Blog for Rent...

Well...not really...but...as you know...the blog...Life According to Jane...has moved to the new Jane Carroll Author website...same great blogs...just a different location...

I hope you'll join...me...and...Bertha...at our new home...just click on the above links...and you'll go right there...we'll leave the light on for you...

Jane

There’s a New Page in Town…

I know…I’m kind of strange…okay…a lot strange…but…I sort of get attached to things…and…when…it’s time to replace them…I feel…guilty…like…I’m hurting their feelings…

Case in point…I bought a Townie…a cruiser type of bicycle…and…rode it for a couple of years…going places…and riding distances…that were fairly noteworthy…but…finally…one day…it was time…to get a fancy Trek road bike…and…I love it…but…for the longest time…I felt guilty every time I took it out for a spin…and left the Townie in the garage…

See…I wasn’t kidding when…I said I was strange…

So…anyway…here’s the deal…most of you have seen my beautiful new website…I love it…Rebbekah White and Kim Mutch Emerson…did a great job with it…I think it really captures…my personality…and Bertha’s spirit…perfectly…

There’s just one thing…I feel guilty…when I visit the old blog…I feel like I’m being disloyal to it or something…and…I’ve been double posting…which is really kind of ridiculous…if you think about it…

I’ve said it was…because…I have some friends…who have subscribed to the old blog via email…and…the new site doesn’t have that option at this point…but…Bertha…says…it goes deeper than that…

She…says…it’s the blog…that got me started writing again…that connected me with some wonderful friends…that helped me find my voice again…and…that’s why it is hard to leave it…

And…I suppose she’s right…I am connected to that blog…but…I’ve made a choice…to continue growing into…the writer…the person…that I am…and…just like with the bicycle…it’s time for the next step…

So…this will be my last double post…for some of you…your last post via email…for now at least…I hope you’ll still come by and visit…I’ll miss you if you don’t…

Oh…and…all the old posts are archived here…so…you can still find your favs…right on the new site…

And…when I think about it…it really wasn’t such a difficult move…no boxes…no moving trucks…just lots of fond memories…to rearrange…

Jane

Swim Dress Ready…

I got an email today…from a health and fitness magazine…touting that I could be bikini ready in…four weeks…I deleted it…

Now…I hate to sound negative…but…come on…I’ve never been bikini ready…not even when I had the body for it…actually…way back in the day…Mama wouldn’t even let me have a two-piece…much less a bikini…I think I got my first two-piece…maybe my senior year in high school…and trust me…it wasn’t skimpy…and…I could count the number I’ve had since then…on my fingers…probably on one hand…

So…it got me to wondering…if I were young…and…thin…today…would I still be too self-conscious to wear a bikini…probably…but…I’ve digressed from what was originally on my mind…

The article…                                                         

I have to wonder…how could anyone who was actually…overweight…and…out of shape…be bikini ready in four weeks…I mean…think about it…on a reasonable diet…I could expect to lose a maximum of 10 pounds…in a month…and…with a really dedicated workout schedule…I could tone some…but…not from flab to washboard abs…

So…I’m thinking…this program…is a lot like that book that I bought last summer…that claimed…you could look thinner without losing weight…all you had to do was wear…a full spanx body armor…not sure how that would look in a bathing suit…oh…but…wait…if you were more than 10 pounds overweight…you’d better diet…

So…maybe the article should have read…if you are within three pounds of your goal weight…and…reasonably in shape…you can be bikini ready in four weeks…for the rest of you…better luck next year…and…here’s a link…for swim dresses…

Which then reminds me of the best title…other than…Bertha-Size Your Life!...that I ever saw…I Know why the Manatee SwimsNaked (I’ve Shopped for Bathing Suits, Too)…it just kinda sums it all up…doesn’t it…

Jane

Truffles Anyone…

Yesterday was the perfect day…for pulling weeds…it was cloudy and cool…and then it rained…and remained pleasant for a couple of hours until the sun came out…so the temperature was just right…and the ground was soft…perfect for weed pulling…

I have to admit…I’ve had plenty of…reasons…AKA…excuses…for not completing the job before…I’m not sure why yesterday inspired me…maybe…it was a blog I read recently…about how spiritual it felt to weed…

And…quite honestly…the entire experience of being out in nature…hearing the birds…feeling the breeze…smelling the nearby roses…and…just being alone with my thoughts…actually was spiritual…but…so is sitting in my Granny’s rocker…so…don’t get too excited…

Anyway…as I was pulling weeds from the dry creek…I decided it was time to clean out the pot from last year’s asparagus fern…it had become infested with vetch…that had wandered over…from the empty lot next door…I wasn’t sure what I wanted to plant there…but…job one was to clean it out…as I clipped away at the vetch…I noticed the strangest thing…right in the center of last year’s dead fronds…was…a baby asparagus fern…pretty as you please…it was a mild winter…it hadn’t completely died…I carefully…trimmed out the dead fronds and weeds…delighted with my baby fern…

Then…there was the pot of lamb’s ear…it had hung in there for most of the winter…before biting the dust…I started to clean out the pot…and…yep…there were the cutest little lamb’s ears you ever wanted to pet…right there under all those dead leaves…

The mosquito geranium…is making a comeback as well…

Now…I’m not promoting procrastination…although…I could be the poster child…it did make me think…if I had dumped these plants in March…like I kept telling myself that I should…I would have thrown away…my baby plants…

What I’m thinking is…I really wasn’t procrastinating after all…I was listening to my instinct…and…my instinct…said…wait…at least…that’s my story…and I’m sticking to it…

Bertha…rolled her eyes…and…said something about…even a blind pig…finding…a truffle once in a while…

