Blog for Rent...

Well...not really...but...as you know...the blog...Life According to Jane...has moved to the new Jane Carroll Author website...same great blogs...just a different location...

I hope you'll join...me...and...Bertha...at our new home...just click on the above links...and you'll go right there...we'll leave the light on for you...

Jane

There’s a New Page in Town…

I know…I’m kind of strange…okay…a lot strange…but…I sort of get attached to things…and…when…it’s time to replace them…I feel…guilty…like…I’m hurting their feelings…

Case in point…I bought a Townie…a cruiser type of bicycle…and…rode it for a couple of years…going places…and riding distances…that were fairly noteworthy…but…finally…one day…it was time…to get a fancy Trek road bike…and…I love it…but…for the longest time…I felt guilty every time I took it out for a spin…and left the Townie in the garage…

See…I wasn’t kidding when…I said I was strange…

So…anyway…here’s the deal…most of you have seen my beautiful new website…I love it…Rebbekah White and Kim Mutch Emerson…did a great job with it…I think it really captures…my personality…and Bertha’s spirit…perfectly…

There’s just one thing…I feel guilty…when I visit the old blog…I feel like I’m being disloyal to it or something…and…I’ve been double posting…which is really kind of ridiculous…if you think about it…

I’ve said it was…because…I have some friends…who have subscribed to the old blog via email…and…the new site doesn’t have that option at this point…but…Bertha…says…it goes deeper than that…

She…says…it’s the blog…that got me started writing again…that connected me with some wonderful friends…that helped me find my voice again…and…that’s why it is hard to leave it…

And…I suppose she’s right…I am connected to that blog…but…I’ve made a choice…to continue growing into…the writer…the person…that I am…and…just like with the bicycle…it’s time for the next step…

So…this will be my last double post…for some of you…your last post via email…for now at least…I hope you’ll still come by and visit…I’ll miss you if you don’t…

Oh…and…all the old posts are archived here…so…you can still find your favs…right on the new site…

And…when I think about it…it really wasn’t such a difficult move…no boxes…no moving trucks…just lots of fond memories…to rearrange…

Jane

Swim Dress Ready…

I got an email today…from a health and fitness magazine…touting that I could be bikini ready in…four weeks…I deleted it…

Now…I hate to sound negative…but…come on…I’ve never been bikini ready…not even when I had the body for it…actually…way back in the day…Mama wouldn’t even let me have a two-piece…much less a bikini…I think I got my first two-piece…maybe my senior year in high school…and trust me…it wasn’t skimpy…and…I could count the number I’ve had since then…on my fingers…probably on one hand…

So…it got me to wondering…if I were young…and…thin…today…would I still be too self-conscious to wear a bikini…probably…but…I’ve digressed from what was originally on my mind…

The article…                                                         

I have to wonder…how could anyone who was actually…overweight…and…out of shape…be bikini ready in four weeks…I mean…think about it…on a reasonable diet…I could expect to lose a maximum of 10 pounds…in a month…and…with a really dedicated workout schedule…I could tone some…but…not from flab to washboard abs…

So…I’m thinking…this program…is a lot like that book that I bought last summer…that claimed…you could look thinner without losing weight…all you had to do was wear…a full spanx body armor…not sure how that would look in a bathing suit…oh…but…wait…if you were more than 10 pounds overweight…you’d better diet…

So…maybe the article should have read…if you are within three pounds of your goal weight…and…reasonably in shape…you can be bikini ready in four weeks…for the rest of you…better luck next year…and…here’s a link…for swim dresses…

Which then reminds me of the best title…other than…Bertha-Size Your Life!...that I ever saw…I Know why the Manatee SwimsNaked (I’ve Shopped for Bathing Suits, Too)…it just kinda sums it all up…doesn’t it…

Jane

Truffles Anyone…

Yesterday was the perfect day…for pulling weeds…it was cloudy and cool…and then it rained…and remained pleasant for a couple of hours until the sun came out…so the temperature was just right…and the ground was soft…perfect for weed pulling…

I have to admit…I’ve had plenty of…reasons…AKA…excuses…for not completing the job before…I’m not sure why yesterday inspired me…maybe…it was a blog I read recently…about how spiritual it felt to weed…

And…quite honestly…the entire experience of being out in nature…hearing the birds…feeling the breeze…smelling the nearby roses…and…just being alone with my thoughts…actually was spiritual…but…so is sitting in my Granny’s rocker…so…don’t get too excited…

Anyway…as I was pulling weeds from the dry creek…I decided it was time to clean out the pot from last year’s asparagus fern…it had become infested with vetch…that had wandered over…from the empty lot next door…I wasn’t sure what I wanted to plant there…but…job one was to clean it out…as I clipped away at the vetch…I noticed the strangest thing…right in the center of last year’s dead fronds…was…a baby asparagus fern…pretty as you please…it was a mild winter…it hadn’t completely died…I carefully…trimmed out the dead fronds and weeds…delighted with my baby fern…

