If You Write It…They Will Read…

I admit that I have always been one of those girls who wanted to know why…just explain it to me…make it make sense…and then I’ll happily comply…well…maybe…okay…probably not…but make it make sense anyway…

Growing up…Mama had some rather nebulous rules even though they came with built in explanations…like…wear clean underwear…you might be in a wreck…so the jaws of life operator was gonna check for skid marks in my skivvies before pulling me out of a smoldering car…

Okay…I don’t wear actual skivvies…but it sounded better than panties...just setting the record straight…geez…

There were other rules that made even less sense…like…(sorry Mama)…clean your plate…there are starving children in China…never did understand the logic to that…shouldn’t I be wrapping up the leftovers and mailing them to those kids instead of eating all the Brussels sprouts myself…

I think you get the picture…I like things to make sense…to have a purpose…

So here I am…I’ve blogged all month…and I still don’t know just exactly why I’m doing it…I just keep getting this sense that writing is what I’m supposed to be doing…could be because Bertha keeps pounding me on the head with the keyboard…saying…write…write…write…

And while that is motivating…in and of itself…there’s that part of me that wants to know…what’s in it for me…I mean for real…is Oprah finally gonna discover me through my blog…am I going to become rich and famous…what…what…what…

Bertha asked me how I feel when I write…and my answer was…I feel good…clever…creative…I feel happy…alive…I love to play with words…I feel delightful…

Bertha smiled…and isn’t that reason enough…and I have to admit…it makes more sense than the underwear or the leftovers…so…I’m writing…

Jane

Off to Play Goth...

Sometime between 1966 and 1969…I first read Edgar Allan Poe…my favorite television series was Dark Shadows…Truman Capote wrote In Cold Blood… the Charles Manson murders took place…Psycho was still a big hit…and I had all the trauma and drama of an adolescent girl…

So is it any wonder that when I made my first efforts at putting my thoughts and feelings on paper that they came out as icy as a gargoyle’s stare?

Thankfully…most of those early musings are long gone…and I don’t even remember them…however…how could I forget the ending to a poem I wrote entitled…Rose Allen…it was a charmer for sure…filled with unrequited love and tragic death…here goes…

And may your life end as mine--with a trickle of blood running down your spine

With an ending like that…who needs a beginning…but I am left with a lot of questions…how was Rose Allen responsible for his death…and why didn’t she love him back…and why does he wish her death from his grave…so many questions will go unanswered…but most of all…who was I…and what was I thinking…

I can’t even remember now which macabre poem inspired it…although…I’m pretty sure there was one…maybe you remember…maybe you…like me…would have been dripping in black…if we’d only thought of it back then…

Yes…I was a bit melodramatic in the day…I suppose I still am…but at least now I know…Mama was right…in 50 years…none of this will matter much…

Mama…really…in 50 years…I’ll be 107…sometimes you’re as funny as Bertha…geez…

Jane

Sans Fans...

Weather in the south is changing…for the cooler...and although I haven’t run the air conditioner for a few weeks…last night was the first night that it was actually cool enough to sleep without fans.

No…I’m not talking about adoring well-wishers standing around my bedside cheering me on to a good night’s sleep…Bertha is laughing at that idea…she’s putting on her old cheerleader uniform…just for fun…but I digress…

It’s just that I’m one of those people who happens to be hot in bed…that’s…hot…not…HOT…think flashes…not flashing…

I can see that you are going to make this difficult for me…geez…

Anyway…I can leave the thermostat on 80 during a summer day…but at night…I’d love it to be about 68…so rather than freeze the entire house…and give a nice bonus to the electric company employees…I sleep with two fans…one on the ceiling and one on the bedside table…

So last night…when the house was already at perfect sleeping temperature…the first thing I noticed was how quiet it was in the room…I could hear the neighbors’ dogs barking…I could hear the ice dumping…I could hear the house settling…I could hear what I hoped was Bertha in the closet…trying on shoes…

It actually took a little longer than usual to fall asleep…so…I just lay there and listened…and heard nothing…and heard something…and heard nothing again…at first the dogs were annoying…and then…they were just part of the night music…music that I haven’t listened to for a while…music lulling me to sleep…

Bertha says it’s like life…it isn’t necessary to blur the sounds of my heart…even if they are annoying at first…just listen as they make their own songs…

And to quote one of my all-time favorite books…The Adventures of Stanley Kane…how nice said the pig…

Jane

Do the Lighten Up...

I’m a twin…well…sort of…my Mama only gave birth to one baby girl on May 30^th…but there are definitely two of me…AKA…Gemini…the twins…

Now I’m not one of those people who lives my life by my horoscope…although I do admit I enjoy reading them…believing the ones I like…and discounting the ones I don’t…but…for the most part the personality characteristics of the twins fits me to a tee…

However…unlike some Gemini’s…I tend to have a deep side…one that gets very serious…and down to the nitty-gritty of things…it’s just that I can’t stand to be that deep for very long…so I have to make it funny…or at least fun…

I think that’s why I love having Bertha around so much…she allows me to take some really deep philosophical and spiritual truths…truths that I love learning and practicing…and reduce them to frivolities…I get to think and play at the same time…and it just doesn’t get any better than that…

I have often wished that I was one of the serious writers…giving seven principles for this…eight steps for that…

Then again…I have figured out the Four Keys for Getting to Work…one to crank the car…one to get into the building…one to get into the main office…and one to get into my office…hmmm...I may be on to something...