Hmmm…wonder what she meant by that…

Jane  

But…It Was on Sale…

A bargain is only a bargain…if…you need it! ~Bertha

I must admit…I’ve done it…it…being…buying something…that…I wasn’t shopping for…that…I have a questionable need for…simply because…it was there…and…it was…such a good deal…

Now…Bertha…has been quick to point out the fallacy of this…yes…that’s the same…Bertha…who wouldn’t pass up a shoe sale…on a dare…probably not even a double-dog dare…and…we all know…the power of the double-dog…

Anyway…when I proudly display my latest…good deal…she has started asking me…these…stupid…hmmm…I mean…these questions…

Do I need it…does it match anything I have…does it fit…do I love it…would I have bought it at full price…

Then…like a dog with a bone…she goes on…

What about the cost…how does the 50% I paid…fit into my budget…and…she reminds me…$200 worth of bargains…is still $200…even…if the receipt says I saved…$200…I still spent…$200…and…somehow…when it comes to my bank balance…that ain’t really saving…

She’s right of course…and…I’m busted…as I remember the arm loads of clearance clothes…still sporting tags…that I eventually gave away…because…they either never fit…well…I meant to lose weight…geez…or…I never found anything…just that shade…of…periwinkle…or…chartreuse…to pull it off…and that…oh…I can always wear it with black…doesn’t always get it either…

Bertha…says…it’s actually part of living my truth…asking myself the…questions…as she calls them…before I make a purchase…especially…an impulse purchase…and…if…the answers…are…no…then…putting it back on the rack…and…walking away…

I have a feeling…I’m going to be doing quite a bit of walking in the future…I wonder…will that count as exercise…hmmm…

Jane

Where Have All the Dresses Gone…

This morning…I wanted to sit on my porch…and…I really didn’t want to get dressed…but…I really didn’t want sit out in my nightgown…either…not…that anybody could really see me…not like most of my neighbors were even up…well…except for one neighbor…who brings her dog out early…and…can see my side porch from her yard…so…I guess it was for her…that I decided to get dressed…

As I poked through my closet…I didn’t find a thing to meet my needs…it was then I remembered…those dresses that I used to have…that my friend referred to as…indoor-outdoor dresses…loose…baggy…not requiring foundation undergarments…just as comfy as a nightgown…but…a little more respectable…when answering the door…or venturing out for the mail…

A sense of nostalgia swept across me…not unlike the wind blowing tumbleweeds across the plains…where had all my…indoor-outdoor dresses…gone…I knew I didn’t have them anymore…but…I dug…in the bottom of drawers…just in case…only to come up…with painting shorts…and…a lab coat…leftover from my hospital days…and…I continued to remember…housedresses…muumuus…dusters…none of which were in my closest…

I settled on wearing…baggy shorts…and…a baggier tee…they served the purpose…sans foundation undergarments…but…somehow they just aren’t the same…I want nostalgia…I want an indoor-outdoor dress…and…I think…I just might look for one…today…but...that would require...undergarments...hmmm...

Jane

On a Wet Tin Roof…

I love the sound of rain…on a tin roof…the ping…ping…ping…so relaxing…mesmerizing…unfortunately…I don’t have one…but…what I do have…is a gutter…and…when the rain hits the gutter…it makes that same…pinging…sound…

That’s the sound I heard yesterday morning…right after I got up…before I turned on the radio…loud enough…to wake the neighbors down the street…I could hear the soft landing…of so many little drops…as they hit the gutter…before sliding down into the yard…

I admit it…it was dark…but…I went outside anyway…so…I could hear it better…such a soothing sound…it really didn’t matter…that…I didn’t have a tin roof…I had a gutter…

Bertha…reminded me of a phrase…that…Granny…used to say a lot…and…that is…making do…

Now…I’m sure…most of you are familiar with that phrase…and…in these economic times…there’s still a lot of making do…essentially…doing without…

At first glance…the phrase does seem to mean…settling…settling for something less than what I want…because…I can’t afford it…or otherwise can’t have it…but…Bertha…had me to look at it again…as…making peace with where I am…enjoying what I currently have…and…still being hopeful…for more…

I like the change in that perspective…making do…no longer feels negative…like something to endure…and…I think about my non-tin roof…it’s only a couple of years old…and…as much as I love the sound…I see no reason to consider replacing the roof with tin…not…when I have gutters…I love going outside during the rain…sitting on the porch…in Granny’s rocker…listening to the…ping…ping…ping…

Besides…something tells me…if I had a tin roof…it…would…get hot…and…Bertha…would…put the cat on it…and…then…where would I be…

Jane

Waste Not…

I just read an article…by my friend…ChristyBirmingham…about…walking into a pole on a walk…and…it got me to thinking…for me…as a writer…nothing is wasted…literally no life event…no matter how embarrassing…gets put in file thirteen…it shows up on the page…eventually…albeit…often disguised…

I suppose that’s a good thing…it certainly brings a level of…humanity…to my writing…but…sometimes…I wonder…does sharing my…darkest…goofiest…moments…leave my readers with the impression…of me as…inept…neurotic…bumbling…

Bertha…says…not to worry…my writing…doesn’t make people think that way about me…no…she…says…they…already…knew those things…and…they loved me anyway…

She’s quite the comedian…geez…

Jane

Bertha’s Number One!

