to…her stiffly teased updo…a mere disguise…for keeping tabs on me…

All of this being said…because…I’m taking a bit of a vacation…it’s Spring Break…so…I’m taking the week off from writing…and…even though…I have lots of fun things planned…I’m a bit…afraid of missing out…I’ve not gone that long without blogging in a while…what will happen to my blog…if I’m not here…

Well…duh…nothing…that was Bertha’s answer…and…I know it’s true…and that’s what scares me…I’ll miss the feedback…I’ll miss the connection…I’ll miss the place in my life that my blog fills…

So…it’s a conscious decision…release the connection…release the feedback…allow other things to fill my life…breathe it in…relax…enjoy the other things life has to offer…but…it’s still unsettling…it’s still difficult…to give up…even for a few days…something that is part of my identity…even if…the break…will only make it better…

I’ll spend some time contemplating that…feeling…that fear…allowing it to evolve…doing the Forgiveness Prayer…for those parts of me where I feel afraid…

I feel better…already…

Besides…Bertha…says…not to worry…I can always go to the beauty shop…if I need to catch up…thankfully…some things…never change…

Jane

Paradox Found…

Somehow…there’s something fundamentally wrong…with eating a candy bar…while reading a continuing education article about weight loss surgery…and…yet…I did…

Funny thing is…before that…I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a candy bar…of course…Bertha…nudged me…it hadn’t been that long…okay…I admit it…geez…it hadn’t…but…before that one…really…it had been a while…but I digress…

So…why…I wondered…how…did I find myself…reading about weight loss…and eating a candy bar…at the same time…it just didn’t make sense…even though…I wasn’t considering having the surgery…I was definitely thinking about the pounds I needed to lose…when the urge for chocolate suddenly overwhelmed me…I had a dollar…and there was a Snickers bar…just down the hall…I didn’t resist…

Kind of like…eating a large pizza…while watching…The Biggest Loser…well…I might have done that…but…honestly…I never did…at least…not the whole thing…maybe just a couple of slices…geez…

Bertha…tells me…it’s called…denial…and…that’s not…a river in Egypt…but…it’s just as full of crocodiles…snapping away at my happiness…by keeping me from living the fullness…of living my truth…

Hmmm...what can I say…she’s right…I have been known to bury my head in the sand…on more than one occasion…and…the sand in my ears…is really irritating…I might add…

So…how…do I fess up…look life straight in the eye…she says…start with the Forgiveness Prayer…start with…I love you…I’m sorry…Please forgive me…Thank you…directed to my spirit…she says…to always start with love…because…love is the truth of who I am…and that’s what it’s all about…

Jane

I have found the paradox…that if you love until it hurts…there can be no more hurt…only more love…  ~  Mother Teresa

Forget Me…Yes…

Funny thing about the past…when I’m aware of it…it’s really not the past…it’s the present…or…it might as well be…because…it affects who I am in the moment…at least…that’s what…you-know-who says…yeah…Bertha…

She sent me subtle messages yesterday…emails…from random sources…is the past holding you back…letting go of the past…and another one…that I can’t remember…but…same gist…

So…I knew…that was the topic…for contemplation…for exploration…for blogation…yes…I know that isn’t a word…but…I wanted it to end in ‘tion’…so…I made it up…sue me…no…not really…can’t you take a joke…geez…

I’ve talked about it before…Swallowing Lye…but…I must need to talk about it again…hence…all the messages…

Memories…they assault me…coming from out of seemingly nowhere…triggered by a smell…a song…a sound…another thought…they take over…invading my space…my mind…

Not all memories are equal…memories…of first the first time I held my daughters in my arms…of caring for them as babies…watching them grow…first days of school…little milestones…

These make me happy…make me feel warm and tingly inside…they help me go forward…

I have so many other good memories…the ones that I should keep in a silver box…and pull out…when days seem blue…the ones that would cheer me up…make me smile…

And…then…there are…those…memories…the ones that hold me back…the ones that hurt…the ones that chip away at my self-confidence…like the Dental hygienist…cleaning my teeth…and…just as annoying…

How…do I eradicate them…how do I lay them to rest…

Those stubborn memories…I’ve tried soaking them out…I’ve tried scrubbing them out…and…I’m still stuck with…memory around the collar…

