Janerella…

Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…

I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…

Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball...this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…

I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…

I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl…

We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…

I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…

I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…

Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…

Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not…

There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…

I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…

And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…

But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…

Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…

But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…

Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…

What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it…

Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…

That’s right…I’ve done my share…

Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…

Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…

And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…

Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there…

But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth...

And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…

Jane

This Day in History…Thirty-One Years Ago…

Thirty-one years ago today…I finished my Christmas shopping early…I think…no…I know…it’s the last time that has happened…and there’s no way it’s happening this year…unless…I just don’t get anything for anybody…hmmm…

Thirty-one years ago today…my once-husband was making a stable for our Nativity Set…he didn’t get finished…

Thirty-one years ago today…I washed my hair and shaved my legs…and had a contraction getting out of the tub…

Thirty-one years ago today…Adam got his sight back on Little House on the Prairie…I’d looked forward to the show for weeks…I missed it…

Thirty-one years ago today…at age 18 months…my oldest daughter spent the night with her paternal grandmother for the first…and probably only time…

Thirty-one years ago today…John Lennon was killed…by Mark David Chapman…at almost the exact moment that…drumroll please…

Thirty-one years ago today…I gave birth…to my youngest beautiful baby girl…45 minutes after arriving at the hospital…on her due date...no less...

While…I’m not a proponent of living in the past…there are certain days that make me nostalgic…my daughters’ birthdays are tops on that list…

Funny…I used to be sad on their birthdays because I was disappointed that I hadn’t given them…the American Dream life that I had planned…surprisingly…it was my oldest daughter…not Bertha…who explained to me…that that was my dream for them…and that although things could have been different…they weren’t…but…they were loved…and well cared for…and grew up just fine…

Honestly…I think that child has a Bertha of her own…she’s pretty wise…hey...they both are...what can I say...

So...I’m no longer sad on their birthdays…I cherish the memories…each and every one of them…I even remember what the baby was wearing when she was born…

Oh…and she now has the Nativity Set…it only seemed appropriate…

Jane

Sweet Potatoes…The Rest of the Story…

Funny thing happened on the way to yesterday’s blog…it changed directions…writing has a way of doing that…it just takes on a life of its own…and you never know where it’s going to take you…

But…yesterday…I did…I had written the piece a few years ago…I knew where it was going…it was strictly a humor piece…concluding with my husband becoming my once-husband…(I really don’t like the term ‘ex’…it sounds like a math equation I need to solve…so…I’ve decided he will be my once-husband)…now I have way digressed…

It concluded with my once-husband requesting and receiving the sweet potato recipes…well…here is how it ended…

But…the story doesn’t end there…not so many years later…the marriage itself ended…seems as though my sweet potatoes were the only thing he liked about me…and can you believe it…he had the gall to ask for the recipes…and can you believe it…I was dumb enough to give them to him…well…I told you…I’m not good under pressure…I caved…

Not much later…when there was a replacement wife…I regretted my decision…I entertained all sorts of nasty notions of what they could do with those yams…no…not that kind of nasty notions…where is your mind…geez…until my precious children told me that hers were never as good as mine…

Somehow that did…and still actually does…bring me pleasure…because…as they all say…

Revenge is…Sweet…Potato!

I don’t know what came over me as I retyped the story…maybe it was all the forgiveness prayers I’ve been doing…maybe it was Bertha playing on the keyboard…I don’t know…but it changed…it softened…suddenly I understood Mama…I wanted to add something else to the ending…but my fingers just wouldn’t type it…that was what needed to be said…

Last night my daughter…precious children…do tell you what you need to know…said that she would have added to it…she would have added…that no one remembers it that way…they all talk about my delicious sweet potatoes…they talk about good memories…about my kindness…what I recall as a Revolution…is not even brought up as a skirmish…

Which brings me to something that I’ve always known…there is my memory…there is your memory…and there is the truth…and somehow…the blurring of the three together…is what truly makes life…Sweet…Potato!

Jane

Showing Up

Bertha says I need to share some of my older stuff…stuff I’ve never shared…even with the one it was written to…because sharing is healing for me and for you…

I know I had some pretty raw dreams last night, knowing that I would be posting this today. Dreams that revealed yet another layer within my heart that wants to heal…Bertha says that is a good thing…and I know it is and will be when the rawness subsides…here goes…

My ring is engraved…love life…be brave…and I wonder…do I really love life…and am I brave at all…what does it mean to be brave…does it mean more than just showing up…or is showing up the bravest thing of all…sometimes it is the hardest thing to do…to show up…to be present when there’s a pain in my heart…or a knot in my gut…just showing up…smiling…touching…healing… hearing… caring…can sometimes be overwhelming…but that’s showing up at its finest.

I never meant to hurt you…and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me either…and yet we have hurt each other on many occasions…I tend to think that I’m justified…when I look at what you did to me…like a small child…he started it…he looked at me funny…and as I tell the kids…SOOOOOOOO…that doesn’t meant that you can do something back…take the high road…turn the other cheek…it seems more noble when I’m telling the kids what to do…

I said I love you…and I think I do…but I have sold you short so many times…how can that be love…how can that be honor…it’s easy to believe the worst in you…because it’s easy to believe that I deserve the worst from you…and that’s not exactly true either…I’m not sure what it is…maybe it’s easier to write about chocolate…

Smooth and creamy…sweet and dark…satisfying…

I want to see your goodness…I want to see mine as well…right now…I’m not so sure about me…but I don’t want to get stuck there…I want to work through all this…I want to come out on the other side…stronger… whole…healthy…and I hope we make it there together…I’m not sure if we will or not…but I know that I have to go regardless…I have to face the ugly truth…and the beautiful truth…and embrace both of them…I have to move forward…I have to…there isn’t a choice…well…I guess there is always a choice…but I don’t want to stay where I am…alone…afraid…so I’ll take the journey…

There is so much I want to tell you…and I’m so afraid…afraid that you will reject me…but…we have nothing now…no trust…no tenderness…so what do we have to lose…

Jane