When I graduated from nursing school…back when we rode…dinosaurs…and all that…there was a two-day event…shortly after graduation…called…State Boards…there were five sections to the test…and you had to pass all five…in order to get your license…

Well…two days of testing was bad enough…but…then…you had to wait six weeks for the results…six…long…grueling…weeks…I might add…when…you had a gut feeling…but…no assurance…

I remember getting those results in the mail…on a Saturday afternoon…as we were leaving our apartment…I had passed…and…not only that…I had scored high enough…that I could get a license in any state without having to take an exam…even though…I wasn’t planning to go anywhere…that was a relief…

I remember that feeling…of understated elation that I felt…I remember once husband asking…why…I was so excited…he knew I was going to pass all along…

I remember explaining to him…that…he just didn’t understand…this was something that I would always have…that no one could take away from me…that it would go with me…wherever I went…it was a huge deal…he never really understood…but…that’s okay…he didn’t have to…

Yesterday…I had a similar experience…when…Bertha-Size Your Life!...the Kindle version…reached Amazon’s bestseller status…

It’s the same thing…she doesn’t have to stay there…in fact…this morning…she’d dropped…but…although…I’d love to see her stay there…and blow the top off the charts…for weeks to come…she doesn’t have to…she’s made it…and…no one can take that away from me…or…honestly…from…her…we all know it’s…all…Bertha…

But…there is something so surreal…in reaching a dream…a milestone…you believe in yourself…you work…you plan…and…then…one day…it happens…and…your life changes forever…and…yet…not at all…

Bertha…says…she doesn’t know what I’m so excited about…she always knew…this was gonna happen…all along…hmmm…I never thought I’d say it…but…she’s sounding a bit…shall we say…familiar…

Okay…I’m starting to ramble…mostly…I want to thank each of you…some of you were able to download the book yesterday…and…some of you were able to…hold my dream in your hearts…and…it took both…

Oh…and…just in case…any of you are wondering…Bertha…now has an unlimited fashion budget…there’s no telling what she’ll be wearing in the sequel…

Jane Carroll Author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Bertha Size your Life!

I Am…All That…

I’m tired…I probably say that phrase…at least…ten times a day…maybe more…and…I usually…sigh…as I say it…I suppose…just to prove the truth of my words…

I hadn’t paid much attention to it…until a friend…remarked…you’re always tired…hmmm…busted…

Now…you know that conversation…led to a tête-à-tête with…Bertha…who pointed out…something that I have known for a while…but…tend to forget…

And…that’s the power…of the words…I Am…

I Am…is creative…and…brings the words that follow…into being…so…when…I say…I’m tired…I’ve created more tired…at least ten times a day…

So…I think about my self-talk…and…all the negative…I Am…statements that I make in a day…it ain’t a pretty list…the words…broke…fat…lazy…ugly…tired…exhausted…quickly come to mind…and…I consider myself to be a pretty positive person…

I think I’ll spend some time…in…the contemplation chair…about this…do the Forgiveness Prayer…think about how to rephrase…my self-talk…but…for now…it’s been a full day…I think I’ll rest…

So…if…next time we’re chatting… those illustrious words…I am tired…or any other negative…I Am…statement…escapes my lips…feel free to slap me…to get my attention…okay…not really...get out of that line…that was a joke…geez…

Jane

The Tdap Shot…Heard ‘Round the World…

I wrote about…keeping up…with my medical information the other day…which…made me remember…getting my last…actually my first…Tdap…vaccination…I say first…because…the adult vaccine was changed a few years ago…from…TD…tetanus/diptheria…to…Tdap…tetanus/diphtheria/pertussis…

Anyway…to make an long story…even longer…seems there has been an increase in…pertussis…whooping cough…in recent years…so…all us school nurses got an email…recommending that we get the new vaccine…

I’m pretty diligent about that kind of thing…so…I rolled up my sleeve the same afternoon…and thought that would be that…well…my arm was a bit sore…but…I expected that…

What I didn’t expect…was to discover…a fairly…large…tender…lymph node…hiding behind my left collarbone…but…on Sunday afternoon…when…all the doctor’s offices were closed…I did…

I must admit…it scared me half to death…so…I did what I had to do…I Googled…yeah…I know…you saw that one coming…you know me so well…anyway…what I found scared me even more…lymphoma…that’s what all the sites said…would cause supraclavicular lymphadenopathy…

At some point…just before I Googled lymphoma treatments…I remembered…the Tdap shot…could it be connected…yes…I Googled that…and…somewhere…in tiny print…at the very end…of an obscure site…I found what I was looking for…yes…Tdap…could cause that big honking lymph node…if the injection was in the ipsilateral appendage…

I have to tell you the truth…I’ve been a nurse for a lot of years…and I didn’t have a clue…so…I Googled…one last time…it meant…same side…and…yes…my injection…was in the left arm…I breathed again…

But…I still called…and made an appointment with my OB-GYN doctor the next day…just to be safe…he agreed…all was well…but…since I was there…he might as well…do my yearly stuff…including…sending me for a mammogram…

I went…and…thought…that was that…

Until…the hospital called me…there was a lump…could I come back for an ultrasound…now…as frightening as this sounds…I was at least 95% certain…that it was the same lump…that…I’ve had for years…that had been biopsied…and was fine…so…I only fretted…I didn’t panic…

But…I did have to take off a second day from work…and go for the ultrasound…but…they couldn’t find my old films…so…they weren’t sure if it was the same spot or not…

A couple of hours…and…lots of frustration later…we found films in the doctor’s office…that verified the spot…it hadn’t changed…once again…all was well…

So…let’s recap…no…let’s not…it was too much the first time…but…all of this…happened…as a result…of one little Tdap shot…

Bertha…says it is a lot like life…of course she would…she says…my biggest messes…usually start…with…a small event…and then snowball…into a fiasco…and…she’s right…they do…I always say…I get into the most trouble…when…I’m minding my own business…

Well…she did say something else…about my tendency to…make mountains out of mole hills…and…that if I didn’t settle down…she was gonna take away my Google privileges…but…she couldn’t be serious about that…could she…

No…surely not…so…for now…I’m just glad that I’m not due for another Tdap…for seven more years…I hope I remember about the lymph node by then…just saying…