Then…there was the pot of lamb’s ear…it had hung in there for most of the winter…before biting the dust…I started to clean out the pot…and…yep…there were the cutest little lamb’s ears you ever wanted to pet…right there under all those dead leaves…

The mosquito geranium…is making a comeback as well…

Now…I’m not promoting procrastination…although…I could be the poster child…it did make me think…if I had dumped these plants in March…like I kept telling myself that I should…I would have thrown away…my baby plants…

What I’m thinking is…I really wasn’t procrastinating after all…I was listening to my instinct…and…my instinct…said…wait…at least…that’s my story…and I’m sticking to it…

Bertha…rolled her eyes…and…said something about…even a blind pig…finding…a truffle once in a while…

Hmmm…wonder what she meant by that…

Jane  

But…It Was on Sale…

A bargain is only a bargain…if…you need it! ~Bertha

I must admit…I’ve done it…it…being…buying something…that…I wasn’t shopping for…that…I have a questionable need for…simply because…it was there…and…it was…such a good deal…

Now…Bertha…has been quick to point out the fallacy of this…yes…that’s the same…Bertha…who wouldn’t pass up a shoe sale…on a dare…probably not even a double-dog dare…and…we all know…the power of the double-dog…

Anyway…when I proudly display my latest…good deal…she has started asking me…these…stupid…hmmm…I mean…these questions…

Do I need it…does it match anything I have…does it fit…do I love it…would I have bought it at full price…

Then…like a dog with a bone…she goes on…

What about the cost…how does the 50% I paid…fit into my budget…and…she reminds me…$200 worth of bargains…is still $200…even…if the receipt says I saved…$200…I still spent…$200…and…somehow…when it comes to my bank balance…that ain’t really saving…

She’s right of course…and…I’m busted…as I remember the arm loads of clearance clothes…still sporting tags…that I eventually gave away…because…they either never fit…well…I meant to lose weight…geez…or…I never found anything…just that shade…of…periwinkle…or…chartreuse…to pull it off…and that…oh…I can always wear it with black…doesn’t always get it either…

Bertha…says…it’s actually part of living my truth…asking myself the…questions…as she calls them…before I make a purchase…especially…an impulse purchase…and…if…the answers…are…no…then…putting it back on the rack…and…walking away…

I have a feeling…I’m going to be doing quite a bit of walking in the future…I wonder…will that count as exercise…hmmm…

Jane

Where Have All the Dresses Gone…

This morning…I wanted to sit on my porch…and…I really didn’t want to get dressed…but…I really didn’t want sit out in my nightgown…either…not…that anybody could really see me…not like most of my neighbors were even up…well…except for one neighbor…who brings her dog out early…and…can see my side porch from her yard…so…I guess it was for her…that I decided to get dressed…

As I poked through my closet…I didn’t find a thing to meet my needs…it was then I remembered…those dresses that I used to have…that my friend referred to as…indoor-outdoor dresses…loose…baggy…not requiring foundation undergarments…just as comfy as a nightgown…but…a little more respectable…when answering the door…or venturing out for the mail…

A sense of nostalgia swept across me…not unlike the wind blowing tumbleweeds across the plains…where had all my…indoor-outdoor dresses…gone…I knew I didn’t have them anymore…but…I dug…in the bottom of drawers…just in case…only to come up…with painting shorts…and…a lab coat…leftover from my hospital days…and…I continued to remember…housedresses…muumuus…dusters…none of which were in my closest…

I settled on wearing…baggy shorts…and…a baggier tee…they served the purpose…sans foundation undergarments…but…somehow they just aren’t the same…I want nostalgia…I want an indoor-outdoor dress…and…I think…I just might look for one…today…but...that would require...undergarments...hmmm...

Jane

On a Wet Tin Roof…

I love the sound of rain…on a tin roof…the ping…ping…ping…so relaxing…mesmerizing…unfortunately…I don’t have one…but…what I do have…is a gutter…and…when the rain hits the gutter…it makes that same…pinging…sound…

That’s the sound I heard yesterday morning…right after I got up…before I turned on the radio…loud enough…to wake the neighbors down the street…I could hear the soft landing…of so many little drops…as they hit the gutter…before sliding down into the yard…

I admit it…it was dark…but…I went outside anyway…so…I could hear it better…such a soothing sound…it really didn’t matter…that…I didn’t have a tin roof…I had a gutter…

Bertha…reminded me of a phrase…that…Granny…used to say a lot…and…that is…making do…

Now…I’m sure…most of you are familiar with that phrase…and…in these economic times…there’s still a lot of making do…essentially…doing without…

