Tasting the Artichoke…

Wow…a lot of time in the contemplation chair lately…lots to sort out…at first…I was frustrated…I thought I’d peeled that artichoke…I’d tasted the artichoke heart…it was good…I liked it…I thought I was done with that…

Wrong…

Bertha…reminded me…letting go of the past…letting go of…old fears…old ideas…old frustrations…is not an event…like graduating from college…I don’t do it…and then it’s done…I can hang the diploma on the wall…for the world to see…

Rather…

It’s an ongoing process…like my closet…the first time I clean it…there is a ton of stuff to discard…stuff that doesn’t fit…that is out of style…that is in disrepair…and…although…it looks lovely...in the moment…it takes ongoing effort…to keep it…cleared of the things that no longer work…because…things are continually changing…my taste in clothes…the styles…unfortunately…my size…

This continual…closet purging…says…nothing…about my character…about my resourcefulness…it only means…I need to let go of some things…that are no longer useful…and…the more often I do it…the easier it is…

She’s right…of course…I do find…that every time…I uncover another layer of the old stuff…and…heal it…forgive it…maybe even…love it…for the lessons it brought me…the easier it is…

And…

Every time…I taste that…sweet…tender…artichoke heart…I want to taste it again…and…that taste…makes all the peeling…worthwhile…

Jane

Letting Go…

Letting go…it shouldn’t be so difficult…I’ve let go of the pain…of hurts…inflicted by others…why…do I not let go of hurts…that I inflict upon myself…doubts…insecurities…fears…nagging words…in the back of my mind…ever eager…to take the forefront…

It’s another layer…I’ve peeled this artichoke before…or so I thought…obviously…some tough outer leaves remained…preventing the tender heart from being fully exposed…

Maybe that’s it…maybe…I keep these insecurities…because…they prevent me from being vulnerable…keep me from exposing my true self…even to me…but…especially to others…

They keep me in…my place…perhaps it’s safe…but…it’s not where I want to be anymore…and…so…one more time…I peel off those tough protective leaves…not knowing…if it will be the last time…but…resolving…to continue the process…until at last…it is done…

Jane

Falling Leaves…

Get over who you were…and…be who you are...

Bertha

Yesterday…I noticed a solitary leaf clinging to an otherwise naked tree…not really an earth shattering event…and most likely not unique…most likely being duplicated on thousands of other trees…along thousands of other roads…

I’m not sure why it caught my attention…but…once it was in my awareness…Bertha grabbed hold of it…as quickly…and firmly…as a child snatching a sucker in a candy store…

There was a correlation to my life…duh…there’s always a correlation to my life…

She pointed out…again…we’ve had this discussion before…that the leaf represented fear of letting go…it was clinging to the old…the no longer useful…the dead…refusing to let go…and become who it now was…

I let her words in…even though the message was well-worn…it struck a new chord this time…the fear…I would like to say concern…but it is a fear…of being who I have become…who I am…is in reality…the fear of being pummeled back into who I was…

If I never go forward…I will never be forced back…I will stay in this no man’s land…a dry leaf…clinging to a winter tree…a familiar place…where no growth takes place…where no dreams are realized…

The words definitely make a new melody…soothing me…like a lullaby…I have already become the person that I am…there’s no stopping that…no going back…I am who I now am…it’s okay…let go of the tree…float…

Jane

Let My Printer Go…

My printer at work is old…this is my sixth year there…it wasn’t new when I came…it has gotten progressively cantankerous over the last year…the cartridge carriage sticks…it goes something like this…

I click print…the printer wakes up…it makes some noise…sounds like it’s flexing its muscles…a little yellow light comes on…a carriage stuck message pops on the screen…I open the cover…slide the carriage back and forth a bit…close the cover…press OK…it makes noise…flexes its muscles…the yellow light comes on…and we start over…

It’s frustrating…at times nerve wrecking…there is stuff I need to print…I don’t have time to be fiddling with the printer…over and over again…I dread printing anything…

And…yet…I still have the same printer…I’m going through the same routine…day after day…several times a day…

Why…

There are several reasons…the school system doesn’t have a ton of money…I hate to ask for a new printer…when technically mine still works…then…new printers quite often use different ink cartridges…I have a couple of spares…again…there’s the money thing…

