Waste Not…

I just read an article…by my friend…ChristyBirmingham…about…walking into a pole on a walk…and…it got me to thinking…for me…as a writer…nothing is wasted…literally no life event…no matter how embarrassing…gets put in file thirteen…it shows up on the page…eventually…albeit…often disguised…

I suppose that’s a good thing…it certainly brings a level of…humanity…to my writing…but…sometimes…I wonder…does sharing my…darkest…goofiest…moments…leave my readers with the impression…of me as…inept…neurotic…bumbling…

Bertha…says…not to worry…my writing…doesn’t make people think that way about me…no…she…says…they…already…knew those things…and…they loved me anyway…

She’s quite the comedian…geez…

Jane

Bertha’s Number One!

When I graduated from nursing school…back when we rode…dinosaurs…and all that…there was a two-day event…shortly after graduation…called…State Boards…there were five sections to the test…and you had to pass all five…in order to get your license…

Well…two days of testing was bad enough…but…then…you had to wait six weeks for the results…six…long…grueling…weeks…I might add…when…you had a gut feeling…but…no assurance…

I remember getting those results in the mail…on a Saturday afternoon…as we were leaving our apartment…I had passed…and…not only that…I had scored high enough…that I could get a license in any state without having to take an exam…even though…I wasn’t planning to go anywhere…that was a relief…

I remember that feeling…of understated elation that I felt…I remember once husband asking…why…I was so excited…he knew I was going to pass all along…

I remember explaining to him…that…he just didn’t understand…this was something that I would always have…that no one could take away from me…that it would go with me…wherever I went…it was a huge deal…he never really understood…but…that’s okay…he didn’t have to…

Yesterday…I had a similar experience…when…Bertha-Size Your Life!...the Kindle version…reached Amazon’s bestseller status…

It’s the same thing…she doesn’t have to stay there…in fact…this morning…she’d dropped…but…although…I’d love to see her stay there…and blow the top off the charts…for weeks to come…she doesn’t have to…she’s made it…and…no one can take that away from me…or…honestly…from…her…we all know it’s…all…Bertha…

But…there is something so surreal…in reaching a dream…a milestone…you believe in yourself…you work…you plan…and…then…one day…it happens…and…your life changes forever…and…yet…not at all…

Bertha…says…she doesn’t know what I’m so excited about…she always knew…this was gonna happen…all along…hmmm…I never thought I’d say it…but…she’s sounding a bit…shall we say…familiar…

Okay…I’m starting to ramble…mostly…I want to thank each of you…some of you were able to download the book yesterday…and…some of you were able to…hold my dream in your hearts…and…it took both…

Oh…and…just in case…any of you are wondering…Bertha…now has an unlimited fashion budget…there’s no telling what she’ll be wearing in the sequel…

Jane Carroll Author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Bertha Size your Life!

I Am…All That…

I’m tired…I probably say that phrase…at least…ten times a day…maybe more…and…I usually…sigh…as I say it…I suppose…just to prove the truth of my words…

I hadn’t paid much attention to it…until a friend…remarked…you’re always tired…hmmm…busted…

Now…you know that conversation…led to a tête-à-tête with…Bertha…who pointed out…something that I have known for a while…but…tend to forget…

And…that’s the power…of the words…I Am…

I Am…is creative…and…brings the words that follow…into being…so…when…I say…I’m tired…I’ve created more tired…at least ten times a day…

So…I think about my self-talk…and…all the negative…I Am…statements that I make in a day…it ain’t a pretty list…the words…broke…fat…lazy…ugly…tired…exhausted…quickly come to mind…and…I consider myself to be a pretty positive person…

I think I’ll spend some time…in…the contemplation chair…about this…do the Forgiveness Prayer…think about how to rephrase…my self-talk…but…for now…it’s been a full day…I think I’ll rest…

