But…It Was on Sale…

A bargain is only a bargain…if…you need it! ~Bertha

I must admit…I’ve done it…it…being…buying something…that…I wasn’t shopping for…that…I have a questionable need for…simply because…it was there…and…it was…such a good deal…

Now…Bertha…has been quick to point out the fallacy of this…yes…that’s the same…Bertha…who wouldn’t pass up a shoe sale…on a dare…probably not even a double-dog dare…and…we all know…the power of the double-dog…

Anyway…when I proudly display my latest…good deal…she has started asking me…these…stupid…hmmm…I mean…these questions…

Do I need it…does it match anything I have…does it fit…do I love it…would I have bought it at full price…

Then…like a dog with a bone…she goes on…

What about the cost…how does the 50% I paid…fit into my budget…and…she reminds me…$200 worth of bargains…is still $200…even…if the receipt says I saved…$200…I still spent…$200…and…somehow…when it comes to my bank balance…that ain’t really saving…

She’s right of course…and…I’m busted…as I remember the arm loads of clearance clothes…still sporting tags…that I eventually gave away…because…they either never fit…well…I meant to lose weight…geez…or…I never found anything…just that shade…of…periwinkle…or…chartreuse…to pull it off…and that…oh…I can always wear it with black…doesn’t always get it either…

Bertha…says…it’s actually part of living my truth…asking myself the…questions…as she calls them…before I make a purchase…especially…an impulse purchase…and…if…the answers…are…no…then…putting it back on the rack…and…walking away…

I have a feeling…I’m going to be doing quite a bit of walking in the future…I wonder…will that count as exercise…hmmm…

Jane

Paradox Found…

Somehow…there’s something fundamentally wrong…with eating a candy bar…while reading a continuing education article about weight loss surgery…and…yet…I did…

Funny thing is…before that…I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a candy bar…of course…Bertha…nudged me…it hadn’t been that long…okay…I admit it…geez…it hadn’t…but…before that one…really…it had been a while…but I digress…

So…why…I wondered…how…did I find myself…reading about weight loss…and eating a candy bar…at the same time…it just didn’t make sense…even though…I wasn’t considering having the surgery…I was definitely thinking about the pounds I needed to lose…when the urge for chocolate suddenly overwhelmed me…I had a dollar…and there was a Snickers bar…just down the hall…I didn’t resist…

Kind of like…eating a large pizza…while watching…The Biggest Loser…well…I might have done that…but…honestly…I never did…at least…not the whole thing…maybe just a couple of slices…geez…

Bertha…tells me…it’s called…denial…and…that’s not…a river in Egypt…but…it’s just as full of crocodiles…snapping away at my happiness…by keeping me from living the fullness…of living my truth…

Hmmm...what can I say…she’s right…I have been known to bury my head in the sand…on more than one occasion…and…the sand in my ears…is really irritating…I might add…

So…how…do I fess up…look life straight in the eye…she says…start with the Forgiveness Prayer…start with…I love you…I’m sorry…Please forgive me…Thank you…directed to my spirit…she says…to always start with love…because…love is the truth of who I am…and that’s what it’s all about…

Jane

I have found the paradox…that if you love until it hurts…there can be no more hurt…only more love…  ~  Mother Teresa

The Brave…and…The True…

Yesterday was a good day…yesterday I was brave…not always the case…yesterday…I asked for help…hmmm…not something I’m good at…

Funny thing is…most people…me included…enjoy helping others…of course…like others…I don’t want to be taken advantage of…but…it does my heart good…to be able to give to another…

So…why…is it so difficult to ask for something when I need it…

Hmmm…I’m not sure why I said…hmmm…I know the answer…actually…answers…first…it’s hard to ask for help…because…I’m afraid the other person will say…NO…and…second…I’m afraid someone will see me as weak…

So…I rarely ask…

Interestingly…Bertha…yeah…we knew it would be…Bertha…says that asking for what I need…is actually part of living my truth…she went on to say…that some people will say…no…for a variety of reasons…and…that some people will see me as being weak…for a variety of reasons…but…that for the most part…I’ll get the help I need…

I think she’s right…okay…I know she’s right…it’s just hard to go against years of stoic beliefs…

Now…Bertha…is saying that I should explain what I asked for…before…you think…I asked to borrow a million dollars…or…asked someone to cut my grass for the year…

