Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Born to Be Write…

Sometimes…read that 24/7…I get a little goofy in my thought process…I’m not sure exactly where this came from…but…I think it was from a comment I read…I was a born writer…and I thought…not me…I was born illiterate…and the rest…they say…is definitely a spoof…
Born to Be Write…
Unlike some…I wasn’t born a writer…it went something like this…
My God…she’s illiterate…I can almost feel my mother’s disappointment as she heard those words shortly after my birth…she can’t read a word…she can’t even make her letters…stupid baby
And…things didn’t change anytime soon…
Frustrating months followed…despite the best efforts of all concerned…my reading skills did not begin to develop until I was probably four years old…even then…it was just a few words…here and there…I could write my name…but…that was about it…
Although…I know it was difficult…the decision was made…shortly after my sixth birthday…I would be placed in an institution for the functionally illiterate…AKA…first grade
For the next twelve years…I endured test upon test…and received appropriate interventions based on the results…exercises in spelling and grammar…were given to build up my vocabulary and make sense of my thoughts…
I made progress…and was soon to be released…but…I still had the occasional misplaced modifier…and dangling participle…I wasn’t ready to go it alone…my parents found another institution…college
The tests were more difficult…the interventions more strenuous…after checking in and out of several institutions…looking for the one best suited to my needs…I finally settled in…and treatment began in earnest…
They gave me the best…teachers and textbooks…but…despite their interventions…I still suffer from the heartbreak of grammar faux pas…from time to time…
And…yet…I write…daily…
Jane
Note…I am currently undergoing comma therapy with a professional editor…and rely heavily on massive dosages of grammar and spell check…just to make it through the page

Monday, January 30, 2012

Her Voice Was Changing…

Everything I…or anyone else for that matter…write has a voice…I hear it very distinctly as I read the page…I know the voice I like to write in…it has a soothing melody…a bit like rolling ocean waves…a friend of mine who sees life in colors…sees turquoise and lavender when reading those pages…
I like that image…I like that someone can see my voice as a color…and it’s very cool…that my favorite voice takes on my favorite colors…
To write in that voice…I have to be in a certain mood…a certain place in my life…confident…sure…true…and then it just flows…and I love it…I love writing…I love living…
I haven’t been there lately…I’ve been out of sorts…and my writing has reflected it…even though I tried…I tried really hard…to give it the same voice…it came out with a twang…a bit nasally…like singing with a cold…
Why am I out of sorts…nothing dramatic…it’s just as easy for me to get out of sorts when things are going well…than when they aren’t…sometimes it’s actually easier…I’m not always sure how to handle the good times…strangely…they can be frightening…
I found myself engaging in other people’s drama…seeking it out…at least that's what Bertha said…explaining that I wasn’t comfortable with my life at the moment…I was seeking distraction…instead of letting my life evolve as it was meant to…
So…I’ve struggled with my writing…trying from my place of frustration…to get my voice to sound like I wanted it to…
Bertha…gently…and when I say gently…I mean she hit me over the head with a skillet…explained that rather than trying to force my voice…it would be so much easier to do the things that I know will help me back to the place where the turquoise and lavender voice flows…
Nothing gives me hope like Granny's Buttercups!
Time in the contemplation chair…this time sitting in the sunshine in Granny’s rocker…visiting Granny’s buttercups…picking a few…digging a few…I feel my voice changing…softening…thank you Granny…
Jane 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Granny’s Buttercups…

Granny Turner loved buttercups…well…I assume she did…she had lots of them…for as long as I can remember…there were two rows going between the pecan tree and the outbuilding we called the garage…then…there were clumps and clusters scattered around the yard…like rays of sunshine popping through clouds…
There was a heavy frost last night...love the ice crystals...
Like most of the old-fashioned buttercups in the south…Granny’s usually bloomed around the end of January…when there had been just enough warm days to wake them up…sometimes to find themselves dusted with snow a few days later…
Granny passed away late one Saturday night at the end of January…I’m trying to figure out the year…I think it was 1992…the year really doesn’t matter…but it frustrates me that I could forget it…and…even the exact date…
What I do remember…is that her buttercups were blooming…
I remember calling the florist at home on Sunday morning…to make my special request…then going back to her house…in the rain…picking huge armfuls…to be used in her flower arrangements…
I like to think that she smiled…when she saw the arrangements…I know the family did…it was comforting and somehow fitting to celebrate her life with her own buttercups…
Some twenty years have passed…Granny’s house is gone…the property stands empty…long since sold…
Some years…it has been mowed…and the buttercups are easily visible…and pickable…I still have to have a bouquet
This isn’t one of those years…this year…the pecan tree has fallen…and the rest of the yard has followed it into disrepair…tall grass and broken limbs would make it difficult to even see the once stately rows of buttercups…much less…pick a few…
Buttercups...in all that brush!
But…these are Granny’s buttercups…they evidently have her determined spirit…AKA…stubborn…and can be seen peeking their stately yellow heads through the debris…for all the world to see…and as a sign for me…
Even when things look bleak…even when there seems to be no way…there will still be buttercups…and they will still find a way to bloom…
Jane