So…if…next time we’re chatting… those illustrious words…I am tired…or any other negative…I Am…statement…escapes my lips…feel free to slap me…to get my attention…okay…not really...get out of that line…that was a joke…geez…

Jane

The Tdap Shot…Heard ‘Round the World…

I wrote about…keeping up…with my medical information the other day…which…made me remember…getting my last…actually my first…Tdap…vaccination…I say first…because…the adult vaccine was changed a few years ago…from…TD…tetanus/diptheria…to…Tdap…tetanus/diphtheria/pertussis…

Anyway…to make an long story…even longer…seems there has been an increase in…pertussis…whooping cough…in recent years…so…all us school nurses got an email…recommending that we get the new vaccine…

I’m pretty diligent about that kind of thing…so…I rolled up my sleeve the same afternoon…and thought that would be that…well…my arm was a bit sore…but…I expected that…

What I didn’t expect…was to discover…a fairly…large…tender…lymph node…hiding behind my left collarbone…but…on Sunday afternoon…when…all the doctor’s offices were closed…I did…

I must admit…it scared me half to death…so…I did what I had to do…I Googled…yeah…I know…you saw that one coming…you know me so well…anyway…what I found scared me even more…lymphoma…that’s what all the sites said…would cause supraclavicular lymphadenopathy…

At some point…just before I Googled lymphoma treatments…I remembered…the Tdap shot…could it be connected…yes…I Googled that…and…somewhere…in tiny print…at the very end…of an obscure site…I found what I was looking for…yes…Tdap…could cause that big honking lymph node…if the injection was in the ipsilateral appendage…

I have to tell you the truth…I’ve been a nurse for a lot of years…and I didn’t have a clue…so…I Googled…one last time…it meant…same side…and…yes…my injection…was in the left arm…I breathed again…

But…I still called…and made an appointment with my OB-GYN doctor the next day…just to be safe…he agreed…all was well…but…since I was there…he might as well…do my yearly stuff…including…sending me for a mammogram…

I went…and…thought…that was that…

Until…the hospital called me…there was a lump…could I come back for an ultrasound…now…as frightening as this sounds…I was at least 95% certain…that it was the same lump…that…I’ve had for years…that had been biopsied…and was fine…so…I only fretted…I didn’t panic…

But…I did have to take off a second day from work…and go for the ultrasound…but…they couldn’t find my old films…so…they weren’t sure if it was the same spot or not…

A couple of hours…and…lots of frustration later…we found films in the doctor’s office…that verified the spot…it hadn’t changed…once again…all was well…

So…let’s recap…no…let’s not…it was too much the first time…but…all of this…happened…as a result…of one little Tdap shot…

Bertha…says it is a lot like life…of course she would…she says…my biggest messes…usually start…with…a small event…and then snowball…into a fiasco…and…she’s right…they do…I always say…I get into the most trouble…when…I’m minding my own business…

Well…she did say something else…about my tendency to…make mountains out of mole hills…and…that if I didn’t settle down…she was gonna take away my Google privileges…but…she couldn’t be serious about that…could she…

No…surely not…so…for now…I’m just glad that I’m not due for another Tdap…for seven more years…I hope I remember about the lymph node by then…just saying…

Jane

Editing…Smediting…

That’s what I’ve been doing today…I love writing…watching thoughts become words…stringing them along…until they make…a paragraph…a page…a story…fills me with delight…editing…not so much…

But…I’ve been doing it anyway…because…Bertha-Size Your Life! is being rereleased by Saga Books shortly…and…that means…new edits…honestly…there weren’t that many changes…a comma here…a word there…nothing like starting totally over…thankfully…

Mostly…Bertha…left me alone…sinking ship and all…but…she did come by…long enough…to point out…that the whole process was a lot like when I go to the dentist…for…a cleaning…I don’t want that gunk on there…but…I really don’t want them to scrape it off…either…

Then…she started going…on…and…on…about how that’s a lot like life…and…well…to be honest with you…I cut that part out of the blog……I was…editing…after all…