Yesterday…I realized that I was a few ‘likes’ shy…of getting stats on my Facebook author’s page…so…I bucked it up…posted a request in the MasterKoda writing group I’m in…put in on my home page…and sent requests to many on my friend list…

Anyway…she was right…some people said…no…or just didn’t respond…some people may have thought I was weak…I’ll probably never know that…

But…what can I say…today…I have stats…they call it…Insights…Bertha…says I’m a long way from…insights…geez…

I’m learning…asking for help…isn’t necessarily a bad thing…it is part of living my truth…part of honoring who I am…

In fact…if you have some extra cash…or…a lawn mower…could you come on over…wow…I might get to like this…asking…

Bertha…quit hitting me with the skillet…I was kidding…geez…

Jane

With Two Cats in the Yard…

I did a little snooping yesterday…I checked out my neighbor’s house…now…don’t go calling the police…I didn’t jimmy the locks…or even peep in the windows…I just found it online…yep…it’s for sale…so…I found the listing and took the virtual tour…

What I found was…it is a lovely house…filled with bold colors…striking…beautiful…but…I wouldn’t want to live there…

I want to live in my house…

I love my house…I loved it from the moment I first walked in…with one exception…the walls were camel…the entire interior with the exception of the guest bath…was painted the same color…and…while…it was a nice color…very tasteful…very sophisticated…

It just wasn’t me…

For me…color is important…I can handle plain white walls…but…beige…AKA…camel…depresses me…I knew I could live here about six months…if that…before I’d be depressed…if I left things the way they were…

I’m a pastel kind of girl…

I immediately…began planning the colors I would paint…the living room…dining room…would be a pale turquoise…bordering on blue…the color that reminds me of water…the master bed and bath…a pale coral…almost pink…the color that reminds me of sunrise…the rest of the rooms…would remain camel…honestly…that only left the kitchen…guest room…and hall…I could live with that much…

I was delighted with my choices…and amused…when a neighbor came over as I was holding up paint swatches…and proceeded to inform me…that I wouldn’t like the color…which I thought was pretty funny…considering it was the same exact color I’d been living with for two years prior and loved…I must have given her a funny look…I don’t think she’s been back…

She wasn’t the only one…when I’d show the house to someone…and tell them I was going to paint…even if they didn’t object to the colors I’d chosen…they’d ask why…it was such a lovely color already…so neutral…so chic…so…them…

I’m not sure they understood…they also didn’t sign the mortgage…

So…here I am…not neutral…not sophisticated…not chic…but…I love my house…I love the colors that I chose…they suit me…they make me happy…

And…believe it or not…Bertha…says…it’s part of living my truth…honoring who I am…honoring what I need…who would have thought…paint color…could do all that…

Jane

Promises Kept…

I woke up yesterday with the best of intentions…I would write…I would clean…do laundry…I would go to the gym…I got up plenty early…five o’clock…I promised myself…it would be a productive day…

Four hours later…nine o’clock…half a normal work day…the only thing I’d done was posted the blog…hmmm…slow writing for such a short piece…not really…mostly…goofing off…

Okay…a lot of time gone…restructure…maybe I wouldn’t clean or do laundry…yeah…I hate to give that up…but…I would write…and…I promised I would go to the gym…just as soon as I…check email…see what’s happening on Facebook…write this chapter…eat…digest…read a little more…hmmm…but…I was going to the gym…I promised…

Before I knew it…it was after five…a full twelve hours had passed…and then some…and I had not made it to the gym…it was time to put up or shut up…and honestly…I seriously considered shutting up…

It was almost dark…I didn’t really want to go…oh…I was dressed to go…I’d been dressed to go all day…doesn’t that count for something…no…it should…you sure are a stickler for rules…geez…

And…Bertha’s a stickler for living my truth…it was about that time that she pointed out…all the promises I’d started breaking…I pleaded innocent…I kept my promises…if I promised someone I would do something…I did it…

But…what about promises to me…she so eloquently pointed out…yeah…skillet to head…again…that every time I break a promise to me…that I have undermined…my truth…my self-confidence…setting me up for failure…

She reminded me of little promises I’d made and broken…I hadn’t even paid them any attention…a phone call I was going to make…a card I would send…a treat I wouldn’t eat…money I wouldn’t spend…the list went on…but…I think you’ve got the message…and I’m humiliated enough…

So…there I was…decision time…live my truth…or…break a promise to myself…I reached for the car keys…there was an exercise bike…waiting…with my name on it…and…I had miles to ride before I slept…