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Poetry in Motion…

Sometimes…just occasionally…not so often…I write poetry…I haven’t been in much of a writing mood today…so I dug this up for you…
Goodbye…
You will move on…
I will move on…
We will move…
In opposite directions…
At the same time…
Together…
But not quite…
Exactly…
        Jane

Friday, January 27, 2012

If You Give a Computer a Cookie…

Evidently…some things are unforgivable…or maybe it’s unforgettable…I’m not certain…all I know is it appears I will forever live with the consequences of…a moment’s poor judgment…AKA…The Cowsills…Hair…set as my jango.com default radio station…
I’m not sure what I was thinking…it’s been a couple of years since I found jango…just playing around…creating Hair…as my first station…
Turning on my work computer every morning to the sound of…She asked me why…I’m just a hairy guy…got old pretty quickly…
Now that I think about it…I didn’t love it that much when it was released in the sixties…either…geez…
Not a problem…I’d delete the station…there’s a button for that…I clicked it…it said it was gone…Norah Jones was my new default…smooth, bluesy jazz…nice way to start and end the day…
Until morning…when…it was Hair…all over again…
I can’t tell you how many times I have deleted Hair…and how many times it has shown up…like a stray dog at the back porch…every morning…
I’ve pretty much resigned myself to that being the first work sound I hear every morning…but…I still try again every so often…the insanity thing you know…
So…why won’t it go away…don’t ask me why…cause he don’t know…well…really I have a pretty good idea…our system at work has some pretty strict rules…no cookies
Thankfully…it only applies to computers…not employees…next to pie…I like cookies just fine…
Beyond that…I don’t have a clue…and it makes no sense that it would take a cookie to delete a station…but…not to create one…so maybe I’m wrong…it doesn’t matter…I’m still starting out with an earful of Hair every morning…
Bertha says it’s a lot like some of my relationships…I don’t know what I was thinking…I was just playing around…I clicked delete…it won’t go away…the first thing I hear in the morning…geez…
Please…give it a cookie…make it go away…
Jane

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Baking Bertha…

As promised…I’ve started working on…Bertha…The Sequel…what I may have failed to mention…is that it was mostly written about five years ago…I just didn’t like it…
It took me a long time to understand why…the ingredients were all there…Bertha…the cat…lime green spandex…high-heels…well-worn soapbox…Rita…me to learn lessons…they just weren’t in the right proportions…
Bertha is explaining it to me…as I type…actually…that writing…especially about her…is a lot like baking a cake…it’s not only what you put in…but…how much…that matters…
So…in looking back…the stories had the right amount of Bertha and the cat…but…too much of me…too much soapbox…too much lime green…who knew there could be too much…and honestly…not enough Rita…
While all of the proportions are important…it’s the Bertha to me ratio…that really threw things out of kilter…the equivalent of a cup of flour…to a cup of baking powder…you got it…’splosion…and a big mess in the oven…
So…I’m more writing than editing…which is fine…except…there are some descriptions I really love…so…I’ll have to figure out how to include them in the new recipe…
Here’s one of my favorites…                                   
I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. It was worse than a commercial jingle that follows you around all day long. It was worse than the little hairs that get under your shirt at the beauty shop.
I’ll figure out how to use it…maybe…it’ll be a conflict between Bertha and Rita…hmmm…that just might work…see how helpful you are…and…no…you will not receive royalties for the idea…okay…I’ll mention you in the credits…geez…you can be more demanding than the cat…
Who by the way says…if Bertha is flour…and I am baking soda…then it must be sugar…
Bertha laughed…now they are fighting…again…sometimes it’s hard to live with an imaginary friend…and an imaginary cat…just saying…
Jane

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

On Bertha’s Soapbox…

It’s January…I’m already tired of the political races…and they haven’t really started…there will be many…days…weeks…months…to come…filled with bickering…name calling…and mudslinging…
Bertha says…look on the bright side
I say…that is the bright side…it may be much worse
Social media…AKA…Facebook…has added a whole new dimension to politics…now the supporters of the opposing candidates…can square off…in print…for the world to see…and add their two cents worth…it ain’t pretty…it’s actually depressing…
And yet…to play off the old commercial…I can’t believe I read the whole thing…but…as frustrating as it was…I did…I read every word…of a very long…very heated debate…with some valid…and ridiculous…points made for both sides…and some that I don’t think really cared one way or the other…they just enjoyed stirring the pot…
I didn’t post…
Mama taught me a long time ago…there just some things a lady doesn’t put on Facebook…she was very farsighted…for the day…and that’s politics…religion…football…and your love life…
I try to remember that…
I try to remember that there is no perfect candidate…for the most part…they all have some good points…and some not so good points…they mostly have good intentions when they make their promises…but most of them can’t be kept…in the end…I’ll have my favorite…I’ll vote…but…I’ll work with whomever is elected…
I try to remember that other’s religious beliefs aren’t mine to judge…and hope they feel the same about mine…
I try to remember that there are crazy fans for all football teams…but…there are also lots and lots of wonderful people who just happen to get really excited about a particular team…good for them…I respect their passion…I respect their right to choose…I hope they respect my right to be rather indifferent…although…I do have a preference…
I try to remember…hmmm…what was it like to have a love life…hmmm…nothing comes to mind…geez…
I’m stepping off Bertha’s soapbox now…she’s herding me to the contemplation chair…seems I’ve gotten a bit riled up…and I need to spend some time with the forgiveness prayer…
Anything to get me off of her soapbox…
Jane

