Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I’m Dreaming of a Blue Christmas…Not…

Seems everywhere I turn…someone is playing Christmas music…well…it is the season…but lots of it is just plain tragic…love gone bad…mama going to meet Jesus…it makes me sad to listen to it…so…unless forced to…tied…gagged and bound…I don’t…I have changed radio stations in the past because they only played Christmas music seemingly from Labor Day through New Year’s…
Personally…I like the happy songs…the ones that make you feel good all over…like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer…now who wouldn’t feel good while listening to that…my whole family loves it…even Grandma…
Some of my other funny favs include…
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas…hello…Hippo Hero…glad you’re a vegetarian…
The Chimney Song…there’s something stuck up in the chimney…and I don’t know what it is…makes me glad I don’t have a fireplace…
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen…now…I can’t sit in comfort and joy…love the play on words…who thinks up these songs…oh…Bob Rivers…
Santa Claus in Watching You…remember when Clyde the camel replaced Rudolph who dislocated his hip in a twist contest…
I know…I know…I’m weird…but…to me…sad Christmas music is like somebody telling me that I’ve gained weight…and we all know how that feels…okay…some of you don’t know…so let me just tell you…it feels crummy…I am aware of the weight…hello…I have a mirror…
Same difference with the songs…I’m aware of all the sad things that happen around Christmas…people who are lonely…people who are sad over the loss of a loved one…I don’t want to be reminded of it in my songs…
I want peace on earth…good will to men and women…I want hope…and love…and a warm fuzzy feeling…
Somehow…crazy mixed up Christmas songs do that for me…but…even them in small doses…
Bertha says that’s a part of living my truth…finding what makes me happy and embracing it…finding what makes me sad…and letting it go…whether it’s thoughts or music…it really doesn’t matter…
So…I listen to a station that plays the occasional Christmas song…and if it’s one that brings blue thoughts…I turn down the volume…easy peasy…
Jane

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Ghosts of Mistakes Past…

Just when I think I may have it all together…may have laid the ghosts of mistakes past to rest…they come back to haunt me…I was journaling about this over the weekend…you know the stuff that I write that you aren’t supposed to read…and yet…sometimes you peek in anyway…funny how that happens
I know I’ve mentioned this before…but for me…writing is the way that I work things out…it’s like I write until I finally hear myself…or the voice of Bertha…and this was no exception…the funny thing is…I didn’t want to explore this situation…I was antsy…and I kept doing all kinds of goofy things…like reading someone else’s blog…not nearly as good as mine…but I digress…checking e-mail…turning the heater on and off…lighting a candle…blowing it out…
You get the picture…I was avoiding myself…but…my heart kept saying…write…listen…write…listen…and so finally…I did…I’m sharing this with you…becauseBertha told me to
This is a clip from the middle of the writing…it took me awhile and some pretty boring stuff to get there…but…that’s how the process works…here goes…
I said…
I know…I’m on a path…and I am taking the steps…availing myself of the opportunities that are coming to me…and yet…I am becoming more insecure as I walk along…
Bertha replied…
That means that you have found the place that wants to be healed…it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong…or that you are in the wrong place…it is part of the path…to clear the debris out of the way…there are logs and branches and leaves that have long been blocking your path…
By walking your path again…you have exposed these obstacles at a time when you are ready…and able to heal them…to change the energy…to build a fire with the old wood…it will burn very quickly now…
You have been seeing this as a negative…and it isn’t…it is a positive…you are now able to remove the logs…to remove the branches…to remove the damp leaves…to clear the path…and now…you will be successful at this…
Do a visualization…see yourself walking the path…see yourself removing the logs…sticks…branches…and leaves…build a huge brush fire…and watch them burn into nothing…the ash that is left will nourish the soil…
I have to tell you that I did the visualization last night…and it was powerful…
This morning…Bertha reminded of my walk in the park yesterday…and how the path was strewn with acorns…leaves…twigs…sticks…and that if I had cleaned them all away…some new ones would fall…not all at once…but bit by bit…
She says this is how it is in my life…it’s not like I can clear the path and it will always stay clear…new things will come up…I’ll need to clear again…and again…and that’s okay…that’s the way it is supposed to be…or the leaves wouldn’t fall…
Jane

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Gambler in the Garden…

Just before the frost
Jack Frost has nipped on the noses of my garden plants…so I was thinking it would be the perfect time to cut back my hydrangeas…well…the leaves have fallen off…and the blooms are dead…it seemed like the thing to do…just as I was about to snip…I noticed all these little bud thingies…hmm…maybe I should wait…maybe I should Google…
So Google I did…and…as you probably already know…you’re such a smarty plants…you don’t prune hydrangeas in the fall…their blooms are already setting for the spring…if I had cut them back…it would have been a bloomless spring and summer…
Of course…Bertha related this to life…like she does with everything…actually she said Kenny Rogers said it best…you got to know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em…know when to walk away…and…know when to run…
(She’s always had a crush on him…ever since she saw him and Dolly in concert back in the 80’s…shhh…here she comes…don’t tell her I told you…)
So…while Fall is the perfect time to prune my roses…I’ll leave the hydrangeas alone…well…I did lop just the blooms off…short stems…no buds…but…that is allowable…
And maybe Bertha and Kenny are on to something…maybe life is all about knowing when to hold on and when to let go…whether it’s playing cards…pruning the garden…hanging out in a relationship...or a job…raising our children...or sharing an opinion…
Hmmm…something to think about…think I’ll contemplate in the garden for a change…I have a perfect thinking rock right next to a hydrangea bush…just for that purpose…
Jane

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Celebrated Tennis Shoe Tree of Cherokee, Alabama…

We were traveling to Memphis a few years back…minding our own business…when Bertha started to yelp and shout…pointing to the side of the road…and there it was…in all its glory…The Celebrated Tennis Shoe Tree of Cherokee, Alabama


Click on the picture for a better view.
 