Jane

Abraham, George, and Jane…

You may think today is Presidents’ Day…and it is…but…for me…and my colleagues…it’s also flex day…which means…the kids get a holiday…and staff members who attended a full day of inservice during the summer…get the day off as well…

I didn’t…I don’t…                        

I had good intentions…I registered for the school nursing conference…I just couldn’t go…it was our first week out of school…I was still exhausted from finishing the school year…

I opted out…I felt so guilty…it was a free conference…I should go…I needed the information…the other nurses would be there…I’d look like a slug…

There just wasn’t enough guilt…to make me go…I needed to rest…

So…today…part of me is thinking…man…I could have the day off…I could be in the bed right now…if only…I’d gone to that conference…it was only one day…I could have done that…right…

Wrong…

I honestly don’t think I could have…

Bertha is excited…she’s glad I’m going to work today…because it means…I made the right decision…I listened to my body…I honored my health…I didn’t let guilt…or…a sense of obligation…get in the way…

She says it’s part of living my truth…and I know it is…but…there’s still that part of me…that’s screaming…but…it’s true…I want a day off…today…

What can I say…I’ll see you after work…

Jane

Janerella…

Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…

I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…

Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball...this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…

I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…

I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl…

We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…

I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…

I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…

Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…

Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not…

There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…

I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…

And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…

But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…

Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…

Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…

What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it…

Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…

That’s right…I’ve done my share…

Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…

Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…

And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…

Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there…

But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth...

And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…

Jane

I Can See Clearly Now…The Leaves Are Gone…

I love trees…I always have…there’s just something about them…

Traditionally…I’ve been a Spring and Fall girl…loving the leaves when they are tiny green shoots…and again…when they are in all of their colored glory…

One of my favorite neighborhood trees.

But…lately…I’ve been appreciating the trees themselves…winter trees…without their finery…

When I focus on the tree…on the shape…on the bark…on its innate beauty…on its foibles…undistracted by the leaves…it’s a totally different experience…

Bertha tells me that’s how I’ve been with people…my focus has been on their leaves…their clothes…their jobs…their families…their circumstances…that I haven’t seen who they truly are…she says that’s why…I felt that I had little in common with them…like I didn’t really fit in…

But…now...looking beyond the leaves…to the trunks…and the bark…I am learning…I’m not unique…I’m not the only one with insecurities…who wants to be loved…to be heard…to be known…to be understood…

Unlike a tree…it’s easy for me to hide my shape…my bark…my innate beauty…my foibles…nature doesn’t strip me of my leaves for four months out of every year…

Exposing myself as I truly am…is a daily choice…part of living my truth…

There is something quiet and restful about a tree without leaves…something unpretentious…proud…strong…patient…honest…all the things I strive to be…

Jane

I’m Dreaming of a Blue Christmas…Not…

Seems everywhere I turn…someone is playing Christmas music…well…it is the season…but lots of it is just plain tragic…love gone bad…mama going to meet Jesus…it makes me sad to listen to it…so…unless forced to…tied…gagged and bound…I don’t…I have changed radio stations in the past because they only played Christmas music seemingly from Labor Day through New Year’s…

Personally…I like the happy songs…the ones that make you feel good all over…like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer…now who wouldn’t feel good while listening to that…my whole family loves it…even Grandma…

Some of my other funny favs include…

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas…hello…Hippo Hero…glad you’re a vegetarian…

The Chimney Song…there’s something stuck up in the chimney…and I don’t know what it is…makes me glad I don’t have a fireplace…

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen…now…I can’t sit in comfort and joy…love the play on words…who thinks up these songs…oh…Bob Rivers…

Santa Claus in Watching You…remember when Clyde the camel replaced Rudolph who dislocated his hip in a twist contest…

I know…I know…I’m weird…but…to me…sad Christmas music is like somebody telling me that I’ve gained weight…and we all know how that feels…okay…some of you don’t know…so let me just tell you…it feels crummy…I am aware of the weight…hello…I have a mirror…

Same difference with the songs…I’m aware of all the sad things that happen around Christmas…people who are lonely…people who are sad over the loss of a loved one…I don’t want to be reminded of it in my songs…

I want peace on earth…good will to men and women…I want hope…and love…and a warm fuzzy feeling…

Somehow…crazy mixed up Christmas songs do that for me…but…even them in small doses…

Bertha says that’s a part of living my truth…finding what makes me happy and embracing it…finding what makes me sad…and letting it go…whether it’s thoughts or music…it really doesn’t matter…

So…I listen to a station that plays the occasional Christmas song…and if it’s one that brings blue thoughts…I turn down the volume…easy peasy…

Jane

True Confessions…of a Clothes Horse…

They say…confession is good for the soul…well then…my soul is gonna be better for this…so here goes…

It started the first day of first grade…I wore shorts…cute little lime green shorts with a matching plaid top that had a metallic thread…yes…I remember in that much detail…I also remember that all the other little girls had on dresses…

Thus started the…what am I gonna wear…obsession…maybe you know how it goes…

Ring…ring…you wanna go out with a bunch of us on Thursday?