Actually…I’m making progress…when they come up…and…they do…I think…I send you…love…peace…happiness…and…I send it back to me…over and over again…until the discomfort eases…

At first…it was difficult…to bless someone…who had hurt me in some way…but…ultimately…I realize…that is what I wish for others…and it’s definitely what I wish for myself…that’s why I send the blessing in both directions…

The other thing I do…The Forgiveness Prayer…and it’s all to me…it’s to that part of me that is hurting…that is angry…sad…scared…lonely…whatever…and…it is simply…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…again…over and over…until the discomfort eases…

These two techniques…help me tremendously…do I always remember to do them…no…do I sometimes…ruminate my painful memories…yes…of course I do…but…with Bertha’s reminders…I’m getting better…

Interestingly…I don’t really forget these memories…unlike Algebra…and…some grammar skills…they seem to be stuck in my brain…it’s just that they aren’t painful anymore…they just become memories…

And…I can handle that…

Jane

Imperturbability…

I don’t deserve this award…but…I have arthritis…and I don’t deserve that either…

Jack Benny

Sometimes…I whine…I know…it’s hard to believe…hey…you…that’s right…you sitting at the computer…quit rolling your eyes…they could get stuck like that…didn’t your Mama teach you anything…geez…now…you’ve broken my train of thought…

Let’s try again…sometimes I whine…I don’t like what is happening in my life…it’s like my life’s inbox has been spammed…you know…bombarded with crap I didn’t sign-up for…that I’m not certain where it came from…can’t return it…can’t even find the culprits to report them…

It’s easy…with email…and life…to sit around…and say…it ain’t my fault…I was minding my own business…when…spam…bam…thank you ma’am…I’m in the middle of something…that I definitely didn’t ask for…

Of course…I have filters for my inbox…the equivalent of email police…taking unruly…unsolicited…correspondence…to…email jail…where…I get to play judge and jury…undisputed authority…with a click of my mouse…I can delete them forever…

Life…not so much…

Where are my life filters when I need them…geez…

Bertha…rolls her eyes…see…now…you’ve her doing it…okay…we know she started it…and says…they are right where they’ve always been…I’m just not using them…

Huh…

That’s right…she says…the practices I’ve developed over the years…contemplation…the Forgiveness Prayer…prayer…reading good books…writing…exercise…all these things are my…life filters…it’s just that…sometimes…things are going well…or…I get busy…or bored…or something…and I quit using them…

Then…it’s just like turning off my computer filters…I’m inundated…with crap…

Hmmm…but…what about when I’m using my filters…I really am minding my own business…and something sneaks in anyway…

Bertha…assures me…there will always be…a promise of depositing money in my account…if only…I send them my banking information…that makes it to the inbox…no filter can screen out everything…I will never be totally imperturbable…that’s part of what makes life interesting…

That…and…getting to use phrases like…spam…bam…thank you ma’am…I just love writing…

Today’s a good day…but…think I’ll…spend some time in the contemplation chair…and go exercise…no point in letting my filters down…

Jane

On Bertha’s Soapbox…

It’s January…I’m already tired of the political races…and they haven’t really started…there will be many…days…weeks…months…to come…filled with bickering…name calling…and mudslinging…

Bertha says…look on the bright side…

I say…that is the bright side…it may be much worse…

Social media…AKA…Facebook…has added a whole new dimension to politics…now the supporters of the opposing candidates…can square off…in print…for the world to see…and add their two cents worth…it ain’t pretty…it’s actually depressing…

And yet…to play off the old commercial…I can’t believe I read the whole thing…but…as frustrating as it was…I did…I read every word…of a very long…very heated debate…with some valid…and ridiculous…points made for both sides…and some that I don’t think really cared one way or the other…they just enjoyed stirring the pot…

I didn’t post…

Mama taught me a long time ago…there just some things a lady doesn’t put on Facebook…she was very farsighted…for the day…and that’s politics…religion…football…and your love life…

I try to remember that…

I try to remember that there is no perfect candidate…for the most part…they all have some good points…and some not so good points…they mostly have good intentions when they make their promises…but most of them can’t be kept…in the end…I’ll have my favorite…I’ll vote…but…I’ll work with whomever is elected…

I try to remember that other’s religious beliefs aren’t mine to judge…and hope they feel the same about mine…