As you can imagine…nothing could be more exciting for a couple of confirmed shoe freaks…than finding a tree sporting dozens of pairs…right out in the middle of the country…
Bertha says it’s the shoe lover’s equivalent of Mecca…she actually gets misty-eyed when we drive by…and…yes…we usually have to stop so she can pay reverence to the latest pumps, brogans, moccasins, high-tops…low-tops…and baby booties…
There’s even one pair of purple high-heels whose origins I have my suspicions about…but I’m not asking…and she’s not telling…
Now…this isn’t going to be one of those heavy blogs…the only contemplation needed here is…how did that first pair of sneakers get in that tree…did the tree suddenly sprout them…did someone throw their shoes out the window of a speeding car…was it an initiation prank…and why that particular tree…there are thousands of trees along that stretch of road…
In searching for answers…enquiring minds and all that stuff…I still love Google...I found that there are similar trees all across the country…most of them are considered to be landmarks…some are even tourist attractions…who knew…but mostly their origins were just as mysterious as ours…
Well…Bertha says…some questions are best unanswered anyway…let everyone form their own opinion…hers is…drumroll…please…they fell out of Santa’s sleigh…and the elves are busy making more for this year...
Jane

Saturday, November 26, 2011

What's in Your Belly?

They say there’s a book inside all of us…don’t you just love they…and how they seem to know everything about everything?
Honestly…this time…I think they are correct…well…maybe not a whole book…maybe just a blog or two…but…I do believe that there is an almost universal need to express ourselves in writing…it’s just hard to get started sometimes…to make that first keystroke…to put the first idea on paper…
One of the things that I find helpful is to work with a prompt…and develop it in different ways…just to get the creative juices started…you can get your prompt from almost anything…a headline in a newspaper…randomly opening a book and pointing to a sentence…or…I really like to just come up with a phrase…and develop it several ways…
I recently did…the playground was empty…and this was the result…
The playground was empty except for two mangy dogs and an even mangier kid, Alexis. Her name was much more regal than she herself, although, she could be called the queen of misfits. I shook my head and turned from the playground to the direction of my car.
or
The playground was empty. All the kids were home with their bicycles or video games. Now was the perfect opportunity and I was taking it. Quietly, quickly, I strode across the lawn in the direction of the monkey bars. And then there I was The Amazing Swinging Principal oblivious to all around me when two of my fourth grade tough guys came swooping across the playground on their two-wheelers. Busted.
or
The playground was empty. Well, almost empty, there was those six inches of snow that blanketed everything. I felt a little guilty for disrupting the stillness with my footprints but the snow continued to fall. They would be covered soon enough and I didn’t have time to go around.
Okay…here’s the challenge…take the prompt…write your own blip…post it as a comment if you’d like…I’d love to read it…it’s a great way to get started…and I’m here to tell you…a book on the bookshelf…looks way better than a book in your belly…I know…I think I have about 15 of them in mine…and they ain’t pretty…if you know what I mean…
Jane

Friday, November 25, 2011

Of Mice and Kings...

I’m sitting at the desk and I’m writing…and it isn’t even going in a blog…well…it might…things like that do happen…but who knows…maybe…just maybe…I’m just writing because I want to…because it’s morning…because I have coffee…because…I can…
And…isn’t that freeing…there doesn’t have to be a purpose for everything…the house doesn’t have to be cleaned just for company…the china doesn’t have to be saved for holiday dinners…the good underwear can be worn everyday…well…not every day…but…as often as it is clean…mine’s in the dryer now…TMI…sorry…
Ahh…that saving it for someday…I’ve been doing it all my life…that and it’s cousin…waiting for someday…
I came by it honestly…I remember my Granny…we used to give her nightgowns for Christmas…and she’d put them away…never wear them…save them…in case she had to go to the hospital…she died at age 97 or 98…having only been in the hospital maybe three times in her whole life...with a drawer full of…really-oldbrand-new…nightgowns…
That reminds me of a story in Bertha-Size Your Life called Mouse Ears…Bertha…on her way to Disney…is already sporting her mouse ears…when I ask her why…she says something to the effect of…to wait until she gets there to start to have fun…is the waste of a 12-hour trip
That must be what she’s trying to tell me today…since I had no idea what I was going to write about when I sat down here…
She’s reminding me that life is too long…and boring…and unhappy…when I put off having fun until I get there…wherever or whatever there may be…
Okay…I get it…I’m headed to Memphis for the day…do ya’ll think the King will like my mouse ears…
Then again…I wouldn’t want to mess them up…maybe I should save them for my next trip to Orlando…
Bertha…stop hitting me on the head with the mouse ears…now you are gonna mess them up…geez…what is your problem…
Jane

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Do the Trot…Do the Turkey Trot…

Jennifer in the Let's Get Sauced shirt...2011
There’s a phenomena sweeping our county this very morning…the annual Turkey Trot…actually trots…because they are everywhere…I have a daughter participating in one in Memphis…another near Orlando…a friend in Pennsylvania…


And while the logistics of the races probably differ…the purpose is pretty much the same…run a 3 or 5K…so you can eat a delightful Thanksgiving dinner…with less guilt…
Personally…I’ve never participated…considered walking it last year…but my achy, breaky body wasn’t in the mood…so I minded the turkey in the oven instead…oh…and I took the post-race picture…Let’s Get Sauced…clever slogan…don’t cha think?
I didn’t take the pre-race photo of Sarah and the girls in their turkey caps that she made them…look closely…those round things over the ears are actually drum sticks…
Sarah with Megan and Bailey pre-race 2011
All this festivity makes me want to participate…of course…we aren’t having one close by…that I know of…but it’s okay…Bertha says…I don’t have to Turkey Trot to get a bit of exercise…and she’s right…it’s supposed to be a beautiful day…a walk in the sunshine might be nice…and what a wonderful time to contemplate all the things that I am truly thankful for…