Okay...sometimes…I’d love to sound like a serious expert…but I’m not…I’m the one figuring out how seeing a squirrel planting a nut in the marigold pot will have a profound effect on my life…and maybe yours…

Right now…Bertha says I’m getting a little heavy…it’s time to lighten up…I hope she means my mood…and not my derriere…nope…she says it’s both…maybe I should exercise more than my fingers…okay…I’m going…she’s right…a little exercise makes everything lighter…guess I’m not going to the contemplation chair…the squirrel thing will have to wait...

Jane

T'was the Week before Payday...

And all through the house…

No one was spending…

Not even the spouse…(yours…not mine…it rhymed…okay…geez)

The purse strings were tightened…

Secured with a knot…

Hoping no bill was somehow forgot…

Working for the school system has come with some adjustments…one of them is getting paid once a month…the cool thing is…almost magically…all of my bills come due right at payday…so…I pay all the bills for the month…and then live off of what’s left.

Simple…right? Usually…but not always. Occasionally I find that there is more month than money…and although…technically there is still some money in the bank…I really don’t want to spend any more than I have to…just in case…so I tighten the purse strings…and make-do as my Mama would say…

Of course…Bertha points out that there is an upside to not going to the grocery store for a few days…I get to be creative in my cooking…and the pantry and freezer get cleaned out…think Cornbreadgate…

I also start to look at needs and wants in a different light…what…there are only four dishwasher tablets left…panic…Bertha points out that I only run it once a week…ahhh…a month’s worth left…

What…only six garbage bags…Bertha again points out that I only use two a week…ahhh…I’ll make it…

What…almost out of tea bags…Bertha points out that it’s okay…I mostly drink water…

What…only two rolls of toilet paper…later…gator…Bertha and I are on the way to see Mr. Whipple…we’ve gotta squeeze some Charmin…some things can't be left to chance!

Jane

I'm Not Tammy...My Name is Jane...

They say your whole life flashes before you when you are drowning…well…I’m here to tell you…when the phone rings in the middle of the night…your whole future flashes before you in the few seconds it takes to get the lamp turned on and the phone answered…that is…once you’ve figure out what that horrible sound is…

At 1:30 a.m. the news can only be bad…or not your news…AKA…the wrong number…the caller seemed just as muddled as I was by the fact that I wasn’t Tammy…I wish I’d told her…No…Tammy is probably still asleep somewhere…but it’s hard to think on your feet…when you were lying down…

Heart still racing…I made the requisite trip to the bathroom before attempting to settle back down for the remaining two and a half hours of snooze time…about that time Bertha popped in to ask me what I was feeling…

My first response was to say…aggravated…but I reached down further…and realized that I was feeling relief…relief that my parents were okay…relief that my daughters and granddaughters were safe and sound…relief that no one in my family was having a crisis…that’s what I was feeling…R-O-L-A-I-D-S…doesn’t that spell relief…

So…Tammy…whoever you are…I hope that your phone call was of a pleasant nature…and that your loved ones are safe…just be sure they all put your number on speed dial from now on…okay?

Jane

I Link You Very Much

If you’ve been hanging with me for the last few weeks, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve slowly but surely been upgrading my blog page…Bertha says it’s sort of like getting the artwork hung when you move in a new place…first you have to unpack the boxes and figure out where everything is supposed to go…then you get out the hammer…

This weekend I figured out how to add links…and was able to link my blog to some women who I consider not only to be Wonder Women in their own rights…but they are some of my BFFs…most of whom I’ve barely…if at all…met…

Now…I know…you’re thinking that you’ve lived next door to your BFF since you were three…how could I possibly have several that I’ve never met…

Bertha says it’s not so hard…it’s all about opening yourself up to others…and finding that soul connection…and that can happen in an email…or a phone call…just as easily as over the back fence with a cup of coffee…

Cyberspace offers opportunities to network with women all over the world…and that’s how I met most of these wonderful women.

Over the years…I’ve witnessed these women change careers…grow businesses…overcome adversity…realize some of their dreams…and say good bye to others…I’ve seen relationships come and go…and they have witnessed the same with me…pretty much like normal BFFs…it’s just that we don’t see each other to do it…

Of course I have some wonderful BFFs that I’ve known for ages…who were there when I got married…my girls were born…I got divorced…and all of those milestones…so glad you are in my life…funny…I don’t get to see you very often either…we talk…we Facebook…we email…hmmm…

Bertha says I’m getting too long winded…so I should just say…BFFs are where you find them…and where you leave them…it doesn’t matter where they are…they just are…

Jane

Cornbreadgate...