I try to remember that there are crazy fans for all football teams…but…there are also lots and lots of wonderful people who just happen to get really excited about a particular team…good for them…I respect their passion…I respect their right to choose…I hope they respect my right to be rather indifferent…although…I do have a preference…

I try to remember…hmmm…what was it like to have a love life…hmmm…nothing comes to mind…geez…

I’m stepping off Bertha’s soapbox now…she’s herding me to the contemplation chair…seems I’ve gotten a bit riled up…and I need to spend some time with the forgiveness prayer…

Anything to get me off of her soapbox…

Jane

Janerella…

Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…

I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…

Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball...this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…

I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…

I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl…

We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…

I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…

I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…

Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…

Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not…

There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…

I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…

And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…

But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…

Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…

Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…

What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it…

Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…

That’s right…I’ve done my share…

Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…

Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…

And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…

Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there…

But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth...

And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…

Jane

Rules…the Things that Dreams Are Made Of…

Sometimes we need a different set of rules…for good day and bad days

These words were going through my head when I woke up this morning…not sure exactly what I was dreaming about…but…it feels like I was talking to a child…giving advice…

So…I’ve been thinking about what these words mean…what they are trying to say to me…and to be honest…I’m not completely certain…we’ll see what transpires as I write…not much time for editing…so here we go…

My first thought is those days that I get up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed…you know those mornings when everything seems to be going wrong…I wake up late…can’t decide what to wear…forgot to set the coffee pot the night before…get stuck in traffic…or at the train tracks…what if…on those mornings…I made new rules…different rules…what if for starters…I didn’t worry about being late for work…

Now...hear me out…before you call my principal and tell him to start checking my arrival times…read what I said again…what if I didn’t worry about being late for work…that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do everything in my power to get there on time…it just means I’m not going to fret about it…

I like that rule change…in fact…I like it so much…I want to use it every day…not just on bad ones…hmmm…

The next example of a bad day that comes to me…involves a disagreement with a friend…family member…co-worker…you know the kind that just keeps playing over and over again in your head…like reruns of a bad movie…what if I changed the rule…and changed channels…

What if I said the Forgiveness Prayer…until I felt better about myself…and better about them…what if I said it until I felt peace and forgiveness…

Hmmm…I like that rule change a lot…it feels calming…in fact…think I want to use it every day as well…

The next bad day that comes to mind is frustration…the day that words won’t come…that my to-do list rivals Santa’s delivery list…when the cake I need in 45 minutes…takes an hour to bake…what if I change the rule and go in a different direction…

What if I leave the computer…and do something fun…until the words return…they always come back…and they usually tumble out quickly when they do…what if I threw my to-do list in the trash…and asked my heart what I needed to accomplish for the day…what if I changed directions with the cake…what if I switched to cupcakes…or bought one…or just let it go…

Well…I hate to admit it…but I like that rule change as well…I think it’s a keeper…hmmm…

Well…I’m still not sure what the dream reference was all about…but…I’m beginning to see the fallacy of it…maybe it has no more significance than those dreams where I show up to Church in my nightgown…or worse…without it…but…I digress…

Maybe I just need new rules…rules that are softer…more gentle…rules that work with me…not against me…rules that don’t beat me up…

Or…better yet…maybe I don’t need any rules at all…maybe each day…each moment…should determine what I actions I take…maybe I don’t have to figure them out ahead of time…and set them in stone…and always adhere to them…

Definitely something to think about…

Jane

Iron Ore, Frankincense, and Myrrh…

I think I’m going through the change…no…not hot flashes and super sensitive crying spells…although…I am of an age…but…we won’t talk about that here…just turn off the heat and open a window…before you hurt my feelings…okay…the truth…I’m past that age…are you happy now…geez…you are so picky…

But…I’m still going through…if not…the change…at least…a change…the change I’m experiencing isn’t hormonal…it’s actually alchemical…magical…

Now…don’t get too excited…I haven’t found the long sought after philosopher’s stone…I’m not changing iron ore into gold…at least not in the strictest sense of the word…although…hmmm…I could use a couple of large gold nuggets with holiday shopping and all…but I digress…

Okay…let me explain…before even I get confused…I’m talking about the transformation of my heart…now…it’s not completely there yet…but…there is a golden vein that has developed…I’m not sure just exactly when it got there…