Those are the practical reasons…and while they sound noble on paper…I fear that the true reasons are deeper than that…

It works part of the time…occasionally it works without a hitch…it gives me hope…next time…it will work…next time it won’t hang…next time will be printing bliss…

I clean it…I pray for it…I send it printer love…

Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t…

There’s a familiarity to the process…it’s what I’m used to now…click print…hold breath…wait…fidget…

It gives me something to whine about…I’m the martyr…I continue to deal with an aging printer for the good of the school system…essentially for the children…for education…for literacy everywhere…St. Jane of Printers…

Truth is…if I asked for a new printer…I would get one…I have even found a back-up in the Library…same model…same ink…but…I have no clue if it will work…it may have the same problem…it may be worse…

I haven’t switched yet…it’s sitting in my office…as I give my old one…just one more chance…several times a day…

And…while…that’s just a printer…I see a pattern from my life…

I remember past relationships…ones that continued beyond their time…the thoughts that went through my head…

I hate to let go…if there is even a glimmer of hope…no matter how bold the writing on the wall…it could change tomorrow…what if I let go a day too soon…what if I change...what if he does…it could happen…we could be happy…

Maybe…just maybe…it’s time to symbolically break that pattern…and replace the printer…take a chance…that the new one will be better than what I’ve had…

Yes...I think it is time…

Jane

Put Down the Fork…Step Away from the Cheesecake…

Admit it…Quit it…Forget it…Kate

Seems Bertha took the day off yesterday…I thought that meant I was getting the day off as well…but not to worry…she made sure I’d get a lesson…she’s thoughtful like that…geez…

Anyway…unbeknownst to me…with Bertha away…Kate would play…she was subbing at work today…I hadn’t seen her in a while…so after hugs and niceties…I jokingly asked for advice…and she seriously gave it…I didn’t even have a problem in mind…or at least…I didn’t think I did…

Funny thing is…she picked up right where Bertha left off…not sure how that happened…not sure I want to know…

Anyway…she asked if I could do that…and I said that I didn’t think I would quit it…so I couldn’t forget it…but I would admit it…we laughed…still not talking about anything in particular…I went back to work…

But…as we know…she said that to me for a reason…something I still need to learn…so…I had to contemplate it…I seem to keep getting letting go messages from all directions…what did this one mean…

Eating immediately came to mind…my eating habits have changed…and not for the better…since my surgery earlier this year…and I really do want to get back to healthy eating habits…I just haven’t gotten there yet…

I can admit I overeat…but…I don’t seem to quit…and I certainly don’t forget…in fact…I’m still berating myself for that second bottle…the one I really didn’t need…but it was so good and warm that I kept crying until Mama gave it to me…when I was six-months old…

Okay…maybe not…but…you get the picture…I don’t forget my overindulgences…in fact…I bring them up to the point that I feel really crummy…and then…overeat to feel better…then fuss at myself again…hmmm…is there a pattern developing…

So it’s not the piece of cheesecake that makes me gain weight…it’s the remorse…guilt…shame…blame…that leads to a second…third…the whole darn thing…that honestly contributes to the bottom line…

According to Kate’s advice…I’d admit that I ate the cheesecake…I’d quit at that point…then I’d forget…forgive…move on…back to the carrot sticks…no foul…no harm…just a few extra calories…hmmm…

I’m thinking that it’s worth a try…‘cause what I’ve been doing ain’t working…what’ve I got to lose…other than some guilt and a few pounds…okay…several pounds…okay…a ton of pounds…geez…you’re pickier than Bertha…

And speaking of Bertha…she may be able to take a few more days off…as long as Kate’s around…

Jane

I’ll Leave the Light on For You…

Today…Bertha has given me an assignment…she must be feeling a little teacherly…since we went to the school Christmas party Friday night…schmoozing with the teachers and all…but I digress…and…wait…who am I kidding…she got teacherly with me…long before I started working at a school…geez…

Anyway…today’s assignment is to write about letting go…trusting…and setting boundaries…and it sounds easy…but…I’m finding it a bit challenging…probably the three most difficult areas of my life…do I really want to talk about them…