Watergate was probably the best known cover-up attempt of all times…I say was…because it has just been surpassed…with none other than…(drumroll please)…Cornbreadgate…

For those of you doing spellcheck at this moment…it ain’t there yet…in fact, here’s the definition…

Cornbreadgate…the attempt to cover-up really bad cornbread…with lots of butter…

I’m here to tell you…it don’t work…

First of all…let me apologize to my Granny…my Mama…and to fine southern cooks everywhere…as I explain what happened…

I started with some fine locally ground yellow cornmeal…and that’s really the only required ingredient that I had…so being the clever, creative type…(who really didn’t want to go to the store)…I improvised…fat-free half and half mixed with water…and olive oil…

The results…as you may have guessed…were less than desirable…sort of flat…sort of odd tasting…even with all that butter…

Bertha just laughed when she saw it…got out the garbage can…and related that there are just some things in life that you shouldn’t even try to disguise…just dump the evidence…and pretend it never happened…wait a minute…that doesn’t sound like Bertha…unless…do you think she’s running for office…geez…

Jane

We Come in Threes

Bertha says that lessons come in threes for a reason…I’m usually not paying attention the first two times…thanks Bertha for the vote of confidence…but…she’s probably right…

Take yesterday for instance…my daughter was here for a local trail run…so of course I went along for a stroll in the woods and to cheer her on…

My first lesson encounter was right after we got there…I was on my way back from the Porta-Potty (don’t you love them)…when I noticed a group of handsome young men stretching and getting ready…one stood out from the group…he had this little band around his head…and the hair above it was all spiked…and kind of odd looking…I brushed it off to metro styles…but wondered why he’d take the time to do all that and then run through the woods for an hour or so…

My daughter later explained to me that it was a cap…she even pulled up a picture on her phone of a friend wearing one…I felt a little foolish…

Lesson encounter number two came after the racers had left my view…and like a good lizard…I was headed toward a sunny spot. There was this youngish woman in front of me…she had on one of those flappy, animal caps that are popular with the younger set…and the cutest little jeans, pink sweater, and swede boots…she was taking pictures of the delightful fall scenery…and all was well…until she turned around…and she had a full mustache and beard…

I was taken aback…I hope my mouth wasn’t gapping as I turned and headed down a trail…feeling shocked…

See how easy it looked?

Lesson encounter number three came at the end of the 5K…when my daughter came floating over the finish line…first in her age group…it looked so easy…she wasn’t even that sweaty…it was only a 5K…not the 15 she normally would have run if she’d had more time…I felt smug with pride…

Later in the afternoon, when Bertha and I were alone again, she asked me what I’d learned that day…I couldn’t think of anything…so she was happy to point out to me…that I had been jumping to conclusions…based solely on appearances…and reminded me of the three learning encounters I’d had…

Okay…I got the first two…but not the third…that’s when she ‘splained to me that while this particular race was easy for my daughter…it wasn’t effortless…she didn’t just get off the couch after a three year nap and start running…she’s spent years conditioning and training…

Of course she was right…nothing was quite as I had seen it…maybe I need new glasses…she says a new perspective is more like it…more time in the contemplation chair…geez…

Jane

Like a Bertha of Fresh Air

Most of you have figured out…if you didn’t already know…that Bertha is the character in my book…she’s also the persona of my inner self. The name came to me as a fluke when answering a friend’s question about having an empty nest. I named mine Bertha…and that was that.

A few years ago I was writing the word breath…and realized that if I rearranged the letters it would become…Bertha!

Now I thought that was about the coolest thing I’d ever seen (yes, I’ve lead a sheltered life…hang with me here)…Bertha…breath…Bertha is a breath of fresh air…how cool is that…

Wait…it gets cooler…my intention over the years has been to inspire women to heal emotionally…(Bertha’s intention is to inspire women to wear heels…she’s not having much luck with me at the moment…just saying)…

So…to make a long story longer…not long after that I heard someone say that to inspire is to take in breath…from a nursing standpoint I immediately connected the poignancy of this…breath is life…to inspire someone is to help them take in life…I liked it…

Later…being a good math student…as well as a creative type…I put 2 and 2 together and came up with…seven or eight...

To inspire—to take in Bertha…

Don’t you love it? I couldn’t have planned all that if I’d tried…although Bertha says she knew what she was doing the whole time…it just took me a while to figure her out…must be the higher math!

Jane

A Girdle by Any Other Name

I might have mentioned that I’ve relocated several of my misplaced pounds…I suppose they weren’t really lost since I found them…(well…they were hidden in such easy places…anybody eating a Twinkie could have found them)…so when I saw a book this summer that promised you could not look fat…without dieting…I plunked my money down.

And while the author did have some good tips on the style of fashions to wear to disguise different body types…I think the appropriate title for the book would have been…All Things Spanx…every chapter listed the type of restrictive undergarments that you would need to look presentable…oh…and if you were more than 10 pounds overweight…you would have to diet…giving me the subtitle for the book…How to Look Skinnier When You’re Already Skinny…

Bertha and I had a good laugh over the book…over my naïve belief that I could look skinny without losing the weight…

Then we took a drive down Memory Lane…not that we’re old…but we started wearing stockings before pantyhose hit the shelves…(often packaged in those big eggs…that made great prize eggs on Easter morning)…we donned our panty girdles with the rest of the 7^th graders…this was in the day when we had to wear dresses to school every day…no pants allowed…maybe we are old…

It was only a year or so before the eggs hatched and we were able to bid our panty girdles goodbye…and not a day too soon…

So…am I willing to look thinner by returning to restrictive undergarments? I don’t think so…but Spanx you very much for asking…

Jane

Spiel on the Floss

I went to the dentist yesterday…Bertha says it’s like pulling teeth to get me there…the woman thinks she is a comedian…geez…

It is true…I detest…going to the dentist. I’ve never liked it…well…that’s not true…going to George Francis was pretty cool back in the day…but probably only because we loved him so much…my hometown peeps know who I mean…but I digress…