 Happy Thanksgiving…one and all…
Jane




Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sweet Potatoes…The Rest of the Story…

Funny thing happened on the way to yesterday’s blog…it changed directions…writing has a way of doing that…it just takes on a life of its own…and you never know where it’s going to take you…
But…yesterday…I did…I had written the piece a few years ago…I knew where it was going…it was strictly a humor piece…concluding with my husband becoming my once-husband…(I really don’t like the term ‘ex’…it sounds like a math equation I need to solve…so…I’ve decided he will be my once-husband)…now I have way digressed…
It concluded with my once-husband requesting and receiving the sweet potato recipes…well…here is how it ended…
But…the story doesn’t end there…not so many years later…the marriage itself ended…seems as though my sweet potatoes were the only thing he liked about me…and can you believe it…he had the gall to ask for the recipes…and can you believe it…I was dumb enough to give them to him…well…I told you…I’m not good under pressure…I caved…
Not much later…when there was a replacement wife…I regretted my decision…I entertained all sorts of nasty notions of what they could do with those yams…no…not that kind of nasty notions…where is your mind…geez…until my precious children told me that hers were never as good as mine…
Somehow that did…and still actually does…bring me pleasure…because…as they all say…
Revenge is…Sweet…Potato!
I don’t know what came over me as I retyped the story…maybe it was all the forgiveness prayers I’ve been doing…maybe it was Bertha playing on the keyboard…I don’t know…but it changed…it softened…suddenly I understood Mama…I wanted to add something else to the ending…but my fingers just wouldn’t type it…that was what needed to be said…
Last night my daughter…precious children…do tell you what you need to know…said that she would have added to it…she would have added…that no one remembers it that way…they all talk about my delicious sweet potatoes…they talk about good memories…about my kindness…what I recall as a Revolution…is not even brought up as a skirmish…
Which brings me to something that I’ve always known…there is my memory…there is your memory…and there is the truth…and somehow…the blurring of the three together…is what truly makes life…Sweet…Potato!
Jane

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Great Sweet Potato Revolt of 1981

Once upon a time…I was married into a delightful family…it was a family steeped in rich traditions…filled with love and laughter most of the time…but…sometimes…as with all families…things would go awry…this is an account of one such incident…it is with love and humor that I present…
The Great Sweet Potato Revolt of 1981
I was minding my own business…but then again…that’s usually when I get in the most trouble…I was simply a young wife and mother…looking for creative, delicious ways to cook my husband’s favorite food…sweet potatoes…
Unfortunately for me…I found them…in fact…he used to call me his Sweet Potato Queen…way before the books came out…I promise…but…I digress…
We rocked along just fine for a while…enjoying several palate tempting sweet potato creations…it was marital bliss…until that fated Thanksgiving 1981…
We always did Thanksgiving with his family…and this year his Mother was quite ill…so she decided to farm out some of her traditional dishes to the lesser cooks in the family…AKA…me…so in addition to my customary deviled eggs…I was given the sweet potato assignment…including the precise recipe to follow…
No problem…I could do that…except for hubby…over the years…sitting at our dinner table…smacking his lips…he had crossed an invisible line…the line that dreams and nightmares are made of…he liked mine better than his Mama’s…and he chose now to share this with his family…
I tried to talk reason with him…but…no…he told his Mama that I would be bringing my recipe for the holidays…
The Revolt had started…Ma Bell’s lines were abuzz with sisters and sister-in-laws calling…did you hear that Jane…get that…it was now Jane who wanted to do this…that Jane wants to bring her sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving instead of Mama’s…
I’m sure there were a lot of things said…the gist of which was…she’s trying to ruin Thanksgiving!
And so it went…lines were drawn…confrontation followed…b-b-b-u-u-u-t-t-t…was about all I ever got to say…and the day was drawing closer…hubby continued to insist on his way…Mama on hers…I caved…for the only Thanksgiving in their family history…we had two sweet potato dishes…HIS and HERS
I don’t think Mama tried the imposters…although…some of the rest of them did…but that really wasn’t the important thing…the important thing is…I had broken their tradition…whether I had done so maliciously or not…I had done it…
Mama passed away the next summer…probably without ever forgiving me...I didn’t really understand that at the time…but…the older I get…the more I understand about tradition…and family…and just trying to keep things the way they have been…when everything is changing…
Jane

Monday, November 21, 2011

All I Want for Christmas…Is a Day on the Couch…

I’m sort of a sucker for sappy Christmas movies…and they’ve already started…so…I’ve spent a rainy Sunday afternoon…on the sofa…with a blanket…watching movies…
That almost sounds decadent…there are so many things I could have been doing…should have been doing…or…are there…
Sometimes…what I really need is a break…a time to dream…to believe in the magic of Christmas…in the magic of love…of family…of home…it’s just that I don’t always give myself permission to do it…
So…today…I did…I gave myself full permission…nothing else I needed to do…it’s a short work week…all I really had to do was…just lie there…glued to the TV…
The funny thing is…once I sincerely gave myself permission to omit the to-do list…it no longer seemed so daunting…and little by little…things started to happen during commercials…soup was made…the kitchen was cleaned…the floor was swept…
And I’ve still kept up with the movies…and yes…Christmas is saved every time…just in the Nick of time…by Santa’s daughter…that seemed to be a theme for the day…
Now…the blog is written…the coffee pot is ready for an early morning wake-me-up…and I’m going back to the sofa…until heading for bed…couldn’t have asked for a better afternoon…
Jane

