Funny thing about the past…when I’m aware of it…it’s really not the past…it’s the present…or…it might as well be…because…it affects who I am in the moment…at least…that’s what…you-know-who says…yeah…Bertha…
She sent me subtle messages yesterday…emails…from random sources…is the past holding you back…letting go of the past…and another one…that I can’t remember…but…same gist…
So…I knew…that was the topic…for contemplation…for exploration…for blogation…yes…I know that isn’t a word…but…I wanted it to end in ‘tion’…so…I made it up…sue me…no…not really…can’t you take a joke…geez…
I’ve talked about it before…Swallowing Lye…but…I must need to talk about it again…hence…all the messages…
Memories…they assault me…coming from out of seemingly nowhere…triggered by a smell…a song…a sound…another thought…they take over…invading my space…my mind…
Not all memories are equal…memories…of first the first time I held my daughters in my arms…of caring for them as babies…watching them grow…first days of school…little milestones…
These make me happy…make me feel warm and tingly inside…they help me go forward…
I have so many other good memories…the ones that I should keep in a silver box…and pull out…when days seem blue…the ones that would cheer me up…make me smile…
And…then…there are…those…memories…the ones that hold me back…the ones that hurt…the ones that chip away at my self-confidence…like the Dental hygienist…cleaning my teeth…and…just as annoying…
How…do I eradicate them…how do I lay them to rest…
Those stubborn memories…I’ve tried soaking them out…I’ve tried scrubbing them out…and…I’m still stuck with…memory around the collar…
Actually…I’m making progress…when they come up…and…they do…I think…I send you…love…peace…happiness…and…I send it back to me…over and over again…until the discomfort eases…
At first…it was difficult…to bless someone…who had hurt me in some way…but…ultimately…I realize…that is what I wish for others…and it’s definitely what I wish for myself…that’s why I send the blessing in both directions…
The other thing I do…The Forgiveness Prayer…and it’s all to me…it’s to that part of me that is hurting…that is angry…sad…scared…lonely…whatever…and…it is simply…I love you…I’m sorry…please forgive me…thank you…again…over and over…until the discomfort eases…
These two techniques…help me tremendously…do I always remember to do them…no…do I sometimes…ruminate my painful memories…yes…of course I do…but…with Bertha’s reminders…I’m getting better…
Interestingly…I don’t really forget these memories…unlike Algebra…and…some grammar skills…they seem to be stuck in my brain…it’s just that they aren’t painful anymore…they just become memories…
And…I can handle that…
Jane
I read this twice as it seems I am experiencing the same thing. Maybe a reaction to my new meds but for 5 days I was on fire - mowing, raking, getting ready to plant etc. Suddenly memories crept in and crippled me for the past two days, sending me to bed. Old memories, thoughts of others, what others think of me, how they treat me, all flooding into a brain that's recently been poked and prodded and added to. Wish I had asked the doc to implant a delete button! I was outside yesterday just long enough to pull hay off the bale and thought, "WWBD?" What would Bertha do? She told me to rest because I have pushed too hard after surgery...to give myself a break. And she was right!! So as long as my animals are fed and watered, there really is nothing that HAS to be done today. I can rest. Thanks Bertha!!!
ReplyDeleteArlene...I love the concept of a 'delete' button...maybe you can pretend that he did...and see what happens...
DeleteAnd...that's exactly what Bertha would have told you to do...glad you are taking care of yourself!
Yes offer yourself forgiveness Jane, and make amends with the past. As much as we may want to we can not change our pasts. I do understand much of what you write..
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting...Christy...I must say that...forgiveness...has made a huge difference in my life...and...it continues...
Delete