Back to yesterday…I don’t like going to the dentist…I don’t like sitting with my mouth open for that long…it hurts my jaws…I don’t like the sounds of the drills…the feel of the water or vacuum…and I particularly don’t like the fact that they come after me with a jackhammer, pickax, and chisel on cleaning day…

Today was cleaning day…laying there with my mouth stuffed with four instruments and two hands…I was chastised for not taking better care of my teeth…AKA…not flossing…

And besides the fact that my mouth was full of the afore mentioned items…and perhaps a tennis ball thrown in just for fun (I saw that Far Side comic)…there was nothing I could say in my defense…I am an inconsistent flosser…that’s just the truth of the matter…I do floss…but not every day…not like I should…

Finally, the chipping and chiseling were over…I’d made my next torture appointment…and settled into the driver’s seat…contemplating the possibility of a liquid dinner…when Bertha popped up from the backseat…

The point she made was simple…why don’t I floss every day…it would be better for my teeth and gums…there wouldn’t be nearly as much jackhammering on my next appointment…it only takes about a minute to do…why do I let things get out of hand before I handle them…

Hmmmm…I shoved an imaginary tennis ball into my mouth and refused to answer…seems like I need some more time in the contemplation chair…think I’ll floss while I’m sitting there…

Oh…and the inspiration for the title…George Elliot’s The Mill on the Floss…

Jane

Swimming Through the Day

I left for work in a really good mood yesterday. I stayed in a good mood for breakfast duty…that’s manning the cafeteria with two teachers while K-7 have breakfast…and the morning went pretty well…

Until…I went to lunch…there’s no real going to lunch when you’re a school nurse…you just try to sneak out of your office for a minute…only to be found…sometimes multiple times. Yesterday it went something like this…eat half my lunch…meet with a parent who was bringing some medicine to a child I’d called about earlier…go get the child…meet another parent in the hall bringing a new prescription for her child (think paperwork)…and sending another child home…then go back…eat the rest of your lunch…thinking the worst is behind you…

WRONG…from that point…I saw about 20 kids…in forty minutes…which would have been manageable had one kid walked in my little office every two minutes…but they came in two’s…they came in four’s…I had them sitting in the floor in the hall…at one time there were eight K-2^nd graders waiting for me…

And to add chaos to the bedlam…there were high school kids popping in for peppermints on their way back from lunch…I finally hid the jar…but it didn’t matter…it was empty by then…

Bertha…where was Bertha during all of this…I think she was in the classrooms…egging the teachers on to send more kids…she does have a warped sense of humor sometimes…

When all was said and done…and the kids…for the most part…had gone back to class…or home…or somewhere…I whined…not about the kids…but that they all came at once…about being overwhelmed…about losing my cool…losing my compassion…losing my sense of humor…(which I later found in the empty peppermint jar…thankfully)…

In response to my whining…Bertha said life is a lot like swimming under water…you’ve got to learn to hold your breath for a long time…cause you don’t always know when you can come up for air…

So…I’m holding my breath as I type…might as well get ready for today…and all I can say is…send them one at a time…every two minutes…come on…please…

Jane

Closet Romance

I finally tackled the closet…or at least addled it a bit…Bertha is holding on to its leg…trying to bring it down…but it could take a bit.

The funny thing is…I started at 5:00 p.m. yesterday afternoon. I’ve had all weekend…if not Labor Day weekend…if not all summer…to do it…and I finally started yesterday afternoon at five o’clock.

Sometimes I wonder…what exactly motivated me to start at that exact moment…when so many seemingly more apropos moments have come and gone? Well…I really don’t have an answer for that…and Bertha’s so busy holding on to the closet…(I think she’s really playing with the shoes)…that she’s not ‘splaining…wonders never cease!

From Feng Shui…I’ve learned that clearing clutter makes room for new things…stirs things up…creates new energy…and since my closet is in the romance section of my house…well…I may or may not tell you who…I mean what…shows up in my life once the clutter settles…

Happy Monday…I’m off to work…

Jane

Google Eyes

I just spent some time Googling myself…somehow that doesn’t sound quite wholesome…does it? Hmmm…

I really wanted to see if the internet spiders had picked up my blog and how hard it would be for someone to find it just by doing a search…but I found out so much more…for instance did you know that…on April 26, 2010 I was on a waiting list for a hike with a Meetup group that I belong to? No? Well you would have if you had Googled Jane Carroll Cowart.

There were other references to me…comments I’ve posted…that kind of thing…of course Bertha-Size Your Life was listed…and I did find the blog on page four of that search…page one when searched by Life According to Jane…

But I just kept going back to that Meetup waiting list…how could something so obscure be significant enough to be on page two of a search of my name?

Bertha says that’s the way it is in life as well…quite often it’s the obscure things that we do…that we don’t even notice…that are meaningful and memorable to others…

I think back to comments I’ve had from patients…how much something I did meant to them…things I don’t even remember…some tiny act of kindness…touched their lives…

Now…I have to ask myself (says Bertha)…how many times is the reverse true…how many times have I hurt another by a random act of indifference…or rudeness? I really don’t want to think about it…but Bertha says I have to…so I’m off to contemplation time…I think it’s her version of time-out…geez…

Bertha’s advice for the day…have fun…Google yourself…you just might be surprised by what you find!

How Much is That Dogma in the Window?

