Bertha’s Number One!

When I graduated from nursing school…back when we rode…dinosaurs…and all that…there was a two-day event…shortly after graduation…called…State Boards…there were five sections to the test…and you had to pass all five…in order to get your license…

Well…two days of testing was bad enough…but…then…you had to wait six weeks for the results…six…long…grueling…weeks…I might add…when…you had a gut feeling…but…no assurance…

I remember getting those results in the mail…on a Saturday afternoon…as we were leaving our apartment…I had passed…and…not only that…I had scored high enough…that I could get a license in any state without having to take an exam…even though…I wasn’t planning to go anywhere…that was a relief…

I remember that feeling…of understated elation that I felt…I remember once husband asking…why…I was so excited…he knew I was going to pass all along…

I remember explaining to him…that…he just didn’t understand…this was something that I would always have…that no one could take away from me…that it would go with me…wherever I went…it was a huge deal…he never really understood…but…that’s okay…he didn’t have to…

Yesterday…I had a similar experience…when…Bertha-Size Your Life!...the Kindle version…reached Amazon’s bestseller status…

It’s the same thing…she doesn’t have to stay there…in fact…this morning…she’d dropped…but…although…I’d love to see her stay there…and blow the top off the charts…for weeks to come…she doesn’t have to…she’s made it…and…no one can take that away from me…or…honestly…from…her…we all know it’s…all…Bertha…

But…there is something so surreal…in reaching a dream…a milestone…you believe in yourself…you work…you plan…and…then…one day…it happens…and…your life changes forever…and…yet…not at all…

Bertha…says…she doesn’t know what I’m so excited about…she always knew…this was gonna happen…all along…hmmm…I never thought I’d say it…but…she’s sounding a bit…shall we say…familiar…

Okay…I’m starting to ramble…mostly…I want to thank each of you…some of you were able to download the book yesterday…and…some of you were able to…hold my dream in your hearts…and…it took both…

Oh…and…just in case…any of you are wondering…Bertha…now has an unlimited fashion budget…there’s no telling what she’ll be wearing in the sequel…

Jane Carroll Author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Bertha Size your Life!

Dreams…

Dreams are sneaky…no…not aspirations…dreams that come at night…bringing back situations and people…that my waking mind…my logical mind…banishes when they come up…in the daytime…

Dreams are sneaky…they creep into my sleep…when I am defenseless to stop them…and…then…they torture me…ahhh…too strong of a word…they aggravate me…until…fighting back…I wake up…

Dreams are sneaky…as soon as my eyes close again…they return…pick up right where they left off…bringing back all the drama…all the frustration…until…finally…I give up on slumber…and get up…

Dreams are sneaky…even after I’m awake…they roll around in my brain…why am I dreaming that…what does it mean…what should I do…I don’t want to dream that any more…I’m beyond that…but…I know…they’ll be back…on some unsuspecting night…because…

Dreams are sneaky…

Jane

Near-Death by Chocolate…

I just opened a piece Dove’s Dark Chocolate…ummm…I only do that for the message on the inside…honest…that’s the only reason I buy them…you can be so judgmental…geez…

Anyway…this one says…Live Your Dreams…

Now…I’m confused…am I supposed to live the dream where I show up naked at Church…or in a skimpy nightie…the one where I’m in school and I realize that it is time for finals…and I haven’t been to class all semester…the one where I’m in an elevator…and it won’t stop at my floor…or…the one where I keep flipping light switches…but no lights come on…

Hmmm…I need more guidance…

So…I do the practical thing…I open another one…come on…I have to get the message straight…geez…anyway…it says…Relaxation by Chocolate…

Doesn’t help one bit with the dreams…unless…relaxation…that could mean resting…could mean wearing a nightie…that could be it…but…it doesn’t seem very relaxing to be seen in my nightgown…and especially not at Church…and…I really don’t want to do that unless I’m downright certain…

I need still more guidance…I open another one…it says…Love Every Moment…

I really don’t see any connection at all…I’d have a hard time loving any…much less every moment of the afore mentioned dreams…I’m getting frustrated…

I open one more…that’s four for those of you who haven’t been counting…that’s a laugh…you were all counting…I know…but…I digress…

So I open one more…it says…Love Rules without Rules…okay…I give up…no guidance at all…

I may need to consult the Magic 8-Ball…if I want any real guidance on the matter…

Unfortunately…I was forced to eat all that dark chocolate…hey…I couldn’t just leave them exposed to the elements once they were opened…I did the responsible thing…but…I feel a little queasy…I think I may just put on my nightgown and lie down for a bit…

I just hope I don’t end up at Church…

Jane

True Confessions of a Middle-Aged Blogger…

I recently read a blog…about how to blog…it was very helpful…first it said to write everything…then delete at least half of it…I’d already figured that out…quite often it’s about the third paragraph that becomes the first…I wonder if you’ll get to read this one…hmmm…we’ll see…

Another of his tips was to tell your readers things that they don’t know about you…and yet another…was to honestly tell about your shortcomings…

Today I have decided to combine those two…and as painful as it is…here goes…

When I was young…much younger…about 55 years younger to be exact…now since you may not be aware of my exact age today…that made me be two at the time…I was caught shoplifting…

The story goes that I was in a store with my Mother…and saw this navy blue plastic belt…with holes all the way around it…of course I wanted it…I must have had a Bertha flare…even then…Mama said…NO…I grabbed the belt…and ran out of the store…and into the street…where there was…probably no traffic…we are talking Moulton in the fifties…anyway…Mama pursued…captured…whipped me with the belt of my dreams…then returned it to the store…

The sales clerk…either desperately needing a sale…or being an indulger of strong-willed children…insisted that Mama buy me the belt…her argument was that I wanted it so badly…I’d risked my life for it…okay…she was dramatic as well…

