Showing Up

Bertha says I need to share some of my older stuff…stuff I’ve never shared…even with the one it was written to…because sharing is healing for me and for you…

I know I had some pretty raw dreams last night, knowing that I would be posting this today. Dreams that revealed yet another layer within my heart that wants to heal…Bertha says that is a good thing…and I know it is and will be when the rawness subsides…here goes…

My ring is engraved…love life…be brave…and I wonder…do I really love life…and am I brave at all…what does it mean to be brave…does it mean more than just showing up…or is showing up the bravest thing of all…sometimes it is the hardest thing to do…to show up…to be present when there’s a pain in my heart…or a knot in my gut…just showing up…smiling…touching…healing… hearing… caring…can sometimes be overwhelming…but that’s showing up at its finest.

I never meant to hurt you…and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me either…and yet we have hurt each other on many occasions…I tend to think that I’m justified…when I look at what you did to me…like a small child…he started it…he looked at me funny…and as I tell the kids…SOOOOOOOO…that doesn’t meant that you can do something back…take the high road…turn the other cheek…it seems more noble when I’m telling the kids what to do…

I said I love you…and I think I do…but I have sold you short so many times…how can that be love…how can that be honor…it’s easy to believe the worst in you…because it’s easy to believe that I deserve the worst from you…and that’s not exactly true either…I’m not sure what it is…maybe it’s easier to write about chocolate…

Smooth and creamy…sweet and dark…satisfying…

I want to see your goodness…I want to see mine as well…right now…I’m not so sure about me…but I don’t want to get stuck there…I want to work through all this…I want to come out on the other side…stronger… whole…healthy…and I hope we make it there together…I’m not sure if we will or not…but I know that I have to go regardless…I have to face the ugly truth…and the beautiful truth…and embrace both of them…I have to move forward…I have to…there isn’t a choice…well…I guess there is always a choice…but I don’t want to stay where I am…alone…afraid…so I’ll take the journey…

There is so much I want to tell you…and I’m so afraid…afraid that you will reject me…but…we have nothing now…no trust…no tenderness…so what do we have to lose…

Jane