To blog or not to blog? It’s a choice every morning. So far, I have eagerly chosen YES…I’m loving writing again…sharing with my friends…and meeting new friends along the way. And I hope it will always remain a labor of love…love of me…love of you…love of writing…and yes…love of Bertha!

But…I know me…and I know what starts out as a good idea…often turns into a rigid standard that’s hard for me to accomplish…and I become the zombie robot…getting up before most of you even get to bed…saying…I have to write the blog…I have to write the blog…(Think the old Duncan Donut commercial and you’ll get the picture.)

I did it with riding my bicycle…it started as a good way to burn some extra calories…I loved the sense of freedom of pedaling down the road with the butterflies…feeling the wind on my face…but it quickly became a solo competition to ride ‘er’…further, harder, faster, longer. What had once been enjoyable excursions soon became grueling workouts that left me exhausted…without the sense of pleasure derived from the butterflies and wind.

On days that I had other obligations and couldn’t ride…I felt guilty…like I’d broken a rule or something. It was not until my body demanded that I stop altogether…that I realized how obsessed I had become.

I’ve been listening to a series of inspirational CDs on the drive to work for several years…I started it because I loved the message…the drive to work is about 30 minutes…it was a great time to listen…then one day I forgot to switch from radio to CD…probably because I liked the song that was playing…or maybe I was distracted…when I realized that I was almost at work…and was listening to the radio…I felt guilty…that’s right…guilty…like I was supposed to be listening to the CD…

Bertha says I’ve done it with so many things that there isn’t room in cyberspace to list them all…I don’t think it’s that bad…but…I agree that has been my tendency…she says it’s turning coulds into shoulds…and I guess that’s as good a way of saying it as any…

I do know that I’m making an effort to be kinder to myself this year…and that means creating less shoulds. So does that mean that I should create less shoulds? Don’t worry…Bertha will get that straightened out…she’s already fetching her soapbox…so I’ll try to sneak out before she notices I'm gone…

I do want to include a link for the inspiration of today’s title…for those of you who are too young to remember…How Much is That Doggie in the Window…

Winning at the Tracks

I don’t know about you…but I’m one of those people who is usually in a hurry when I drive. I mean I wouldn’t be driving if I wasn’t’ trying to get somewhere…duh…

So the train crossing that I go through every day on my way to and from school…you know the one with no apparent schedule…the one that sends a train at will…usually when I’m running late…can be quite annoying.

Waiting at the train tracks used to drive me nuts…I’d sit there frantically worrying that I was going to be late for work. And I’d get that rushed energy feeling that just ruins my whole day. Until one day Bertha happened to be riding with me when the steaming locomotive…the one that even an un-superman could be more powerful (and faster) than…came looming by.

As I prepared my entourage of excuses for my upcoming tardiness…(which is ridiculous since my principal is quite aware of the train and has never mentioned what time I show up for work…and I’m usually early…which means with the delay…I’m on time…geez)…Bertha seemed quite excited about the interruption of the morning.

She explained to me that waiting for a train to pass was probably the only time of my day that no one could ask anything of me. No one could demand that I do anything…all I could do was sit and wait for the few minutes that it took for the caboose to arrive.

I hate to say it…but of course she’s right…and from that day I’ve started to appreciate…not look forward to…but appreciate the time that I spend at the tracks. I usually carry a book with me…it’s a great time to meditate…or organize my day in my mind…I could even file my nails or touch up my make-up…or just roll the windows down and enjoy the breeze. I spend way too much time rushing…it’s kind of nice to slow down once in a while.

Jane

Let My Puppies Go!

Most of us were at least in diapers in the 60’s when women in great numbers started to roar.  The night skies were alight with bonfires burning…what else—their bras?  But not me.  I had waited way too long to sprout enough to need a bra—how could I give it up without a fight?  So I kept my medieval torture chamber with straps, wearing it proudly as a badge of honor for that rite of passage.

Motherhood brought on a whole new bra phase—the nursing bra became my constant companion.  Never leave home, go to bed, or even take a shower without it.  Wet, sour and sagging…enough said. 

Next entered the divorced bras.  You know the ones, décolleté and slinky.  So what if I had to roll the girls up to get them in there?  

Now I’m a boomer A.K.A. ‘bloomer’.  Those days of wishing to fill up a B cup have long gone.  Years, gravity, and pounds have had their toll and now we’re into extra heavy-duty industrial bras.  They come complete with enough steel wire to retread the radials on my car.  They poke and pinch and otherwise annoy me until dinner time…that’s when I’ve had enough.  At that point, where am I going and who’s coming here?  After dinner it’s all bras off.  Ah, sweet freedom.  The only thing is…my friends don’t understand why I have dinner at 2 o’clock!

Jane

Want Some Stew, Scarlett?

I’m enjoying revisiting some of my old writing. That’s the thing about writing from your heart…it always speaks to you…even years later. So, I thought I’d share a bit of an older piece I wrote…with Bertha’s new twist. That girl does love to ‘twist and shout’…what can I say!