Jane

Editing…Smediting…

That’s what I’ve been doing today…I love writing…watching thoughts become words…stringing them along…until they make…a paragraph…a page…a story…fills me with delight…editing…not so much…

But…I’ve been doing it anyway…because…Bertha-Size Your Life! is being rereleased by Saga Books shortly…and…that means…new edits…honestly…there weren’t that many changes…a comma here…a word there…nothing like starting totally over…thankfully…

Mostly…Bertha…left me alone…sinking ship and all…but…she did come by…long enough…to point out…that the whole process was a lot like when I go to the dentist…for…a cleaning…I don’t want that gunk on there…but…I really don’t want them to scrape it off…either…

Then…she started going…on…and…on…about how that’s a lot like life…and…well…to be honest with you…I cut that part out of the blog……I was…editing…after all…

Jane

Go Small…or…Stay Home…

You may remember…I ordered a juicer…last week…it didn’t come until yesterday…so…I haven’t had the time…to check it all out…but…since…I was in the mood to get healthy…quickly…in the meantime…I read a book…about eating mostly veggies…and fruit…the goal being…to eat a pound of raw veggies…a pound of cooked veggies…and…at least a cup of beans…every day…

Well…it sounded healthy to me…all those antioxidants…all those phytonutrients…I’d probably never need to take a supplement…again…so…in I jumped…

Here’s what I learned…and…yes…you probably saw this one coming…my stomach wasn’t ready to go from a fairly normal diet…including a fair amount of roughage…to what felt like…a ton of fiber…in one day…just think about it…do you know how much salad it takes to weigh a pound…well…it’s a big…big…bowl…it would take...Peter Rabbit...and his whole family...to eat it all...and...there might be leftovers...

Bertha…laughed…as I cramped…and…camped…in the bathroom…because I’d obviously…forgotten…her…First Rule of Change…Go Small…

Now…I don’t know how I could have forgotten…she’s been…harping…I mean…reminding me of it…for years now…and…I must say…I have seen it work wonders in my life…

It works for me…because…like…my stomach…I tend to get overwhelmed…out of sorts…by…sudden huge shifts…in my status quo…even…if it’s a good change…wanted…healthy…

So…I backed off…oh…I have continued to eat the healthy stuff…just in much smaller quantities…and…by…letting my body tell me…the amounts that it wants…and…I promise…it’s nowhere near a pound…

Well…I don’t know if I’m…healthy…yet…but…I do know that my stomach is settling down…and…honestly…for now…that’s all that I’m worried about…

Jane

File Away…

I just realized…I’m of an age…and…no…I’m not talking about hot flashes…although…they might fit in here…I’m talking about medical records…and…no…I’m not talking about a department at the hospital…I’m talking about the file that is ever growing in my closet…

So…what is precipitating this ever expanding file…well…like most things in life…it is a multi-faceted answer…

The Chiari I Malformation started it…when I realized…that I’d had symptoms for years…and…tests…the results of which…were now lost…and…they could have been of value in determining when my brain went south…literally…you see…hospitals don’t keep MRIs forever…they usually keep a report…but…not the films…

It was then…I realized…yes…I’m a nurse…and…yes…I’ve probably told patients this a thousand times…but…it’s different when it’s you…that…I had to be my own advocate…I had to keep up with my own health information…

So…the file began…with a complete written history of my symptoms over the years…it grew fatter…with MRI results…and…then with CDs of all the MRIs…that way I’ll have them forever…you can request these…the facility may charge a small fee…but…worth it…

I know…you might expect…that I would keep those kinds of records…but…what is amusing to me…I’m starting to put things in there…that I used to just remember…like the date of my last Tdap shot…lab results…and…the name of the antibiotic…that I have an anaphylactic allergy to…

Yeah…you’d think I’d remember that name…after my lips swelled until I looked like the Aflac duck…I whelped all over…and my vocal chords swelled until I lost my voice…but…somehow…Levaquin…is a hard name for me to remember…maybe…I should write it down…maybe…I should put it in a file…oh…I just did…

So…all this rambling…is to say…that…even as a nurse…I thought keeping a medical file…was for somebody else…not for me…maybe it was for old folks…or really sick folks…but…not for me…

Now…I know…you are never too young…to be your own advocate…a lesson…I suppose…I learned the hard way…but…Bertha…says…that’s usually how I learn…as…she hits me over the head with the skillet again…do…you think…maybe…just…maybe…that caused the Chiari…she assures me it didn’t…but…I’ll add it to the file…just in case…

Hmmm…this blog certainly didn’t go the direction…that…I thought it would…oh well…they usually don’t…have a great day…be an advocate…yours…

Jane

Three Chicken Necks…Extra Crispy…Please…

A friend of mine…asked me yesterday…why I get up so early…and…I gave my standard answers…habit…body clock…morning person…leave for work early…crazy woman…but…she wasn’t satisfied…she kept pressing…but why do you really get up so early…and…yes…three to four o’clock is early…even by my standards…

In my defense…I don’t get up that early…unless I’m working…and…I know…that still doesn’t explain the crazy woman part…but…I digress…

It wasn’t until later…that Bertha gave me the…real…answer…that is the only time of day…that I am just me…

I’m nobody’s mother…nobody’s daughter…nobody’s employee…nobody’s sister…nobody’s friend…mainly…because…they are all asleep…and don’t want to be bothered…I’m just me…

I thought about that for a while…and…it’s true…that’s the only time…that I can pretty much be assured that I won’t be interrupted…that no one will make demands on me…early morning is my time…and…no one seems to want to take it away from me…

I thought that was that for the…ah ha moments…but…Bertha wanted to play connect the dots…which by the way…in no way…resembles…the activity we did as kids…as…you might imagine…although…maybe…as I think about it…it does…some of those patterns were pretty…obscure…a lot like Bertha’s…but…I’m digressing even more…