Sunday, November 20, 2011

True Confessions…of a Clothes Horse…

They say…confession is good for the soul…well then…my soul is gonna be better for this…so here goes…
It started the first day of first grade…I wore shorts…cute little lime green shorts with a matching plaid top that had a metallic thread…yes…I remember in that much detail…I also remember that all the other little girls had on dresses…
Thus started the…what am I gonna wear…obsession…maybe you know how it goes…
Ring…ring…you wanna go out with a bunch of us on Thursday?
Ah…um…sure…what’ll ya’ll be wearing?
And it’s a double edged sword…not only do I want to blend in…I want to look good…the only thing is…it doesn’t matter how many clothes I have hanging in my closet…I never seem to have exactly what I think I should wear…if I have the funds…I buy something new…but…quite often I go…feeling uncomfortable…ill at ease…because I don’t think I have on just the right thing…
If a mere evening out with friends puts me in a dizzy…imagine what major events do…a date…well…haven’t had to worry about that one in a while…but…it would definitely require a new outfit…a speaking engagement…always cries out for a new outfit…even if they’ve never seen me before
So…I shouldn’t have been surprised when my friend Edie Galley asked to interview me for her radio show…that my first concern was…what should I wear…not…what am I gonna say
Just for the record…the interview is done over the phone…no one…not one single person could see me…but…I was very authorish…in black leggings…long, black bubble top…and purple ballerina flats…silver jewelry completed the ensemble…my hair and makeup were nicely done…my legs were clean shaven…and my toenails were freshly painted…
Now…you may be thinking that this means I’m insecure…not sure I’m gonna fit in…and I believe you’d be right…you’re getting as smart as Bertha…who of course has something to say about this…
She says it’s another layer of living my truth…of feeling good about who I am…regardless of how I…or anyone else is dressed…it’s about buying clothes that I love…that speak to me…and just knowing that I’ll fit in wherever I do…and if I don’t…it’s not the clothes holding me back…
This one…is gonna take some more time in the contemplation chair…hmmm…wonder what I should wear…
Gotcha!
Jane

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Swallowing Lye...

If it burns going down…it burns coming back up…I’ll never forget those words I was told as a young nurse…caring for a child who had swallowed lye...well-meaning parents had made the child vomit…which had doubled the damage...
Those words have stuck with me for over 30 years…could be because Bertha keeps whispering them to me…reminding me that…sometimes…things hurt just as much…if not more…coming back up…as they did going down…
According to Bertha…memories of painful events…can be just as caustic as the most powerful poison…
She says if an event was painful when it happened…it’s just as painful…causes just as much damage…every time you bring it back up and share it…even if it’s only to remember it…
That’s why it’s important to know the proper antidote…for swallowing lye…it’s usually drinking milk…for painful life events…it’s usually forgiveness…
I wish it were something easier…for the memories…that is…I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when someone hurts my feelings…I want to tell the world…justify my feelings…prove I was right…they were wrong…
I find it even harder to turn off my brain…I’m like a cow chewing her cud…I keep bringing it up time and time again…
But…she’s right…every time I bring that slight back up…I feel like crap all over again…and if I’m sharing it with another…they don’t feel so good either…
Sometimes…I’m just not ready to forgive…I’m really angry…I’m really hurt…I want to smolder…but…I’m only harming myself…the longer I hold on to the pain…the more damage is done…
That’s when she reminds me of the forgiveness prayer…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…said to my spirit…not to the other person…
It’s all about forgiving inside of me first…it’s all about loving me…the resulting feeling of love can then flow to the other person…or not…forgiveness really isn’t about healing them…it’s about healing me…
I wish I could say I am really good at this…that I never bring up old pain…but…I do…to myself…and others…just not so much as I once did…so…I am getting better at forgiving and letting go…
Honestly in the scheme of things…forgiveness is easier for me than drinking milk…just saying…
Jane

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Pox upon You…Really?

I know…I know…I’m working on it…we talked about it recently…trusting another person to make the best decisions for her life…based on her life experiences…hopes and dreams…trusting her heart…I said I would do it…it sounded easy enough…
And it sounded so good when my friend was doing that for me…it’s just that…it’s hard to not roll my eyes…and say…people…what are you thinking…I would NEVER do that…when I hear about some things…
Case in point…did you know that there is such a thing as a Chicken Pox Party…where people take their well children to mingle with kids with active Chicken Pox…in the hopes that they will contract the disease…and not require immunizations…
(I wish I’d known about them when we had to cancel my daughter’s third birthday party because she broke out in pops the day after I mailed the invitations…I could have billed it a whole ‘nother way…and maybe charged admission…)
But it gets even better…say you live too far away to attend a party…there are people who have their virus shedding young’uns…lick suckers…and mail them…at $50 a pop…to well kids…again for the purpose of giving them the disease…
(By the way…Chicken Pox is airborne…and swapping slobber is not the best way of catching it…but there are a lot of other diseases…that can be easily transmitted that way…a little strep…hepatitis…you know…minor things…)
Now…thankfully…this practice is being curtailed…some federal agencies have gotten involved…because…it’s illegal to mail diseases…think Homeland Security…white powder…anthrax…hello
So here I am…eyes rolling…exasperated…my inner nurse coming out all over the place…what were you thinking…children die from complications of Varicella…it ain’t no laughing matter
Thankfully…Bertha is here to give me additional perspective…
There is a reason that this Mama feels strongly against immunizations…she doesn’t have the same medical background that I have…she’s had experiences that I haven’t had…immunizations have been linked…rightly or wrongly…with severe complications…this Mama is doing what she sincerely believes is best for her child…
Bertha…I love you…I know you are right…but…I’m really struggling with this one…not with the legality of it…we know…it’s illegal…but with trusting her heart…when it appears so different from mine…
Maybe it would be different if I knew her…understood where she’s coming from…maybe…
It’s gonna take some more time in the contemplation chair to get this all straight…
Jane

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Soapboxing...