So many elephants…elephants in the room…everyone knows…nobody speaks…look the other way…pretend…ignore…deny…lie…hide…harbor… lonely…sad…scared…big…elephant…

Why won’t we talk about the elephant in the room…it takes up so much space…there isn’t room to sit down…and it stinks…besides it’s just so ridiculous…one of us should just say…‘there’s an elephant in here’…but nobody speaks…not even the elephant…it just sits and eats…and gets larger…until there is no room for us…and we both go out different windows…scared and alone…and somehow the elephant follows both of us… even as we go our separate ways…

But this is writing…I can make it go any way I choose…

There’s an elephant in the middle of the room…I don’t know how it got there…I didn’t invite it…did you…I didn’t think so…what do you think it wants…why is it here…why don’t you ask it…hey elephant…what’s up…not much…I’m just taking a break…needed a place to sit for a spell…do you know any games…no we don’t play games…that’s no fun says the elephant as it walks out the door…

Obviously, I wrote this about a relationship…and it’s true for any relationship…but here’s Bertha’s twist…

It only takes two to have an elephant impasse…that’s right…you (me) and the elephant. You know…those things we choose to play Scarlett about…refusing to think about until tomorrow. Things like…you know…I think I’ll let you make your own list…just remember…whatever it is…the more we ignore it…the more it grows…

Well…seems I have some thinking…and cooking to do…anyone for elephant stew?

Jane

Raindrops...

Woke up this morning with wet streets. Funny, I remember how excited my parents would get about rain when I was young and I’d roll my eyes and shake my head…what’s the big deal…it’s just rain?

Now I understand…I pay the water bill…I know about drying lawns and shrubs…I understand about gardens and crops and eking a living from the soil. I understand that now and I appreciate it.

I could almost hear my roses singing when I walked out to be certain that the hydrating drops were actually falling…and there was a tiny tree frog clinging to my door frame…guess he was excited, too.

I appreciate the cleansing nature of rain…how it washes away the pollen that has been plaguing me for these dry weeks…giving me itchy eyes and fits of sneezing. Yes…a good rain settles the dust…makes things green…and makes the air smell so good. I love a good rain…now.

Of course, everything in balance…as Bertha would say…too much rain causes flooding and molding and root rot…and all manner of ills…not the least of which is my bad mood after days and days of grey, drippy skies.

Bertha also relates that balance to life…and I’m sure she’s right…a dry spell does make you more appreciative of a rainy day…while too much of a good thing leaves you feeling soggy and grumpy…

But for today…I’m not going to think that deeply…I’m going to enjoy this bit of rain…the forecast said it won’t last very long…so as the old southern saying goes…I’ll make hay while the sun shines…wait…somehow that’s backwards…I’ll have to get back to you with another saying…on another day…

Jane

Beep, Beep!

Acme…admit it…the word reminds you of Wile E. Coyote…and his never ending pursuit to catch the Road Runner. The Acme box would arrive…and he’d be blowing up something…usually himself…but never…ever…the Road Runner.

Bertha and I were reminiscing about those good old days of wholesome cartoons…although perhaps a coyote with a dynamite plunger really isn’t that wholesome…but I digress…when she floored me with an insight.

Seems to Bertha…we are all a bit villainous ourselves…continuingly trying the same old tricks and never getting the wanted results. Opening Acme boxes of the latest weight loss gimmicks…only to have the pounds blow up in our faces. Watching the same movies, reading the same books…only to continue to think the same thoughts. Thinking the same thoughts…only to find we feel the same. Dating the same type of man…believing that this one will be different…only to end up alone and confused. Maxing out our credit cards…thinking this month I’ll pay them off…only to end up further in debt.

Well…she said a whole lot more than that…we are talking about Bertha…she said Albert Einstein was probably thinking about us when he defined insanity…doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Of course she had recommendations on how we can regain our sanity…and change our results…

Try something different…get off the sofa and take a walk in the fresh air…read a different type of book…Bertha-Size Your Life does come to mind…try a new food…(but she slapped my hand when I reached for a new brand of caramel candy at the store…hey she should have been more specific)…join a new group…volunteer…smile…spend some time getting to know yourself…set a budget and follow it…leave the lounge lizards at the lounge…better yet…stop going to the lounge…her list was endless…but I think you get the picture…

Thankfully, all of those weren’t directed at me…and hopefully not at you, either…but once Bertha gets on a roll…there’s not much stopping her…best to let her ramble…

I’m still thinking about that caramel candy…maybe I could sneak out and get some without her knowing…what do you think…insanity?

Jane

Eat...Pray...Blog

Reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love touched me. I snatched my daughter’s copy…it wasn’t speaking to her…it said volumes to me. I related to the ending of an important relationship, I’ve always been a spiritual person…and the hope of new love…well I needed that most of all.

The book resonated with me for the moment and then I was on to something else…or was I?

Bertha only pointed out to me yesterday as I was buying some lovely fall fashions…in yet a larger size…that I had gotten stuck in the Eat stage. I know that it’s true…I eat for comfort…when I’m scared…mad…sad…I eat. And that’s what I had been doing for about two years…eating…and undoing the weight loss efforts of the years before. Once again…I had become what I ate…a muffin…darn carbs…

Thankfully, before I could totally berate myself for each of those regained pounds…the Pray stage came along. It wasn’t the smooth, clear-cut transition in the book…no hopping on a plane and landing in the land of mysticism…no it followed brain surgery…well…I didn’t know I was on her path or I would have chosen an ashram in India…give me a break!