Jane

Go Small…or…Stay Home…

You may remember…I ordered a juicer…last week…it didn’t come until yesterday…so…I haven’t had the time…to check it all out…but…since…I was in the mood to get healthy…quickly…in the meantime…I read a book…about eating mostly veggies…and fruit…the goal being…to eat a pound of raw veggies…a pound of cooked veggies…and…at least a cup of beans…every day…

Well…it sounded healthy to me…all those antioxidants…all those phytonutrients…I’d probably never need to take a supplement…again…so…in I jumped…

Here’s what I learned…and…yes…you probably saw this one coming…my stomach wasn’t ready to go from a fairly normal diet…including a fair amount of roughage…to what felt like…a ton of fiber…in one day…just think about it…do you know how much salad it takes to weigh a pound…well…it’s a big…big…bowl…it would take...Peter Rabbit...and his whole family...to eat it all...and...there might be leftovers...

Bertha…laughed…as I cramped…and…camped…in the bathroom…because I’d obviously…forgotten…her…First Rule of Change…Go Small…

Now…I don’t know how I could have forgotten…she’s been…harping…I mean…reminding me of it…for years now…and…I must say…I have seen it work wonders in my life…

It works for me…because…like…my stomach…I tend to get overwhelmed…out of sorts…by…sudden huge shifts…in my status quo…even…if it’s a good change…wanted…healthy…

So…I backed off…oh…I have continued to eat the healthy stuff…just in much smaller quantities…and…by…letting my body tell me…the amounts that it wants…and…I promise…it’s nowhere near a pound…

Well…I don’t know if I’m…healthy…yet…but…I do know that my stomach is settling down…and…honestly…for now…that’s all that I’m worried about…

Jane

File Away…

I just realized…I’m of an age…and…no…I’m not talking about hot flashes…although…they might fit in here…I’m talking about medical records…and…no…I’m not talking about a department at the hospital…I’m talking about the file that is ever growing in my closet…

So…what is precipitating this ever expanding file…well…like most things in life…it is a multi-faceted answer…

The Chiari I Malformation started it…when I realized…that I’d had symptoms for years…and…tests…the results of which…were now lost…and…they could have been of value in determining when my brain went south…literally…you see…hospitals don’t keep MRIs forever…they usually keep a report…but…not the films…

It was then…I realized…yes…I’m a nurse…and…yes…I’ve probably told patients this a thousand times…but…it’s different when it’s you…that…I had to be my own advocate…I had to keep up with my own health information…

So…the file began…with a complete written history of my symptoms over the years…it grew fatter…with MRI results…and…then with CDs of all the MRIs…that way I’ll have them forever…you can request these…the facility may charge a small fee…but…worth it…

I know…you might expect…that I would keep those kinds of records…but…what is amusing to me…I’m starting to put things in there…that I used to just remember…like the date of my last Tdap shot…lab results…and…the name of the antibiotic…that I have an anaphylactic allergy to…

Yeah…you’d think I’d remember that name…after my lips swelled until I looked like the Aflac duck…I whelped all over…and my vocal chords swelled until I lost my voice…but…somehow…Levaquin…is a hard name for me to remember…maybe…I should write it down…maybe…I should put it in a file…oh…I just did…

So…all this rambling…is to say…that…even as a nurse…I thought keeping a medical file…was for somebody else…not for me…maybe it was for old folks…or really sick folks…but…not for me…

Now…I know…you are never too young…to be your own advocate…a lesson…I suppose…I learned the hard way…but…Bertha…says…that’s usually how I learn…as…she hits me over the head with the skillet again…do…you think…maybe…just…maybe…that caused the Chiari…she assures me it didn’t…but…I’ll add it to the file…just in case…

Hmmm…this blog certainly didn’t go the direction…that…I thought it would…oh well…they usually don’t…have a great day…be an advocate…yours…

Jane