Imperturbability…

I don’t deserve this award…but…I have arthritis…and I don’t deserve that either…

Jack Benny

Sometimes…I whine…I know…it’s hard to believe…hey…you…that’s right…you sitting at the computer…quit rolling your eyes…they could get stuck like that…didn’t your Mama teach you anything…geez…now…you’ve broken my train of thought…

Let’s try again…sometimes I whine…I don’t like what is happening in my life…it’s like my life’s inbox has been spammed…you know…bombarded with crap I didn’t sign-up for…that I’m not certain where it came from…can’t return it…can’t even find the culprits to report them…

It’s easy…with email…and life…to sit around…and say…it ain’t my fault…I was minding my own business…when…spam…bam…thank you ma’am…I’m in the middle of something…that I definitely didn’t ask for…

Of course…I have filters for my inbox…the equivalent of email police…taking unruly…unsolicited…correspondence…to…email jail…where…I get to play judge and jury…undisputed authority…with a click of my mouse…I can delete them forever…

Life…not so much…

Where are my life filters when I need them…geez…

Bertha…rolls her eyes…see…now…you’ve her doing it…okay…we know she started it…and says…they are right where they’ve always been…I’m just not using them…

Huh…

That’s right…she says…the practices I’ve developed over the years…contemplation…the Forgiveness Prayer…prayer…reading good books…writing…exercise…all these things are my…life filters…it’s just that…sometimes…things are going well…or…I get busy…or bored…or something…and I quit using them…

Then…it’s just like turning off my computer filters…I’m inundated…with crap…

Hmmm…but…what about when I’m using my filters…I really am minding my own business…and something sneaks in anyway…

Bertha…assures me…there will always be…a promise of depositing money in my account…if only…I send them my banking information…that makes it to the inbox…no filter can screen out everything…I will never be totally imperturbable…that’s part of what makes life interesting…

That…and…getting to use phrases like…spam…bam…thank you ma’am…I just love writing…

Today’s a good day…but…think I’ll…spend some time in the contemplation chair…and go exercise…no point in letting my filters down…

Jane

Ordinary

It’s an ordinary life, good and solid, few thrills and chills, just days end to end like elephants on parade. Then why is there such longing for things unheard, un-tasted, untouched? Why is there such longing for more than enough? I have enough of everything: enough food, enough house, enough clothes, enough money, enough children, enough career. So how can enough not be enough? How can the longing devour the solidness of my days and nights? Longing, like a termite eating away at the foundation of my life, creating ever such tiny holes in my contentment and as those tiny holes grow my whole world collapses into longing—shattered—splintered—ordinary.

I wrote this several years ago while journaling. In fact, it was to be part of the closing of my next book…you know the one I never finished…but I digress. It is one of my favorite things I have ever written. It just gets to the heart of how I sometimes feel.

The funny thing was…it wasn’t what I meant to be writing about…it just slipped out…found its way onto the page…as things seem to have a way of doing. That’s what I love about writing. It brings out the parts of me that I try to hide even from myself. Some people call it automatic writing, some call it channeling…Bertha says the only time I get quite enough to listen to her is when I’m writing…who knows…who cares…it works for me.

Jane