It happened gradually…over the last few months…one tiny speck of gold dust at a time…every time I lived my truth…I added a speck…every time I’ve been open with my feelings…every time I’ve trusted my heart…every time I’ve peeled the artichoke…another speck…every Forgiveness Prayer I’ve said…every blog I’ve written…were showers of gold dust…until…suddenly…just yesterday…I found it…the mother lode…pay dirt…stake-a-claim worthy…golden vein…

It didn’t happen with fireworks or fanfare…it was quieter…just a warm feeling…a knowing…that…I am the person I’ve been writing about…that I am the person I want to be…

So…maybe…I have found the proverbial philosopher’s stone…maybe…I am truly turning iron ore into gold…and even though it’s not the kind of gold that will pay for all those Christmas gifts I would like to buy…I think it’s better…

In fact…I know it’s better…because…transforming my heart…one sparkle of gold dust at a time is magical…it is what is going to allow me to truly experience the beauty of the Christmas season…and to appreciate the beauty of who I am…

So the gift that I offer to the world this year is not store bought…it’s home grown…it’s magic…it’s me…

And…BTW…no exchanges…no refunds…no regifting…just saying…

Jane

A Fist Full of Presents…

When hands are fists…ears don’t hear…Bertha

Now…I’m not sure about the medical validity of the statement…but it does bring to mind the only fight I’ve ever tried to break-up…and she’s right…my demands that they…stop it right now…only got me kicked in the leg…

Okay…so…note to self…don’t try to break-up fights…their ears don’t work…but their feet still do…just saying…

Bertha reminds me…that I don’t have to be fighting to make fists and close my ears…she says I do it when I’m angry…when I’m certain that I am right…when I’m self-righteous…when I blame…when I criticize…when I won’t let go…

I try to argue with her…an exercise in futility at its finest…I’m not that way…I’m working on it…I do the Forgiveness Prayer…I send thoughts of love…peace…and wellbeing…to my fellow man…

For once…it looked like she was going to let me win…she said…don’t sweat it…let’s go shopping…well…folks…it’s two weeks before Christmas…you know what the stores are like…

You got it…before the cash registered jingled three times…I had metaphorically become deaf…couldn’t hear a thing…

Okay…she proved her point…but…I don’t want to be that way…I am working on it…I will continue to say the Forgiveness Prayer…I will continue to send thoughts of love…peace…and wellbeing…to my fellow man…and even that woman that stole my parking place…

But…just to be on the safe side…I think I’ll finish my shopping on line…

Jane

Swallowing Lye...

If it burns going down…it burns coming back up…I’ll never forget those words I was told as a young nurse…caring for a child who had swallowed lye...well-meaning parents had made the child vomit…which had doubled the damage...

Those words have stuck with me for over 30 years…could be because Bertha keeps whispering them to me…reminding me that…sometimes…things hurt just as much…if not more…coming back up…as they did going down…

According to Bertha…memories of painful events…can be just as caustic as the most powerful poison…

She says if an event was painful when it happened…it’s just as painful…causes just as much damage…every time you bring it back up and share it…even if it’s only to remember it…

That’s why it’s important to know the proper antidote…for swallowing lye…it’s usually drinking milk…for painful life events…it’s usually forgiveness…

I wish it were something easier…for the memories…that is…I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when someone hurts my feelings…I want to tell the world…justify my feelings…prove I was right…they were wrong…

I find it even harder to turn off my brain…I’m like a cow chewing her cud…I keep bringing it up time and time again…

But…she’s right…every time I bring that slight back up…I feel like crap all over again…and if I’m sharing it with another…they don’t feel so good either…

Sometimes…I’m just not ready to forgive…I’m really angry…I’m really hurt…I want to smolder…but…I’m only harming myself…the longer I hold on to the pain…the more damage is done…

That’s when she reminds me of the forgiveness prayer…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…said to my spirit…not to the other person…

It’s all about forgiving inside of me first…it’s all about loving me…the resulting feeling of love can then flow to the other person…or not…forgiveness really isn’t about healing them…it’s about healing me…

I wish I could say I am really good at this…that I never bring up old pain…but…I do…to myself…and others…just not so much as I once did…so…I am getting better at forgiving and letting go…

Honestly in the scheme of things…forgiveness is easier for me than drinking milk…just saying…

Jane