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

This Little Piggy…Lost Its Toe Ring…

But…it still ate some pie…
After all…it was a piggy…
Funny…how much of my identity is connected to a 2mm silver band on the second toe of my left foot…it’s just who I am…I’m the woman who wears a toe ring…doesn’t matter if no one sees it…I know it’s there…
My daughter thinks it’s gross…I don’t care…it’s just who I am…
I don’t think I’m trying to set a fashion statement…and definitely not a social statement…I just like it…it’s just who I am…I’ve worn one for about 15 years…I don’t feel quite like me without one…
I think the reason I love a toe ring…is that it isn’t always changing beyond my control…like my graying hair…like my wrinkles…my weight…yes…maybe I could control it…but this is my blog…so I’ll say I can’t
A toe ring is my constant…my reminder of who I am at my core…still young at heart in an aging body…
The first one lasted the longest…almost 12 years…including slipping off at the beach…and being found the next day by some nice man with a metal detector…it finally slipped off…when I was doing yard work work…shortly after I moved in this house…never to be seen again…
The second one lasted almost 2 years…it slipped off during a pedicure and the guy ran over it with his chair…crunch…he didn’t even apologize…or offer to pay for it…I never went back…
Number three has the shortest track record yet…less than a year…I just noticed that it wasn’t there when I went to bed last night…I checked under the sheets…in socks…under sofa cushions…but…I fear it’s down the drain…literally…
I’ll give it a few days…before I order a new one…just in case this one still shows up…in the meantime…
Oh me…oh my…
I could cry…
But…I think I’ll eat more pie…
Jane

Monday, January 23, 2012

Just a Minute…Please

Working out hasn’t been so bad…I made it to the gym five days last week…I’m still only doing the treadmill…and walking at my own pace…or…actually…Bertha’s pace…
Bertha has me on her Just a Minute Plan…it goes something like this…after warming up…I walk at a comfy pace for a minute…then…I walk at a faster pace for a minute…then…drop back…speed up…and I just keep doing that…some minutes the slower pace is even slower…and some of the faster ones are as fast as I can go…
Here’s her theory…I can endure anything for a minute…then I can rest…it sounded reasonable…it wasn’t overwhelming…I could do it…but…would it really work…
You know what I did…I Googled…I can’t help it…it’s a sickness…geez…I need an intervention…could somebody do a Google and find one for me…
Anyway…sure enough…there’s a whole bunch of stuff written about it…they call it interval training…their theory involves things like VMax…aerobic and anaerobic thresholds…cardiac output…
Somehow…I like Bertha’s theory better…it’s a whole lot easier to understand…and she’s right…even when I go as hard as I can…I can make it a minute…then…I can take it really easy the next minute…
I can tell I’m building up stamina and speed doing this…and adjusting the speed every minute helps keep me from getting bored…and when my hip hurts…I just go slower again…
Oh…here she is with her gym bag now…I’ll be there in just a minute
Jane

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I’d Drive a Mile for a Camel…

I remember the first time I saw it…looking regal in a pasture full of mere horses…the famous Camel of Decatur, Alabama…well he may not be all that famous…I couldn’t find him on Google…but…he is a bit of a local legend…but…I digress…
He was standing in a pasture along the side of Whitlow Road…a narrow, curvy, winding road…that demands a bit of attention just to navigate…seeing it…I almost didn’t…
I quickly called a friend…you won’t believe what I just saw…no…I haven’t been drinking…what’s wrong with you…it’s the middle of the day…I know what I saw…I am totally sober
I turned around and went back…
There it stood…same one hump…same tall neck…same arrogant look…yep…it was a camel alright…right there on a road that I traveled almost every day…I don’t know how it got there…I don’t know why…I just know it was there…
For some reason…I’m always looking for a sign…should I do this…will I do that…so…soon it became a game…would I see the camel…yes…that’s the sign I was looking for…
After a while…the unthinkable happened…they moved the camel…I finally found out where it was…but…I didn’t usually go that way…it was a busy four-lane…and the pasture was further from the road…honking horns and one fingered waves…I took them as a sign…let me know that slowing down to look for the camel…probably wasn’t the best idea…
So…you can imagine my delight…when I drove down Whitlow Road yesterday…and there it was…same one hump…same tall neck…same arrogant look…my camel was back…a very good sign…for what has been on my mind lately…
Bertha…The Sequel
That’s right…I’ve been gearing up…as we say in the South…to finish writing the second Bertha book…and with the camel there to cheer me on…the timing is perfect…ooh…I might even write the camel into the book…Bertha on camelback…wouldn’t that be fun…hmmm…
Jane