Most of you already know that Bertha is the character in my book…and my inner voice of wisdom…she just thinks she’s real…I don’t have the heart to tell her differently…and I doubt she’d listen…if I did…she’s usually way too busy telling me what to do…
Not so long ago…I mentioned that I wasn’t even going to attempt something because I just wasn’t good at that kind of thing…
I’m not even certain now what it was about…could have been a lot of things from plumbing…think Red Devil drain cleaner melting the pipes and eating the kitchen floor…then botching the pipes…and then calling the plumber…to baking a cake…who knew that the reason the pound cake recipe didn’t call for self-rising flour was because the eggs made it rise…in my defense…I was only in college at the time
Anyway…the words weren’t even out of my mouth good before Bertha had jumped on a soapbox and proclaimed…
Girlfriend…get over who you were…and be who you are…
She went on to rant and rave…I mean…explain…that we all have regrets…and feelings of limitations that stem from past events and beliefs…the trick is to let go of the past…move into the future…and claim our own personal power…
What can I say…Bertha sure packs a one-two punch…when she soapboxes…if you know what I mean…and…I know I must have been inspired to give whatever it was a try…that’s the only way to get her to shut up
And…since I haven’t called a plumber…or cleaned cake drippings out of the oven elements…it must have worked…
Jane

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Gray is the Old Brown...

I ran into my hairdresser tonight…okay…I didn’t really run into her like with the car or anything…I just saw her at an event…geez…you are picky today…
Anyway…I’m really a week past needing a cut…I’m sure she was aware of my shagginess…but she never said a word…she’s nice like that…
Pineapple...hot off the clippers!
In fact there are a lot of things I like about her…tops on the list is the way she cuts my hair…except for that one head shaving she gave me before my surgery last year…she said I looked like a pineapple…and yes…I asked for it…but I digress…
I also really appreciate…that she never makes snide remarks about my gray…
And we aren’t talking a strand here…a stray hair there…we’re talking full head of…‘looks like Mama on Mama’s Family’…gray…
I’d like to say that I am one of those women…who decided to age gracefully…to be exactly the way the good Lord made me…but that ain’t exactly so…
I’m scrapy…I put up a fight…
I saw the first gray strays in my early thirties…I highlighted with a vengeance…in my forties…it took the heavy-duty all over stuff…the only problem was…my hair really didn’t take to color very well…
I’d spend an hour or so in the salon…getting it just the perfect shade of light brown…only to have gray temples and a strange shade of orangish-gold everywhere else within a week…
I’m also blessed with rapidly growing hair…which was truly a blessing when I look liked a pineapple…on the other hand…I always had those bright, shining roots…AKA…it didn’t take a hairdresser to know…did I or didn’t I…everyone knew that I did…and I needed to…
So…a couple of years ago…after careful consideration…I took the plunge…I went gray…
Honestly…most of the time I’m happy with the results…

But if the truth were told…I would rather have light brown hair…
I’d rather look like I’m thirty…I’d rather weigh less…sag less…ache less…just to start the list…
Unfortunately…the truth of the matter is…I look like a fifty-something…I need to lose a few…okay…a bunch…that skin ain’t going to be taunt again…and the aches…oh well…that’s why they make heating pads…
But…you know…I’m happy…I’m content with my life…I like who I am…I like how I am…gray hair and all…the pounds, wrinkles, and aches…I deal with…it’s all part of being me…of growing older…and hopefully wiser…
Maybe I am becoming one of those women who decided to age gracefully after all…who knew…
Jane

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Throwing Sticks...

Once upon a time…I was visiting a friend’s lake house…sitting on the deck in the sunshine was the perfect place for writing…and I was enjoying the solitude…
Until…
I heard splashing and barking coming from the neighbor’s pier…it was Annie…their black lab…and she was having a grand ole time…swimming in and out from under the pier…
Without really meaning to…I stopped my work and started watching…Annie swam a bit…then walked on shore…grabbed a stick…and headed down the pier…
She stopped at the end of the pier and chose just the right spot…then threw the stick into the water…after watching it float for a bit…she jumped in after it…then…she caught it…let it go…and caught it again…she swam it under the pier…and back out again…then headed for shore…
And then…she did it all again…and again…and again…
Sometime during all of the stick throwing and fetching…Bertha showed up…we’d been talking about what it means to feel good earlier…and she said that if I really wanting to know what it meant…I had to look no further…because…Annie sure knew how to feel good…of course she expounded on that at bit…
Really feeling good is when you don’t need anyone or anything else to be happy…when you can throw your own stick…just because it feels good to swim with it…now…that’s feeling good!
It’s been a few years…since that day at the lake…but…ever since then…whenever I start to whine…about being bored…or unhappy…Bertha just hands me a stick…and tells me to go throw it…
Sometimes…I throw it at her…and she’s right…it really does feel good…
Jane

Monday, November 14, 2011

Of Lies and Casseroles...

Oh what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive—Sir Walter Scott
Bertha and I are still discussing living our truth…and how that affects our life…so opportunities to learn more and go deeper keep showing up.
I recently read that any time we tell a lie…no matter how teeny, tiny…white…or innocent it seems…that we are manipulating the other person…
I argued with it…don’t remember where I read it…but I do remember arguing with it…it of course won…with Bertha’s help…the argument went something like this…
Me…I don’t tell big lies…(it’s true…I don’t)…and I only tell the itty-bitty ones because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…
Bertha…why don’t you want to hurt their feelings…
Me…well…they’re my friends…I don’t want to make them feel bad…they might get mad at me…they might not like me anymore…or…I’m embarrassed about something I did…they might think I’m foolish…they might not like me anymore…
Bertha…and…don’t you see that is actually manipulating them…only saying things you think they want to hear…so they will like you…
Me…OMG…you’re right…I’m not only a liar…I’m a manipulator…
Bertha…let’s don’t get carried away…let’s just say you were misguided…
Me…exhale…(I’ve been waiting to do that)…
Bertha went on to talk hypothetically about having lunch at a friend’s…and trying out her newest recipe…which is totally unpalatable…but when she asks how it is…saying it’s…tasty…delicious…yummo…thinking I’ve spared her feelings…she still likes me…she’ll have me over for lunch again…
And she does…but she always serves that same dish…because she thinks it is my favorite…then I would start making excuses not to go…and that might hurt her feelings…and she might not have me over for lunch again…
Bertha also points out…that it could also go another way…she could take my approval as the go ahead to make the dish for someone else…thinking mother-in-law…garden club…potluck…eventually…somebody’s gonna tell her the truth…she’ll be humiliated…and she’ll know I lied…and probably won’t like me so much…probably won’t have me over for lunch again…hmmm…
So…Bertha and I are still trashing out living our truth…and being our authentic self…there seem to be a lot of layers…like peeling an artichoke…spiny leaves on the outside…followed by a big hairy mess…until finally…if you keep peeling…you reach the sweet heart of the matter…
I’ll take mine with butter…lemon…and just a hint of garlic…would you like the recipe…maybe I’ll ask you for lunch…
Jane

