Swim Dress Ready…

I got an email today…from a health and fitness magazine…touting that I could be bikini ready in…four weeks…I deleted it…

Now…I hate to sound negative…but…come on…I’ve never been bikini ready…not even when I had the body for it…actually…way back in the day…Mama wouldn’t even let me have a two-piece…much less a bikini…I think I got my first two-piece…maybe my senior year in high school…and trust me…it wasn’t skimpy…and…I could count the number I’ve had since then…on my fingers…probably on one hand…

So…it got me to wondering…if I were young…and…thin…today…would I still be too self-conscious to wear a bikini…probably…but…I’ve digressed from what was originally on my mind…

The article…                                                         

I have to wonder…how could anyone who was actually…overweight…and…out of shape…be bikini ready in four weeks…I mean…think about it…on a reasonable diet…I could expect to lose a maximum of 10 pounds…in a month…and…with a really dedicated workout schedule…I could tone some…but…not from flab to washboard abs…

So…I’m thinking…this program…is a lot like that book that I bought last summer…that claimed…you could look thinner without losing weight…all you had to do was wear…a full spanx body armor…not sure how that would look in a bathing suit…oh…but…wait…if you were more than 10 pounds overweight…you’d better diet…

So…maybe the article should have read…if you are within three pounds of your goal weight…and…reasonably in shape…you can be bikini ready in four weeks…for the rest of you…better luck next year…and…here’s a link…for swim dresses…

Which then reminds me of the best title…other than…Bertha-Size Your Life!...that I ever saw…I Know why the Manatee SwimsNaked (I’ve Shopped for Bathing Suits, Too)…it just kinda sums it all up…doesn’t it…

Jane

Toto…We’re Home…Get the Juicer…

There’s something about a few days away…that always finds me…clicking my ruby slippers…and…mumbling…there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…but…there’s more to it…than just getting back into my familiar surroundings…for…some odd reason…I come home…wanting to live a better life…

I think back on my trip…time with my daughter’s family…time with my granddaughters…time well spent…but…time…totally out of my comfort zone…different schedules…different foods…different activities…no writing…wondering…what exactly makes me want make positive changes in my life…

Okay…I can hear you asking…what kind of changes…and…it’s only fair I should tell you…I did bring it up…after all…

This time…I came home…wanting to be healthier…wanting to enjoy more healthy veggies…wanting to get my nutrients out of my food…not out of a bottle…wanting to exercise more…

So…I went for a walk after I got home…and…ordered a juicer this morning…never wanted one before…suddenly…gotta have it…and…no…my daughter does not have a juicer…but…wait…I did see one on TV…while I was gone…

Hmmm…that brings me back to a recent post…As Seen on TV…geez…I hope the juicer doesn’t end up in the drawer…with the bra strap thingies…oh…wait…I’m safe…it’s too big to fit in the drawer…but…I digress…

How does being away…create my desire for positive change…well…get ready…Bertha…that’s right…Bertha…says…that it’s all about getting out of my…rut…routine…that brings new ways of thinking to the forefront…that helps me change my perspective…

What can I say…she’s right…and…there’s no point in arguing with her…she always wins…and…then she gloats…so…I’ll just concede without a battle…

The juicer should be here next week…I hope I still want it by the time it gets here…

Jane

Promises Kept…

I woke up yesterday with the best of intentions…I would write…I would clean…do laundry…I would go to the gym…I got up plenty early…five o’clock…I promised myself…it would be a productive day…

Four hours later…nine o’clock…half a normal work day…the only thing I’d done was posted the blog…hmmm…slow writing for such a short piece…not really…mostly…goofing off…

Okay…a lot of time gone…restructure…maybe I wouldn’t clean or do laundry…yeah…I hate to give that up…but…I would write…and…I promised I would go to the gym…just as soon as I…check email…see what’s happening on Facebook…write this chapter…eat…digest…read a little more…hmmm…but…I was going to the gym…I promised…

Before I knew it…it was after five…a full twelve hours had passed…and then some…and I had not made it to the gym…it was time to put up or shut up…and honestly…I seriously considered shutting up…

It was almost dark…I didn’t really want to go…oh…I was dressed to go…I’d been dressed to go all day…doesn’t that count for something…no…it should…you sure are a stickler for rules…geez…

And…Bertha’s a stickler for living my truth…it was about that time that she pointed out…all the promises I’d started breaking…I pleaded innocent…I kept my promises…if I promised someone I would do something…I did it…

But…what about promises to me…she so eloquently pointed out…yeah…skillet to head…again…that every time I break a promise to me…that I have undermined…my truth…my self-confidence…setting me up for failure…