Not really…it’s vulnerable…it’s peeling the artichoke…it will get hairy before I get to the heart of it…and when I’m there…do I really want to share…not so sure…couldn’t I just go to the store and buy an artichoke…

Bertha calls class to attention…1…2…3…eyes on me…in her most kindergarten teacherly voice…time to start…

Funny…since I’ve started this blog this morning…I’ve had a few phone calls…and each conversation has led to letting go in some way or another…so…I know this is what I need to talk about…here goes…

Letting go…there’s a finesse to letting go…I’m getting better at it…okay there was that pair of worn out sandals that I held on to for two years after they were no longer wearable…well…they might develop a cure for flip flop blow-out one day…and they were my favorite…and it’s not like I was trying to wear them or anything…I just looked at them from time to time…with fond memories…

If your room suddenly got brighter…it was my light bulb turning on…

Trusting…challenging at best…how do you trust someone who has seemingly led you down the primrose path…where you are gobbled up by a monster…at least one time too many…and…in case there’s any doubt…I’m talking about me…

But…you know…that’s exactly why I can trust myself…every time I took that path…got gobbled up by the monster…even though my gut was saying…RUN…I proved my instincts were good…they were right…I can trust them…if I hadn’t taken the path…I’d never have known if there was a gobbling monster or not…

Oh…the light is getting brighter…

Setting Boundaries…I wrote about this in Bertha-Size Your Life…cute little story about Bertha in a Mardi Gras gown…sweeping the kitchen floor…because the dirt was over her limit…

But…in reality…this has been the most challenging for me…it feels cold and lonely…like one of those chain link fences with the barbed wire on top…like search lights and border patrols…and blood hounds in the swamp…

Bertha laughs…says it’s much softer than all that…

She says that it’s just living my truth…that every time…I’m honest with myself…and others…about who I am…that I’ve set a boundary…she says that boundaries aren’t walls to keep me in or others out…boundaries…are just being who I am…

Well…what can I say…the room is fully lit now…and Bertha was right…this was what I needed to write…I just hope she gets out of teacherly mode now…I just saw her go by with a paddle…and it wasn’t for a canoe…if you know what I mean…

Jane

Got Garbage…Never Mind…I’ll Figure It Out…

Garbage day…it’s the best day of the week…I mean…really…I’ve got this huge brown can…provided by the city…free…and I get to put all the stuff that I don’t want…that’s broken…used up…left over…trashed…in it…and roll it down to the curb…then someone just comes along and picks it all up and takes it away…

They don’t even make any comments…like…are you sure you wanna throw this away…or…there might still be a little shampoo in the bottom of this bottle…or…I can’t believe how wasteful you are…you should have eaten these potatoes before they became seeing-eye spuds…

No…they just take away whatever I leave for them…no judgments…no questions asked…

So think about it…what if I could do that in other areas of my life…what if I could shake my head over the garbage can…and all those thoughts that don’t serve me…would tumble out and jump on the truck…

What if a truck would come along and clean up those relationships that need to be kicked to the curb…now…wouldn’t that be nice…no leave your sweater and take my cat…just send in a big truck…and it’s all cleaned up…

Literally…take this job and shove it…in the can…the truck’ll take it away…

Kids acting up…quick…get them in the can…I hear the truck down the street…hmmm…I think there’s room for the entire third grade in there…

Surely I jest…that’s a bit flip…even for me…but…I do admit…there are times when I wish it were so easy…

Then…Bertha…reminds me…that no sooner do I get the big can down to the street…than I am putting something else in the kitchen trash…and by the time the truck gets here…my household can is often overflowing…

She says it’s the same way with life…there’s always something to clean up…little irritations…frustrations…it’s ongoing…

Tossing an empty tissue box…into my no longer empty garbage can…I know she’s right…well…we knew she was gonna be…hello…we are talking about Bertha…

And...even though I whine…quite honestly…I don’t think life would be very interesting…or fun…if I could dump everything…every one…as easily as yesterday’s newspaper…

Figuring it out…making it work…that’s what gives life it’s spark…so…while I am eternally grateful for the garbage truck taking away my household trash…I’m glad they leave the other stuff for me to figure out…well…most of it anyway…but…if you see me headed in your direction…pushing a big brown can…you might want to run the other way…

Jane