Saturday, January 21, 2012

My Boots Don’t Scoot…and…My Butt Don’t Boogie…

I have a lot of talents…well…okay…a few…geez…you are so critical sometimes…I’ll rephrase…
I have maybe two talents…dancing isn’t one of them…especially anything choreographed…a couple of years ago…I failed Community Education Line Dancing…well…I technically…I didn’t fail…I withdrew after the third class…three nights of trying to count…scoot…boogie…in the same direction as twenty other people…was enough to give me an anxiety attack…
My line dancing fiasco really didn’t come a surprise to me…I’ve never been able to dance…the only thing that saved me as a teenager…was the fact that we all just did some strange gyrations…and called it doing the Freddie…or the Swim…and of course there was what we called Slow Dancing…which was really just hugging and swaying…I could do that…I even enjoyed that…hmmm…
Thankfully…they hadn’t flipped the switch for the Electric Slide…and there was no Macarena back then…the humiliation would have been too much for this coordination challenged adolescent to handle…
The fact that I would never partner with the likes of Gene or Fred on the dance floor has never really bothered me…I’ve never aspired to be on Dancing with the Stars…I don’t dance in front of others…I’m content to dance for my own entertainment and exercise in the privacy of my own home…
I’m not a dancer…I accept my limitations…and…yet…imagine my chagrin…when I discovered…that…even the Geico Gecko is a better dancer than me…that’s right…
I was minding my own business…watching a bit of TV…and there he was…on a commercial…booting and scooting with the best of them…
I have to admit…it did something to my pride to be shown up by an animated lizard selling insurance…
It’s okay…I’m dealing with it…I can handle it…dancing isn’t my thing…but…if that little chameleon starts writing a blog…and it’s better than mine…I’ll sick Bertha on him…just saying…
Jane

Friday, January 20, 2012

Near-Death by Chocolate…

I just opened a piece Dove’s Dark Chocolate…ummm…I only do that for the message on the inside…honest…that’s the only reason I buy them…you can be so judgmental…geez…
Anyway…this one says…Live Your Dreams
Now…I’m confused…am I supposed to live the dream where I show up naked at Church…or in a skimpy nightie…the one where I’m in school and I realize that it is time for finals…and I haven’t been to class all semester…the one where I’m in an elevator…and it won’t stop at my floor…or…the one where I keep flipping light switches…but no lights come on…
Hmmm…I need more guidance…
So…I do the practical thing…I open another one…come on…I have to get the message straight…geez…anyway…it says…Relaxation by Chocolate
Doesn’t help one bit with the dreams…unless…relaxation…that could mean resting…could mean wearing a nightie…that could be it…but…it doesn’t seem very relaxing to be seen in my nightgown…and especially not at Church…and…I really don’t want to do that unless I’m downright certain…
I need still more guidance…I open another one…it says…Love Every Moment
I really don’t see any connection at all…I’d have a hard time loving any…much less every moment of the afore mentioned dreams…I’m getting frustrated…
I open one more…that’s four for those of you who haven’t been counting…that’s a laugh…you were all counting…I know…but…I digress…
So I open one more…it says…Love Rules without Rules…okay…I give up…no guidance at all…
I may need to consult the Magic 8-Ball…if I want any real guidance on the matter…
Unfortunately…I was forced to eat all that dark chocolate…hey…I couldn’t just leave them exposed to the elements once they were opened…I did the responsible thing…but…I feel a little queasy…I think I may just put on my nightgown and lie down for a bit…
I just hope I don’t end up at Church…
Jane

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A’Rested…

It’s been a busy week…at least for me…the life potato…I won’t bore you with all the details…mostly because…it doesn’t sound like that much when I put it on paper…and I don’t want you to laugh at me…when you compare that to your really busy lives…
Bertha getting ready for a bedtime snack
Anyway…when I sat down last night to write the blog…I was really tired…and nothing much happened…so…I asked Bertha what I should write about…the answer was rest...
I didn’t think she meant for me to write about it…I thought she meant to do it…so I did…I closed things down…got up from the computer…and went to bed…I did not go past GO…did not collect $200…but…I did brush my teeth…and wash my face…some things have to happen…and…now…I’m wishing I’d collected $200…I didn’t know that was an option…hmmm…
Anyway…I went right to sleep…and although I didn’t sleep all night…what woman over the age 40 does…I don’t think I got up at all…proving that I needed to rest…
Which has me up…bright and early…writing
Bertha says it’s all about being flexible…about…not getting set in my ways…about realizing that some days I’ll feel like writing in the evening…some days I’ll need to go to bed even earlier than normal…some mornings I’ll want to write…some…sleep in…if you call 4:00 sleeping in
She says that I have a tendency to get a little…translate…a lot…set in my ways…and that is a sure-fired way to stifle creativity…
And…she’s right…I have to admit…I do tend to get rigid…set in my ways…and then…the words don’t flow…the ideas don’t come…man…I hate when she’s right…
Now…I have to make the bed…my schedule is all off…I hope that means I’ll have some really good ideas for tomorrow!
Jane

