Days’d and Confused…

As much as I hate to admit it…working adds a structure to my life…that gets lost during off time…I wake up without that sense of the day in my sleep addled brain…is it Thursday…is it Friday…there is a sense of blurriness…

I tend to get lulled into complacency in the non-structure…knowing that I am more or less in charge of my time…I lose my sense of urgency for certain tasks…like my writing…my contemplation time…without the pressure of the gotta-get-to-work clock ticking…they tend to get delayed…and too often…displaced altogether…hidden somewhere under the laundry…errands…or even a good book…

It’s interesting…that when I have time to do more of the things that sustain me…that keep me sane…I tend to do less of them…there’s always that sense…I can do them in a bit…and the bit doesn’t come…

Lonely Contemplation Chair

And…it isn’t as though the things I do instead aren’t important…even necessary…in their own right…they are…the floors must be cleaned…food must be cooked…it’s a bit of the Martha and Mary conundrum…what has true value…

My heart knows the answer…it always does…I hear it speaking throughout the stillness of my unstructured days…and that is the answer…there’s too much inner noise when I work…I have to take the time to listen before I go…

That feels softer…smoothing the harsh edges I felt earlier…

My days don’t require as much time in the contemplation chair…I’m contemplating as I sweep…as I cook…as I fold…there’s a stillness in the tasks…they open the bridge between knowing and feeling…things fall into place…I continue to become who I already am…

So…in the span of this page…I am no longer pining for the loss of the structure…for my working day rituals…I welcome the blurriness of my time…I welcome not having a clear sense of the day when I awake…I welcome letting it unfold as it may…as I listen to the music of my heart…

Jane