So…Bertha and her dots…started to connect to a memory…of…Granny Turner…who always ate the backs and necks…when she fried chicken…as a child…going for a drumstick…or a breast…I always thought that was strange…why did she choose those pieces…when the other pieces were better…

The answer…was a little convoluted…those were the pieces that no one else wanted…so…with a large family…if she chose those pieces…she was assured of getting them…no one was going to take them away…whine or fuss…they were hers…she may have eaten the wings…too…as…that was before the buffalos took them over…and…they became popular…back then…they were just a whole lot of work for a little bit of meat…but I digress…yet again…and you know what they say…three digresses…and…you are way off track…

Back on track…Bertha…says…that’s just the way it is in life…we all want something that is just ours…that nobody’s gonna take away from us…whether it’s two hours in the morning…or…a chicken neck…it really doesn’t matter…as long as it’s yours and you can count on it…

Hmmm…she’s right…of course…but…if it’s all the same…I think I’ll stick with my morning hours…and…let her have the chicken necks…

Yeah…I’m generous…that way…what can I say…

Jane

Life’s Easy…Just Hang on to the Rope…

Bertha…brought up a memory yesterday…she reminded me of a few years back…several years back…okay…a lot of years back…I was 21…when I learned to water ski…

It was a beautiful summer day…my boyfriend and I were at the lake with friends…they could all ski…and…it was unanimous…I should learn as well…

They took me to a shallow spot in a nearby slew…my friend’s husband got in the water with me…showing me how to get the skis on…how to balance…how to hold on to the rope…telling me how to pull against it…as the boat pulled in the opposite direction…and…then…the boat took off…

I was skiing…

It was that easy…I got up on the first try…I was skiing…I freaked out…I let go of the rope…I never expected it to be so easy…

So…what was Bertha’s point…in bringing back this blast from the past…well…seems as though…she says…I still have a tendency to freak out…when things are easy…that…I still let go of the metaphorical rope…

And…it’s true…I do…I’m not sure…why…I still feel more comfortable with struggle…than with ease…but…I have a feeling that Bertha will be talking to me more about that in the near future…

I just hope…she doesn’t make me ski again…it’s been way too long…I’ve gotten way too…mature…but…then again…I did love the feeling of gliding across the water…

Jane

I’ll Take That to Go…Please…

Wow…Spring Break is over…it’s back to work…and…I must admit…I’m not ready…even though…we’ll be out for summer in only five weeks…I want more time off…now…

I know…I’m acting like a baby…I should be grateful to have the summer off…should be willing to work these last weeks…without complaining…just to get there…and…of course…I am…I do enjoy my job…

It’s just…I had so much planned for this week…and…most of it…never happened…now…I will add…that after my trip to my daughter’s house…I really only had one extra day off…and…honestly…that day…I was a bit jet lagged…it was an hour and a half flight after all…but in my defense…I did change time zones…geez…

So…why…did I ever believe…that I could get all the spring yard work done…write a novel…okay…work on the Bertha book that’s in progress…spring clean the house…go for long bike rides…shop…and…take it easy…in what amounted to a long weekend…

Beats me…

Bertha…laughs at me…no surprise there…and…says…it’s kind of how I act at a Chinese buffet…when…my eyes…are bigger…than…my plate…and…I keep piling on the food…until…it’s way too much to eat…

Hmmm…interesting…I have been known to do that…but…I’m not sure how that is supposed to make me feel any better…until…she explains…that when I get too much food at a restaurant…I usually ask for a takeout box…bringing the leftovers home…for another time…and…really…it’s the same concept…

I contemplate that for a bit…and…I really like the shift in energy…from…I didn’t get these things done…to…I’m going to save them for another day…

So…here I am…stuffing…Bertha…into a doggy bag…well…she was on my to-do list…that didn’t get done…

I wonder if I should give her the fortune cookie…

Jane

I Snoozed…

It’s Saturday…it’s spring…the Farmer’s Market is open…and…that means…fresh strawberries…yummm…except…I forgot…in fact…I’m not even sure what day I thought it was this morning…after having been out of town for most of the week…but…Saturday didn’t enter into the equation…until about 10:30…and by then…all the strawberries had found other bellies to fill…

Yeah…it’s a little disappointing…fresh strawberries…are right up there with vine ripe tomatoes…as my all-time favorites…

But…I found some good ones at the grocery store…not as good…I’m sure…but…they will tide me over…until…next Saturday…when I will be at the market…bright and early…for the real things…

I’m not a gardener…I wish I were…but…I do love good…fresh…produce…and…I’m grateful…that we have a Farmer’s Market in our town where I can purchase some…and…get the benefit…without…actually doing the work…

Bertha…says…it’s that way in life as well…you don’t have to do everything yourself…we all have different interests…different talents…it’s okay…to let someone else do the gardening…and…let me…do the writing…

Works for me…

Jane

Toto…We’re Home…Get the Juicer…

There’s something about a few days away…that always finds me…clicking my ruby slippers…and…mumbling…there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…but…there’s more to it…than just getting back into my familiar surroundings…for…some odd reason…I come home…wanting to live a better life…

I think back on my trip…time with my daughter’s family…time with my granddaughters…time well spent…but…time…totally out of my comfort zone…different schedules…different foods…different activities…no writing…wondering…what exactly makes me want make positive changes in my life…

Okay…I can hear you asking…what kind of changes…and…it’s only fair I should tell you…I did bring it up…after all…

This time…I came home…wanting to be healthier…wanting to enjoy more healthy veggies…wanting to get my nutrients out of my food…not out of a bottle…wanting to exercise more…