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Honey…Hand Me a Towel…

The trouble with kids today…I’ve heard it said…they don’t have enough ambition…they don’t know what they want to do with their lives…they’re confused…wander aimlessly…
I’m just glad my granddaughters don’t follow suit…
Case in point…my three year-old granddaughter…when asked what she wants to be when she grows up…she answered…a towel…why…because…they clean you up…
So…today…when you get out of the shower…and reach for your towel…smile…because…some little girl’s dreams just may have come true…
I’m just glad she didn’t say a doormat…
Jane

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Feeling Toasty…

I feel I have to revisit the subject of the demise of the toaster oven…
What I failed to mention previously…was that it was working fine until I accidently unplugged it…then when I plugged it back in…the outside felt warm…but the elements wouldn’t heat…I assumed an electrical malfunction…I unplugged it…for safety’s sake…
But…I re-plugged it several times…hoping against hope…no toast…
So…I blogged about it…I admitted to the world…I should have loved it better…even if it was a bit scorched…and didn’t match my cabinetry and other appliances as well as I would have like…I was duly remorseful…
Yesterday morning as I was about to bite the bullet…and lovingly place the toaster oven in that big brown can that takes things away…I moved the George Forman Mini Grill from its perch on top of the toaster oven…and noticed it’s cord…hmmm…could it be…
Yes…it could…
I separated the cords…I sat the Mini Grill over to the side…I plugged in the toaster oven…
Wa La…toast…
Bertha is still laughing at me…me…I am just delighted that it is working…giving it hugs and kisses…and telling it how much I appreciate it…
What prompted me to consider the switched cords…call it Bertha…call it women’s intuition…call it stubbornness…I don’t care…just call me for toast…
Jane

Monday, January 16, 2012

Back to Square Three…

Woo hoo…I’m finally back at the gym…don’t get excited…I’ve only been two days in a row…I’m not doing anything fancy…walking on the treadmill…not too fast…not too long…just trying to get back in shape…
It’s kind of frustrating…it feels like I completely wasted three years of my life…spent getting into shape…changing my eating habits…only to find myself…back at square one…out of shape…and overweight…
But…then I have to ask myself…REALLY…am I totally out of shape…and the answer is…NO…not totally…I’m by no means where I was a year and a half ago…but I’m also not where I was before I started working out a few years ago…either…
It’s the same with my weight…I have regained…way more than I’d like…hello…one pound is more than I’d likeand it’s a lot more than one…but…it’s not all of it…
So…I’m actually starting ahead of the game…when I started…must have been four years ago…I broke the Diet Coke habit…and never went back…I drink mostly water…I started eating more fruits and veggies…I still do…I cook most of my meals…I carry my lunch…I rarely eat fast food…it’s really just my sweet tooth that I need to tweak…
Unlike when I originally started…I’m really looking forward to the exercise…to challenging my body…to getting stronger…and…especially…to getting back on my bike this spring…
So…maybe I’m not back to square one…maybe I’m at square three…or even four…I know I’ve got a ways to go…but…I also know I can do it…I’ve done it before…
Jane

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Wish It Were Toast…

Funny…how we take some things for granted…I mean really…when’s the last time you spent some time appreciating your kitchen appliances…the answer for me…other than my smooth surface cooktop stove…which I shower with love every time I easily clean it…NEVER…
So…I shouldn’t have been surprised when my under-loved…overused…toaster oven…became yesterday’s toast…
It’s not that I didn’t appreciate…I really did…I just don’t think I told it very often…not like I did when it was shiny and new…and its whiteness matched my then kitchen perfectly…
Yes…I probably cleaned it more often…before something burned and smoked the front…and permanently attached itself to the drip tray…
I admit…I sent it more than a few sideways glances…and snide thoughts…about its fading beauty...about how black or stainless would match better…and yet…it continued to toast my bread…every time I placed it inside…and turned that little dial…
Until it didn’t…
And…all the cajoling…all the twisting of dials…all the plugging and unplugging…did not illicit the least bit of warmth…it was gone…
It left me at the most inopportune moment…being down a few dollars from the Christmas festivities…and mid-way between pay periods…I’m not going to replace it just yet…I have an oven…bread will be heated…
But it’s just not the same…
I miss my toaster oven…I miss the little ticking sound it made as it counted down the seconds as it toasted the bread…and then dinged that it was finished…my oven…for all its fanciness…doesn’t do any of that…
So…as I sit here…sipping my coffee…I wonder…when’s the last time that I appreciated the coffeemaker…hmmm…think I better stop writing…and give it some loving…
Jane

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Drop the Mouse…Step Away From the Forum…