At first glance…the phrase does seem to mean…settling…settling for something less than what I want…because…I can’t afford it…or otherwise can’t have it…but…Bertha…had me to look at it again…as…making peace with where I am…enjoying what I currently have…and…still being hopeful…for more…

I like the change in that perspective…making do…no longer feels negative…like something to endure…and…I think about my non-tin roof…it’s only a couple of years old…and…as much as I love the sound…I see no reason to consider replacing the roof with tin…not…when I have gutters…I love going outside during the rain…sitting on the porch…in Granny’s rocker…listening to the…ping…ping…ping…

Besides…something tells me…if I had a tin roof…it…would…get hot…and…Bertha…would…put the cat on it…and…then…where would I be…

Jane

Waste Not…

I just read an article…by my friend…ChristyBirmingham…about…walking into a pole on a walk…and…it got me to thinking…for me…as a writer…nothing is wasted…literally no life event…no matter how embarrassing…gets put in file thirteen…it shows up on the page…eventually…albeit…often disguised…

I suppose that’s a good thing…it certainly brings a level of…humanity…to my writing…but…sometimes…I wonder…does sharing my…darkest…goofiest…moments…leave my readers with the impression…of me as…inept…neurotic…bumbling…

Bertha…says…not to worry…my writing…doesn’t make people think that way about me…no…she…says…they…already…knew those things…and…they loved me anyway…

She’s quite the comedian…geez…

Jane

Bertha’s Number One!

When I graduated from nursing school…back when we rode…dinosaurs…and all that…there was a two-day event…shortly after graduation…called…State Boards…there were five sections to the test…and you had to pass all five…in order to get your license…

Well…two days of testing was bad enough…but…then…you had to wait six weeks for the results…six…long…grueling…weeks…I might add…when…you had a gut feeling…but…no assurance…

I remember getting those results in the mail…on a Saturday afternoon…as we were leaving our apartment…I had passed…and…not only that…I had scored high enough…that I could get a license in any state without having to take an exam…even though…I wasn’t planning to go anywhere…that was a relief…

I remember that feeling…of understated elation that I felt…I remember once husband asking…why…I was so excited…he knew I was going to pass all along…

I remember explaining to him…that…he just didn’t understand…this was something that I would always have…that no one could take away from me…that it would go with me…wherever I went…it was a huge deal…he never really understood…but…that’s okay…he didn’t have to…

Yesterday…I had a similar experience…when…Bertha-Size Your Life!...the Kindle version…reached Amazon’s bestseller status…

It’s the same thing…she doesn’t have to stay there…in fact…this morning…she’d dropped…but…although…I’d love to see her stay there…and blow the top off the charts…for weeks to come…she doesn’t have to…she’s made it…and…no one can take that away from me…or…honestly…from…her…we all know it’s…all…Bertha…

But…there is something so surreal…in reaching a dream…a milestone…you believe in yourself…you work…you plan…and…then…one day…it happens…and…your life changes forever…and…yet…not at all…

Bertha…says…she doesn’t know what I’m so excited about…she always knew…this was gonna happen…all along…hmmm…I never thought I’d say it…but…she’s sounding a bit…shall we say…familiar…

Okay…I’m starting to ramble…mostly…I want to thank each of you…some of you were able to download the book yesterday…and…some of you were able to…hold my dream in your hearts…and…it took both…

Oh…and…just in case…any of you are wondering…Bertha…now has an unlimited fashion budget…there’s no telling what she’ll be wearing in the sequel…

Jane Carroll Author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Bertha Size your Life!

I Am…All That…

I’m tired…I probably say that phrase…at least…ten times a day…maybe more…and…I usually…sigh…as I say it…I suppose…just to prove the truth of my words…

I hadn’t paid much attention to it…until a friend…remarked…you’re always tired…hmmm…busted…

Now…you know that conversation…led to a tête-à-tête with…Bertha…who pointed out…something that I have known for a while…but…tend to forget…

And…that’s the power…of the words…I Am…

I Am…is creative…and…brings the words that follow…into being…so…when…I say…I’m tired…I’ve created more tired…at least ten times a day…

So…I think about my self-talk…and…all the negative…I Am…statements that I make in a day…it ain’t a pretty list…the words…broke…fat…lazy…ugly…tired…exhausted…quickly come to mind…and…I consider myself to be a pretty positive person…

I think I’ll spend some time…in…the contemplation chair…about this…do the Forgiveness Prayer…think about how to rephrase…my self-talk…but…for now…it’s been a full day…I think I’ll rest…

So…if…next time we’re chatting… those illustrious words…I am tired…or any other negative…I Am…statement…escapes my lips…feel free to slap me…to get my attention…okay…not really...get out of that line…that was a joke…geez…

Jane