Into the Meadow…

My writing life is expanding…and…I like that…I think…I have become so comfortable in the little spot that I’ve carved out for myself…that…I’m not sure who I’ll be in a more open space…

I’m reading Bambi…not the Walt Disney version…but the original book…I feel like Bambi…on his first trip from the secluded spot in the forest…to the open expanse of the meadow…

The meadow…filled with delight…discovery…adventure…but…also…caution…possibly danger…

My writing is taking me into the meadow…I’ve written before…I’ve published before…but…this time is different…it’s more expansive…somehow…

Maybe…this meadow isn’t really bigger…but…it feels like it is…like Bambi…I’m growing…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m writing…

And…while…in this moment…this feels like it’s about writing…I know that it is also…about a bigger picture…I know…because…Bertha is hitting me over the head with the skillet again…

Reminding me that whether it is writing…relationships…jobs…or…so many areas of life…I am constantly…retreating into the woods…then venturing back into the meadow…a meadow…that feels bigger with each trip…but…my legs are less wobbly…my spots are fading…I’m learning…I’m listening…I’m being…

Jane

Poetry in Motion…

Sometimes…just occasionally…not so often…I write poetry…I haven’t been in much of a writing mood today…so I dug this up for you…

Goodbye…

You will move on…

I will move on…

We will move…

In opposite directions…

At the same time…

Together…

But not quite…

Exactly…

        Jane

If You Give a Computer a Cookie…

Evidently…some things are unforgivable…or maybe it’s unforgettable…I’m not certain…all I know is it appears I will forever live with the consequences of…a moment’s poor judgment…AKA…The Cowsills…Hair…set as my jango.com default radio station…

I’m not sure what I was thinking…it’s been a couple of years since I found jango…just playing around…creating Hair…as my first station…

Turning on my work computer every morning to the sound of…She asked me why…I’m just a hairy guy…got old pretty quickly…

Now that I think about it…I didn’t love it that much when it was released in the sixties…either…geez…

Not a problem…I’d delete the station…there’s a button for that…I clicked it…it said it was gone…Norah Jones was my new default…smooth, bluesy jazz…nice way to start and end the day…

Until morning…when…it was Hair…all over again…

I can’t tell you how many times I have deleted Hair…and how many times it has shown up…like a stray dog at the back porch…every morning…

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to that being the first work sound I hear every morning…but…I still try again every so often…the insanity thing you know…

So…why won’t it go away…don’t ask me why…cause he don’t know…well…really I have a pretty good idea…our system at work has some pretty strict rules…no cookies…

Thankfully…it only applies to computers…not employees…next to pie…I like cookies just fine…

Beyond that…I don’t have a clue…and it makes no sense that it would take a cookie to delete a station…but…not to create one…so maybe I’m wrong…it doesn’t matter…I’m still starting out with an earful of Hair every morning…

Bertha says it’s a lot like some of my relationships…I don’t know what I was thinking…I was just playing around…I clicked delete…it won’t go away…the first thing I hear in the morning…geez…

Please…give it a cookie…make it go away…

Jane

Let My Printer Go…

My printer at work is old…this is my sixth year there…it wasn’t new when I came…it has gotten progressively cantankerous over the last year…the cartridge carriage sticks…it goes something like this…

I click print…the printer wakes up…it makes some noise…sounds like it’s flexing its muscles…a little yellow light comes on…a carriage stuck message pops on the screen…I open the cover…slide the carriage back and forth a bit…close the cover…press OK…it makes noise…flexes its muscles…the yellow light comes on…and we start over…

It’s frustrating…at times nerve wrecking…there is stuff I need to print…I don’t have time to be fiddling with the printer…over and over again…I dread printing anything…

And…yet…I still have the same printer…I’m going through the same routine…day after day…several times a day…

Why…

There are several reasons…the school system doesn’t have a ton of money…I hate to ask for a new printer…when technically mine still works…then…new printers quite often use different ink cartridges…I have a couple of spares…again…there’s the money thing…

Those are the practical reasons…and while they sound noble on paper…I fear that the true reasons are deeper than that…

It works part of the time…occasionally it works without a hitch…it gives me hope…next time…it will work…next time it won’t hang…next time will be printing bliss…

I clean it…I pray for it…I send it printer love…

Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t…

There’s a familiarity to the process…it’s what I’m used to now…click print…hold breath…wait…fidget…

It gives me something to whine about…I’m the martyr…I continue to deal with an aging printer for the good of the school system…essentially for the children…for education…for literacy everywhere…St. Jane of Printers…

Truth is…if I asked for a new printer…I would get one…I have even found a back-up in the Library…same model…same ink…but…I have no clue if it will work…it may have the same problem…it may be worse…