Put on a party hat…blow a horn…throw some confetti...pop the champagne…join me for my Anniversary celebration…
Well…honestly…put on your tennis shoes…drink some coffee…eat a bowl of oatmeal…and let’s go to the gym…that’s how I’m really planning to celebrate the one year anniversary of my…Posterior Fossa Decompression…AKA…Craniotomy…AKA…Brain Surgery
When the Neurosurgeon first confirmed the diagnosis of Chiari I Malformation…I needed more information…you know what I did…geez…I’m so predictable…I Googled…
And…while I got some professional medical sites with some useful information…for the most part…especially when I was looking for what to expect afterwards…I found links to forums…
And…against my inner wisdom…AKA…Bertha screaming like a banshee…DON’T GO
I went…
The posts literally scared the bejesus out of me…I didn’t stay long…at least not pre-op…I knew I couldn’t read these terrible things…and go through with the surgery…I just couldn’t…
After surgery…it was a different story…I had strange things going on…were they a complication…were the normal…were they related…I Googled…
Yup…more forum links…less professional medical sites…
I went…I needed to know…what I found was a delightfully supportive group of people…who were having the absolute worst case scenarios that you could imagine…
Simple little things like my runny nose…elicited stories of botched surgeries…and leaking spinal fluid…I went back to see the Neurosurgeon…he reassured me…I had a runny nose…probably caused by the same allergies that had made my nose run for 40 years…my spinal fluid wasn’t leaking…
I developed a strange earache…yup…more leaking spinal fluid…and botched surgery stories…I went to my medical doctor…earwax buildup…
My face started hurting…I was nauseated…I had a fever…un huh…same stories…I went to the dentist…abscessed tooth…(it had been precarious for a few years)…tooth extraction…no spinal fluid leaking…
Might I mention that spinal fluid leakage was my biggest fear following the surgery…
Headaches resulted in unlimited accounts of complications…back to the Neurosurgeon…development of a small pseudomeningocele…(tiny leakage of fluid contained in the skin)…fairly common…reassured…I was doing fine...
I don’t even remember the next thing that sent me back to the Neurosurgeon…for more reassurance…and finally I said…look…I’m scared to death here…I know I’m a nurse…I know I should know this stuff…but…it don’t…I need to know…am I going to live a normal life from this point or not…
He gave me a puzzled look…didn’t I know…I was doing awesome…I didn’t have all the comorbid conditions that those people in the forums have…I was young…I gave him a puzzled look…he reassured me I was…he reassured me that he would be there to answer any questions that I might have…
Basically…he reassured me…I was essentially going to be okay…
I left the forums…not that I’d ever…joined…I just sneaked around and read what they said…and left…I realized that the people who had good results from their surgeries…weren’t spending time posting in forums…they were living…finding other ways to spend their days…I wanted to be one of them…
I’d love to say that I haven’t been back to the Neurosurgeon for strange symptoms…but I have…and thankfully…each time I have been reassured…and sent home feeling better…with…no leaking spinal fluid…
Jane

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sweet Home…Moulton, Alabama…

Just the other morning…I realized how much I appreciate living in Moulton, AL…the town of my birth…and raising…as we say in the south…
Moulton, AL…the same town that I’ve spent most of my life trying to get out of…but always seem to come home to…
I’ve been back six years this time…and looks like I’ll be here a while longer…and that’s okay…the wanderlust of my younger years has past…there is just something about seeing the same things that I’ve seen over and over again since my youth…that has become soothing…it’s like the town has a rhythm…a music…of its own…
Like all towns…it is changing…old landmarks are coming down…and new ones are going up…it’s happening at a pace that works…sort of like growing old…you just don’t notice what’s happening…until one day you are…and then…it seems natural enough…
And…I realize…that like the town…I am changing at a pace that works for me as well…some of my old…well-worn…comfortable habits are coming down…and new unfamiliar ones…are taking their place…
There is something so comforting about knowing…and being known…it suits me…so…why…I wonder…did I leave so many times…what was that wanderlust all about…
I can’t totally answer that…but…I think it had something to do…with not feeling like here was enough…that I wasn’t enough…and…that somehow…I could be more…somewhere else…
What I’ve found out…over the years…is what Mama knew before I left…where ever you go…you take yourself with you…you can be happy or sad…rich or poor…educated or illiterate…wherever you are…
It’s who you are…not where you are…that makes the difference…
So…do I love all the changes in the town…not totally…I miss the old Star Theater…even though it’s been empty some 40 years…but…the new Courthouse will be wonderful…and was much needed…
Do I love all the changes in me…not totally…I miss some of my old habits…even though they haven’t served me in about as long…but…I really do embrace…the new habits…they are wonderful…and much needed…
Jane

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Bertha-Sizing Readers Rockin’ Radio…