Ah…um…sure…what’ll ya’ll be wearing?

And it’s a double edged sword…not only do I want to blend in…I want to look good…the only thing is…it doesn’t matter how many clothes I have hanging in my closet…I never seem to have exactly what I think I should wear…if I have the funds…I buy something new…but…quite often I go…feeling uncomfortable…ill at ease…because I don’t think I have on just the right thing…

If a mere evening out with friends puts me in a dizzy…imagine what major events do…a date…well…haven’t had to worry about that one in a while…but…it would definitely require a new outfit…a speaking engagement…always cries out for a new outfit…even if they’ve never seen me before…

So…I shouldn’t have been surprised when my friend Edie Galley asked to interview me for her radio show…that my first concern was…what should I wear…not…what am I gonna say…

Just for the record…the interview is done over the phone…no one…not one single person could see me…but…I was very authorish…in black leggings…long, black bubble top…and purple ballerina flats…silver jewelry completed the ensemble…my hair and makeup were nicely done…my legs were clean shaven…and my toenails were freshly painted…

Now…you may be thinking that this means I’m insecure…not sure I’m gonna fit in…and I believe you’d be right…you’re getting as smart as Bertha…who of course has something to say about this…

She says it’s another layer of living my truth…of feeling good about who I am…regardless of how I…or anyone else is dressed…it’s about buying clothes that I love…that speak to me…and just knowing that I’ll fit in wherever I do…and if I don’t…it’s not the clothes holding me back…

This one…is gonna take some more time in the contemplation chair…hmmm…wonder what I should wear…

Gotcha!

Jane

Of Lies and Casseroles...

Oh what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive—Sir Walter Scott

Bertha and I are still discussing living our truth…and how that affects our life…so opportunities to learn more and go deeper keep showing up.

I recently read that any time we tell a lie…no matter how teeny, tiny…white…or innocent it seems…that we are manipulating the other person…

I argued with it…don’t remember where I read it…but I do remember arguing with it…it of course won…with Bertha’s help…the argument went something like this…

Me…I don’t tell big lies…(it’s true…I don’t)…and I only tell the itty-bitty ones because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…

Bertha…why don’t you want to hurt their feelings…

Me…well…they’re my friends…I don’t want to make them feel bad…they might get mad at me…they might not like me anymore…or…I’m embarrassed about something I did…they might think I’m foolish…they might not like me anymore…

Bertha…and…don’t you see that is actually manipulating them…only saying things you think they want to hear…so they will like you…

Me…OMG…you’re right…I’m not only a liar…I’m a manipulator…

Bertha…let’s don’t get carried away…let’s just say you were misguided…

Me…exhale…(I’ve been waiting to do that)…

Bertha went on to talk hypothetically about having lunch at a friend’s…and trying out her newest recipe…which is totally unpalatable…but when she asks how it is…saying it’s…tasty…delicious…yummo…thinking I’ve spared her feelings…she still likes me…she’ll have me over for lunch again…

And she does…but she always serves that same dish…because she thinks it is my favorite…then I would start making excuses not to go…and that might hurt her feelings…and she might not have me over for lunch again…

Bertha also points out…that it could also go another way…she could take my approval as the go ahead to make the dish for someone else…thinking mother-in-law…garden club…potluck…eventually…somebody’s gonna tell her the truth…she’ll be humiliated…and she’ll know I lied…and probably won’t like me so much…probably won’t have me over for lunch again…hmmm…

So…Bertha and I are still trashing out living our truth…and being our authentic self…there seem to be a lot of layers…like peeling an artichoke…spiny leaves on the outside…followed by a big hairy mess…until finally…if you keep peeling…you reach the sweet heart of the matter…

I’ll take mine with butter…lemon…and just a hint of garlic…would you like the recipe…maybe I’ll ask you for lunch…

Jane