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Housework...a Fine Science...

Bertha and I have been talking about Physics lately…and how it relates to my life…particularly…cleaning house…she dug up my old college notes…who knew I was really gonna use any of that stuff…anyway…here’s what she pointed out…
First there was…Newton’s First Law of Motion…it goes like this…a couch potato will remain a couch potato…unless motivated by an outside force…(AKA…Bertha’s boot in the bootie…knocking her off the sofa)…but…once the potato is moving…she will continue moving…unless motivated by another outside force…(AKA…something really good on TV…phone call…snack…good book…bird flying by the window)…
That made a lot of sense to me…and…yes…that’s the exact definition…well…these were my notes…I may have summarized…
Next there was the Law of Random Disproportion…which I can’t find when I Google…probably should have listened better…maybe one of you Physics majors can help me out with that…oh…you don’t read my blog…hmmm…
Anyway…right name or not…it basically said that…it takes less energy for the potato to keep her house neat…than to straighten it when it’s really messy…
And lastly there was something called…Entropy…The Second Law of Thermodynamics…that basically says the potato’s house really wants to be messy…and no matter how many times the potato tidies it…it’s gonna be messy again in seconds…especially if the potato has several little spuds running around…
So basically…here’s the deal…the potato…is gonna lie on the couch…until something motivates her to clean…then once cleaning…she will keep cleaning…until something motivates her to stop…hopefully in the vicinity of the couch…cleaning would be a whole lot easier if the potato could be motivated to clean frequently…but it really doesn’t matter…‘cause the house really wants to be messy anyway…
Well…I think that says it all…now…am I feeling motivated...no...but I suddenly want French Fries…hmmm…
Jane

Saturday, November 12, 2011

To Kiss a Frog...

I admit it…my mind goes in funny circles sometimes…okay…all the time…geez…but…it’s just that words catch my attention…they make me curious…they invite me to stop what I’m doing and play with them…
So it’s no wonder that the expression…warts and all…grabbed hold of me yesterday…sending my imagination out for a stroll…
Where did this rather odd expression come from…I know what it means…take me as I am…the good…the bad…the ugly…I’m not going to pretend…not for you…not for anyone…but…who said it first…
Could it have been the Frog…about to be kissed by the Princess…or the less attractive Princess who said it to the Frog…maybe she’d gotten the warts from kissing all those other frogs…while looking for the magical one…
Or…maybe it was a green-faced witch…meeting a blind date at the door…but that was gonna send me in another direction…why do we think witches always have warts on their noses…hmmm…
I could tell this getting out of control…so I did the sensible thing…I Googled…and surely enough…it was there…no frogs…no princesses…no witches…
The phrase is attributed to Oliver Cromwell…who in the 1600’s instructed an artist to paint him as he was…warts and all…seems as though airbrushing of celebs was popular even back then…

Oliver Cromwell

Now I’m wondering…if they were airbrushing…what did those Rubens chicks really look like…and it ain’t pretty…but I digress…
Back to Oliver…and a big thank you for being brave enough…to step out there and be yourself…for having the self-confidence to not succumb to the vanity of the times…and be portrayed exactly how you were…
But…I have to ask…how did you get that big wart on your chin…did you kiss a frog…it’s okay if you did…I’ve kissed a few myself…
Jane

Friday, November 11, 2011

By the Dawn's Early Light

The original Star-Spangled Banner
I think it was 1988 when I had my Star-Spangled experience…my husband and I were riding along the Potomac at daybreak…he wanted to take pictures of the monuments in that light…
As I looked across the river…morning mists still rising…I could suddenly feel the battle…I could see what Francis Scott Key saw…I felt the anticipation…and exhilaration…as he quickly penned our National Anthem once he could indeed see the flag still flying after a night of battle…
It was a moving…life changing experience…I’ve cherished that morning for over 20 years…until that time…I hate to admit…the phrase I mostly associated with the National Anthem was…Play Ball…at the end…
But…no more…I never hear it played that I don’t remember that morning…and the ghosts of battle I felt…
So you can imagine my chagrin this morning…as I did a little research for this blog…and I realized…that I should have paid more attention in History class…that battle was on the Chesapeake Bay…Baltimore, Maryland…not Washington, D.C…
Yup…that’s right…my National Anthem moment was totally misguided…
Or…was it…in that moment…I truly understood the importance of being an American…of the struggle and sacrifice made by so many others…mostly people I will never know…just so I have the privilege of being who I choose to be…
So…regardless of my historical faux pas…I want to thank the brave men and women…past and present…who have risked their lives to answer the question…Yes…Mr. Key…that star-spangled banner yet waves…o’er the land of the free…and the home of the brave
Jane

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Few Clouds Shy of a Sunrise…