Okay…I took my advice…I swapped out the printer…I went with the used one…that is the same model…and uses the same ink…as the one I had…decided to give it a try before I asked for a new one…
It works like a charm…I’ve been printing up a storm…
But…here’s the really interesting part…I didn’t realize how much stuff I was putting off…because I didn’t want to hassle with the printer…hmmm…
Bertha says it’s just like life…we all knew she was going to say that…is there anything she doesn’t relate to life…well…nothing that I’ve found so far…okay…we haven’t talked about dryer lint…but…I’m sure she’d find a way to relate it, too…I’ll ask her later and let you know how that works…
Anyway…she says that when I am settling for something less than I want and need…that I’m holding myself back…not reaching my full potential…not fully enjoying life…
What can I say…when she’s right…she’s right…
So today…I enjoyed the ease of doing my job…of printing my documents…and just being carefree…who knew simply switching printers could make such a difference…
Bertha knew…and of course…she loved reminding me…she says that’s what Bertha-Sizing is all about…
In fact…we talked about that during our interview on Reader's Rockin’ Radio last night with hosts Kim Mutch Emerson and Debra Shiveley Welch…they even rewarded another author who had just been caught in the act of Bertha-Sizing
I hope you’ll have time to listen to the show…it was a ton of fun…as for me…I’m off to work…gotta use that new printer…and search the world…for more ways to Bertha-Size
Jane

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Road Rage…

Honestly…I’ve been known to push the posted speed limits…at times…okay…most of the time…but…it’s not my fault…I have a condition known as…congenital lead foot…it runs in my family…and is very resistant to treatment…I have had temporary luck with…trooper therapy…which works great for a short time…but…seems to wear off the longer it has been since the treatment…
While exceeding the speed limit may work okay on a four-lane…or interstate…it doesn’t work so well on a hilly, winding, two-lane country road…that’s heavily traveled by log trucks…and has frequent school bus stops…AKA…my route to school…
So…I’m careful…I try to stay near the limit…as close as that foot allows…I allow plenty of time to get to school…and I’m always on the watch for buses…
Not so everyone…it seems there are a few large pick-up truck drivers…who are bound and determined to pass me by…yesterday morning…there was one…in the dark…in the fog…in the mist…with a double yellow line…only to get behind the 18-wheeler…that was preventing me from going any faster in the first place…
I watched as he attempted several times to pass it…again…with all of those conditions…and finally made it…whipping in behind a school bus…just as it was stopping for a child…
Then he…passed the school bus…again with a double yellow line…as it was approaching another stop…and a railroad crossing…
Now…I try not to be critical…but…this is what I’m thinking…Sir…really…what could be so important…that you risk your own life…not to mention the lives of other drivers…and all those children on the school bus...so what if you were up late watching the National Championship the night before…be a man…get up early enough to be on time for work…or be late…just don’t drive like an idiot…
Bertha has let me rant and rave…I think she actually enjoyed the show…at one time…she held up a ‘10’ card…so I guess she thought I was doing well…
Then…she reminded me…I don’t have a clue how the man was driving…not really…I could see things from my perspective…not his…what appeared to be whipping to me…could have been plenty of room…there were no wrecks…maybe I exaggerated the wildness of his driving…maybe I viewed him through the lens of my own frustration of the morning…
And…she’s right…I don’t have a clue…not really…I was frustrated yesterday…I got up late…I didn’t feel good…hmmm…I feel that balloon full of righteous indignation deflating…and whizzing across the room…
Jane

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Janerella…

Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…
I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…
Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball...this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…
I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…
I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl
We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…
I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…
I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…
Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…
Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not
There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…
I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…
And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…
But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…
Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…
Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…
But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…
Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…
What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it
Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…
That’s right…I’ve done my share…
Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…
Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…
And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…
Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there
But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth...
And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…
Jane

Monday, January 9, 2012

Meet Me on Monday…

I’m going to be doing something a little different on Mondays…I’m going to be sharing my blog on what’s called an author’s blog tour…the purpose of it…is to help more people get to know some of the lesser known authors…you know…people like me…and their books…you know…books like…Bertha-Size Your Life
I’ve never participated in one of these before…so I’m not totally sure how it works…the first post may be today…and it may not…how’s that for concrete information…
My current plan is to continue to post on Mondays…and have the author interview as a second post for the day…we’ll see how that works…
Bertha is excited about the tour…I tried to explain that we’ll just be visiting a lot of people’s blog…we aren’t really going anywhere…but…she’s been out shopping for shoes…and getting her nails done…you know Berthaany excuse for high heels and a mani-pedi…
Me…I’m in my house shoes…my nails are scraggly…but…I’m really kind of psyched about the whole thing…it’s a cool way for me to get to know other authors…something I’m always excited to do…I’m always curious about what makes them tick…how they came up with that idea…that kind of thing…and…I get to share that information with you…
Sometimes…I have to admit…in the past…I was a little intimidated by the popular authors…okay…sometimes I was a lot intimidated…geez…you make me admit every little thing…this living my truth thing can be a pain…
But…I finally understand…we all want the same thing…whether we write books or not…we want to be heard…we want to be understood…we want to be validated
And…somehow…that’s more reassuring than intimidating…maybe living my truth isn’t such a pain after all…
Anyway…I hope you’ll enjoy meeting the authors…I know I’m going to…either later today…or soon…Bertha's in the car...blowing the horn...I hope it's soon...geez...
Jane