So…I went for a walk after I got home…and…ordered a juicer this morning…never wanted one before…suddenly…gotta have it…and…no…my daughter does not have a juicer…but…wait…I did see one on TV…while I was gone…

Hmmm…that brings me back to a recent post…As Seen on TV…geez…I hope the juicer doesn’t end up in the drawer…with the bra strap thingies…oh…wait…I’m safe…it’s too big to fit in the drawer…but…I digress…

How does being away…create my desire for positive change…well…get ready…Bertha…that’s right…Bertha…says…that it’s all about getting out of my…rut…routine…that brings new ways of thinking to the forefront…that helps me change my perspective…

What can I say…she’s right…and…there’s no point in arguing with her…she always wins…and…then she gloats…so…I’ll just concede without a battle…

The juicer should be here next week…I hope I still want it by the time it gets here…

Jane

Bloggless in Alabama…

My post yesterday…on…Fear of Missing Out…brought up a fun blast from the past…with some of my friends…party lines…now…for those of you…who are too young…or…who were blessed with private lines in your area…let me explain…party lines…were sort of like our current extension phones…they were just in your neighbor’s house…usually about eight of them…

So…while…many of us…only had one phone our house…no danger of mom or dad…listening in…our neighbors…could…and…did…eavesdrop at will…often recounting every little juicy detail of our adolescent tête-à-têtes…at where else…the beauty shop…of course…

Now…I will say…I was fortunate…by the time I was into adolescent soul bearing…we had moved to an area with private lines…not so…for some of my friends who were in more rural areas of the county…

But…even without the party line…somehow…my mother always seemed to find out…exactly what I’d been up to…at her weekly beauty shop appointments…

I’m convinced…that she would go in and say…give me a quick shampoo and a set…and tell me…what Jane has been up to…her stiffly teased updo…a mere disguise…for keeping tabs on me…

All of this being said…because…I’m taking a bit of a vacation…it’s Spring Break…so…I’m taking the week off from writing…and…even though…I have lots of fun things planned…I’m a bit…afraid of missing out…I’ve not gone that long without blogging in a while…what will happen to my blog…if I’m not here…

Well…duh…nothing…that was Bertha’s answer…and…I know it’s true…and that’s what scares me…I’ll miss the feedback…I’ll miss the connection…I’ll miss the place in my life that my blog fills…

So…it’s a conscious decision…release the connection…release the feedback…allow other things to fill my life…breathe it in…relax…enjoy the other things life has to offer…but…it’s still unsettling…it’s still difficult…to give up…even for a few days…something that is part of my identity…even if…the break…will only make it better…

I’ll spend some time contemplating that…feeling…that fear…allowing it to evolve…doing the Forgiveness Prayer…for those parts of me where I feel afraid…

I feel better…already…

Besides…Bertha…says…not to worry…I can always go to the beauty shop…if I need to catch up…thankfully…some things…never change…

Jane

Did I Miss Something…

I recently read an article…by my friend…Christy Birmingham…and realized that…I have a disorder…well…honestly…I’ve had it for years…I just didn’t know it had a name…

Fear of Missing Out…FOMO…              

           The premise of this disorder…is someone who is constantly…using their mobile devices…to check in with social media…and their email…to be sure that they aren’t missing anything that’s going on in their world…well…except…maybe…for the conversation at the table where they are having dinner…that is…unless…their companions are also checking-in…and then…there’s no conversation to miss…

So…this is a high-tech disorder…hmmm…maybe not…I can remember…sitting by my princess phone…yes…the one with the cord…connected to the wall…just waiting for it to ring…there were no answering machines…you couldn’t leave the house…it might be…him…or…it might be…her…with information about…him…

Usually…it was…her…for some reason…we did the indirect route back then…it wasn’t okay to call the guy you were interested in…but…you could call the guy that your best friend was crushing over…and…so…that was the social media of the day…

I suppose…now…your BFF…would post on the crush’s Facebook page…or…maybe…send him a private message…or…a chat…but…probably just a text…then…text you back…possibly forwarding you the text…or a picture…or something…regardless…there’d be…a whole lot of texting going on…

So…I’m thinking…maybe FOMO…isn’t a…new-fangled…high-tech…disorder…maybe…it’s been around…as long as there have been…boys…and…girls…and BFFs…and…I have a feeling…it’s here to stay…

Jane

As Seen on TV…

Okay…I admit it…I’ve tried some of…them…those products from the infomercials…products…that promise to do everything from keep your bra straps in place…to…get the pet hair off the sofa…and…pretty much everything in between…

Heck…why not…there’s a checkout aisle at the local Wally World…that’s devoted to them…how can I resist…

Results…the bra strap thingie…you would either have to be severely double jointed…or live with someone else…to actually get them in place…unfortunately…I am neither so…they sat in a drawer…until I finally threw them away…in an attempt to get rid of the things…I no longer need…

Not quite impressed with the latest picture hanging wonder…either…somehow…it didn’t work quite as easily…or…well…at my house as on TV…however…I do have one picture hanging on the wall…but…unlike advertised…I do believe it will leave a place if I pull it out of the wall…

Come on…admit it…you’ve probably purchased at least one of these products…for…only…$19.99…that promise…to solve all your problems…and…make coffee in the morning…yeah…I thought so…but…it’s okay…your secret’s safe with me…and a few of my closest readers…but…I digress…

So…I already know…many of these products are more…hype…than…function…why…oh why…do I still get glassy-eyed when I see them…why…do I pull out my hard earned cash…and plunk it down…saying…I’ll take it…

Well…your guess…is as good as mine…but…Bertha…says…it’s…hope…that’s right…hope…I still have hope…that something…that I can actually use…will be invented to keep my bra straps on my shoulders…hope…that I can really hang pictures without leaving a pox mark upon my wall…