I like to consider myself to be a connoisseur of fine sunrises…I have sampled some of the quainter vintages…cruise ship in the Mexican Caribbean…Red Rock Country, Arizona…but…my all-time favorite ones are those on the Redneck Caribbean…that’s right…Gulf Shores, AL.
Fine wine…requires the perfect balance of ingredients…it might be a wisp of cherries…and a velvety undertone of oak…
For sunrise…it’s simple…clouds…it take just the right amount of clouds…too few…and the sky just kind of turns light…too many…and…it just doesn’t show up…
Location matters…most discerning palates can tell the difference between French, California and Alabama grapes…some locations just have it…and some of them don’t…
Same with the sunrise…my current house…ain’t got it…love the house…but it just isn’t situated to give me glorious sunrises…but the boardwalk at Main Beach in Gulf Shores…primo…
When I lived there…I would walk at the beach most mornings before work…so I could enjoy the sunrise…there were usually just enough clouds…pale pink would start in the east…and then make its way across the entire beach to the west…getting brighter and deeper…until it reached the crescendo that I called…clouds on fire…
As you can imagine…there weren’t a tremendous amount of people sharing the boardwalk with me at that time of day…especially off-season…so I usually kept my safety radar on as I walked along…
One morning…I spotted him…sitting on a bench…facing the Gulf…middle-aged…balding…ponytail…looking like he’d frequented a few too many love-ins in the ‘60s…if you know what I mean…so you understand my hesitancy when he stopped me to ask when it would be sunrise…I was heading east…looking at a glorious sky…and said…any minute now…and hurried on…
The next day…you guessed it…he was there again…same scenario…he’s looking at the Gulf…asks me when it will be sunrise…I look at the beautiful eastern sky…and say…any minute now…
Third day…same thing…he’s sitting in the same place…looking at the Gulf…which is due south…and something about the way he asked this time…I realized that he was waiting for the sun to come up over the water…he hadn’t seen a single sunrise in three days…
You’ll be proud of me…I was very polite…did not roll my eyes…or laugh…but I did point to the eastern clouds of glory…and tell him that the sunrise was there…
But…I do remember thinking…or maybe it was Bertha whispering in my ear…it was there all alongyou just needed to turn your head…and then I wondered…or maybe she asked me…how often do I miss what I’m looking for…because I’m looking in the wrong direction…
Jane

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Listen to Your Heart...

Did you ever do something that you thought no one would understand…in fact…you felt like everyone would think you were crazy…and that you had done the exact opposite of what you should have done?
Well…I have…and no…I’m not gonna tell you what it was…you didn’t tell me…and yes…there have been many things…but this is about one in particular…geez…you interrupt more than Bertha…
Any way…it was one of those things that I just kept to myself…because I honestly didn’t think anyone would understand…I even thought they might be disappointed in me…or think me foolish…
So…it was with caution that I shared my action with a close friend…(yes…you…there in Mexico…drinking coffee)…and instead of being critical…even that criticism that we thinly disguise as concern…she said the most amazing thing…Jane…I trust your heart…I trust that you know what’s best for you
You could have knocked me over with a flamingo feather…no one had ever told me that they trusted me to know what was best for me…well…Bertha says she’s been trying to tell me that for years…I was just too busy listening to other people to hear her…hmmm…
The few other people I told…were much more clipped in their responses…they did refrain from eye rolling and tongue wagging…at least in my presence…but I knew they were thinking…she made a mistake…I don’t know why she did that…I would never have done that
And they probably wouldn’t have…but they weren’t me…and they didn’t have all my thoughts and feelings…hopes and dreams…and previous life experiences…that all played into my decision…
My friend’s response gave me much to think about…first…she was right…I had made the right decision…I did know what was best for me…I’m glad that I took the action…no regrets…
But it also reminded me of the times that I too have used my own narrow lens when viewing another’s actions/decisions…that I have thought…I would never have done that…instead of saying…Friend…I trust your heart…you know what’s best for you…and I am remorseful for that…
So in conclusion…I’d like to say…whatever you are dealing with…whatever timid actions you are taking…not knowing if you’ll have the support of your loved ones…listen carefully to your heart…and follow it…I trust your heart to know what’s best for you…and so should you
Jane

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Can You Keep a Secret?

I read Sarah Addison Allen’s The Peach Keeper this weekend…it’s one of those delicious books that makes me want to eat the words with a spoon…and then let them radiate out of me…like sunbeams through a prism…
It’s a soft book…about friendships and family…and home…and leaving and coming back…and staying…and love…of course there was love…and just the right amount of magic…
It’s not self-help…purely fictional…but her writing allows me to think outside of myself…and believe just a little differently…I feel floaty…(I know it’s not a word…but it’s how I feel)…like I know a secret…like I’m somebody I haven’t quite met yet…
I love the way she describes things…I do love words…I love seeing the world through her eyes…and reading the book has changed me…I’m not exactly sure how…but I know it did…all of her books do…
I suppose that is the magic…being transformed in such a gentle way…that you aren’t even totally aware that a change is taking place…or what it is going to be…until…one day it just is…and you just are…
Bertha says that’s the only way to change…in bits and pieces…dribs and drabs…floating…knowing a secret…just letting it happen…
And I know she’s right…I’ve tried the other way…beating myself over the head with a sledge hammer…much too drastic…much too painful…I’d rather feel floaty…like I know a secret…and now…you know the secret too…sssshhhhh...
Jane