She reminded me of little promises I’d made and broken…I hadn’t even paid them any attention…a phone call I was going to make…a card I would send…a treat I wouldn’t eat…money I wouldn’t spend…the list went on…but…I think you’ve got the message…and I’m humiliated enough…

So…there I was…decision time…live my truth…or…break a promise to myself…I reached for the car keys…there was an exercise bike…waiting…with my name on it…and…I had miles to ride before I slept…

Jane

The Sky is Falling…The State is Coming…

I’m beginning to feel like the proverbial Chicken Little…screaming…The Sky is Falling…The Sky is Falling…

Except I’m yelling…The State is Coming…The State is Coming…and running around like a chicken with my head cut off…well not really…but it sounded funny so I threw it in…sorry Chickie…

Unfortunately…unlike Small Chick’s fate…the state really is coming…it’s time for State Monitoring of our school system’s nursing program…

I think I’m ready…I’ve crossed T’s and dotted I’s…but…it’s still stressful…or worrisome…as we sometimes say…the thought of someone coming in to grade you…so to speak…what do they think…we’re in a school…

Well…yeah…maybe they do…hmmm…                       

Bertha of course…has some helpful suggestions for stressful times such as this…

First…get plenty of rest…

Next…drink plenty of water…

Last…get plenty of exercise…

Okay…I’m following her advice…here’s how it’s going…I’m drinking so much water…that I’m not getting any rest…but…I am getting some exercise going back and forth to the potty…

So…what do you think…two out of three…one out of three…geez…

Seriously…all is well…I think I am ready…I think I’ll do fine…I just wish they would hurry up and come and get it over with...

Jane

Just a Minute…Please

Working out hasn’t been so bad…I made it to the gym five days last week…I’m still only doing the treadmill…and walking at my own pace…or…actually…Bertha’s pace…

Bertha has me on her Just a Minute Plan…it goes something like this…after warming up…I walk at a comfy pace for a minute…then…I walk at a faster pace for a minute…then…drop back…speed up…and I just keep doing that…some minutes the slower pace is even slower…and some of the faster ones are as fast as I can go…

Here’s her theory…I can endure anything for a minute…then I can rest…it sounded reasonable…it wasn’t overwhelming…I could do it…but…would it really work…

You know what I did…I Googled…I can’t help it…it’s a sickness…geez…I need an intervention…could somebody do a Google and find one for me…

Anyway…sure enough…there’s a whole bunch of stuff written about it…they call it interval training…their theory involves things like VMax…aerobic and anaerobic thresholds…cardiac output…

Somehow…I like Bertha’s theory better…it’s a whole lot easier to understand…and she’s right…even when I go as hard as I can…I can make it a minute…then…I can take it really easy the next minute…

I can tell I’m building up stamina and speed doing this…and adjusting the speed every minute helps keep me from getting bored…and when my hip hurts…I just go slower again…

Oh…here she is with her gym bag now…I’ll be there in just a minute…

Jane

Back to Square Three…

Woo hoo…I’m finally back at the gym…don’t get excited…I’ve only been two days in a row…I’m not doing anything fancy…walking on the treadmill…not too fast…not too long…just trying to get back in shape…

It’s kind of frustrating…it feels like I completely wasted three years of my life…spent getting into shape…changing my eating habits…only to find myself…back at square one…out of shape…and overweight…

But…then I have to ask myself…REALLY…am I totally out of shape…and the answer is…NO…not totally…I’m by no means where I was a year and a half ago…but I’m also not where I was before I started working out a few years ago…either…

It’s the same with my weight…I have regained…way more than I’d like…hello…one pound is more than I’d like…and it’s a lot more than one…but…it’s not all of it…

So…I’m actually starting ahead of the game…when I started…must have been four years ago…I broke the Diet Coke habit…and never went back…I drink mostly water…I started eating more fruits and veggies…I still do…I cook most of my meals…I carry my lunch…I rarely eat fast food…it’s really just my sweet tooth that I need to tweak…

Unlike when I originally started…I’m really looking forward to the exercise…to challenging my body…to getting stronger…and…especially…to getting back on my bike this spring…

So…maybe I’m not back to square one…maybe I’m at square three…or even four…I know I’ve got a ways to go…but…I also know I can do it…I’ve done it before…

Jane

Janerella…

Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…

I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…

Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball...this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…

I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…

I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl…

We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…

I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…

I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…

Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…

Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not…

There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…

I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…

And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…

But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…

Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…

Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…

What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it…

Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…

That’s right…I’ve done my share…

Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…

Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…

And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…

Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there…

But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth...

And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…

Jane