And…while she says…hope…is a good thing…maybe…just maybe…I should keep my money…secured…in that brand new keep everything organized purse…you know the one…As Seen on TV…

Jane

Paradox Found…

Somehow…there’s something fundamentally wrong…with eating a candy bar…while reading a continuing education article about weight loss surgery…and…yet…I did…

Funny thing is…before that…I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a candy bar…of course…Bertha…nudged me…it hadn’t been that long…okay…I admit it…geez…it hadn’t…but…before that one…really…it had been a while…but I digress…

So…why…I wondered…how…did I find myself…reading about weight loss…and eating a candy bar…at the same time…it just didn’t make sense…even though…I wasn’t considering having the surgery…I was definitely thinking about the pounds I needed to lose…when the urge for chocolate suddenly overwhelmed me…I had a dollar…and there was a Snickers bar…just down the hall…I didn’t resist…

Kind of like…eating a large pizza…while watching…The Biggest Loser…well…I might have done that…but…honestly…I never did…at least…not the whole thing…maybe just a couple of slices…geez…

Bertha…tells me…it’s called…denial…and…that’s not…a river in Egypt…but…it’s just as full of crocodiles…snapping away at my happiness…by keeping me from living the fullness…of living my truth…

Hmmm...what can I say…she’s right…I have been known to bury my head in the sand…on more than one occasion…and…the sand in my ears…is really irritating…I might add…

So…how…do I fess up…look life straight in the eye…she says…start with the Forgiveness Prayer…start with…I love you…I’m sorry…Please forgive me…Thank you…directed to my spirit…she says…to always start with love…because…love is the truth of who I am…and that’s what it’s all about…

Jane

I have found the paradox…that if you love until it hurts…there can be no more hurt…only more love…  ~  Mother Teresa

Call the Tow Truck…

Somehow…I’m off my schedule…it happens sometimes…but…I never like it when it does…getting to bed later…sleeping later…I think my body wanted to go directly from Easter weekend…into…Spring Break…unfortunately…our school calendar didn’t agree with my body…so…I’m working this in-between week…

I’m sure Bertha would find some poignant connection between this…and…my life…some…jewels…words of wisdom…but…I’m thinking that she may have slept in herself…I don’t hear her chatting away in my brain…

Hmmm…more coffee…

And…the words come…when I’m stuck in a rut…something has to pull me out…

Hmmm…maybe I shouldn’t have drank the coffee…but…she’s right…I have been getting into…a…pretty tight…okay…rigid…routine…lately…and…honestly…nothing stifles creativity…like a rigid routine…

So…I suppose…I should welcome this break…of my familiar…of my habits…perhaps…I will be more creative…on the other side…of the rut…

Jane

Are You Barking at Me…

See the dog at the bottom...

Yesterday…the dogs from the house behind me went nuts barking…just when I was making breakfast…looking out the kitchen window…I quickly say the cause…a lovely calico cat…walking across the top of my back fence…

Interestingly…the cat walked across the back of the fence…then started down the side…but…just stopped…sat down…turned towards the dogs…three of them I believe…giving them a look…that only a cat can manage…

Honestly…I had meant to eat outside…but…decided to stay in the house instead…not that it was quiet in there…not that mere brick and mortar…could…muffle the sound…of three hounds…bellowing at a cat on a fence…no…mostly…I didn’t want to interrupt their little stalemate…

Bertha…pointed out…that there was merely a difference of opinions…going on…

First…the dogs…thought they had a cat treed…they thought they were in charge…they’d done a good job…they were calling their master to come with his gun…hunting at its finest…

Secondly…the cat…knew she was in charge…she knew the dogs were behind a fence…and couldn’t get to her…and…so…she tortured them…here I am boys…you can’t get me…bark all you want…I’ll just sit here…

Anyway…for the rest of the story…after about ten minutes…of continued howling…I’d had enough…I went outside…armed…with a camera…and…took some pictures…

The cat…sat and posed…the dogs…one by one…moseyed on down their fence…and the barking stopped…it was then…that the cat hopped down…and made her way across the empty lot…going wherever she was going in the first place…looking back occasionally…still knowing…she was in charge…

I told…Bertha… the dogs reminded me of her…always mouthing off about something…

She hit me with the skillet…I guess…she had a different opinion…

Jane

Tasting the Artichoke…

Wow…a lot of time in the contemplation chair lately…lots to sort out…at first…I was frustrated…I thought I’d peeled that artichoke…I’d tasted the artichoke heart…it was good…I liked it…I thought I was done with that…

Wrong…

Bertha…reminded me…letting go of the past…letting go of…old fears…old ideas…old frustrations…is not an event…like graduating from college…I don’t do it…and then it’s done…I can hang the diploma on the wall…for the world to see…

Rather…

It’s an ongoing process…like my closet…the first time I clean it…there is a ton of stuff to discard…stuff that doesn’t fit…that is out of style…that is in disrepair…and…although…it looks lovely...in the moment…it takes ongoing effort…to keep it…cleared of the things that no longer work…because…things are continually changing…my taste in clothes…the styles…unfortunately…my size…

This continual…closet purging…says…nothing…about my character…about my resourcefulness…it only means…I need to let go of some things…that are no longer useful…and…the more often I do it…the easier it is…

She’s right…of course…I do find…that every time…I uncover another layer of the old stuff…and…heal it…forgive it…maybe even…love it…for the lessons it brought me…the easier it is…

And…

Every time…I taste that…sweet…tender…artichoke heart…I want to taste it again…and…that taste…makes all the peeling…worthwhile…

Jane

Letting Go…

Letting go…it shouldn’t be so difficult…I’ve let go of the pain…of hurts…inflicted by others…why…do I not let go of hurts…that I inflict upon myself…doubts…insecurities…fears…nagging words…in the back of my mind…ever eager…to take the forefront…