Brain surgery was actually a time of nothing…no emotions…it was just blah. It wasn’t until the summer when I started to feel good again that the spiritual starvation was upon me. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough…I’ve read so many books and have established my own rituals of prayer and meditation that includes sending love and light to others…

I’ll back up just a bit to the nothing…nothing is ever wasted…(pun intended)…feeling no emotion I was able to revisit situations and relationships from my past and truly understand and forgive…them and me. It was a nice benefit…but I wouldn’t recommend the surgery just for that outcome…

I think I’m still in Pray…in fact…I know I am…and that’s just fine…I do find that my eating is in check once again…as I practice loving not only God but myself and my body…it’s easier to feed those emotions without carbs.

So…I haven’t made it to Love…yet…but I have made it to Blog… which  precedes Love…I’ve reached the place where I can open myself up to myself and others…and be vulnerable…and isn’t that what love really is?

Jane

Un-Cheers

Remember the lyrics for theme song from the sitcom Cheers…where everybody knows my name? Well, when you live in a small southern town of around 3500 people…it ain’t just words…it’s a fact.

And although it is usually quite comforting to be known, there are just some days when I want to remain incognito. You know those days when you have been puttering around the house in your PJs and discover you’re out of milk? Do you shower, make-up, and dress-up…or do you throw on dark glasses and make a run for it…only to see everyone you’ve known since first grade?

As I sit here…not wanting to go to Wally World because my hair is dirty…I can’t help but wonder…does Queen Elizabeth have these days? Is there ever a day that she just can’t abide the thought of putting on her suit and matching Pillbox? Does she ever just want to slip on sweats and go out to meet the day…and could the royal guard keep their straight faces if she did…and what would be the ramifications of that…would the world as we know it end…maybe she’s gonna do it next year…and that’s what’s up with the Mayan calendar…they knew ahead of time…hmmmm…

There’s so much to think about when I procrastinate…I could have washed my hair…put on some makeup…and been half-way to the store by now…but what fun would that have been?

I wonder if I added a scarf to those sunglasses…

Jane 

Say...Can You Spare Some Change?

Some people find messages in bottles…I find them in songs. Often, I wake up with a song on my mind…and not always one I’ve heard recently. Think the old tune…Catch a Falling Star and Put It in Your Pocket…where did that one come from? I don’t have a clue…but there it was welcoming me out of the dream world the other day. Bertha thought it was a hoot when I told her…I think she has a crush on Perry Como…go figure.

Anyway, last Saturday morning I was still playing with the idea of starting a blog…or doing something with my writing. Interestingly…the first two songs on the radio that morning were…Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel and Cool Change by Little River Band…I took them as my message. I must have been being stubborn…it took two to do the job…but here I am writing…so it must have worked.

Yesterday I struggled a bit with the post…sharing it was pretty vulnerable…sort of like those dreams where you show up naked at Church… and the song that played for encouragement was…Say (What You Need to Say) by John Mayer.

That message got me. It’s easy to say what I want to say when I write. To hide my true self behind Pollyanna words…nice and safe…but it’s harder to say what I need to say. I’m not even sure what that’s gonna be from day-to-day.

Bertha says I’ll figure it out as the words flow…and Walking on Sunshine starts to play. And don’t it feel good!

Jane

Showing Up

Bertha says I need to share some of my older stuff…stuff I’ve never shared…even with the one it was written to…because sharing is healing for me and for you…

I know I had some pretty raw dreams last night, knowing that I would be posting this today. Dreams that revealed yet another layer within my heart that wants to heal…Bertha says that is a good thing…and I know it is and will be when the rawness subsides…here goes…

My ring is engraved…love life…be brave…and I wonder…do I really love life…and am I brave at all…what does it mean to be brave…does it mean more than just showing up…or is showing up the bravest thing of all…sometimes it is the hardest thing to do…to show up…to be present when there’s a pain in my heart…or a knot in my gut…just showing up…smiling…touching…healing… hearing… caring…can sometimes be overwhelming…but that’s showing up at its finest.

I never meant to hurt you…and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me either…and yet we have hurt each other on many occasions…I tend to think that I’m justified…when I look at what you did to me…like a small child…he started it…he looked at me funny…and as I tell the kids…SOOOOOOOO…that doesn’t meant that you can do something back…take the high road…turn the other cheek…it seems more noble when I’m telling the kids what to do…

I said I love you…and I think I do…but I have sold you short so many times…how can that be love…how can that be honor…it’s easy to believe the worst in you…because it’s easy to believe that I deserve the worst from you…and that’s not exactly true either…I’m not sure what it is…maybe it’s easier to write about chocolate…

Smooth and creamy…sweet and dark…satisfying…

I want to see your goodness…I want to see mine as well…right now…I’m not so sure about me…but I don’t want to get stuck there…I want to work through all this…I want to come out on the other side…stronger… whole…healthy…and I hope we make it there together…I’m not sure if we will or not…but I know that I have to go regardless…I have to face the ugly truth…and the beautiful truth…and embrace both of them…I have to move forward…I have to…there isn’t a choice…well…I guess there is always a choice…but I don’t want to stay where I am…alone…afraid…so I’ll take the journey…

There is so much I want to tell you…and I’m so afraid…afraid that you will reject me…but…we have nothing now…no trust…no tenderness…so what do we have to lose…

Jane

Ordinary

It’s an ordinary life, good and solid, few thrills and chills, just days end to end like elephants on parade. Then why is there such longing for things unheard, un-tasted, untouched? Why is there such longing for more than enough? I have enough of everything: enough food, enough house, enough clothes, enough money, enough children, enough career. So how can enough not be enough? How can the longing devour the solidness of my days and nights? Longing, like a termite eating away at the foundation of my life, creating ever such tiny holes in my contentment and as those tiny holes grow my whole world collapses into longing—shattered—splintered—ordinary.