Mama…on the other hand…said that was exactly why she wouldn’t buy it…and we left the store…

Call it selective memory…I don’t recall the incident at all…but…I do recall the belt…see…several months later…Mama did buy it…and I had it for many years…with all those holes…it fit for almost ever…in fact…if it hadn’t broken…I’d probably still be wearing it today…quit laughing…it would have made a good necklace…but…I digress…

I’m not sure why Mama didn’t just buy me the belt when I wanted it…my guess is…she didn’t have the money at the moment…

But…I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the events of that day…all dreams aren’t instant…no matter how much you want them…no matter how much you try to take things into your own hands and force them…sometimes…you fail…are humiliated…are forced to give up…and then sometimes…sometimes…you get a second chance…

Funny how writing brings out things I wasn’t intending…but…Bertha is here to point out…that this story very much parallels my writing…

I wanted Bertha-Size Your Life to be successful so badly…I risked everything…sold my house…took things into my own hands…tried to force it to happen…but…it didn’t…I was humiliated…I gave up…quit writing for several years…and now…somehow…someway…I’m being given a second chance…I’ve…or should I say…we…have just received a third place Extreme Author Makeover from MasterKoda…

Seems that this little navy blue belt…is just my size…

Jane

We’re On the Air…With Edie Galley…

Bertha and I just finished listening to our radio interview with Edie Galley on Courageous Voices Radio Show…we talked about the courage to follow your dream…even when that dream takes a left turn in Albuquerque…since that’s pretty much what mine has done…

I used to think that dreams were concrete…set in stone so to speak…but…what I’ve come to understand over the years…is that dreams are actually kind of slippery…they can change shape…and direction…but…they don’t go away…even when we can’t see them for a while…they are always there…

Funny…I just realized as I wrote this…that the situation I’ve been concerned about lately…is really an old dream…that has twisted and turned…and come back home…hmmm…I wonder where it will take me now…

Oh…and by the way…problems…situations…issues…are often just invitations to play with your dreams again…hey…they have to get our attention somehow…although…I think a nicely worded card…even an email…would have sufficed…just saying…

But…I digress…I was telling you about the interview with Edie…what can I say…it was like old home week…we’ve known each other for several years now…in fact…she was the first person to interview me when Bertha-Size Your Life was first released…we have since worked together on other internet radio shows…and become close friends…

I hope you can take the time to listen to the interview…it’s only about 30 minutes…and…it turned out really well…if I do say so myself…oh…and if you listen carefully…you may even hear Bertha…putting her two cents worth in from time to time…

Jane

All I Want for Christmas…Is a Day on the Couch…

I’m sort of a sucker for sappy Christmas movies…and they’ve already started…so…I’ve spent a rainy Sunday afternoon…on the sofa…with a blanket…watching movies…

That almost sounds decadent…there are so many things I could have been doing…should have been doing…or…are there…

Sometimes…what I really need is a break…a time to dream…to believe in the magic of Christmas…in the magic of love…of family…of home…it’s just that I don’t always give myself permission to do it…

So…today…I did…I gave myself full permission…nothing else I needed to do…it’s a short work week…all I really had to do was…just lie there…glued to the TV…

The funny thing is…once I sincerely gave myself permission to omit the to-do list…it no longer seemed so daunting…and little by little…things started to happen during commercials…soup was made…the kitchen was cleaned…the floor was swept…

And I’ve still kept up with the movies…and yes…Christmas is saved every time…just in the Nick of time…by Santa’s daughter…that seemed to be a theme for the day…

Now…the blog is written…the coffee pot is ready for an early morning wake-me-up…and I’m going back to the sofa…until heading for bed…couldn’t have asked for a better afternoon…

Jane

Showing Up

Bertha says I need to share some of my older stuff…stuff I’ve never shared…even with the one it was written to…because sharing is healing for me and for you…

I know I had some pretty raw dreams last night, knowing that I would be posting this today. Dreams that revealed yet another layer within my heart that wants to heal…Bertha says that is a good thing…and I know it is and will be when the rawness subsides…here goes…

My ring is engraved…love life…be brave…and I wonder…do I really love life…and am I brave at all…what does it mean to be brave…does it mean more than just showing up…or is showing up the bravest thing of all…sometimes it is the hardest thing to do…to show up…to be present when there’s a pain in my heart…or a knot in my gut…just showing up…smiling…touching…healing… hearing… caring…can sometimes be overwhelming…but that’s showing up at its finest.

I never meant to hurt you…and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me either…and yet we have hurt each other on many occasions…I tend to think that I’m justified…when I look at what you did to me…like a small child…he started it…he looked at me funny…and as I tell the kids…SOOOOOOOO…that doesn’t meant that you can do something back…take the high road…turn the other cheek…it seems more noble when I’m telling the kids what to do…

I said I love you…and I think I do…but I have sold you short so many times…how can that be love…how can that be honor…it’s easy to believe the worst in you…because it’s easy to believe that I deserve the worst from you…and that’s not exactly true either…I’m not sure what it is…maybe it’s easier to write about chocolate…

Smooth and creamy…sweet and dark…satisfying…

I want to see your goodness…I want to see mine as well…right now…I’m not so sure about me…but I don’t want to get stuck there…I want to work through all this…I want to come out on the other side…stronger… whole…healthy…and I hope we make it there together…I’m not sure if we will or not…but I know that I have to go regardless…I have to face the ugly truth…and the beautiful truth…and embrace both of them…I have to move forward…I have to…there isn’t a choice…well…I guess there is always a choice…but I don’t want to stay where I am…alone…afraid…so I’ll take the journey…

There is so much I want to tell you…and I’m so afraid…afraid that you will reject me…but…we have nothing now…no trust…no tenderness…so what do we have to lose…

Jane