Monday, November 7, 2011

It’s All About Moi…

For a couple of weeks…I’ve gotten angry every time I’d go outside…there…on the empty lot next door…encroaching on my property line…were the apparent parents and grandparents of the new crop of weeds in my dry creek…I fussed and fumed…it was their fault…these really weren’t my weeds…I shouldn’t have to pull them…and…I didn’t…
Bertha let me by with it for a while…evidently she was giving me enough rope…and then…surely enough…I hung myself…or she strung me up…it’s always hard to tell with us…
Yesterday…she reminded me of a scenario from the previous week…I witnessed a teacher ask a student to pick up some paper from under her desk…the student replied…it’s not mine…
I was all too quick to point out…that she wasn’t asked if it was her paper…she was asked to pick it up…which she reluctantly…(eye roll please)…did…
Bertha said that both situations reminded her of the ancient Hawaiian practice we’ve been studying called…Ho’oponopono…(pronounced just like it looks)…(she put on a lei and hula skirt for effect…not that I needed it…I was beginning to catch on…)
One of the basic premises is that…the individual is responsible for everything that shows up in their life
I have to say that I have had some difficulty with that one…but now…it suddenly made perfect sense…I may not have been responsible for the weeds…as in I caused them…but I am responsible for the weeds…because they are in my dry creek…and if I don’t do something about them…nobody will…
The student may not have put the paper under her desk…but once asked to pick it up…she was responsible to comply…
Therefore…I may not cause the actions of another person who makes me angry…but…once I am angry…I’m responsible for getting un-angry…for cleaning it up…
And in Ho’oponopono…that is done with the forgiveness prayer…it goes like this…
I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…
The cool thing is…you aren’t forgiving the other person…or asking the other person to forgive you…it’s all about you and the Divine within you…
It’s hard to explain…even for Bertha…and she’s now looking for some coconuts to make a top for her ensemble…so she probably won’t be any more help…
But…I can tell you that I feel relaxed, calm, and loved when I repeat the forgiveness prayer…I feel reconnected with God…in fact I make it my daily practice…I also repeat it if I get upset about anything…and I can actually feel the calmness return…
Oh…and for the record…I no longer have weeds in the dry creek…it really wasn’t such a bad job…it was a beautiful day to be outside…and after all…it was my responsibility…
Jane

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sir...Can You Spare a Minute...

I meant to do better…I had a plan…I’d save ten minutes of sunshine every day…just ten out of 780…that shouldn’t be so hard…I’d put them in a bottle…it would glow all winter…and yet…here we are…the time for Saving Daylight is over…my bottle is empty…and it’s dark…
The sad thing about it…I don’t even remember spending those minutes…I must have squandered them…geez…letting them slip out of my clock…one at a time…tick-tock…
Okay…not entirely true…I do remember many sun shimmering moments…some filled with things that I enjoyed…and others…not so much…it was an odd summer…spent recovering strength and stamina…with daily naps instead of bicycle rides…
At first I complained…whined most likely…that I was wasting my summer…my time off…I didn’t feel like doing the things that I really wanted to do…
Bertha…gently explained that time is never wasted…it is always spent doing something…it’s just that I miss out on what that something is…when I’m not paying attention…when I’m not living in that moment…when I’m thinking about the next one…or the one before…
She says it’s not about…saving time for the future…it’s all about truly experiencing the moment I’m in…
So…my sunshine bottle is empty…I’m thinking about filling it with lightning bugs…Bertha just hit me on the head with a flashlight…geez…
Jane

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Living Truth...

Bertha and I have been talking about living our truth lately…what does it really mean…we got pretty deep…she put on high-heeled mud boots at one point…but I think it’s worth sharing…so grab some boots…and read on…
Living my truth is multi-faceted…not hard…but often difficult…it’s more than just not lying when my friend asks if these pants make her butt look fat…
It’s coming from an authentic place…and that’s scary…because that makes me open for inspection…for approval…for disapproval…for criticism of the core of my being…
The fact of the matter is…I will be rejected…that’s just life…I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea…the question is…who am I willing to let be rejected…the real Jane…or some plastic-self I’ve created to please the crowd…even the crowd of one other…
Boy…that cuts to the heart of the matter…at first it seems that I’d rather have the plastic-self rejected…then the real me could still be safe…but it doesn’t work that way…
I know because I’ve tried it…many times…and what I do is just create more and more plastic-selves…until they are piled in the closet…naked with gnarled hair and twisted limbs…like so many discarded Barbie Dolls…
And…instead of feeling safe…I buried me even more…
Showing my authentic self to the world is a choice…I make it with every interaction that I have…sometimes it’s easy…sometimes not so much…
Like…really…what do you say when someone asks you how you are…and you aren’t…do you say…fine…or give a litany of complaints…even Bertha doesn’t have an answer to that question…she did just ask me if her butt looks big in those pants…hmmm…here we go again…
Jane

Friday, November 4, 2011

Begetting Dominoes...

Ever dreamed of getting one of those total makeovers that we see on TV…you know…when someone sees you on the street…and snatches you for a day in the salon…and department store…sending out the new and improved you…yeah…me, too…
So Bertha says I shouldn’t be so upset that Gmail decided to go a little glam…(in keeping with Facebook I’m sure…but that’s a whole ‘nuther post)…and it’s not just that I don’t like the new look…it’s okay…I’ll get used to it…
It’s that the changes aren’t compatible with my computer at work…so it is most difficult to check my email there…and while we could spend the next few minutes discussing whether or not I should check personal email at work…that isn’t what Bertha wants to talk about…and it’s all about Bertha…isn’t it…just say yes…it’ll go easier for you…
Here’s the deal…according to Bertha…any time you make a change…even a teeny tiny one…it may not fit in with the status quo…and something else has to change…and then something else…and then something else…you get the drift…sounds almost like the begetting verses in the Bible doesn’t it…but I digress…
Anyway…seems like something else in my life will need to change…I can start checking emails at home…I can ask for someone to upgrade my computer so that it is compatible…I can become more patient—no that one probably isn’t going to happen…
I’ll probably see if the computer can be upgraded…that does seem like the logical thing to do…but in the meantime…my routine will change…as I check email in the morning before I leave for work…
Not a big deal…so…I guess I’m off to read email…and Bertha…seems as though she’s playing dominoes…hmmm…
Jane