I wrote this several years ago while journaling. In fact, it was to be part of the closing of my next book…you know the one I never finished…but I digress. It is one of my favorite things I have ever written. It just gets to the heart of how I sometimes feel.

The funny thing was…it wasn’t what I meant to be writing about…it just slipped out…found its way onto the page…as things seem to have a way of doing. That’s what I love about writing. It brings out the parts of me that I try to hide even from myself. Some people call it automatic writing, some call it channeling…Bertha says the only time I get quite enough to listen to her is when I’m writing…who knows…who cares…it works for me.

Jane

Just for Today

I love the five principles of Reiki…think you will enjoy them as well.

Just for today:

I will not be angry

I will not worry

I will be grateful

I will work hard

I will be kind to all living things

Although these points are enough to change my life, Bertha…being Bertha…points out that the principles can be changed to whatever I need them to be. The life-changing part is “just for today”.

So when I look at my life of late it becomes:

Just for today I will do 30 minutes of yoga after work

Just for today I will write a blog

Just for today I will practice Reiki for 10 minutes

Just for today I will not eat ice cream

Okay…in the words of Meatloaf…two out of three ain’t bad.

I love that I that I don’t have to concern myself with tomorrow…it’s only for today and today feels just right.

One Tomato, Two Tomato

One of my favorite things about summer is vine ripe tomatoes. Ain’t nothing better than a tomato on fresh loaf bread with a good slathering of mayonnaise. Of course, I do other things with them as well. I cook with them, put them in salads, and just eat them as a side dish sprinkled in salt.

Yes ma’am, I love me some tomatoes. And yet, I seem to take them for granted. I know the season is coming to an end…the weather is cooler and the leaves are falling. Frost is on the way. So why did I take them for granted?

The Farmer’s Market was closing on Saturday for the season. I planned for days to go and buy one last basket of tomatoes. But come Saturday morning I was in no particular hurry and I could have been. I just chose to read and write and sit on the porch in the sunshine. It was a lovely morning and I must say I enjoyed it but…

I arrived at the Farmer’s Market with cash in hand to find an empty tomato table. It was close to noon; the tomatoes sold out at 10:30. I bought some shelled peas. I bought some baby yellow squash. I bought some fresh ground cornmeal. It could be the perfect meal…if only I had a red, ripe, juicy tomato…

Oh, wait…I still have two left from last week…think I’ll have a sandwich while I cook my peas!

In the Flow

In the last month I have started three new things…yoga…Reiki… writing. All three of these are very important to me and I’m excited about them. The problem is…WHEN do I find the time to do them? Get up early? I already get up at 4:00…and 3:00 is out of the question. Ain’t gonna happen!

So here I am…little whips in hand…self-flagellating…about the situation when Bertha enters stage left and reminds me of my intention for the year. It was simple…be gentle with myself.

Of course she expounded…we are talking about Bertha! I don’t have to set my expectation to do yoga every day. Right now I’m taking a private class one evening per week. What feels doable? Just that one day? Maybe two days…three? Does it have to be a lengthy session?

The same with Reiki…how much do I feel like I can practice/study in a day…and how many days a week?

Writing…well I’ve already decided that I will let that evolve as it does.

Bertha reminds me that being gentle with myself is more about letting things evolve instead of having firm expectations.

Then she gave me a meditation image for the day… a leaf floating on a stream…

I still don’t have an answer to how I’m going to fit it all in…but it feels better to flow into it than to force it…so that’s what I’ll do…

Jane

The Many Faces of Jane

After several years of not writing, I have decided to succumb to the gentle stirrings (Bertha rattling the cages of the prison I’d locked her in and screaming like a banshee) from within and start a blog.

As the author of Bertha-Size Your Life, I felt compelled at first to make it a Bertha-Blog. Similar to the one I’d done when promoting the book. Each entry would be either a full Bertha story or a synopsis of one. The thought of Bertha felt good. Even if she is ‘an imaginary friend’ she’s a good one and she’s been around for many years…she’s comfortable as a well-worn shoe…a stiletto albeit…but a shoe just the same.

And as good as that felt…it wasn’t quite a fit anymore…maybe I have a new bunion…or the sole is too worn. Anyway, I’m not promoting a book now. I’m not creating a brand, as the online marketers tout. I’m not really trying to sell anything, although if anyone would like a Bertha…they are still on Amazon and she’d love to come home with you. For once, I’m just being me and there are many sides to me. While I love writing Bertha stories, sometimes I just want to write a blip and go. Occasionally I’m in a pondering mood that doesn’t quite fit Bertha’s elaborate style.

So I have decided to begin a blog and let it be whatever it wants to be. It may be a quote…it may be a blip…or a burp…or a Bertha…or something in between…but it will be me.

I’m not promising you much of anything. Remember I’m not selling…so I don’t feel that I need to promise a daily or even a weekly addition. I’ll write as Spirit moves me and let it go from there. I’m not asking much of you either. Just stop by when you have a minute and you want to catch up. If you enjoy what you read, come often and send your friends.

Jane