It’s another layer…I’ve peeled this artichoke before…or so I thought…obviously…some tough outer leaves remained…preventing the tender heart from being fully exposed…

Maybe that’s it…maybe…I keep these insecurities…because…they prevent me from being vulnerable…keep me from exposing my true self…even to me…but…especially to others…

They keep me in…my place…perhaps it’s safe…but…it’s not where I want to be anymore…and…so…one more time…I peel off those tough protective leaves…not knowing…if it will be the last time…but…resolving…to continue the process…until at last…it is done…

Jane

All That Glitters…

Bertha Contemplating

I meant to write my blog today…but…sometimes…sometimes…life gets in the way…blocking my words with shiny objects…shiny objects…to explore…to examine…to experience…

All that glitters…is not…gold…I am reminded…and so it is with shiny objects…sometimes they surface as old fears…old frustrations…old ideas…freshly polished…shining as brightly…as the day they were born…

And…so…instead of writing…words of wisdom…words of wit…I sat staring at the shinies…wondering how they got there…in the middle of my words…I thought I had hidden them…where they couldn’t be found…

But…alas…they could…

Jane

A Yogurt in Time…

I’m trying…I really am…I’m trying to make healthier food choices…one of those would be…eating…Greek yogurt…I know…the protein content is double…the regular kind…the carb count is less…it’s organic…but…I just don’t love it…

Now…I am giving it a fair try…adding fruit…hoping it will grow on me…that would be only fair…considering…how…ice cream…my real preference…has literally…grown…on me over the years…but…I digress…

Anyway…it got me to thinking…why is it…that many of the things…that I know are good for me…and…that I really want to do…aren’t that easy…and…why…is it…that so many of the things…that I know are bad for me…and…that I don’t want to do…are so hard not to do…

Hmmm…

Bertha…reminds me…I ate Greek yogurt today…I didn’t eat…ice cream…which is what I wanted…and…really today…this moment…is all I have…yesterday is past…tomorrow hasn’t come…I’ve done my best…

Of course…she’s right…I can only make choices in the moment…whether…it’s food…exercise…spending money…or…anything else…it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do yesterday…or…what I’m planning for tomorrow…what I’m doing now…in this moment…is all that matters…it’s all I can count on…

And…honestly…I may be one step closer…to liking Greek yogurt…I’ll see…tomorrow…

Jane

A Case…of…Blended Identity…

Okay…I admit it…you don’t have to twist my arm…my grandchildren are the…cutest…smartest…cleverest…kids in the world…

Whew…I feel so much better…with that off my chest…you just don’t know how painful it has been…keeping that secret…

Spoken…like a true…grandmother…

Seriously…my granddaughters are pretty cute…and funny…so…I thought I’d share…this little story with you…and…feel free to share your own story…in the comments…more smiles for everyone…

We all know that children…usually…only hear their middle names…when they are in trouble…and…the youngest…age 3 now…had become quite accustomed…to hearing…Elizabeth…added after her name…one day…while watching…Curious George…get into another of his…situations…she yelled at him…from across the TV…George Elizabeth…you better not do that…

So…we knew…Elizabeth…is the name…you are called when you are in trouble…no matter who you are…

Well…that was cute…and…we thought…that was that…she got a little older…and…understood…Elizabeth…was part of her name…along with her first and last…she also learned her older sister’s middle name…Kate…

And…for some reason…known only to three year-olds…she decided…that her middle name…was…Elizabeth Kate…

Not to be outdone…her older sister…age 5…added…Elizabeth…to her middle name…well…fair is fair…so…we now have two…Elizabeth Kate’s…

So…we’re now sharing middle names…maybe…we should hyphenate them…hmmm…that might work…and…maybe…sharing names…could be only the beginning…maybe…they could start sharing toys next…

Yeah…right…when this little piggy flies…

Jane Elizabeth Kate…

Alvin…and…the…Gang…

As many of you know…I love my back garden…yeah…I know…it’s the size of a postage stamp…consists of a steep embankment…and…a drainage ditch…but…in my defense…it has been nicely disguised…as a shrub and rose bank…and…dry creek…and…yes…I know…in the States…especially…in the South…we call it a yard…but…I’m feeling a little European…do you mind…geez…you are being so picky today…

Part of what I enjoy about my…garden…is the wildlife…to be so small…and in town…I have a nice variety of birds…several squirrels…and…most recently…two chipmunks…

Of course…I Googled them…there seems to be a mix of opinions…from…they won’t dig holes…to…they dig holes…but…we love them any way…to…singing the praises of capital punishment…

So…now…I know…this time next year…I’ll probably be writing about the horrors…of chipmunks in the garden…but…that’s next year…and right now…they are plenty cute…and…their scampering…entertains me…yeah…it doesn’t take much to entertain me…I never said I had an exciting life…geez…

In my Google search…I also found…chipmunk symbolism…now…you already know…I do like a good…sign…now and again…remember…the toilet at the Church…yeah…I didn’t think you’d forget that one…

Anyway…seems as though…a chipmunk is a symbol of curiosity…playfulness…and…the balance between trust and caution…

Well…you probably know what’s coming next…Bertha…reminds me…although…I love what I do…and…I think it’s fun…that…I could use some more playfulness in my life…scampering…like the chipmunks…carefree…

She’s right…it is hard for me…to let go…and just have fun…I tend to hold back…with a sense of caution…hmmm…that brings up the T word…

Trust…continues to be a work in progress…and…maybe it should be…maybe that’s the balance…that…the chipmunks are reminding me of…something to think about…something to contemplate…

I think I’ll do that…in the garden…watching the chipmunks…maybe…they’ll sing for me…or…maybe…I’ll sing for them…who knows…

Jane