I haven’t switched yet…it’s sitting in my office…as I give my old one…just one more chance…several times a day…

And…while…that’s just a printer…I see a pattern from my life…

I remember past relationships…ones that continued beyond their time…the thoughts that went through my head…

I hate to let go…if there is even a glimmer of hope…no matter how bold the writing on the wall…it could change tomorrow…what if I let go a day too soon…what if I change...what if he does…it could happen…we could be happy…

Maybe…just maybe…it’s time to symbolically break that pattern…and replace the printer…take a chance…that the new one will be better than what I’ve had…

Yes...I think it is time…

Jane

Got Garbage…Never Mind…I’ll Figure It Out…

Garbage day…it’s the best day of the week…I mean…really…I’ve got this huge brown can…provided by the city…free…and I get to put all the stuff that I don’t want…that’s broken…used up…left over…trashed…in it…and roll it down to the curb…then someone just comes along and picks it all up and takes it away…

They don’t even make any comments…like…are you sure you wanna throw this away…or…there might still be a little shampoo in the bottom of this bottle…or…I can’t believe how wasteful you are…you should have eaten these potatoes before they became seeing-eye spuds…

No…they just take away whatever I leave for them…no judgments…no questions asked…

So think about it…what if I could do that in other areas of my life…what if I could shake my head over the garbage can…and all those thoughts that don’t serve me…would tumble out and jump on the truck…

What if a truck would come along and clean up those relationships that need to be kicked to the curb…now…wouldn’t that be nice…no leave your sweater and take my cat…just send in a big truck…and it’s all cleaned up…

Literally…take this job and shove it…in the can…the truck’ll take it away…

Kids acting up…quick…get them in the can…I hear the truck down the street…hmmm…I think there’s room for the entire third grade in there…

Surely I jest…that’s a bit flip…even for me…but…I do admit…there are times when I wish it were so easy…

Then…Bertha…reminds me…that no sooner do I get the big can down to the street…than I am putting something else in the kitchen trash…and by the time the truck gets here…my household can is often overflowing…

She says it’s the same way with life…there’s always something to clean up…little irritations…frustrations…it’s ongoing…

Tossing an empty tissue box…into my no longer empty garbage can…I know she’s right…well…we knew she was gonna be…hello…we are talking about Bertha…

And...even though I whine…quite honestly…I don’t think life would be very interesting…or fun…if I could dump everything…every one…as easily as yesterday’s newspaper…

Figuring it out…making it work…that’s what gives life it’s spark…so…while I am eternally grateful for the garbage truck taking away my household trash…I’m glad they leave the other stuff for me to figure out…well…most of it anyway…but…if you see me headed in your direction…pushing a big brown can…you might want to run the other way…

Jane

Showing Up

Bertha says I need to share some of my older stuff…stuff I’ve never shared…even with the one it was written to…because sharing is healing for me and for you…

I know I had some pretty raw dreams last night, knowing that I would be posting this today. Dreams that revealed yet another layer within my heart that wants to heal…Bertha says that is a good thing…and I know it is and will be when the rawness subsides…here goes…

My ring is engraved…love life…be brave…and I wonder…do I really love life…and am I brave at all…what does it mean to be brave…does it mean more than just showing up…or is showing up the bravest thing of all…sometimes it is the hardest thing to do…to show up…to be present when there’s a pain in my heart…or a knot in my gut…just showing up…smiling…touching…healing… hearing… caring…can sometimes be overwhelming…but that’s showing up at its finest.

I never meant to hurt you…and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me either…and yet we have hurt each other on many occasions…I tend to think that I’m justified…when I look at what you did to me…like a small child…he started it…he looked at me funny…and as I tell the kids…SOOOOOOOO…that doesn’t meant that you can do something back…take the high road…turn the other cheek…it seems more noble when I’m telling the kids what to do…

I said I love you…and I think I do…but I have sold you short so many times…how can that be love…how can that be honor…it’s easy to believe the worst in you…because it’s easy to believe that I deserve the worst from you…and that’s not exactly true either…I’m not sure what it is…maybe it’s easier to write about chocolate…

Smooth and creamy…sweet and dark…satisfying…

I want to see your goodness…I want to see mine as well…right now…I’m not so sure about me…but I don’t want to get stuck there…I want to work through all this…I want to come out on the other side…stronger… whole…healthy…and I hope we make it there together…I’m not sure if we will or not…but I know that I have to go regardless…I have to face the ugly truth…and the beautiful truth…and embrace both of them…I have to move forward…I have to…there isn’t a choice…well…I guess there is always a choice…but I don’t want to stay where I am…alone…afraid…so I’ll take the journey…

There is so much I want to tell you…and I’m so afraid…afraid that you will reject me…but…we have nothing now…no trust…no tenderness…so what do we have to lose…

Jane