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Let My Printer Go…

My printer at work is old…this is my sixth year there…it wasn’t new when I came…it has gotten progressively cantankerous over the last year…the cartridge carriage sticks…it goes something like this…
I click print…the printer wakes up…it makes some noise…sounds like it’s flexing its muscles…a little yellow light comes on…a carriage stuck message pops on the screen…I open the cover…slide the carriage back and forth a bit…close the cover…press OK…it makes noise…flexes its muscles…the yellow light comes on…and we start over…
It’s frustrating…at times nerve wrecking…there is stuff I need to print…I don’t have time to be fiddling with the printer…over and over again…I dread printing anything…
And…yet…I still have the same printer…I’m going through the same routine…day after day…several times a day…
Why…
There are several reasons…the school system doesn’t have a ton of money…I hate to ask for a new printer…when technically mine still works…then…new printers quite often use different ink cartridges…I have a couple of spares…again…there’s the money thing…
Those are the practical reasons…and while they sound noble on paper…I fear that the true reasons are deeper than that…
It works part of the time…occasionally it works without a hitch…it gives me hope…next time…it will work…next time it won’t hang…next time will be printing bliss…
I clean it…I pray for it…I send it printer love…
Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t…
There’s a familiarity to the process…it’s what I’m used to now…click print…hold breath…wait…fidget…
It gives me something to whine about…I’m the martyr…I continue to deal with an aging printer for the good of the school system…essentially for the children…for education…for literacy everywhere…St. Jane of Printers…
Truth is…if I asked for a new printer…I would get one…I have even found a back-up in the Library…same model…same ink…but…I have no clue if it will work…it may have the same problem…it may be worse…
I haven’t switched yet…it’s sitting in my office…as I give my old one…just one more chance…several times a day…
And…while…that’s just a printer…I see a pattern from my life…
I remember past relationships…ones that continued beyond their time…the thoughts that went through my head…
I hate to let go…if there is even a glimmer of hope…no matter how bold the writing on the wall…it could change tomorrow…what if I let go a day too soon…what if I change...what if he does…it could happen…we could be happy…
Maybe…just maybe…it’s time to symbolically break that pattern…and replace the printer…take a chance…that the new one will be better than what I’ve had…
Yes...I think it is time…
Jane

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Styling…The Good Ole Days…

Yesterday was a bad hair day…it was just one of those days…the front looked okay…but…the back…it was obviously sticking out in unflattering directions…the only problem was…I didn’t check the back…until…it was too late…I was already dressed and made-up…there was no turning back…
I dampened…I smoothed…I sprayed…it would…do…it didn’t look too bad…it just didn’t look good…either…oh well…
But…it got me to thinking…how easy it is for me to get up now and wash my hair…the whole process doesn’t take more than ten minutes…it’s so short and thin…I don’t even blow-dry it…it’s fluff and go…
But…that wasn’t always the case…
There was the time…that for some reason…we tend to call the good ole days…when I would never have considered the possibility of washing my hair in the morning…regardless of how bad it looked…
First of all…there was drying time…at least an hour…depending on the length and thickness of your hair…under the bonnet dryer…
Well…maybe that wasn’t first…first was the rolling time…hair had to be rolled before it was dried…for longer…straighter…styles…we often used orange juice cans…at least in the crown…and the largest rollers we could buy for everywhere else…made it hard to get the bonnet on…
After the hair was dry…if you wanted it even straighter…you could either iron it…that’s right…with a hot iron…and wax paper…I think…I never actually did that…or you could roll the crown on the orange juice cans…and wrap the rest of the hair around your head…secure it with a few bobby pins…put on a hairnet…or your panties on your head if you didn’t have one…and sleep that way…
Although that sounds complicated…the straight styles were probably the easiest…curlier styles required sleeping in some sort of curlers overnight…
When we were little…Mama used to do spit curls…that was strands of hair twisted into flat curls…and secured with a bobby pin X…again…covered with a hairnet or panties…
As we got older…we attempted to sleep on rollers…that’s right…roll all over…secure with clips and bobby pins…cover with a hairnet or panties…and go to bed…
I said attempt…because…I don’t think we slept very well…so…someone invented…pink sponge rollers…they were really cool…they were first of all sponge…and soft…and had a built in clip that went over the curler…and snapped in place…quite often leaving these bent looking places in your hair the next day…anyway…you covered them with a hairnet or panties…and went to bed…
We had bathroom drawers…and caddies…filled with curlers of all different sizes for different styles…
Oh…and I didn’t mention the…go to the beauty shop once a week and get your hair teased and sprayed so stiffly that it would stay in for a week…style…of course you had to cover it with a hairnet or panties every night…just too protect it…oh…and you may have wrapped toilet tissue around it as well…hmmm…
My…how times have changed…and…honestly…I’m glad they have…we can talk about the good ole days all we want…but…this morning…I’m just sort of grateful that I can hop in the shower…and wash my hair…in no time flat…and that’s probably all I will do to it…
And…while I know…in many ways…those days of old were kinder and gentler…I’m really glad I’m not going to bed with panties on my head…I mean really…what were we thinking…get a hairnet…girlfriend…get a hairnet…
Jane